Moses reminds the Israelites of the wonders of the Exodus. He asks them to consider how in forty years their clothes and shoes did not wear out once, and sustenance was never lacking, and to remember how military battles were won and the land was conquered.
He begs the Israelites to observe the covenant’s terms so their prosperity will be guaranteed.
Anonymous
I like to think of the opening books of the Bible as a slightly wordy, occasionally inaccessible buddy road movie. Two initially ill-suited characters—in Rain Man, Tom Cruise and Dustin Hoffman, in Exodus, God and the Israelites—are thrown together by a life-threatening experience and become bound at the hip.
Through Leviticus and Numbers, the Lord and His chosen people have their share of high jinks. Wilderness living. Hunger. Thirst. Enemies from King Sihon of Heshbon to King Og of Bashan have been introduced to the meaning of one of God’s favorite words, smite.
Strange then, after four decades of a relationship forged in sweat, sand, and death, that God suddenly elects to depart from the buddy genre. With our heroes poised to cross the Jordan and enter the promised land, the Lord delivers a speech of such curdling horror that it makes a mockery of the common wisdom, “The devil gets all the best lines.”
God’s middleman, Moses, is forced to do the dirty work. He starts on familiar territory, trotting out a routine reminder of some of the Lord’s pet peeves. The biggies—no idols or lying “with any beast”—are relayed alongside what one hopes would have been rarer transgressions. Those seized by the frankly incomprehensible idea of “lying with their mother-in-law” are reminded that such copulation is frowned upon.
But God is just getting started, and Moses moves up a gear to race through the familiar legalese of the Israelites’ covenant with God. If they can resist the allure of their in-laws, they will be blessed. It is still easy to detect a touch of the “blah blah blahs” in Moses’ voice as he works toward his finale. “But if you do not obey the Lord your God to observe faithfully all His commandments and laws which I enjoin upon you this day, all these curses shall come upon you and take effect.”
Moses pauses dramatically for a beat before launching into this final act with a bombastic venom. Some highlights:
Verse 22: “The Lord will strike you with consumption, fever, and inflammation, with scorching heat and drought, with blight and mildew.”
Verse 25: “You shall become a horror to all the kingdoms of the earth. Your carcasses shall become food for all the birds of the sky and all the beasts of the earth, with none to frighten them off.”
By now, Moses has worked up quite the head of steam. These are lines that can only be delivered bug-eyed with spittle foaming from the corner of his mouth:
Verse 27: “The Lord will strike you with the ‘Egyptian inflammation,’ with hemorrhoids, boil-scars, and itch, from which you shall never recover.”
Can it get worse? It can. The climax:
Verse 49: “The Lord will bring a nation against you from afar, from the end of the earth, which will swoop down like the eagle . . . shut you up in all your towns throughout your land until . . . you eat your own issue, the flesh of your sons and daughters.”
Ten lines of carrot have been delivered by rote with all the passion of an air steward trotting out preflight emergency precautions. Fifty-two verses of sadistic stick are then preached with fire and brimstone.
What kind of a God conjures threats like these, with the kind of creative violence typically found only in the Yiddish cursing tradition? (“May all your teeth fall out—except one, and may that one cause you great pain.”) And just as important, isn’t belief in the God of the heavens tarnished just a little by this reliance on threat and force?
The knee-jerk disgust I experience is quickly tempered by the realization that if anyone knows humans, it should be God. After all, She allegedly created us.
At the risk of having delusions of grandeur, I would assess the situation through God’s eyes as such: She knows the Israelites are on the brink of an epic societal transformation. For forty years they have been utterly dependent on Her for food, clothing, and protection. Now they are not only preparing to enter the promised land but are about to create their own social order and morality. This speech is Her one last chance to influence their actions.
Effective storytelling demands that you know your audience—in God’s case, humans. She knows we are weak, fallible, and easily tempted. At the very least, I am. And with those truths self-evident, there are few more effective ways to deliver a memorable message than employing the rigid conventions of the horror genre.
“Here’s Johnny!”1
“They’re he-e-e-re.”2
“Whatever you do, don’t fall asleep.”3
We remember terror-filled tales because of the stimulation and catharsis they provide, and for the strict moral code that is reinforced by their retelling. Well-worn horror dictates are as familiar as they are clichéd: Don’t pick up a deranged hitchhiker when it is lightning; try to get to third base with your girlfriend while in a vehicle, late at night, in a deserted parking lot when a serial killer is on the loose; or perhaps worst of all, be the guy who dismissively quips, “I’ll prove to you that nothing will happen if I read from this book . . .” Decapitation, flaying, or asphyxiation is guaranteed to ensue.
I like this God of Horror. Think of Her not as some kind of puritanical televangelist wallowing in self-righteousness but more a human manipulator, like Alfred Hitchcock or Wes Craven—a master storyteller like Edgar Allan Poe or Stephen King, a writer who once reduced his methodology to “terror as the finest emotion, and so I will try to terrorize the reader.”
Picture the Lord crafting a draft of this speech in a writers’ room with Moses, giggling as they brainstorm scenarios of doom, searching for the perfect, fear-inducing combination that would not just be listened to, but heard and repeated for generations.
An NC-17 God. The kind of deity I can believe in.
1The Shining
2Poltergeist
3A Nightmare on Elm Street
“Surely, this instruction which I enjoin upon you this day is not too baffling, nor is it beyond reach.” —Deuteronomy 30:11
NITZAVIM (“Ones standing”)
Deuteronomy 29:9–30:20
Moses reminds all the Israelites that they stand before God, and that all of them have the choice to enter into the covenant. Anyone who is tempted to worship the gods of other nations shall be warned that a furious God will blot them out of existence. Moses proceeds to paint an apocalyptic portrait of the destruction experienced by any tribe who breaks the covenant, detailing the plagues, diseases, and famine they will suffer.
If the Israelites become cursed and experience suffering, they can always return to God and follow the commands while in exile. The Lord will then restore their fortunes and reunite them, reinstating the blessings.
Moses sets out the stark choice for his people and makes sure they understand how simple the decision should be. Their fate does not depend on the heavens, or foreign affairs. It will be determined by their very words and deeds. Moses offers the Israelites the choice of life or death and asks heaven and earth to act as a witness for their decision.
Eli Attie
Int. sleek, ultra-modern conference room--day
MOSES sits at a big glass conference table, across from two PAUNCHY, MIDDLE-AGED MEN in suits. A fresh-faced TWENTYSOMETHING sits behind them, also in a suit. Moses is wearing dusty, threadbare robes. He looks tired, even older than his 120 years, like a guy who has just crossed the desert by foot. You might say he’s a little out of his element. The paunchy men look at him expectantly. After a long, awkward beat--
MOSES
Look, I don’t know how to--I appreciate your sitting down with me today.
PAUNCHY MAN #1
Oh, it’s a real thrill for
us--
PAUNCHY MAN #2
We’re big fans, have all your albums and--
The twentysomething nudges paunchy man #2 and points to the name on a FILE that’s in front of him.
PAUNCHY MAN #2 (CONT’D)
I’m so sorry. I thought this was the--
[To twentysomething]
When’s the Willie Nelson meeting?
TWENTYSOMETHING
He’s your two fifteen--
PAUNCHY MAN #1
[To twentysomething]
Let’s get a big fruit plate or something--
PAUNCHY MAN #2
[To Moses]
”Always on My Mind“ slays me every time--
MOSES
I’ve been in the desert for forty years. I’m still on lute music.
The paunchy men LAUGH at this, until they realize he’s not joking.
MOSES (CONT’D)
Honestly? I’m not sure I need any . . . what do you call this again?
PAUNCHY MAN #1
Crisis management’s what we generally--
PAUNCHY MAN #2
Or strategic communications. No one’s saying there’s a crisis in this . . . movement of yours--
MOSES
It’s a religion. And I wouldn’t say it’s mine.
PAUNCHY MAN #2
[To paunchy man #1]
See, that’s a branding opportunity right there--
PAUNCHY MAN #1
Gotta sell YOURSELF every bit as much as your--
PAUNCHY MAN #2
[To paunchy man #1]
How ’bout we smarten up his clothes first--
[To the twentysomething]
Get him in to see Karen as soon as--
MOSES
No, look, here’s the thing. I’m sure Karen’s terrific.
PAUNCHY MAN #1
She’s the best.
MOSES
And again, I appreciate your time. Abraham insisted I sit down with you guys. I know you really helped him out when he had that problem with his kid.
PAUNCHY MAN #1
Not to beat our chests, but one day he’s an infanticidal nutbag, the next he’s starring in biblical epics. I’m just sayin’.
MOSES
And that’s great. But my situation’s different. We had a rough patch as we were nearing the Holy Land, some folks started turning away from the Lord our God, I ended up being the heavy. But we got through it, and I don’t know that I have a P.R. problem at all.
The paunchy men are skimming some NEWS CLIPPINGS from the file. They share a look: another client in denial.
MOSES (CONT’D)
Fine, I’ve gotten some bad press lately. I don’t always say things in the most . . . elegant way.
The paunchy men share another look: Who’s gonna lower the boom on this guy? Then--
PAUNCHY MAN #2
Mr. Moses--
MOSES
Just Moses is fine--
PAUNCHY MAN #2
You compared your own membership to--
[Reading from clipping]
”Poison weed and wormwood“--
MOSES
That’s way out of context, no one ran the full quote--and they’re not ”members,“ they’re--
PAUNCHY MAN #1
[Another clipping]
You said if they didn’t follow your ”covenant“--
MOSES
It’s GOD’S covenant--
PAUNCHY MAN #1
You said their soil would be ”devastated by sulfur and salt“--you think the EPA gives a rat’s ass whose covenant it is?
MOSES
People were hungry, tired, false idols were bandied about. And yeah, maybe I was a little harsh in the way I phrased certain--
PAUNCHY MAN #1
”A little harsh“? This ”religion“ of yours sounds more like a protection racket.
MOSES
Again, it’s not MY--
Moses has had enough of this, starts to rise to leave--
MOSES (CONT’D)
Never mind. I don’t know why I let Abe talk me into--
PAUNCHY MAN #2
Hang on, don’t get your tunic in a bunch here, all we’re saying is, does it have to be so doom-and-gloom? Look at some of the other religions--glitzy promises of salvation, seventy-one virgins--
PAUNCHY MAN #1
That’s been really popular lately--
PAUNCHY MAN #2
Mega-church choirs that make U2 sound like a jug band--
PAUNCHY MAN #1
We’re working with Bono on his debt-relief stuff. That’s confidential--
PAUNCHY MAN #2
Point is, you’re in a brutally tough marketplace, and instead of sweetening the pot, you’re saying, Follow these endless laws and rules and whatever--
MOSES
Commandments--
PAUNCHY MAN #2
Whatever, or you’re cursed for generations. ”Yahweh or the highway.“ THAT’S gonna grow your market share?
PAUNCHY MAN #1
[To paunchy man #2]
How ’bout a prize giveaway?
Moses is getting visibly agitated.
PAUNCHY MAN #2
Punchier slogan might do it. ”Want faith? Jew got it.“ Get it? ”Jew got it.“
MOSES
[Annoyed]
I get it.
PAUNCHY MAN #2
Goes down easier than your plagues and wormwood and what-have-you.
Moses can’t take any more of this. He rises, creating a small cloud of DUST--
MOSES
Let’s talk about my ”what-have-you.“ Yes, it can be demanding, unforgiving, at times contradictory. One minute God’s ushering in abounding prosperity, the next he’s wielding a tire iron like Tony Soprano--I can’t always figure it out myself. And if we gave away prizes and had cutesy slogans, maybe we’d be the biggest religion on the planet. But you know what? That’s not the TRUTH. That’s not his WORD, his COMMAND.
[Building a head of steam]
And the TRUTH happens to be beautiful and ugly and confounding and uplifting AT THE SAME TIME, because IT is THAT WAY, because ALL OF life IS THAT WAY. It’s a riddle. An undertaking. There are CONSEQUENCES. It doesn’t fit on a bumper sticker. The prizes go to those who SWEAT for ’em. AND I DON’T CARE WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT ME IN THE GODDAMN NEWSPAPERS.
A stunned silence. And then--
PAUNCHY MAN #1
[To twentysomething]
Are we ready for the Willie Nelson meeting?
AND WE--CUT TO BLACK.
“He (Moses) said to them: ‘I am now one hundred and twenty years old, I can no longer be active. Moreover, the Lord has said to me, ‘You shall not go across yonder Jordan.’” —Deuteronomy 31:2
VA-YE’LEKH (“Then he went out”)
Deuteronomy 31:1–30
The climax: Moses informs Israel that at the age of 120 he is no longer able to lead them. The Lord has forbidden him to cross the Jordan into the promised land, so Joshua will inherit his mantle. Despite the transition, it will still be the Lord who will go before them and wipe out the nations who currently live on the land.
Moses calls Joshua before him, and in front of the entire community, transfers the reins of power. He instructs the priests, Levites, and elders to read the entire Torah to the Israelites every seven years as they gather together for Sukkot.
The Lord informs Moses that his time to die is nearing and suggests he bring Joshua to the Tent of Meeting. The Lord meets them in a pillar of cloud and expresses a concern that Moses’ death will encourage a spate of infractions among the Israelites, who might worship other gods and force the Lord to abandon them. As a precautionary measure, God presents a poem that will remind the people of the covenant and the curses and blessings it offers.
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Moses writes the poem down and teaches it to the Israelites, charging Joshua with the courage to lead them. Then he orders the Levites to take the book he has written and place it beside the ark as a reminder to obey the Lord.
Despite this, Moses confides his fear that the people were defiant while he was alive and will be worse once he dies. He orders them to gather the entire Israelite community so he can read the Lord’s poem to them one last time.
Gillian Laub
GRANDMA FEELING MY BELLY
Mamaroneck, New York October 2012
Grandma is ninety-three. She can’t see anymore, but she knows her eighth great-grandchild is in my belly. We spent the afternoon in her bedroom waiting to feel kicks.
GRANDMA HAVING A MASSAGE
Mamaroneck, New York October 2012
Grandma is in the den, getting her weekly massage. Sometimes when she dozes off, she starts to talk to my grandfather. Even though he passed away five years ago, she thinks he’s in the room.
“The Rock!—His deeds are perfect, Yea, all His ways are just; A faithful God, never false, True and upright is He.” —Deuteronomy 32:4
HA’AZINU (“Listen”)
Deuteronomy 32:1–52
Moses addresses the Israelites with a final, lengthy poem, fittingly known as the Song of Moses.
In the course of 142 lines he proclaims the glory of God, lambastes human weakness, celebrates the role the Lord played in blessing the Israelites, yet predicts a future in which they grow fat with wealth and start to worship idols. An incensed God is then compelled to inflict an arsenal of punishments, including famine, plague, and pestilence.
Unscrolled : 54 Writers and Artists Wrestle With the Torah (9780761178743) Page 25
