This House Is Not for Sale

by E. C. Osondu

  Cash did his best to reach out to Rotate. He sent a couple of individuals who were close to Rotate, the people who bought marijuana from him. Rotate said to them, “The police told me that the person who told them about me and my business told them to lock me up for good, that he did not want them to ever release me from detention. Think of what would have happened if I was never released. Who else could possibly tell them that?”

  Soon after his release, Rotate bought an electric generator and a fridge and began to sell cold drinks. Cash had a gas lamp in his store and this was considered a major boost in a village where darkness descended without warning and was impenetrable and dense. But people also told Rotate that the two records Cash played over and over again were songs in which the musicians talked about enemies. One of the songs had the refrain:

  My enemy, you are not my creator

  You are not the owner of my destiny

  Your hatred of me, and your anger against me will kill you.

  We had never seen Grandpa dance, but he always told us that the day when Gramophone got married he would dance and dance. When we asked Grandpa why he did not dance he would respond, If you give me a reason to dance I will dance. Win a scholarship to study in England and I will dance. If you people give me a good reason to dance I will dance. The only person that dances for no reason is the madman down the street, and even the madman has a reason, it is only that we don’t know his reason. But the day your uncle gets married, I will dance for the whole world to see.

  Cash would later tell people that when he walked into Rotate’s store that evening, he had gone in to make peace. To talk to Rotate as one man to another. He had hoped that they could work things out and settle their differences once and for all over drinks. When Cash walked into Rotate’s shop and greeted Rotate, Rotate did not respond to the greeting but said to Cash:

  “You are not yet satisfied with informing on me and setting the police after me. You are not satisfied with spreading rumors about me. You are not satisfied with lowering your prices so that people will stop buying from me and buy from you, no you are not satisfied and now you have come to greet me with juju, or you think I don’t know who your juju man is, you think the moment you open your mouth to greet me and I respond I will now become a zombie, and slavishly do all your bidding,”

  As Rotate said this he came out of his shop and gave Cash a shove. Cash shoved Rotate back. Rotate slumped and fell to the ground. As he lay on the ground, his entire frame shook a couple of times, a little foamlike thing came out of the side of his mouth, his eyes rolled back into his head, and he stopped breathing.

  That night a neighbor came to Cash’s house and asked Cash whether he was waiting for the police to come and get him and send him to jail for the rest of his life.

  —If you know what is good for you, you better start running to the house they call the Family House. You know the big man’s house in the city. No one can touch you there—

  That was how Cash came to live in the Family House. He was the one who knew where everything was. If an item was misplaced he knew where to find it. If a lightbulb needed to be fixed or the television antennae needed to be turned or there was a hard task that no one else could do in the Family House, he was the man for the job. He had a bunch of keys with him at all times.

  The case did not go away. Rotate’s people did not give up. They called the police and Cash was charged in absentia with murder. Grandpa tried persuading them to reduce the charge to manslaughter so Cash could serve a few years in prison and be released, but the family refused. After many years, Rotate’s uncle, who was at the head of the family’s pursuit of justice, died. His relations who were left were tired of the case and the cost of going to court. Many big stores were now in the village and the story of Cash and Rotate’s rivalry seemed like an ancient folktale. Some people from Rotate’s family soon sent an emissary to Grandpa that they wanted a settlement. Rotate had died single. The family wanted money to be paid, enough money to cover the cost of him marrying a wife and they wanted many white animals, a white cow, a white goat, a white sheep, a white chicken, or the cash equivalent. Grandpa called them for a meeting and it was negotiated down. Eventually they accepted. They were paid. They in turn paid off the police and told the police to close the case.

  We were spending the holidays in the Family House the day the man formerly known as Cash, now Gramophone, got married. Grandpa had given him one of the girls who lived in the house. Her father had owed Grandpa some money and she had come to live in the Family House until the debt was owed. We were told that by the time her father was ready to repay the debt the girl said she did not want to return to her father’s house anymore or some other person said that her father had died and nobody bothered to come for the girl after that.

  On the day that Gramophone got married, there was a big party in the Family House. The entire street was invited and there was lots of music, but he did not block his ears when he was led out to dance with the bride. Grandpa also danced and danced. The kids from the poorer houses were so excited to have bottles of soft drinks to themselves. They were urged to drink as many as they wanted. Some of them had so many drinks and poured some away and screamed to each other excitedly about pouring a half-finished bottle of soft drink away.

  I remember that at some point in the night the man in charge of the music had wanted to turn off the music, but Grandpa had instructed that the music be played until morning. As we rolled in our sleep toward morning we could still hear the music playing in front of the family house.

  In time Gramophone/Cash had children and told Grandpa that he wanted to return to the village. This is your home now, Grandpa said to him. His children soon joined the many children who lived in the Family House and would grow up to work for Grandpa.

  UNCLE AYA

  They came from every part of the city. Some came all the way from the surrounding villages and towns. Others had walked long distances and their sweaty feet had accumulated a fine coating of dust. A few had brought cooking utensils and some foodstuffs along with kerosene stoves. The poorer ones had brought along firewood and sawdust to light a fire and cook with.

  Grandfather always said that in a great man’s house you’ll find at least one eccentric person. This was his usual response to the antics of Uncle Aya. Grandpa was of the view that each great household had both good and bad people. You’ll find wise men, lawyers, doctors, and the occasional mad fellow or eccentric. He said Uncle Aya was the eccentric in our great household and urged members of the household to at least accommodate his eccentricities.

  A few years back Uncle Aya had started corresponding with a certain Pastor Jonah from the West Indies who was also founder of End of the World Ministries. Uncle Aya would sometimes enlist us to help distribute their badly printed tracts, the black ink spilling from the words and the words aslant, some of the printed words smudged beyond recognition—inviting people to their crusades, healing crusades, everyday crusades, miracle crusades, Bible crusades. They usually used a large open space almost the size of a football field behind the Family House. This was where they showed Photo-Drama of the First Day of Creation. Not really a movie as such but moving photo slides. It showed how the earth was created from darkness. I recall some of the conversation around us as the images flashed.

  —So someone was there with a film camera filming God as he made the earth?—

  —Wonders will never end. So filmmaking was invented before man was created?—

  —Or was God holding a camera as he was creating the earth?—

  End of the World Ministries had many teachings that made it soon begin to attract a lot of members. They believed that it was justified to drink alcohol but not justified to get drunk because Paul had written to Timothy to drink a little wine for the sake of his stomach. They said that somewhere in the Bible God had said, Wine makes the heart of mortal man to rejoice.

  They believed it was not a sin to have more than one wife if you had married both wives before com
ing into knowledge. That was the expression they used when talking about their past lives before they became members.

  —I used to be a violent criminal before I came into knowledge, but I am now a changed person since I came into the knowledge—a new member would say during Testimony Time.

  They said all members shared everything and one should be happy to give the shirt off one’s back to another member of the church. They did not believe in elaborate funerals—a simple coffin, a few songs about waking up to behold the glory of the Father in heaven, and the burial. This was so loved by the poor because funeral expenses were usually high and those who could not bury their dead relations elaborately always faced one misfortune or another. But their greatest belief, the one that attracted more and more people to the group, was their belief that the world was coming to an end on a certain date.

  They kept Sundays holy. There was to be no cooking, no lighted fire for cooking purposes, no raised voices, no eating or drinking till after the service, no work only rest, prayer, reading of the word, and groaning in the spirit and prophesying. If unfortunately a member died it was not to be announced on a Sunday. In fact it was kept a secret and no member’s family ever said that a member had died on a Sunday. Nothing must taint the holiness of Sunday.

  I remember that for their first miracle crusade, which was to be led by Pastor Jonah, Uncle Aya had printed a lot of flyers and they had gone through the town with raised banners calling on members of the public to come with all their illnesses to the crusade ground and be healed by the man who had raised the dead in his home country, this was Pastor Jonah.

  They had been attacked when they went to the Beggars Lane, the place where the beggars lined up to receive alms, to invite the blind and lame beggars to come to the healing crusade in order to be healed. The king of the beggars had told the beggars to attack Uncle Aya’s group with sticks and stones.

  —Did we tell you we want to be healed? Why do you want to deprive us of our means of livelihood?—

  The members of the End of the World Ministries had returned from the event very excited. According to them, this was persecution, they had been persecuted for their beliefs and this was the final sign that would occur before the end of the world.

  But that particular crusade was never held because Pastor Jonah took ill. He had caught malaria and lay on a narrow iron bed in Uncle Aya’s room sweating heavily and muttering in a strange language. His thick giant-typeface Bible (the Amplified Version with Annotations and Comprehensive Concordance) lay closed beside him, lying side by side with the immobile slides of Photo-Drama of the First Day of Creation. When he burst out in a foreign tongue, Uncle Aya would come closer to him, holding an open exercise book and a pen poised to jot down his words which he declared were words of prophecy.

  “Don’t let this your pastor die in my house, you better take him to the hospital,” Grandfather told Uncle Aya.

  “How can he die? Have you not heard that he raised the dead in his home country?”

  “Well, if he dies here there’ll be no one to raise him from the dead. Besides, why can’t he help himself by healing himself of the malaria that is about to kill him.”

  “He is not suffering from malaria; he is in a trance receiving prophetic messages from God.”

  Eventually, Pastor Jonah recovered from the malaria attack and went back to the West Indies. Then he returned again, and they were preparing for the greatest event of all—the ending of the world. They said the world was going to end on a certain date at night. Probably on the first of September. They had already given out the date and they began encouraging their members to give out all of their material things, in fact all their earthly property, because they were all going up to heaven, and in heaven they would not need earthly things anymore. They were encouraged to sell what they could and bring the proceeds to Pastor Jonah. They were told to donate the things that they couldn’t immediately sell. Gold and silver were always welcome as donations to the church.

  The fame of the ministry soon spread and many people began to attend their prayer meetings.

  —I was unemployed but now I don’t have to worry about getting a job anymore because the world will end on the first of September. When I get to heaven I never have to work again because all we will do from morning to night and night to morning is sing Hosanna in the highest with Angel Michael and the rest of the heavenly hosts—

  —I was always worrying about having a baby for my husband but I am not worried anymore because the world is coming to an end, I don’t want a pregnancy to stand between me and heaven—

  —I have sold my uncompleted building and given the money to the church, according to Pastor Jonah, there are many mansions in heaven and we will pick and choose the one we want—

  —I just got a loan but I have given the money to the church because I am leaving for heaven and I will not need to repay the loan—

  And so many were already disposing of anything that would stand as an encumbrance to heaven. I remember that Grandfather’s response to all of this had been to quote from the prayer book of the Anglican Church, the part that said—World without End Amen. Grandfather had also remarked that if the heaven was going to fall and cover the earth it shouldn’t be of concern to only one individual but should be the concern of all who lived here on earth under the sky.

  When Pastor Jonah and Uncle Aya were asked how the world was going to end, was it by water like the flood of Noah or was it by fire because the Bible refers to God as a consuming fire, they both replied that they did not know. The only thing they said they knew was that God was going to take his people, the members of the church who had come to knowledge, up into heaven before unleashing his judgment on those who were left on earth.

  Uncle Aya, we were told, had been a weird one since he was little. It was said that when he was younger and chickens were being killed to make stew for Christmas celebrations, he would gather the other children in the house around the slaughtered chicken and tell the kids to close their eyes while he prayed for the dead chickens. He told the other children that chickens had souls and that if he didn’t pray for the chickens the chickens would lose both their bodies and their souls. He prayed for sick animals. He would lay hands on them and whisper things. He dreamed dreams and saw visions. While in elementary school, he predicted the death of a classmate from measles.

  Grandpa sent him to a boarding school. One day on a school picnic beside a lake, one of his classmates had pushed him into the lake. It took a while before the teacher’s attention was called and a senior student dived into the lake and rescued Uncle Aya. The story was that when they brought him out of the lake his stomach was swollen to three times its size. They had to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and then someone suggested pressing his stomach. Water came out of his mouth. He sneezed and came to. When Grandpa heard about the incident, he went and brought him back from the school. They say Grandpa said it was a taboo for him to be the one who buried his children instead of the other way round. After the incident, Uncle Aya began telling stories of the things he had seen while he was underwater. A beautiful place with double-story buildings all constructed with solid gold. He said the buildings sparkled and glittered.

  “What happened to the boy is bigger than what his mind can contain, it sure shook up his mind,” Grandpa said.

  First he was taken to the hospital to see a doctor but the doctor said there was nothing wrong with him, then he was taken to see a prophetess of a white garment church. He began living in the church and wore only flowing white soutanes. He began to see religion in mundane everyday activities. When smoke rose out of the Family House chimney he watched it to see if it went up in a straight line or dispersed. If it went up in a straight line he would say it is acceptable unto the lord, if it curved or dispersed he would say that there was something unholy being cooked. He would go days saying he was on a white fast and would eat only food that was white in color—white corn pap, white bread, white yams, egg whites, and avoid th
ings cooked with oil.

  At other times he would insist that before any chicken was slaughtered or any goat or sheep for that matter that he had to pray for its soul and make the sign of the cross across its heart. He would conduct funerals for dead birds and dead lizards and insist that they had souls and he wanted their souls to make heaven.

  The story of how much he loved God was usually illustrated with an incident from his childhood. He had been given two coins. The coin with a higher denomination was for him to put in the offering box in church while the smaller coin was for him to buy a Popsicle for himself when he finished at church. As he jumped across an open drain on his way to church, the larger coin flew out of his pocket into the open drain.

  Sorry, there goes my Popsicle money, God, he said, and looked up to heaven, your own money is still intact.

  Another kid would have said, Sorry, God, but that was your money that just fell into the drain.

  The End of the World Ministries wasn’t Uncle Aya’s first religious movement. Years back he had founded another religious movement that combined the teachings of Islam, Christianity, and Ancestor worship. The movement picked a few of the things that it liked in the different religions and its members were free to pray in any way they saw fit according to the ways of the three religions. They were free to marry more than one wife if they promised to love all the wives equally. They celebrated on Christmas day, fasted during the month of Ramadan, and worshiped ancestors on designated months.