by K. A. Linde
We took Julia’s SUV to Malouf’s, a local clothing store that was essentially the Nordstrom of Lubbock. It had all the fancy designers and did custom-tailored suits. Even though I shouldn’t spend money here, I loved to do it.
A sigh escaped me as we entered because I realized there was no way I could afford anything in here now. With my job gone, I would have to use my savings to cover rent and my student loans.
Normally, I was the one grabbing dresses off the racks and throwing them in my friends’ unwilling arms, but today, I trailed behind. I might be able to suffer through window shopping, but I didn’t have to enjoy it. The thought of spending money at the moment made me panic.
I knew I needed to be looking for another job. I just couldn’t get myself to do much of anything. I was mourning the career I’d always thought I would have.
“This one,” Emery said, tossing the dress to me.
I reached out and caught it before the silky material could fall to the ground. I looked at the dusty-rose satin slip dress that Emery had handed to me. It was stunning. My color and long enough for my build, too.
“Where the hell would I wear this?” I held it up for both girls to examine.
They wore matching grins.
“Oh no. Is there a bigger plot happening here?”
“Just try it on,” Emery encouraged.
“You’ll look so hot in that!” Julia said. “I’m going to go with something black, of course. But pink? Man, no one can pull off pink like you. With that long blonde hair and those bright blue eyes.”
“Whoa,” Emery said, putting her hand out. “Stop moving in on my woman.”
I couldn’t help it. I laughed. It was the first time since I’d left work that I’d done anything other than frown or cry. It felt…nice.
“Success!” Julia said.
“I knew shopping would work,” Emery agreed.
Then, they gathered me up and hurried me to the dressing room. Their arms were full of almost exclusively black apparel…and I had one dress. I wasn’t sure if they thought I’d bolt if we took too long to look or what. They seemed anxious to get me healthy. To see my smile and hope that I would turn back into the bubbly friend they were used to. I just…wasn’t sure I would be able to do that. Not yet at least.
Still, I humored them. I slid the sleek material over my head and down my narrow hips. It cut low in the front and had a relatively high slit up the right side. When I stepped out of the dressing room, I was shocked to see the transformation. The girls were right. This was my color.
“Oh my God,” Emery muttered. “It’s not even fair. Your genetics are unreal. Why were you given all the good genes? You’re as bad as Kimber.”
I laughed. Emery’s sister, Kimber, had been prom queen in high school, and they were night and day in appearance. I looked more like Kimber than Emery ever had. In fact, in high school, it had felt more like the three of us were siblings, and I wasn’t an only child.
“You have to get it,” Julia said as soon as she stepped out of the room.
“I have nowhere to wear it, and I’m sure I can’t afford it.”
“Look,” Emery said with a sigh, leaning against the three-way mirror. “We’re all really worried about you. I know how much this job meant to you.”
“I really don’t think that you do.”
“Heidi, I’ve known you my whole life. I know that you have wanted to succeed in this forever.”
I shook my head. “You don’t know everything, Em.”
“What? What don’t I know?”
“My dad,” I choked out. “My dad used my college funds.”
“He used your…” Her mouth hung open. “Oh. Oh God.”
“What?” Julia asked. “What am I missing?”
“He used my college funds on drugs and shackled me with student loan debt and then some,” I spat angrily. “So, I needed the job more than anyone even knew. And, now, I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
“Heidi, I’m sorry,” Emery said. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I was handling it,” I said with a sigh. “And now…now, I’m not.”
“Well, I think you should talk to Jensen. We talked, and I know he’s worried about you and Landon. He’s been going out and drinking every night with Austin and Patrick. We all know that’s not a smart decision.”
“I don’t want to hear it,” I said, holding up my hands.
“Well, I’m sorry. You need to. Jensen has been trying to get ahold of you. I know that he wants to apologize to you about how this was all handled and that they’re looking into the circumstances behind it.”
“Em, just stop.”
“Come on, please. Talk to him.”
“I already texted him back.”
“I know,” Emery said with a frown. “But—”
“There is no but to this conversation, Em. I know what you’re trying to do. But I do not want to talk about Jensen Wright or Landon Wright or any of the Wrights.”
“But it isn’t their fault,” Emery said.
“It isn’t? I wasn’t just fired from the company that they own and operate?”
“You were, but—”
“Are you really going to try to stand there and defend them to me?” I gasped. “You, of all people?”
I turned around and walked back into the dressing room. I didn’t want to have to deal with this shit. My body was shaking from the effort to not explode. I loved Emery to pieces, and I knew that she meant well. I hadn’t wanted to yell at her. But she had been talking nonsense to me, and she fucking knew it.
“I’m not defending how it all went down. It was shitty,” Emery said through the dressing room wall. I could hear the desperation seeping into her voice. “But I know none of them knew that it was happening. They weren’t even aware that you were fired or that you were dating Landon until after it all happened. You need to talk to someone. If not Landon, at least talk to Jensen.”
With my clothes back on, I hung the dress back on the hanger and stepped out. “No.”
“Heidi—”
“It’s over, Emery. I got fired because of Landon. No matter how you try to twist it around, that is what happened. It’s on him. Don’t you remember that Landon who shattered your heart, lied to you, and ignored you for months? This shouldn’t be that hard for you to grasp.”
“That was ten years ago, Heidi! And he’s different with you.”
I snorted. “Yeah, right.”
“Um, can I cut in?” Julia asked. “I didn’t know Landon ten years ago. I don’t really know him now. But I do know that he has been awful at work since you left. I have never seen a grown man mope like that.”
“Jesus,” I said. I leaned my head back and sighed. “I don’t know. Okay? I don’t know anything. I don’t really even want to be discussing this. I lost my job and boyfriend all in one day. I am broken and beaten and depressed. My heart is an empty wasteland where Landon Wright used to occupy. And I want things to go back to the way they were. But how can I be with someone who was so careless with the thing I held most dear? It’s not something that is going to be fixed overnight.”
“Okay,” Emery said slowly. “We didn’t mean to push. I think you should talk to Jensen when you’re ready. Even if that’s not today.”
“It’s a good idea,” Julia agreed. “Keeping this all bottled up does not help. Trust me, I know. I’ve been in therapy for years, trying to get over my crazy ex. I wish I’d had friends like you and Emery back then. Running away doesn’t always solve the problem. That’s all I’m saying.”
“Yeah, maybe. I know your situation is so crazier than this, Julia,” I said with a sigh. “I don’t know. I’ll think about it, okay?”
Emery and Julia nodded. They couldn’t ask for more than that. I wasn’t prepared to give more than that.
I held up the dress still in my hand. “What were you trying to get me to buy this for anyway?”
“Charity Benefit,” Julia said.
I g
roaned. “You thought I’d go to the Wright event after this week? Are you out of your minds?”
They glanced at each other and shrugged.
“Maybe a little,” Emery said.
“We could make it a girls’ trip,” Julia said. “Free champagne?”
“No.”
“Humph,” Emery muttered. “Just think about it.”
“No.”
“I’m buying the dress,” Julia said, ignoring my protests. “Just as a backup. In case you change your mind and go with us.”
That wasn’t happening.
But, in the end, I couldn’t change their minds. And the dress came home with me.
Still, my mind wandered back to Landon. Even though I didn’t want it, too. I wondered what he was doing. If he had been getting drunk with Austin every night, like Emery had said. If he had been moping around, like Julia had said. If he was hurting as much as I was. My heart ached with the loss of him. I’d only just gotten him…only just fallen in love…and then it had all been tragically ripped away.
I couldn’t turn back the clock.
We’d known it was wrong, but it’d felt so damn right.
Now, it was all up in flames.
Thirty-Six
Landon
Day four of no response from Heidi.
Not even a text telling me to fuck off and leave her alone.
I was going totally insane. The only thing keeping me from banging her door down was the reassurance from Emery and my family that Heidi needed time.
Time.
That sick fucker.
It was turning into my least favorite word in existence. Something I had no control over. Something that constantly hounded me. Something that was impossible to run from or escape.
An endless snake eternally eating its tail.
Laughing at me.
And how finite my life was.
I brushed aside the thoughts that continued to plague me and sent Austin’s third call to voice mail. I knew he wanted to go out and drink. We’d done it every night since Heidi was unceremoniously fired and then dumped me. It had been a welcome reprieve from the ache that was so brutal, it was a fissure in my chest. But I needed a night away from it all. To be alone and decide my next move.
Without even knowing exactly where I was going, I pulled into the cemetery parking lot and cut the engine. It was a clear night, and the moon hung heavy in the sky as I stepped out of the car, threw on a North Face jacket from the backseat, and wandered out among the gravestones.
When my mom had died, I’d only been seven, and cemeteries had creeped me out for a long time after that. But, when my dad had died, I’d just stopped coming. I’d told Heidi that I wanted to introduce her to my parents when we were official, but the truth was…I hadn’t been out here more than a handful of times since they passed. And never alone.
But I felt drawn here tonight.
No more alcohol.
No more wasted nights.
No more forgetting.
I found my parents buried next to each other in the middle of the cemetery. They had ostentatious headstones that couldn’t be missed. The word Wright was in big letters on each of them. I sank into the grass between my mom and dad and just stared, unseeing. It was enough to be out there tonight and let my parents take the brunt of my pain.
Headlights pulled me from my seat, and I hopped up to see a flashlight coming toward me. But the person never made it. They stopped a few rows short of me, and I was shocked when I realized I knew exactly who it was.
Without a second thought, I walked right over and cleared my throat. “Heidi.”
She whipped around and held the flashlight like a weapon. Her breathing was shaky, her eyes wide in terror.
“Landon?” she asked softly.
“Yeah.”
“What are you doing here?”
“Same as you.”
She shook her head and turned away from me. “You scared the shit out of me.”
“Sorry about that. I wasn’t expecting anyone else to be here.”
“Me either.”
“Heidi, I—”
“Landon, don’t,” she muttered. “Please don’t.”
“No,” I told her. “I can’t just shut down. Not around you.”
She blew out a heavy breath. “I thought you’d be at a bar with Austin.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. Emery said you’d been going out.”
“Yeah, well, it’s hard not to want to drink when your girlfriend breaks up with you.”
She grimaced. “I bet.”
“Man, I didn’t come over here to guilt-trip you. I…I wanted to see you. I’ve missed you like fucking crazy.”
“I know.”
“Emery tell you that, too?” I arched an eyebrow.
She shook her head. “No. Personal experience.”
I managed a quick smile at that. She’d missed me. Fuck, just seeing her was eating me from the inside out. I wanted her back in my arms, in my bed, in my life.
Sometimes, love cracked your heart open to show you what really mattered.
Her. Only her.
I held my hand out. “Come with me.”
“Landon…”
“Just…trust me.”
With a sigh, she placed her hand in mine and let me walk her over to my parents’ gravestones. She dropped my hand when we got there and stared down at their names on the stones.
“Your parents,” she whispered.
“Yeah. Um…I’ve never done this before,” I said, feeling totally out of my depth. “But, Mom…Dad…this is Heidi. She’s, uh…well, a friend. Actually, she broke my heart, but I love her so much that I wanted to introduce her to you anyway.”
“Landon…”
“Stop saying my name like that,” I said, turning to face her. “You sound so dejected when you say it like that. I want to remember the way you said it when you were moaning it on top of me.”
She jerked her head to the side and took a deep breath. “I should go.”
“Heidi, I understand why you blame me for this.”
“You don’t seem like you get it,” she said. Her hands were clenched at her sides.
“I do. I get it because it’s my fault.” I sighed. “Jensen is looking into who sent the videos to the company, and my guess is, it was Miranda. And, if I’m right, then you’re right. It is my fault that all of this happened. Because my bitch ex is trying to get back at me.”
“You think Miranda took those videos?”
“I think it’s a real possibility that she would want you to get fired after finding out we were together.”
“But wouldn’t she have sent them to Jensen?”
I laughed humorlessly. “No. She hates my family. All of them. She would know that Jensen would side with me and keep this quiet. And, you know, I should have seen this about her all along. You asked me once, ‘Why her?’ Why did I marry her?” I shook my head and glanced at my father’s gravestone. “I’ve been saying for a long time that it was because she wasn’t this person when we met and I thought she loved me. I don’t think I was willing to see what I’d actually done.”
“What do you mean? That you married a psycho?” She crossed her arms.
“Yes. I thought I was making the right choice. My dad wanted me to be with someone worthy of the Wright name. That’s why he didn’t want me with Emery. He didn’t think she was good enough. So, when I met Miranda out of college, she came from old money, worked as a nurse on the Tour, seemed to know the ins and outs of golf, and fit right into my life. I thought…I thought it was what my dad would have wanted. Even after I found out her parents were bankrupt and I helped them get out of debt, I was still blinded.”
“You paid off her parent’s debts?” Heidi gasped.
“Yeah. No one knows. I thought it was the right thing to do at the time. I had married their daughter after all. But, if I’d just realized then how crazy she was and how much she was using me, we wouldn’t be here
right now.”
“Maybe. Maybe not,” Heidi said.
“I don’t want to talk about Miranda or think about the person I was when I was with her. I only want to be exactly who I am when I’m with you.”
She closed her eyes and turned her head to the stars. She was shaking slightly from the chill. Lubbock was so windy all the time that it would make nights cold. I slipped off the North Face I’d put on earlier and slung it around her shoulders. She looked like she wanted to protest but was too cold to do so.
“Thanks.” Her eyes dropped to the ground and then back up to mine. “I’m sorry for yelling at you the other day.”
My jaw nearly hit the ground. “You are?”
“I was angry and frustrated and so, so pissed off. I took all of that out on you. Whether or not you think it’s your fault, you didn’t deserve how I treated you.”
“Heidi, my firecracker,” I said with a chuckle, “I could never love you less for yelling at me.”
I took a step toward her, and she took one back.
“But I can’t do this.”
“What?” I asked, my voice coming out harsher than I’d intended. “What do you mean?”
“What I’m feeling is crippling,” she told me. “Completely physically debilitating. It is turning my entire world upside down, and I’m trying to find where I still fit in. I lost my job and my identity all in one fell swoop.”
“Don’t you think that I, of all people, understand what that’s like?” I asked. “When I injured my back, golf was gone. Something I had been doing my entire life. The only job I had ever known. And not just that, but I was physically limited from that point on. I was half the man that I had been all because of one bad swing. I think I can understand what it feels like to have an identity crisis.”
“Fuck, I know. I do know that you have been here before. And I’m sorry that I yelled at you, but it doesn’t really change how I feel. It doesn’t change the fact that what happened…I associate with you and your family. So, it makes this hard.” She gestured between us.
“Being with me?”
“Being near you,” she corrected. “Seeing you and knowing that I love you and that I can’t let this go. That I can’t forgive and forget. That, right now, I hate the Wrights and everything they fucking stand for. Because I lost myself, got caught up in you, and did exactly what I’d sworn I wouldn’t do. Now, I’m fucked.”
