He needed her too much, his desire too strong. If he let himself enter her, he would lose himself in it, in the sensation of being inside a woman. All else would fade away, and the act would become more about forgetting his shame for the resentment he allowed himself to hold onto, than the love he knew he felt for her.
If it had been another woman he found in his bed, he would use her in the way he needed. No matter the pain it caused him, he could not bring himself to do so to Mitsy. She could pull him from darkness, and she deserved more than to be the vessel with which he emptied his frustrations.
She deserved his love and honesty. His love, she had, although he could not bring himself to tell her just yet. She warmed his cold heart the first moment he saw her, and she captured it completely the first time she fell asleep against his chest the night he saw her running into the woods.
He suspected she felt much the same way, but it wouldn’t be fair of him to allow her to love him when he’d been dishonest with her. He could not sleep with her and claim more of her heart before she knew the truth about his wife’s tragic demise. For if it caused her to feel differently, she deserved the chance to get away before he lay claim to the most precious part of a woman.
“What are you doing?”
She crawled toward him, wrapping her arms around his neck, keeping her knees on the bed, her breasts pressed flush against him. Enough temptation to pull him from his thoughts.
He kissed her gently, and she tensed in his arms. She was no fool, and he knew she sensed the change in him before he uttered a word.
“Nope. You’re not doing this again. I’m not letting you beat yourself up over something like sex. You’re allowed to have it. People have it all the time, and me and you,” she paused and pointed her finger to each of them. “are having it tonight. So get that terrible look off your face and strap in because this is totally about to go down.”
He wrapped his arms around her and laughed into her hair. She said the strangest things, and he loved all of them. Lifting her hair, he gently kissed her neck as he reached for a covering to drape over her. She frowned at him, clearly annoyed as he did so.
“I’m sorry, lass, but I canna do so tonight.”
Her face changed and he watched as she pulled the blanket more tightly around her, realizing she didn’t understand him.
“Why?”
She thought that he didn’t want her.
He pulled her into his arms and kissed her until she melted against him once more. Crawling onto the bed with her, he motioned for her to follow him. Once they lay next to one another, he reached up to cradle her face in his hands. “There is no anything that I want more than to live inside ye this night.”
“Then, do it.”
He smiled but shook his head as he continued. “I canna, lass. Ye deserve more than what I can give ye this moment. ’Tis been far too long since I have been with a woman. If I lay with ye now, ’twould be more about satisfying that need than what it should. I care about ye too much to do that.”
She rolled her eyes at him and he snuggled closer. “There is also something that I must tell ye. For once ye know it, ye may feel differently than ye do now. I willna lay claim of ye until ye know what it is.”
“Fine. What is it?”
She spoke short, and he couldn’t deny that it pleased him to know how disappointed she seemed not to have him.
“’Tis about me wife that died. Osla dinna pass the way I said.”
Her face softened as she reached out to grab his hand. He couldn’t help but feel that perhaps she suspected his lie.
“We were happy for a while. I was at least. I loved her verra much, but something wasna right inside her after we married. She dinna smile or talk often. She wouldna hardly leave the bed and spoke often of her hatred for living.”
He paused to gauge her reaction, but she gave nothing of her thoughts away. Her gaze remained sure and steady, and he did his best to continue.
“I went away for a short time and left Eoghanan to watch over her. She was in the darkest place I’d ever seen her. I worried every moment while away. I returned to find her dead. She’d hung herself out one of the windows. I blamed Eoghanan for too long, but he isna the one who deserves the blame for what happened to her.”
Baodan swallowed the lump that built in his throat at the mention of Osla and closed his eyes to distance himself from the moment. Mitsy’s hand moved to his face, and he opened his eyes to see her staring at him in astonishment.
“And you think the person who is to blame is really you?”
He nodded, the shame rising within him once again. “Aye, I wasna able to save her. I couldna be enough for her, and the knowledge of that drove her to end her life.”
Mitsy surprised him by leaning forward to kiss him. She held her lips there, unmoving, and he sighed as some of the tension within him fled.
“I don’t know what it is with you that makes you punish yourself so completely. You’re right to say that Eoghanan is not to blame, but neither are you.”
“How can ye say that, lass? ’Twas me job to protect her, and I failed. I dinna make her happy, and she couldna bear it.”
Mitsy shook her head at him, “It was not your job to make her happy. That is something one must do on her own, and you are not to blame for the sickness in her mind. It is horrible when someone has such sadness inside them, but you are not the cause of her pain.”
He said nothing. Perhaps she spoke true. He did nothing but treat Osla with respect and love. Why, when Mitsy suggested something to him, it made perfect sense, but he could not reach the same conclusions on his own?
“Is that why you hesitated? You were afraid that I would blame you as well and wouldn’t want you? That I’d worry that you wouldn’t be enough for me?”
He could scarcely look at her as he answered. He feared nothing more. He’d not cared for anyone in the way he cared for Mitsy. He couldn’t bear the thought of her leaving when things had only just begun between them. “Aye.”
“You are a silly fool. I’d not given it much thought until now, but seeing as you’re so harsh on yourself, I wonder if you’re so harsh on others. There’s something I haven’t told you yet, either. Perhaps when you hear it, you won’t find me so appealing.”
He looked up at her and shook his head at the ridiculousness of her suggestion. The only person he’d ever judged as harshly as himself was Eoghanan, and he would make amends for that soon. She could say nothing to make him love her less. “No, I’m afraid that ye are stuck with me affections, whether ye wish them or no. Ye are faultless in me eyes, no matter what it is that ye have to say.”
“Still, I will have it said. Then you can never use this excuse not to be with me ever again. The next time you get me all riled up like that and don’t do anything to release the pressure, I’ll give you the same treatment I gave your lousy brother. Understand?”
He laughed deeply. “Aye, I am too attached to all of me parts to allow ye to do that, lass. Get on with whatever ye must say.”
“I was married once, too.”
His eyes widened and she stared at him. He’d not considered the possibility but, now that she said it, he didn’t know why. He knew her to be younger than him but older than most of the lasses around here were when they married. Of course she would have a past from her own time. “Ach, I’m sorry, lass. How did he die?”
“He didn’t. Unfortunately, he’s alive and well, and banging some girl while living in my old house.”
Though not a word he knew, he understood what ‘banging’ meant well enough, it was what she said about him still being alive that had him nervous. “If he dinna die, does that mean that ye are still married to him?”
“No. I’ll admit that I’m no history buff, but I’m pretty certain even if it’s allowed, it’s not very common around here yet. We’re divorced, which means that we are no longer married. Thank God. I’m pretty certain he was sleeping with at least one other person the entire time we were toget
her. Scum bag.”
The idea of someone treating her so poorly angered him. How could any man wish to be with another when he had her? “I’m verra sorry, lass. If he wasna four hundred years ahead of me, I would verra much like to harm him for the pain he caused ye. But I dinna lie to ye before. It does nothing but make me admire ye all the more. Ye have been through much, and ye have no let it harden ye as I have done.”
He inhaled as she pressed herself flat against him, and he moaned as she slipped her hand in between him, latching onto his length. “What do ye think ye are doing, lass? I told ye, I willna have ye tonight. I wish to do so when I can worship ye no blind with need.”
“You’re not as hardened as you seem to think. Well, with the exception of this part. “ She ran her hand up and down him as his entire body trembled at the sensation. “You don’t have to have me tonight, but it seems you’re forgetting what I told you. I’m not going to let you go to bed in this state. It’s not healthy.”
He loved the lass, just lying next to her made him feel as if he could be the person he’d not allowed himself to be since Osla’s passing. He wished to tell her, but as she slid herself down him and wrapped her mouth around the most intimate part of him, he found himself incapable of speech.
It was not the time anyhow. If he said the words now, while she drew such indescribable pleasure from him, the words would not seem sincere, and he wished them to mean something to her for they certainly did to him.
Tomorrow, he would have to love every bit of her tenfold to make up for the pleasure she gifted him. Closing his eyes, he lost himself as Mitsy explored him in a way no lass had ever done before.
Chapter 27
“Doona ye move, lass. Stay in bed. I shall find us something to eat.”
Still very sleepy, I tried to sit up to smile at him as he started to leave. My hair must have looked a mess for he grinned as I did. I glanced up to find my hair sticking out so wildly I could see it in my peripherals. “Yeah, I know, I’m a messy sleeper, and I look ridiculous when I wake up. Always.”
“Ye look beautiful, lass. I’ll be back.”
Once he left, I stretched myself out over the bed as I smiled at the ceiling. I’d been wrong to question the sort of man he was, and it relieved me that he chose to tell me the truth without me having to guilt it out of him.
I looked over to the window and, judging by the height of the sun, guessed it to be somewhere around midday. I expected it was highly unusual for Baodan to stay in bed so long but, after what I’d done for him, he seemed one happy camper.
He spent the rest of the night holding me, whispering in between kisses how he planned to repay my kindness. I tried to talk him into just doing it then, but he was nothing if not stubborn. If he said it wasn’t going to happen that night, it wasn’t going to happen.
Reluctantly, I let my frustration go and passed the rest of the night just content to be in his arms. Our confessions changed something between us. A tangible sense of closeness not quite as strong before now bound us even more.
It seemed ridiculous to me that I would fall so quickly, but I could no longer deny that I had done just that. Baodan differed from anything I ever thought I wanted, but something about that made him seem even more right.
I’d never been around a man who spent as much time thinking as he did. He over-analyzed everything, always so worried about screwing up. It caused him constant grief, but it also made him considerate, thoughtful, and concerned. He was a true gentleman in every sense of the word—to the point of annoyance.
I could not have dreamed up someone more opposite from myself. He was quiet while I was loud, careful while I was rash, solemn while I was goofy. We seemed to view the world in very different ways, not that it should have been surprising since we came from very different worlds.
It seemed to me that I felt balanced in his presence, protected and content in a way I’d never felt with any man before. Although I knew it should’ve seemed foolish, there was such truth in the way I felt, I knew it couldn’t be. I was in love with him.
Just as the thought crossed my mind, he re-entered the room carrying bread, cheese, and what appeared to be some sort of very strong smelling ale. Not my usual breakfast to be sure, but if brought to me in bed, I wouldn’t complain.
“’Tis all I could find. It seems that Rhona disappeared along with both of me brothers, and I have told everyone else in the castle to enjoy a day in the village. We have the castle to ourselves.”
“Oooh, how nice. I do know where Rhona is though.”
He raised both eyebrows at me as he motioned for me to crawl out of the bed to eat. Why didn’t it surprise me that he would be concerned with crumbies? “Ye do, lass? How do ye know that?”
“Well, don’t get mad, but when you left me in here yesterday, I sort of snuck out after my bath. I bumped into Rhona about three steps outside of the door. She said she planned to see a family member for a few days. She seemed very worried you were going to be angry with her for what happened to me.”
“Hmm…it seems that I have many apologies to make once she and Eoghanan choose to return. I can only see one reason why she would expect that of me. She has seen me poor treatment of Eoghanan all these years.”
He looked down, and I reached out to squeeze his hand. “Hey. The past is not worth worrying over. If that’s all everybody did, nobody would ever get anything done. You’ll apologize to them later. Don’t let it ruin the day.”
He smiled and pulled me toward him to kiss me. “Ye are right, lass, as ye seem to be always. I have something planned for ye this evening.”
“Will it involve clearing this debt between us that you spoke of last night?” I smiled against his cheek, and my pulse quickened at the thought of it.
“Aye, lass. I intend to re-pay ye in such a way that it is ye who is in debt.”
* * *
Evening could not come fast enough, and I spent the day trying to push the sun out of the sky with my mind. I didn’t succeed, but eventually night did come.
I watched the anticipation build within him throughout the day, and mine would’ve done the same had I not been ready to roll since the same time yesterday evening. I could also see that he seemed nervous, and I suspected I knew why.
He felt the same way I did. I saw the love in his eyes when he watched or even laughed at me, I heard it in his voice when he spoke, and I felt it in the soft stroke of his fingers as he held me close and played with my endless strands of hair.
I suspected that he wanted to tell me tonight, but I hoped to beat him to the punch. I wasn’t entirely sure if he believed that I didn’t blame him for what happened to his wife, and I wanted him to know that it did nothing to change what I thought of him.
As soon as he led me outside the castle, I knew where we went. To the pond, his favorite place. “What are we doing? Skinny dipping?”
He looked back at me, his eyebrows pinched together as they always did when I said something he thought strange. They stayed pinched a good deal of the time.
“What is that, lass?”
“Swimming, but without any clothes on.”
“Is there another way to swim? I doona much like to get in the water with me clothes on.”
I laughed as we reached the water’s edge. “Well, in my time, most people wear tight suits when they go swimming, just to keep their private parts, ya know, private.”
“That’s what the water is for, lass. And the moon. It will keep yer parts from being seen.” He smiled as he ripped off his kilt, not even remotely shy about standing naked in front of me. He glanced up at the dark sky and then frowned. “I doona think I thought of all this, lass. I like seeing yer private parts. Perhaps, we shouldna go for a swim.”
“Nuh uh, you already planned it. We’re going for a swim.” I slipped out of my gown and jumped into the water before he could stop me. It froze me, and I breached the surface gasping and yelping as my entire body tightened up in response to the cold water.
; Baodan laughed and dove in after me. Reaching for me, he pulled me tight against him as he ran his hands up and down my arms to warm me.
“This water is fricking freezing!”
“What did ye expect, lass? ’Tis summer, but ye do know where ye are, aye? ’Tis warm where ye are from?”
We swam in circles around each other and slowly I warmed. “It can get pretty cold in the winter, but most of the time, it’s much warmer than this. The summers, oh gracious, they’re hot.”
He moved toward me and grabbed my hand, tugging me gently to an edge of the pond diagonally across from us. “Are ye any warmer?”
“Yes.”
He stopped swimming. The pond seemed to shallow in this area because he stood as he dragged me across the water, only stopping once I floated in front of him. “Float backwards, lass.”
I did and quickly bumped into a smooth ledge behind me. Placing my hands on top of it, I pushed myself up so that I sat on its edge. It set just deep enough beneath the water so that my breasts bobbed like apples on top of the surface, and its width allowed me to easily lean back into a wall of rock.
Once seated, Baodan stepped closer to me, grabbing each of my knees and spreading my legs so that he could step in between them. “I love the water, lass.”
“I know you do. Do you know what I love?”
He grabbed my hands and pulled me close to him, so close that I could feel him hard against the lowest part of my stomach. “What’s that, lass?”
“You.” I blurted it out rather unromantically, but I never did well at that stuff so I’d not really expected it to sound eloquent. I just wanted him to know so that he could love me without the doubt of whether I returned his love.
“Ach, Mitsy.” He rarely said my name, and he said nothing else as he grabbed the back of my head, leaning me backward so that he could kiss me while exploring me intimately beneath the water with his fingers.
Morna's Legacy: Box Set #1 Page 62
