* * *
Conall Castle
Several weeks had passed with no news from Arran. I found meself growing more certain that news would never come. I’d suspected as much when we’d said our goodbyes, but I hadn’t realized how miserable waiting for him would be.
Despite Arran’s promise that we would see each other again, I knew what kind of men the Conall lads were. I knew the kind of man their father had been. It would no set well with Arran to have a mistress, regardless of the quality of his marriage.
Quality mattered not, in this time anyway, as most marriages had little to do with the love of the people getting married. ’Twas one’s ability to dissolve oneself of a marriage that was one of the things I’d found most fascinating about me time spent in the twenty-first century. If only Arran had married Edana there.
But he had not, and such a wish could never be. So as I continued to tear the handful of herbs Mary had given me, tossing them into the stew as she stirred, I talked to ease me mind of thoughts of loneliness.
“What do ye think of Adelle and me father? Do ye think that if they spent more time together, they could get on well?” I already knew the answer, but I also knew the reaction such a question would garner from Mary, so I let it slip out innocently, trying no to grin as I waited for her overzealous response.
Instead of Mary, Adelle’s voice answered from the doorway. “Oh gosh no, sweetheart. Your dad is a nice enough fellow, but truth be told, he looks so much like my ex-husband, it’s hard for me to spend more than a few minutes in the same room with him.”
I smiled and winked back at Adelle as I nudged my head toward Mary. “Aye, I know. I only wanted to hear Mary ramble on about how ye are no deserving of me father. If I dinna know better, I would say that Mary has taken a fancy to him herself.”
Mary whacked the wooden spoon she was using to stir the stew hard against the table, “And what of it if I find him to be a fine looking man? There’s no harm in looking at him when he passes by. I dare either one of ye to spend forty-five years married to Kip and see if ye doona find other lads pleasing to the eye. Kip does the same thing, and I’ll no be one to deny him the pleasure of doing so.”
Adelle walked around the table and tugged on the sleeve of me dress as if requesting that I accompany her. “Right you are, Mary. It’s healthy to recognize beauty when you see it. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t green with envy over my daughter’s new husband. They just simply stop making men like that within the next few centuries.”
I laughed and brushed me hands against each other to rid themselves of the remaining pieces of herbs. “I’ll be back shortly, Mary, to help plate the meal for supper.”
Mary nodded and turned her attention back to the stew. “Aye, that will be fine, lass. Ye know that ye doona have to be down here cooking away with me anyway. I appreciate yer help.”
Once we were outside the basement kitchen, I noticed the folded piece of parchment Adelle concealed in her hands. Flashing it before me, she waved it in the direction of the stairs. Grabbing a lantern outside the kitchen door, we walked halfway down the flight of stairs before stopping to sit down on the steps next to one another.
“This came for you this morning. I saw the messenger riding in and went to greet him before nosier eyes saw it.”
I could no repress an eye roll as I reached in the direction of the parchment. “As if ye are no the nosiest person in all of the keep, Adelle?”
“Well, I’ll not disagree with you, but would you rather have Eoin gotten it? It’s from Arran.”
Me heart thumped painfully at the mention of his name, and I found that me hands were shaking as I snatched his letter from her hand. “I suppose ye will be waiting until I share what’s inside of it with ye?”
Adelle nodded and grinned widely. “What kind of a question is that? Of course I will be waiting.”
It took me no time to read the contents of his letter. It contained only a few lines of his jagged script. “He wants me to meet him at a cottage he says is near the castle grounds. I doona believe I’ve been there before.” I paused, unsure how to express how I truly felt over his request. “I doona know if I should go.”
Adelle sat quietly a moment as if she were thinking over the best advice to give me. “Do you want to see him, Blaire?”
The words slipped out easily without hesitation. “Aye, o’course I do. I miss him every moment that I am no with him. But he is married, and I doona wish to make him break those vows.”
Adelle reached over and squeezed my hand gently. “You are making him do nothing. Would you like to hear my opinion? I’ll only give it if you wish it.”
I nodded, enjoying the feeling of her hand around mine. I’d been small when me mother passed away, and Adelle was the closest thing I’d ever had to a mother. “Aye, I wish it greatly.”
“I don’t know how wise it would be for you to listen to an old, modern heathen like myself, so take what I have to say to you as you would a grain of salt. Relationships are far less black and white than some people wish to make them appear. There are some instances when life causes us to make decisions we wish we didn’t have to make, but those things should not be used as an excuse to deny ourselves happiness. Arran’s marriage to Edana was one of those decisions.” She hesitated, seemingly unsure of how to say what she wanted. “Do you understand what I’m saying?”
“Perhaps. Ye believe I should meet him, aye?”
She nodded slowly, squeezing me hand more tightly before standing. “If you want to, then yes. Don’t deny yourself moments of joy with the one you love. It is Arran’s decision to make, and it seems he has made his by asking you to meet him. Guilt is a useless emotion. Do as your heart wishes. You will regret it when you’re older if you do not.”
She started back up the steps, leaving me alone in the stairwell as I called up to her. “Thank ye, Adelle. I’m no sure if ye helped me at all, but I appreciate yer words nonetheless.”
Adelle stopped at the top step and laughed loudly. “I didn’t imagine that I would help much. I’m not very good at advice. Ask Bri. She’ll vouch to the truth in that. She was always more of a mother to me than I was to her. My point is, I regret the things that I didn’t do more than the things I did. And believe me, I was a wild child in my younger years. There weren’t many things that I didn’t do.”
With that, she turned and left. I continued to sit in the stairwell, allowing the candle inside the small lantern to burn away as I gripped tightly to Arran’s written words.
Adelle was right. Even if it was the last night I could ever spend with him, I would regret no seeing him more than I would regret the guilt of our time spent in each other’s arms. Besides, I’d promised him already. If he sent for me, I would come.
Chapter 27
Conall Cottage
I arrived at the cottage just before sunset knowing Arran would not arrive until after dark. The day after Arran’s note had arrived at the castle, I’d ridden in search of the small cottage, finding it only a short distance in the direction of me father’s castle. I couldna believe that I’d never seen it before during me many trips to Conall Castle as a small child, but Arran had chosen well. It was beautiful and secluded among the lush, steep hillsides.
I secured me horse and unloaded the basket of Mary’s cooking that I’d stolen from the kitchen just before leaving the castle. Making me way inside the one-roomed cottage, I started a fire and dusted out the rarely used room as best I could. I spread the food out on the small wooden table and moved to try and catch a glimpse of me reflection from a sword that hung upon the wall when I heard hoofsteps approaching outside.
However my face and hair appeared, they would have to do. Taking a deep breath for courage, I stepped outside to greet him.
He was as beautiful as I’d ever seen him, his blonde hair and deep blue eyes striking as the last rays of light cast themselves upon him as he rode in. He smiled, but it was no the unrestrained smile of excitement that I’d expected. Tension et
ched his face. As he dismounted, I could sense that something was very wrong. His desire to meet me was no for the reason I’d believed.
Suddenly embarrassed by the spread I’d laid out for us inside, I moved to block his entry into the cottage, no longer wishing for him to see what I’d brought for us. He dinna say hello as he moved toward me, but silently pulled me into his arms as I stood in the doorway of the cottage.
He held me tightly, no kissing me nor speaking as me head pressed snuggly against his chest. His hold frightened me. He clung to me as if he feared he would no ever see me again. “Arran.” His name came out rather breathlessly. He was holding me that tight. “Are ye well? Are ye ill or injured? Ye are frightening me a little.”
I turned me head to look up at him as he finally loosened his hold and moved his eyes down to me.
“Nay, lass, I am no ill or injured, and I dinna mean to frighten ye, but I am no so well either.”
“Come inside. ’Tis getting cold.” I was no longer worried about him seeing the food spread out for him. He was far too troubled to notice.
I held onto his hand as I led him inside. We both sat on the edge of the bed against the back wall of the room. I turned to him, taking both of his hands into mine, each moment of silence a warning that me heart was about to break once more. “What is it, Arran? Ye canna stay silent any longer, what has happened?”
* * *
He couldn’t begin to know how to tell her what he must. The words lodged in his throat, content to stay there forever if his conscience would allow it. Once he said the words aloud, he would be forced to watch Blaire’s heart break all over again, the same as he’d done to her the day she’d disappeared into another century.
He’d sworn that if he’d ever had her back, he would never let her go; that if it meant he would burn in hell, he would do so to be with her. But all of that was before his child, an innocent in all of his mistakes to whom he could not allow himself to be so selfish.
“May I kiss ye, lass? And then I will tell ye what I must, though I wish dearly that I dinna have to do so.”
* * *
I nodded, but as his lips touched mine, the room grew only colder. Instead of the warmth that his touch always evoked in me, an icy winter spread down me every limb, snapping every branch of hope I’d held for this evening spent with him. This was a kiss of goodbye, and me body rebelled against it. I pulled away from him, shaking me head as tears threatened. “Nay, Arran. I willna allow ye to do what ye are about to. I canna lose ye once more.”
He stood abruptly, running his hands over his face and through his hair as he often did when he was nervous. He’d done so ever since he was a child. “I’m so verra sorry, lass. Ye canna know how much it pains me.”
I stood as well, anger suddenly replacing any sadness. I’d known that he would be unable to live with the guilt, but why had he no agreed with me when I’d warned him our last time together? It was cruel of him to allow me to hope, only to destroy it once more. How many times could one man break and heal a heart?
I moved in front of him, shoving him as roughly as I could in the chest, determined to express me frustration and pain in any way other than tears. “Doona ye dare apologize to me. Why did ye ask me to come here only to tell me that ye can no longer do this? Ye had to know that I would believe ye were asking me to come and be with ye as ye promised me that we would. Ye finally tupped me, and as ye have done to countless other women, no longer have use for me, is that it?”
I dinna believe that’s what he was doing, but I hoped that the words would hurt him. Instead, they only angered him, and he reached out to grab me roughly by both arms.
“If ye believe that for one moment, ye are a mighty fool, Blaire. Perhaps I should no have asked ye to come here, but I couldna keep meself from seeing ye one last time.”
I jerked out of his grasp. “Ye are a selfish bastard, Arran. What changed since I last saw ye? Ye should have told me then, after that night, that we could no be together. I knew ye were too good of a man to allow yerself to do so while married to another.”
“Edana is with child.”
’Twas no what I’d thought he would say, and the shock of his words must have shown on me face for he quickly continued.
“I expect me face was quite similar to yers when she told me, lass. I have no touched Edana since I knew ye were back, but she says it happened shortly after our wedding.”
I could think of little to say and slowly moved to sit down on the bed once more. “So that is why then? Ye can no longer do this for the sake of the child?”
“Aye, lass. I shall be a good man for me child, even if it shall break me own heart to do so, leaving me a shell of a man. If she was no carrying my bairn, I swear to ye I would be buried inside of ye now and every moment that I could be for the rest of me life.”
He sat down next to me on the bed, crawling into the middle of it as he pulled me into his arms. Silently, I lay with me head against his chest, savoring the last moments I would hold him in me arms. I couldna fault him for this. If he did no act with honor now, he would no be the man who owned me heart.
“Can ye forgive me, lass?” He whispered the words into me hair as he gently kissed the top of me head.
“There is naught for me to forgive. Ye couldna have known I would return to ye, but I’ll no lie to ye and tell ye that me heart is no shattered, and I’m mighty jealous of yer wee wench of a wife.”
He shifted in surprise under me as he tilted me head up so that I was looking into his eyes. “Ye have nothing to be jealous of, love. ’Tis only ye that shall ever hold me heart.”
I shook me head in disagreement. “Nay, ye are wrong. I’m no jealous of Edana, only that she carries yer child. If only we’d both no been so foolish, that was a task meant for me. And I willna be the only one to hold yer heart. The child she carries will and already does so now, or ye wouldna be here doing what ye have just done.”
He couldn’t argue. He knew the truth in what I said. Instead, he simply held me close to him, rubbing me back as his lips lay on top of me hair.
Eventually, I fell asleep. When I awoke the next morning to the first rays of light shining into the crack of the doorway, he was gone.
Chapter 28
I was no surprised to find that he’d gone sometime in the night, but it made the finality of his farewell all the more painful. As far as I knew, there was no rush for me to get back to the castle, so I spent the morning inside the cottage with me arms wrapped around me knees as I curled up in the bed and wept.
I wept for Arran and his foolish choices that had gotten us to this point, I wept for meself and me ignorance, and I wept so that once I gathered the strength to leave this place of refuge, so separated from anyone else, that I would no cry for Arran Conall ever again.
Midday, I rose and tidied things before splashing me face with the cold water from the washstand, scrubbing away any remnants of tears. The iciness of the water brought forth an idea. I quickly stepped outside to see if the weather would allow it. Summer was upon Scotland, and the weather, usually damp and cold, was now pleasant and tolerable. I twisted in me dress, missing the freedom the clothes in the twenty-first century had given me. Unfortunately, ’twas still many years before women would wear trousers.
I walked in a circle around the cottage to ensure me solitude as I set me mind to going to the sea. A place along the beach, on the way back to Conall Castle, was just as secluded as the cottage. It had been years since I’d swum in the ocean, no that I had done it verra many times anyway. The seawater was much too cold. But today, it seemed a good idea, the appropriate medicine for me tender heart.
The water would hurt at first, its icy touch like a thousand pinpricks on me porcelain skin, but the pain would quickly fade and a numbness would replace it, a numbness that I hoped would work its way into me heart.
Ensuring that everything inside the cottage was just as it had been before me arrival, I mounted me horse and set out for the sea.
&nb
sp; * * *
As I’d expected, no one else enjoyed the shore. Although the waves were larger than I’d hoped, I was no going to let it keep me from a swim. I stripped bare, leaving me dress and underclothes upon a mossy rock as I descended into the shallowest part of the water.
Two grassy hillsides on either side separated an inlet of ocean from the vast openness of the rest of the sea. A secluded strip of water, perfect for me wintry dip.
The first touch of water on me toes was so shocking I was afraid I’d pull me foot away to find that me toes had fallen off, frozen by the water’s tight grip on winter. The air outside might have begun to warm, but the ocean had yet to catch up to the changing of the seasons.
Intent on no changing me mind, I decided ’twas best to plunge right in, and I dove headfirst into the sea.
I’d expected the ocean depth to deepen quickly, but instead, me head cracked hard upon a rock on the sea floor. As I pushed meself up to break the surface of the water, I reached up to touch me head and gasped as me hand came away covered in blood.
I could taste it dripping into me mouth. As I struggled to catch me breath from the coldness of the water, I could tell I was bleeding heavily. Before I could drag meself out of the water, the sky above me began to swirl, and darkness closed in around me.
* * *
The jostling of the horse caused me to open me eyes, but the effort that it took to do so sent such a pain travelling down me head and through me back, that I shut them quickly once more.
Morna's Legacy: Box Set #1 Page 34
