Two weeks on and that feeling hasn’t changed. I get out of bed each day, I feed myself, then I curl back up and stay that way. I just can’t function, the pain in my chest just won’t ease. Whiskey went back to wherever he came from, promising to come back and see me in a few weeks. He hasn’t come back yet. I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t come back to this pain either. He’s tried to call. I haven’t answered. What’s the point? Whiskey isn’t going to stay with me, he isn’t going to give up whatever life he’s created to be with me just because we had one night of passion.
Day fifteen and I’m in the kitchen, forcing the coffee maker to make me yet another coffee to keep the haze away. It’s this day that will change my life as I know it. When I hear the doorbell ring, I assume it’s my dad, or Tanya, or even Katie or John who have been over grieving with me. When I answer it, dressed in cotton pyjama pants and a tank, with hair that hasn’t been brushed for days, I see a delivery boy. He smiles and hands me an envelope. I stare down at it, and when I recognize the writing, my chest heaves.
“Good day miss,” the delivery boy says, then walks off.
I stare at the envelope, my fingers numb, my heart pounding. Maybe it’s just similar writing, but to me it sure looks like Jase’s writing. Stumbling back into my unit, I fall onto the couch and tear the paper open, revealing a neatly folded letter. Swallowing and feeling my chest clenching, I slowly unfold it. When I see the neat scroll, I gasp and make a pained, strangled sound. It’s from Jase. I don’t know how he did it, but he did. He managed to have a letter sent after he died. With blurring eyes, I read the words.
Dear Nevaeh,
If you’re reading this, then I’m gone. I conned Doctor Wilson into keeping these letters until two weeks after I died, then I made him promise to send them to you. I know it’s been two weeks and I know how you’re feeling right now. I bet you’re dressed in pyjama pants and you haven’t brushed your hair for a week. Nev, baby, that’s not what I want from you. I’m gone now, and I’m no longer in pain. I don’t want you to let yourself crumble because of me. I want you to move on, to love, to find friendship and make yourself a beautiful life. I want you to keep me in your heart always, and tell stories of me to your children one day, but until that time, Nev, I want you to survive.
Whiskey is how you’ll survive. I know he’s different now, but Nev, he’s in trouble. Something happened to him and I think he needs you. I could see how you two looked at each other, I could see it and most of all, I could feel it. Don’t let him slip away again Nev. In fact, I bet you already have. I know I will make you promise to stick together, but I also know you two are both too stubborn and he would have left. He loves you Nev, I know he does, so I did what I had to do to make sure he comes back to you. I hope you’ll forgive me, because I can see something you can’t and that’s a bind that can never be broken, I’m just giving it a push.
Smile Nevaeh, don’t let my death take away your beautiful smile. I don’t want that. I want to look down and see you happy. It’s time to start piecing together your life again. You’ve grieved, now it’s time to start again. I suspect that in exactly two hours, Whiskey will be on your door step. Go easy on him Nev, because what I told him has hurt him. Forgive me for it.
I love you always, you were my first and last love, and I went to a better place knowing that.
You need to find your better place now, my angel.
In your heart always,
Jase x
I’m heaving by the time I finish reading his letter. Warm tears trickle down my cheeks as I gently fold it and press it to my chest. I should have known Jase would find a way to push us all forward. I have no doubt everyone he loved got a letter. When I think of his words, and how he asked for forgiveness, I wonder what he told Whiskey. I also wonder what he could have possibly said that would make Whiskey show up on my door step. Pushing to my feet, I do something I haven’t done for two days…I shower.
I wash my hair. I shave my legs. I clean and primp myself until I’m feeling slightly human again. I dress in some light cotton shorts and another tank, then I make my way back out to finish preparing my coffee. That’s when I hear the pounding on the door. Feeling my heart thudding, I slowly make my way towards it. It couldn’t be…could it? Whiskey? No, surely not. When I reach the large door, I put my hand over the round handle and twist, opening it. And there he is, panting with rage and staring at me with wild brown eyes.
He thrusts his letter in my face and rasps, “Is this true?”
I swallow and when I speak my voice comes out croaky, something to do with not speaking a lot for a few days. “What?”
He shoves through the door and opens his letter, and begins reading it aloud.
“Nevaeh won’t tell you this, because she’s too hurt, but she had your child Whiskey and that child died.”
My chest sizes and I reach out to grip the side of the kitchen bench. So that’s what Jase wanted him to forgive him for. I stare at Whiskey, he’s staring at me and he’s panting so heavily it frightens me.
“Is it true?” he barks.
“Yes,” I whisper.
His head drops and he clutches his chest, heaving. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he roars, snapping his head back up.
“I couldn’t!” I cry, letting my voice come back in full force. “I couldn’t because I couldn’t find you!”
“I was back for a few weeks, and you didn’t think to bring it up then?”
“Jase was dying Whiskey, it wasn’t the time.”
“That was my fucking child!”
“I know,” I sob. “Believe me. I know. I carried her around, I gave birth to her, I watched her struggle for two months and I watched her die.”
His eyes widen and he shakes his head, as if dazed. “You…she…lived?”
“Yes, she lived. She lived for two whole months.”
Whiskey clutches his chest and drops to his knees. Jase was right, this is devastating him. I always thought it wouldn’t, but it is. I do the only thing I can think will help him, I decide to let him feel the connection I felt with Amy before she died. I walk over and crouch in front of him, I take his trembling hand and tug gently, standing him up.
“Come with me.”
He stands, following me slowly as I walk towards my room. When we get in, I point to the bed and he sits, then I walk over to the DVD player and the TV and turn it on. I rummage through some precious things of Amy’s and find the DVD I had made. I slip it out and walk over, sliding it into the player. Then I walk over to Whiskey and sit beside him. He stares over at the TV, as if waiting for it to give him an answer. Well, it’s about to. I press play and the first thing I see flick on the screen, is my daughters face.
Whiskey makes a strangled sound and his fingers dig into his knees as he watches. I stare at the face that haunts my dreams so many nights. That beautiful, angelic face. Dark mops of hair, rosy cheeks, perfect little nose and lips. She looked like Whiskey even at that age. The DVD goes through the motions, there are clips of her in the humidicrib, attached to many tubes and wires. There are clips of me holding her, singing to her. There are clips of her wrapping her fingers around mine. When the DVD ends, Whiskey is heaving.
“Whiskey, it’s ok…” I whisper, taking his hand.
His fingers are white, he’s held onto his knees so hard they have lost circulation. His body trembles and he struggles to breathe, he’s hurting, I know exactly how much. I lived with it for five years, I know the exact pain he’s feeling right now and I know that he has to process it on his own, that no amount of words from me will take away that agony.
“Why?” he rasps. “Why did she die?”
“I had her just before thirty weeks, she was sick Whiskey. She had a hole in her heart and she was struggling to breathe. They operated, but she was just too small, too weak. She survived for two months because of around the clock care but she got a bug about a week before she died and she just couldn’t fight it, her body was too weak, she just wasn’t getting be
tter.”
“H-h-her name?”
“Amy Jade Levanox.”
He hisses in pain again and clutches his heart. “If had known, I wouldn’t have left you alone. God, I wouldn’t have let you do that alone.”
“We can’t change the past, Whiskey.”
“That was my daughter,” he cries, gripping his head.
“I know.”
I take his hand and hold it, just letting him feel the grief for a moment. He needs to feel that, he needs to accept it. I stroke my fingers over his palm and just sit silently with him. After a moment, he turns to me and his eyes meet mine.
“I’m sorry I left you, not just back then but after Jase died. I made him a promise and I didn’t keep it.”
“I understand,” I say, searching his gaze.
“It wasn’t fair. Heaven, I didn’t want to go. I don’t want to go now but I can’t stay. I can’t involve you in my world. I made a promise to Jase but what he didn’t understand was that I’m not leaving you to be an asshole, I’m leaving you to protect you.”
“From what?” I whisper.
“From me. From my life. From all the things you don’t deserve in your life.”
“Whiskey, I don’t want you to leave me again,” I say in a pathetic, childlike voice.
“I have to, at least for now. I can’t stay here and put you at risk.”
“Tell me what’s wrong? Tell me what you’ve gotten yourself tangled up in.”
He shakes his head. “That will only put you in more danger. I can’t, you have to trust me.”
“I can’t lose you again,” I say, and a silent tear streams down my cheek. Whiskey reaches up and strokes it away.
“I’m sorry, I have to do this.”
“Please, Whiskey, I’m begging you. Don’t leave me again.”
He reaches forward, cupping my chin in his hand and bringing my face closer to his.
“I have to. There are things you can’t know about me Heaven, there are things you don’t want to know about me. It’s better this way, I know you can’t see it now but…”
I lean forward and I press my lips to his, cutting him off. With a deep sigh, he untangles his hand from mine and brings it up to tangle in my hair. I move my lips over his, seeking desperate comfort, seeking him. I’ve always known he wouldn’t stay, I just didn’t want to accept it. I also know whatever Whiskey is caught up in, is controlling his life. I know my heart and my heart is screaming at me that he wants to stay, I can feel it in his kiss, I can feel it in his touch. Jase is right, Whiskey does love me and I love him. I also know I have to let him go, for now.
“Make love to me Whiskey, please. Just once more.”
Whiskey pulls back to look at me and he strokes a thumb over my bottom lip.
“I’m a bad man Heaven, you have no idea the shit I’m in.”
“Then tell me,” I plead, letting my eyes search his face. I slide them over his chiselled jaw, his full lips, his perfect nose and his big, brown eyes. His messy hair falls over his forehead. Whiskey is perfect and I’m going to lose him again, I wish he would reach out to me.
“I can’t,” he rasps. “That’s the problem. It’s not because I don’t want to, it’s because I can’t.”
“The nightmares are part of this, aren’t they?”
“Yes.”
I lean forward and brush my lips across his. “Make love to me.”
With a groan, he tilts his head, his warm hair slides over my cheek as he drags his lips down my neck. I shiver and grip his shirt, needing his comfort now more than ever. He slides his hand up the inside of my thigh and under my loose cotton shorts until he finds my panties. I know they’re drenched and I know it’s wrong to want this so badly when Jase is gone and he just found out about his daughter, but this is our way of dealing, and it’s our right to deal how we need to.
“I want to lick you here,” he whispers, sliding his finger over the damp material.
“Yes,” I breathe.
He slides his free hand up and over my breast. “And here.”
“God, yes…”
“And I want you to lick me, here,” he whispers, pressing one of my hands to his erect cock that’s straining against his jeans.
“I want to lick you there, I’ve always wanted you, Whiskey.”
He grips my hips and with one swift movement, he has me laying on the bed with his body crushed over mine. I groan when he slips his hands up underneath my tank top and gently slides his fingers over my bare breasts. He takes one nipple into his hands and he rolls it between his thumb and forefinger, causing electric bolts to jerk through my body. I groan and grip his forearms, stroking my fingers over the tattoos that cover his skin. There’s something so dammed sexy about Whiskey, something that gets my blood racing each time.
He lifts my tank top off and then makes light work of my shorts and panties until I’m sitting in nothing and he’s still fully clothed. He kisses my breasts, sucking my nipples into his mouth and swirling his tongue around the tips. My back bows as I arch up towards him, wanting to feel every part of him. He moves down to my stomach, kissing little circles around my belly button until he meets my pelvis. He stops for a moment, and I wonder why, I realize it’s because of my caesarean scar when he slides his finger across it. He leans down and grazes his tongue over the fading scar, and then he moves lower, gripping my hips and titling my pelvis up to meet his thrusting tongue.
With the first lick over my clit, I come alive. I’ve never had this before. I’ve never had a man’s tongue between my legs. The sensation of his soft tongue sliding over my clit and then having it sucked into his mouth it too much for me. I whimper and tug at his hair, feeling my body building quickly. I can hear my own ragged screams as Whiskey slides a finger inside me and continues teasing and taunting me with his tongue. He sucks and licks until I’m screaming my release and shuddering violently. Whiskey rides out each shudder, sucking my clit until there’s nothing left. Then he gets me off again.
By the time he slides his body up flush against mine, I’m panting and weak. He slides a piece of hair from my eyes and looks down at me. God he looks beautiful looming over me like this. I grip his shirt and pull it, he lets me drag it over his head. When his chest is bare, I run my fingers down the hard muscle there until I reach his jeans. I unbuckle them and yank them down, wanting to return the favour. Whiskey sits back, pulling me with him. He rests his back against the headboard and watches me as I drag his jeans down his perfectly muscled legs and then toss them on the floor. When his cock comes into view, I lick my lips.
I slide slowly up his legs until I reach it, then I wrap my hand around it and give it a gentle squeeze. Whiskey growls and tangles his fingers into my hair. “Suck me baby, you have no fuckin’ idea how much I need you to suck me.”
And I want to. Oh, I want to. I lean down and swirl my tongue around the throbbing head, letting a bead of pre cum coat my tongue. Whiskey groans and gently pushes my head. I take him into my mouth, feeling his piercings against my tongue. I suck and lick, bobbing my head up and down the massive length of him. I relish in the sounds of pleasure coming from his throat, I love knowing it’s me that makes him cry out like that. When he grips my head and pulls me off, I know he’s getting close.
“I want to fuck you.”
He grips my hips and flips me, dropping his body over mine as soon as I land on my back. He takes my ankles and puts them up over his shoulders, then he’s inside me, deep, hard and full. I don’t even think about the fact that we’re not using a condom, I know I should care, but I don’t. I’m protected and I am very sure Whiskey is clean, he’s never been careless about that sort of thing. Having my legs up on his shoulders puts my pelvis at a different angle, I can feel him deep inside me, rubbing over that tight bundle of nerves that has my body sparking to life.
“So fuckin’ good,” he groans.
“Whiskey…harder.”
His eyes fall on mine and they’re burning with intensity. He thrusts hi
s hips harder, I can feel his balls slapping against my ass as he speeds up the pace, but it’s just what I need. I said I wanted him to make love to me, but really, this is exactly what I need. Hard, raw, primal fucking. Whiskey takes hold of my thighs, using them to drive his thrusts. I explode, screaming his name and writhing as an orgasm so powerful tears through my body. A moment later, Whiskey is jerking his hips out and letting my legs drop from his shoulders. I lift my head just in time to see him coming hard and hot all over my belly. I watch the thick white strands spurt from his cock as he gently strokes it, his eyes are closed, his head is back and the sight is utterly erotic.
When he finally opens his eyes, a small, sexy smile creeps across his face. “I messed you up.”
“Don’t pretend that doesn’t excite you,” I murmur, licking my dry lips.
“It does, hang on, I’ll clean you up.”
“Whisk?”
He turns and looks at me just before he gets to the bathroom. “Yeah?”
“Why’d you pull out?”
His eyes scan my face, then he says. “I didn’t know if you were protected.”
“I am.”
He nods, holding my gaze for a moment before turning and walking into the bathroom. I take that moment to watch his perfect ass disappear. Damn, the man is seriously fine. I let my head fall back into the pillow and a moment later Whiskey comes out with a warm wash cloth. He wipes his release off my belly and then tosses the wash cloth into my washing basket before climbing back into bed and pulling me into his arms. I rest my head on his chest and he strokes my hair. I take a moment to just breathe him in. Needing this.
“I miss him,” he murmurs.
“Me too, every second of every day.”
“Do you think this is really what he wants for us?”
Three Hearts One Soul (The Soul Series #1) Page 14
