This House Is Not for Sale

by E. C. Osondu

  What was remembered most about the day he returned was that there was so many free soft drinks that we used our half-drunk soda drinks to wash our hands, like we did when Gramophone got married. We also ate so much fried lamb meat that there was a long line in front of the toilet the next day. He was Grandpa’s favorite son; even our parents whispered that it was Grandpa that had spoiled him.

  He had been sent abroad to study in the first place because it was said that the course of study he wanted to pursue was so complicated that no university in the continent offered it.

  People needed no invitation to come and eat. There was more than enough food for everyone. After eating, the people on the street gathered to pick their teeth, belch, and talk.

  —Now that the son has returned from abroad he will bring some civilization into the house—

  —He should at least send those scary souls living in the house away. They scare everyone. I couldn’t even take the food offered by one of them earlier today—

  —He will change things, even from the way he speaks. If you were in the next room you’d think it’s a foreigner speaking—

  —What can he do? What will he change? Was it not the money from the house that sent him and kept him abroad all these years?—

  —He should have gone to stay elsewhere if he was different. Since he returned to the same house he is part of it—

  —Exactly what did he study abroad? Is he a doctor, lawyer, or engineer?—

  —What did he spend all these years studying?—

  —I hear that what he studied is so specialized that no university in our continent offers it—

  —We are still here. We are not going anywhere. We are watching. We shall see—

  The expectation of both Grandpa and every other member of the family was that Brother Julius would get a job, marry, buy a car, and move into his own house, but this didn’t happen. Brother Julius had a different plan. Brother Julius wanted the party to continue and it did for days and days after his arrival. There was talk of a job but Brother Julius had everyone, including Grandpa, confused about what exactly he had studied in school and what could be done with his qualification. Someone said he had mentioned international criminology, but when he was asked if that meant he could join the police force he said that was very far from what he studied.

  All of these things would not have been a major cause for concern. After all, people said that there was enough money in that house to feed all the people on that street for all the years of their lives. Trouble started when Brother Julius began to entertain the hairdresser popularly known as Man-Woman, who lived two streets away. A man, he was known all over the neighborhood for his feminine ways. He painted his long nails pink. He had his hair in Jheri curls. He preferred tight white trousers. He swayed his waist from side to side when he walked. He tied his towel on his chest and not on his waist on his way to the bathroom. He stood and gossiped with women all the time. And when the women said something funny he laughed in a tinkling manner and covered his mouth coyly with his fingers.

  He was known to be generous, and even those who didn’t like him had no reason to be hostile toward him. The womenfolk liked him and confided in him. He had the secrets of the menfolk in his hands. Initially it did not surprise anyone that Man-Woman came to the Family House to greet Brother Julius. The man had just returned from abroad and well-wishers were free to walk in and have a drink or even just to see the face of the returnee. The strange thing about the visit was that they hugged like long-lost brothers and had eyes only for each other, such that without being told other guests who were sipping soft drinks and White Horse whiskey, had to slip out of the room. When they left they heard the door shut behind them and then there were soft girlish giggles from Man-Woman. In the days that followed, Man-Woman began to bring different guests to the house. They ate, drank, talked, ate some more, drank tea, and laughed loudly. The only time Brother Julius said anything to anyone was in response to Grandpa’s accusation that he was having an everlasting party and that no party lasts forever, when he told Grandpa that this was not a party but that he was holding a salon with his new friends.

  —And what is this we hear that he has turned that house into a hotel for all kinds of people—

  —He claims it is not a hotel but that he is holding a salon—

  —What is that? Did he go abroad to learn hairdressing?—

  —Don’t we have enough barbing and hairdressing saloons on this street already?—

  —Even Kafa calls himself a London-trained barber and his London-Style Barbing Saloon has been there since that boy was a kid—

  —He says it is not that kind of saloon. His is a salon, a place where they gather to talk about ideas for the betterment of society—

  —So why do they shut the door when they discuss these ideas?—

  —You are asking me as if I’ve been in there with them. I am not a member—

  —So tell me why is it that it is only people like Man-Woman who attend the meetings?—

  —What society do they want to make better, they want to destroy the world that they met with their strange ways?—

  —I heard that all those men who enter that room follow their fellow men. They go with their fellow men—

  —Shhhh, hush, don’t say that. This world is live and let live—

  —But how do they make money from this salon?—

  —They say the salon is not meant to make money, it is for the discussion of ideas for the betterment of society—

  —If it does not make money, how can it better society?—

  —You are asking me?—

  —Who do you want me to ask; did you hear that I am a member of their secret salon?—

  —If it is a secret society, that one is good. The secret society members help themselves. Once you give each other the secret handshake, it is like you are both born of the same mother. You will give the other person the shirt on your back—

  —But who pays for all the drinks and food and tea that they consume in their meetings—

  —They have money in that house. Money is not their problem. First I thought it was the man from abroad funding the thing but I hear he did not return with a single brass farthing—

  —He keeps telling everyone that his things are still on the high seas, that he could not carry much with him on the flight—

  —Well, all I can say is that if they cannot make the world better, let them not ruin the world, they had better leave it the way they met it—

  The parties continued. Now, there was no longer anything furtive about them. They were having parties. They were playing loud music. Some people who said someone saw men holding the waist of other men and they were dancing hold-tight in there.

  Grandpa finally summoned Brother Julius for a man-to-man talk. He asked him when his stuff would be arriving from abroad. Brother Julius responded that the shipping company said the goods may have been missing on the high seas or that the ship lost its route due to high winds but would be arriving at the ports soon.

  What about getting a job? he was asked.

  He said by the nature of what he studied he was more comfortable setting up a consultancy firm.

  And what exactly had he studied that had no name or that was only mentioned in vague terms?

  He was an expert in the area of international criminology.

  Had he considered joining the state secret police? Force CID at police headquarters?

  He was not in the same field as the secret police.

  And then Grandpa, having circled the subject as much as he could, asked Brother Julius about what was bothering him most. It wasn’t the issue of getting a job, that wasn’t a problem at all. There was enough money in the house to feed generations to come. As Grandpa used to tell us, the difference between him and others was that he had planted a money tree in the Family House, which will continue to bear fruit into the future if not in perpetuity.

  “People have been whispering about the company you k
eep. That all kinds of people come to the house. Such and such people. People they do not quite know how to describe. People that are neither birds that fly in the air nor four-legged animals that walk on land.”

  Brother Julius responded that he was a grown man and that he would keep the company of whoever he wanted.

  Grandpa said he didn’t have a problem with that, but it would be better if Brother Julius did what other grown men did, such as getting a good job and getting a car and driver and moving into their own flat, and if they wished, they could live the highlife lifestyle to the fullest by throwing a party every weekend or every day for that matter.

  One of the surprising members of the salon was a married man named Seleto. He was a happy fellow, always smiling and buying people drinks in neighborhood bars. People wondered what he was doing with the salon crowd.

  —He is probably there for the free drinks. He loves to drink with people—

  —He can afford to buy his own drinks. He always offers to buy for people—

  —He probably doesn’t know what is going on there—

  —Maybe they have initiated him, you can never be sure—

  —You mean converted him?—

  —It is like a club, when you join, then you become a member—

  —I hear there are benefits of being a member. They say they can recognize themselves anywhere—

  —They say a lot of important people are members and that they reward each other with jobs and contracts—

  —I think Seleto and Julius were in high school together. He is just keeping the company of an old schoolmate—

  One morning Seleto’s wife ran into the Family House, screaming. She was dragging her husband with her. She screamed. She wailed. She cried. She cursed.

  “What have you people done with my husband’s manhood?”

  “What did you use his manhood for?”

  “Why have you people stolen the thing that makes him a man?”

  “I warned him when he started coming to this house. I told him the house is evil. I told him that only bad stories ever came out of the house. I told him to start following other women, to get a girlfriend, but he would not listen. Was it the drinks in this house? My husband can buy his own drink and everyone knows that.”

  She started screaming one more time.

  “Come outside, you, and give him back his thing.” She was calling on Brother Julius.

  “All the evil that you people have been doing in darkness I know it would come to light. Now it has come to light. Come and repair the damage you have done.”

  People had come out of their houses by this time and were looking at the house and listening to Seleto’s wife.

  —What did she say happened to her husband?—

  —She said they took his manhood—

  —How did they take it? Has it disappeared completely?—

  —I do not know. Nobody has seen it—

  —You remember a few years back there was the case of disappearing manhood—

  —Oh yes I remember. We were warned to stop shaking other people’s hands. First we were warned to stop shaking the hands of strangers and then later we were told to stop shaking the hands of anybody because it wasn’t just strangers that were doing it—

  Brother Julius came out and so did Grandpa. They were asking Seleto’s wife to calm down and to stop screaming. They said that whatever the problem was, it could never be solved by screaming. They asked Seleto to say what happened, but Seleto pointed back at his wife.

  “Since he began to come to this house to party every evening he has not been living with me as a husband should. He always complains that he is too tired or too drunk to do it. So this morning I got angry and threatened to leave him unless he agreed to do it with me only to discover that what made him a man is no longer there.”

  “Disappeared, how? How has it disappeared? Show us.”

  They looked around and drove the children away and asked Seleto to pull up his flowing djellaba.

  Nobody was quite sure what they were going to see when he pulled it up. Was the place going to be flat or sealed off completely? How would he pee?

  According to those who saw it, they said Seleto’s manhood was still there but it had shrunk and was looking like it wanted to run back into wherever it originally emerged from.

  —We thought you said it is gone but it is still there—they said to Seleto’s wife.

  “You look at it with your two eyes—does it look alive to you?”

  —If it is dead, then you go wake it up. After all, you are his wife—

  “It wasn’t dead until he started coming here. That was when he stopped looking at me like a woman.”

  —You better leave if you do not want us to lock you up—she was told.

  As we later heard, Grandpa called Brother Julius aside and asked him to go back overseas and promise never to come back, that he would have all his expenses taken care of. He agreed. He departed with none of the fanfare with which he had returned. He departed like a thief in the night.

  Those who asked after him were told that he had been offered a job abroad because there was no company in the country that could retain the services of a specialist in international criminology like Brother Julius.

  BABY

  Baby lived in the Family House. Though she was older than us, we all called her Baby. Baby was not really a name as such. It was more of a placeholder. A baby born in the father’s absence, perhaps the father was on a journey, was called Baby until the father returned from his trip, and then there would be a ceremony when the baby was properly christened with a proper name.

  Baby was often described as behaving like someone who fell off a moving train. We sometimes saw overloaded trains with passengers hanging on the door and windows and some who were squatting on the roof hurtled down the rail tracks on its way to the terminal. To imagine someone falling off this train and surviving it was difficult to do, but anyone who did must have had their brains pretty shook up.

  There were many stories about Baby. It was said that the reason she was banned from going to the major department store was because she was in the habit of quarreling with the mannequins.

  “Am I not greeting you?” she was said to have said to one, and hissed.

  “At least, if you do not have the courtesy to greet, you should have the courtesy to respond to people’s greetings.”

  And when there was still no response from the mannequin she had called to a passerby and complained.

  “See this lady, she would not greet me and when I greeted her, would not respond,” she complained.

  All outlandish deeds were attributed to her. She was said to have nearly killed a little baby in her care who was running a fever. She had tried to force the baby into Grandpa’s Frigidaire. When she was accosted she had responded that it was not her fault. She had been told that items went into the freezer hot and emerged cold.

  We played pranks on her. At night we would call her and ask her to blow out the flashlight the way you would blow out a flame. She would blow at the flashlight furiously and we would laugh at her.

  One of Grandpa’s favorite sayings is that no person is completely useless in this life. So he put Baby to use and made her try her hand at many things. She was first in the machete shop selling stuff, but she could not tell the difference between large and small bills. She would give customers change that was more than the amount paid. It was noticed that whenever she was the one in the store the place filled up quickly because those customers she had given change or undersold items to would tell others, who in turn would tell others that Baby was the one selling. After that experience she was soon sent to hawk iced water in cellophane packs. Each was sold for one naira so nobody could cheat her. She was told not to sell to anybody who did not have the exact amount.

  Baby hawked sachets of cold water on a construction site to workers building an overhead bridge. The workers were mostly from neighboring foreign countries. They loved Baby because they could
grope her as much as they wanted without any objections from her. She laughed at every action. She would sell two dozen sachets during lunch break and go back to the store and bring back more. They all paid her. No one tried to cheat her. As long as she was willing to be groped they were all happy. There was one guy who didn’t grope her. He would talk with her and was satisfied even if all she did was grin. His name was Asare. He was also from one of the neighboring countries. He was a bricklayer but worked with the construction company as a laborer because it paid more. He talked to her about missing his country. He talked to her about how people here were always in a hurry, unlike in his own country. One day he told her to come back to the construction site when everyone had left. He took her behind a concrete mixer, lifted her dress, and entered her. He was quickly done. He gave her money and told her to dump all the unsold water sachets into the lagoon. She complied.

  Three months later Baby wouldn’t eat. She grew pale. Someone heard her retching in the toilet. She cried. Grandpa asked her who was responsible for the pregnancy. She said it was Akwanumadede. Akwanumadede was a popular highlife song from one of the neighboring countries, and most of the construction workers from there were nicknamed Akwanumadede by their counterparts. She was asked to take them to the worksite. By the time they got to the construction site, the bridge was already completed and the workers had dispersed.

  There was a childless rich trader who owned lots of stores close to Grandpa’s store. The rich trader’s name was Janet. She was a big distributor of smoked catfish, which she bought cheaply from the North, where they had it in abundance, and sold at a profit. She had her own house, a two-story building with the legend LET THEM SAY written on the entrance. She loved gold and had gold rings on every finger and a massive gold chain and pendant on her neck. People greeted her politely but talked behind her back.

  —With no child of her own when she’s gone, who will she leave all her wealth to?—

  —Her womb produces money, not children—