“It is true.”
“I’ll get in with you, if it makes it better?” I say, giving him a weak smile.
He gives me such a weak smile, it looks like it pains him just to lift his lips. “Well, if that ain’t a way to get a man to bed.”
I laugh softly and grip his arm, helping him up. When he slides into bed, I tuck the sheets over him and then lay on top of them, putting my head on the pillow beside his. We both stare up at the faint light above for long moments, neither of us speaking.
“Why did you run before?” he croaks.
“We’re not talking about that now, you need to rest, Jase.”
“I want to talk about it now,” he says, his voice as firm as he can manage.
“Jase, please…”
“Nev, don’t let me die wondering what went on. Don’t do that to me.”
I feel hot tears burn my cheeks as the reality of his words hit me hard.
“Jase, you’re not going to die, we’re going to fight…”
He grips my hand, squeezing it tightly.
“Don’t pretend this isn’t what we both know it is.”
“Jase, please, don’t give up,” I plead, my voice a desperate whisper.
“There’s nothing to give up, Nev, I am sick…I am dying.”
“No,” I sob, gripping his hand. “Jase, stop saying that. People get better all the time. The treatment could work and this will all be a bad dream.”
“Hush Nev, you and I both know that’s not going to happen here,” he murmurs, lifting my head and putting it on his shoulder.
“Jase, please, I need you to fight.”
“I am fighting,” he whispers.
“Then fight harder!” I cry.
He stiffens and I feel incredibly selfish. How dare I tell him to fight when I have no idea how it feels for him. Feeling shame rise through me, I do the only thing I can to make it better. I tell him the truth he wants to hear. I owe him the truth, it’s what he wants and he has every right to hear it. Closing my eyes, I prepare myself for the painful memories that come flooding back into my mind as I begin to speak.
“Do you remember that night, Jase? The night I had sex with Whiskey?”
He nods, stiffly. What a stupid question. Of course he remembers, it probably broke his heart.
“Well…I never quite forgave myself for it. I felt so wrong sleeping with him, when I knew you both wanted me. I should have said no. I should have turned him down but I didn’t even though I knew it would hurt you. I felt like such a…whore.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong. You made a choice, it was your choice and you had every right to make it how you wished.”
“And because of it, Whiskey is gone and I missed five years of your life…”
He sighs. “That’s what this is about, isn’t it? Guilt.”
“It’s part of it. Jase, I…I…after that happened, and I woke up in the morning to find you both gone, I thought maybe it was all a dream. Then when I went looking for you both, I couldn’t find you. I didn’t know where you were. I didn’t understand what I did wrong.”
“You did nothing wrong Nev, that’s the problem. We were both mad about you, and we both knew that you would be forced to pick if we stayed and the friendship would slowly fall to pieces. Everything we knew and loved, would crumble. We both knew a choice had to be made, and so we made it.”
“You made it for me, it hurt me Jase, I was devastated. My best friends, my life lines, just disappeared. Then…”
“Then what?”
I close my eyes. Jase wants to know everything that happened, and he has that right, so I’ll tell him. I close my eyes and come straight out with it.
“Whiskey and me…we didn’t use protection that night. I found out I was pregnant two weeks after you both left. I went mad, I wouldn’t believe it. I searched and searched, I looked everywhere I could but I couldn’t find either of you. I knew I had to deal with it on my own, and I honestly didn’t know how I was going to do that,” I whisper, feeling my voice quaver.
“Oh god, Nev, I’m so sorry.”
“I…I…god I didn’t know what to do. Maybe it was my fault it ended badly. I was so broken.”
“You were only eighteen, you were hurt, you were scared. God, Nev, I’m so sorry. Whiskey would be devastated if he knew…”
His words stab me right in the heart. I lurch out of the bed, the emotion of everything getting the better of me. I scurry into the bathroom, feeling my stomach turn. I drop to my knees and lean over the toilet and gag, my tears blending with my saliva as I retch and retch. Whiskey would be devastated. Whiskey left me. Whiskey fucked me and then left me. Jase is dying. It’s all falling apart. I hear the door open a moment later, and Jase carefully leans down by my side. Like a waterfall, I fall to pieces.
“Don’t leave me, Jase, I can’t lose you,” I scream, gripping my hair.
“Hey, come on, shhh.”
He sits on the floor beside me and wraps his arms around me. I cry so much my body heaves and shakes.
“Jase no, I can’t lose you. Jase…no…”
“Sometimes life goes this way Nev, we can’t change it.”
“Jase, you can’t die,” I scream, my voice so full of pathetic desperation for something I know I can’t change.
“Shhhh, hey, shhhh. You have to be strong, remember?”
“Jase,” I gasp. “Jase.”
He rocks me gently and then carefully he stands, bringing me up with him. I force my legs to move, knowing he doesn’t have the strength to pull me. When he positions us back on the bed, with my body wrapped in his arms, I continue to cry until my body is out of tears and I lay shaking in his arms. When I look up at him, I know my eyes are puffy, red and ugly. He smiles weakly and runs his finger over the puffy lump under my left eye.
“You always did get big and puffy when you cried.”
“What will I do without you, Jase?” I whisper.
“You’ll go on, because that’s what I want for you.”
“How can you be so ok with this? How can you not be falling to pieces?”
“Because I’m going somewhere peaceful, when it’s over for me, it’s over. You…Whiskey…you have to stay behind. You have to feel the pain.”
“I can’t find him, Jase, I’m trying, I am, but I can’t find him.”
He smiles weakly. “You know, if he knew you were looking for him, he’d come back. He was madly in love with you, Nevaeh.”
“No…”
“Yes, and you were madly in love with him, weren’t you?”
I tilt my head and look up to meet Jase’s gaze.
“I was in love with you too, Jase.”
“It was a different love.”
“I don’t understand how it could be different, love is love, Jase. I loved you both.”
He sighs and touches my lips. “You didn’t see how he made love to you that night, you didn’t see it from my eyes as I watched it. He never took his eyes from yours, the way he touched you, the way he pressed your body to his, the way he soothed you when it hurt. I saw something both of you couldn’t see. I saw it and I denied it. I let Whiskey run, when I should have told him to stay and love you. I let him run, because I was being selfish. I never had a chance Nev, I should have let him have that chance.”
“Jase,” I whisper. “That’s not true.”
“Let me tell you something someone once told me, and it’ll help you understand what I’m trying to say. Some say there are three loves in each person’s life. Puppy love comes first. Puppy love is the love that you find with a person when you’re too young to know better. It could be that boy who kisses you through the fence when you are seven, or the girl you footsie with during school when you are ten. Puppy love defines us in some way, it creates a little part of us, changes a little something about who we are. The second love is what I like to call your first love. Sometimes this love lasts for years, sometimes it even lasts forever and a person can be completely content with it. It’s
that love that first sweeps you off your feet, it’s the love that shows you what love is about. That kind of love opens your eyes to all other love, passion and desire in the world. That kind of love also changes you, it teaches you about friendship, and loyalty. It defines you. I was that love for you, Nevaeh. Then, thirdly, there is true love. I believe we only find true love once, and some of us are never lucky enough to get it in our lives. Some of us only get that first love, and we’re forever content with it because we never know that sometimes, just sometimes, there is someone out there that we could love even more. True love to me, is that person that just fits you. Not only are they your best friend, your lover and your rock, but they’re your hero, your worst enemy and everything in between. That kind of love, it’s heart wrenching, soul crushing, beautiful and twisted. It’s the kind of love that you can never forget, you can never let go of and you can never walk away from. It’s the love that makes you, it can also be the love that breaks you. True love, it’s the ultimate love and Nevaeh, you’ve been lucky enough to have found all your loves. You found me and I opened parts of you that wouldn’t be there without the love we shared, then you found Whiskey and he…well…he completed you. Whiskey is your true love Nevaeh.”
“And what about you,” I rasp. “What about your chance for true love?”
He smiles and tucks me into his side. “My life is complete, Nevaeh, because I found love. It was enough for me, you were always enough for me. You made me whole, because you showed me a love I never thought possible. You gave me love, and that...I will be forever grateful for.”
“Oh Jase,” I sob, clutching him. “I’ll always love you.”
“I know baby.”
We lay together, silent for long moments.
“Nev?”
“Hmmm?”
“You didn’t tell me what happened to the baby?”
I flinch and Jase strokes my hair. I close my eyes, trying to force myself away from that painful memory. I can’t forget it, no matter how much I try.
“She’s sick Nevaeh, even after the operation she’s sick. We’re doing everything we can, but she’s not fighting it. You need to prepare yourself to say goodbye.”
I nod, knowing this was coming for such a long while. I stare down at my daughter, she’s not as pink and puffy as a normal newborn, her skin is not as filled out, her eyes not as bright. She was born too early, she had a hole in her heart, and now she’s sick and she doesn’t want to fight it. I reach into the humidicrib and let her wrap her tiny fingers around one of mine. She’s two months old now, but technically she’s only just made it to full term, when she was supposed to be born.
“You know mummy loves you, Amy girl. I’ll always love you. Won’t you try and fight? You’re all I have, sweetheart.”
Her chest is rising and falling deeply, her dark hair is covered in a cotton knitted beanie. Her little pink lips are open and a tube is down her throat. I feel tears swell in my eyes as I stare down at my daughter. Whiskey doesn’t even know about her. He doesn’t know because he never came back and now she might die without him ever having experienced her. I stroke my thumb over the back of her hand, feeling the soft skin.
“Don’t you give up on me, Amy. Please.”
“I had her just before thirty weeks,” I say to Jase, snapping myself out of the memory. “She was sick.”
“Oh god…no…Nev.”
“She had a couple of operations, she lived two whole months Jase but…she just couldn’t fight it. She passed away.”
Jase makes a strangled sound and I turn to face him.
“I thought…I thought you might have lost her before she was born. I didn’t realize…oh Nev…”
I swallow, clutching his hand and letting my tears fall. “She was so beautiful Jase, so perfect.”
“I don’t…I don’t know what to say, I’m so sorry.”
“She looked just like him,” I whisper, staring into Jase’s eyes.
“He has no idea, does he? Not even a clue?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“It would kill him Nev, it would.”
“I know that.”
“I’m so sorry we weren’t there for you.”
I snuggle into him and breathe in his scent. “You’re here now, that’s all that matters to me Jase. It’s all that’s ever mattered.”
Chapter 5
“Shhhh,” I giggle. “Mum will hear us.”
“She’s out of town!” Whiskey chuckles.
“Oh yeah,” I giggle again.
I wiggle the front door keys as my drunken mind tries to find the one that unlocks the door. Whiskey grips the keys with a snort and unlocks the door, and we both stumble inside. We’re both drunk, after celebrating my eighteenth birthday at a friend’s house, we stumbled home. I fumble for the light and flick it on. I spin around and grin at Whiskey.
“Let’s play a game!”
“Oh?” Whiskey grins, leaning against the door frame.
“Let’s play strip poker.”
Whiskey gives me that heart stopping half smile. Usually Jase would be with us, but he gave someone a ride home so we told him to meet us back here when he was done. Now to waste some time.
“I hope you’re wearing pretty panties,” Whiskey drawls. “Because they’re coming off!”
I huff and wave my arm. “I hope you’re wearing pretty panties too, Whiskey boy.”
“I’m not wearing any.”
I flush and giggle, turning to dig through the kitchen drawers to find the deck of cards. Whiskey gathers a few beers from the fridge and we both sit at the dining table. I pick up my beer bottle and swallow the cool, crisp liquid down as Whiskey deals.
“Let’s get this party started!” he grins.
Four beers, and four items of clothing later, and I’m sitting in my bra and panties, freezing my ass off and scoffing at Whiskey who is fully clothed and roaring with laughter. With a huff, I stand and stumble. Whiskey stands with a laugh and walks around the table to wrap me in his arms. My cheek presses against his shirt and just like that, something changes between us. Something sparks to life, something…comes alive.
“You’re freezing.”
“I’m fine,” I whisper, breathing him in. His lips move over my hair and I can’t pull away. I shouldn’t be doing this, but I can’t pull away.
And that’s when everything changes. Too much alcohol and far too much teenage sexual tension leads us to my bedroom. It leads to my lips sliding across Whiskey’s neck while he backs me into the room. It leads to my body being flattened against the bed and his hard body landing next to mine. It leads to the scorching kisses as he makes my body come alive. It leads to me being completely naked and him lying beside me, kissing me, stroking me, touching me.
“Baby,” Whiskey murmurs into my ear. “You want this?”
“Yes!” I whisper, arching up.
My mind is foggy and I’m thinking with my emotions instead of my head. If I was thinking with my head this wouldn’t be happening. I wouldn’t be about to lose my virginity to a man who I know very well is in love with me. A man whose brother is also very much in love with me. It would break him. I know this and yet…when his lips slide over mine and our tongues tangle, I can’t stop it. I don’t want to stop it. I want all of Whiskey, I want everything he can give me.
Whiskey moves over me, pressing his lips to my neck and murmuring. “I’m gonna make you scream, baby.”
He slides his lips down my neck and over my shoulders. When he finds my breasts, I arch in pleasure. His soft tongue swirls around the hard nubs that are my nipples. He nips on them, causing me to cry out his name. His fingers find my damp sex and he strokes up and down, twirling over my clit until I’m bucking and begging for more. I always knew Whiskey could make me feel this way, I always knew it. He pinches my clit and kisses me so deeply I can hardly breathe let alone think.
“I always knew you would have the sweetest pussy, god Heaven, I want to fuck you.”
“Yes,” I
whimper. “Fuck me, Whiskey, please.”
He grips my hip and shifts his body over mine, I can feel his hard penis pressing between my legs, when did he take his pants off? He grips me, hurling me up and sitting back against the headboard. He wraps me around him, and brings his lips down over mine. His hands find my backside and he lifts me, then slowly lowers me over him. My cries of pain fill the room. He’s big down there, large and long. The feeling of burning that rips through my body is unpleasant.
“Whiskey,” I whimper. “It hurts.”
“I know sugar,” he soothes. “I know. It’ll get better.”
“Hurts,” I whimper again.
He lowers me more and I bite down onto his shoulder, whimpering as he fills me slowly.
“Look at me sugar, look at me.”
He lifts my chin and forces my eyes onto his. In the dark, they look black. He strokes my hair from my cheek and moves me, filling me completely. In that moment, he’s all I can see. His eyes are on mine, his body is in mine, his hands are stroking my back, mine are tangling in his hair. He lifts me slightly and brings me back down over his cock and my whimper turns into a moan. Our eyes never leave each other and the flickering light from the fireplace in my room is the only light that allows us to see one another.
“Oh fuck, Jesus…” Whiskey rasps as he gently lays me down onto the bed, letting his body fall over mine.
He lifts my hips and gently drives his thrusts, in and out, slow and steady. I cry out as pleasure shoots through my body, taking over the pain. I shudder so violently I break my fingernails as I clutch the sheets. Whiskey makes a rumbling noise in his chest and hisses a curse. Our bodies move together, his lips find mine and I feel an extremely pleasurable burst of warmth rush over my body, followed by intense pleasure so mind blowing, I can only scream his name is it takes over me. Whiskey cries out, and I can feel him pulsing deep and hard inside me as he finds his release too.
“Heaven,” Whiskey murmurs, rolling off me and pulling me into his arms. “You just made me complete.”
Three Hearts One Soul (The Soul Series #1) Page 5
