“What did the voice say?” asks the Swede.
“It beckoned me forward, asked me to enter the space.”
“For fick’s sake, that’s the last thing I would have done.” Hiccup starts biting the nails of his one good hand. “Fick, I hate ghosts.”
“Don’t worry, Hiccup, I’ll protect you,” FeeTwix offers.
“Yeah? Good. At least someone cares.”
“I don’t know if it was a ghost or not,” Ryuk says. “I couldn’t see it completely, but what I could see looked like a giant snake that for some reason – and this may be my imagination here – she seemed human.”
“The snake was a woman?” Hiccup nods to Zaena. “Everyone knows female snakes are especially evil. Just look at Liz over there. She’s practically half-snake!”
FeeTwix steps in front of Zaena and stops her from lodging one of her throwing knives in the goblin’s throat. “Relax, babe,” he says. “We’re all upset right now in our own ways. Hiccup,” he turns to the goblin, “keep your bullshit to a minimum. Otherwise, I’ll equip the haunted doll I have in my inventory list and let her play with you.”
The color drains from Hiccup’s face. “That doesn’t sound like a good type of play.”
“Believe me, it isn’t.”
After his guildmates have settled, Ryuk continues. “The woman used her power to pull me towards her. I fired a black marble at the doorframe just in time and the door slammed shut. That wasn’t the end of it. As soon as it shut, it was like a hurricane had spawned in the middle of the room or something. Tiles were flying and I barely, barely made it out in time.”
“And then you ran up the stairs and found us battling the final mage,” adds FeeTwix.
“That’s exactly what happened.”
Hiccup grimaces. “And then that bitch Tammy stabbed us all in the back. What, Marbles? I can’t call her a bitch now? Don’t cringe at me!”
“You most definitely can,” Zaena seethes, “and I will call her much worse when I stand over her lifeless corpse.”
“Talk about Viagra for a goblin – I love it when Thulean gals get aggressive!” The pink dollop of hair on his head ruffles. “Not the hair, Liz! Keep your goddamn ghost limbs to yourself!”
“There’s more.” Ryuk steadies his gaze on FeeTwix. “My hallucinations have also returned.”
(0)__(0)
Ryuk takes a moment to tell them about the Attla spider in his room, how his hand passed through it and how the hallucination didn’t disappear this time, as the Thulean warrior did when he had his first hallucination.
FeeTwix’s eyes go wide.
“What is it?”
“How much does Tamana know about NPCs trying to take people’s iNet feeds in the real world? What did you tell her?”
“She knew it was happening through resetters,” Ryuk says. “That’s it.”
“Listen carefully to what I’m about to ask you next: did she know about the experiments in the 2050s? Remember those? The one you told us about in which an NPC actually took a humandroid’s body. Did you tell her this?”
Ryuk shakes his head. “I don’t think so.”
“Either you did or you didn’t, Marbles, answer the man!”
“Stop yelling, Hiccup, and no, I didn’t tell her. I know I didn’t. We were so wrapped up in other things that it never came up. Tamana doesn’t know, unless you guys said something.”
He glances from Zaena to Hiccup to FeeTwix. All three shake their heads.
“Good, then she doesn’t know about that. Thankfully.”
Hiccup finds another dragon wing on the bed, jams it in his mouth, and strips it clean. As he chews he says, “So let me get this straight: there was a crazy fickin’ serpent chippie in a portal at the Shinigami’s place, Tamana betrayed us, and after she skewered your ass, you had another digital hallucination in your world. Sound about right?”
Ryuk nods.
The goblin licks his lips and waves goodbye to the rest of the guild. “This, my friends, is why I’m announcing my retirement from the Mitherfickers as of tonight – shit is about to get crazy.”
“Really?” Zaena looks at him coldly. “Coward!”
He snorts. “Take it easy, Liz, I’m just fickin’ with you. To be honest, kiddos, I’m ready to level up and get the fick to Polynya. We really need to pull some strings with the Knights of Non Compos Mentis, in my humblest of humble opinions. And by we, I mean you, Marbles. You need to get us some face time with Sophia.”
“My old guild.”
“That’s right, kid, you need to get us in touch with the leader of your old guild. I know you said that you didn’t know how to go about doing this, but that was before you took into consideration the fact that you have one of the most dastardly, crafty, bastardly, sly, and handsome mitherfickers in all of Tritania in your guild. Me. I’m referring to me. If there’s a will, there’s a way, and if there’s a fickin’ goblin, there’s usually more than one way. Plus, Twixy and I have sort of become partners in crime. Ain’t that right, Twixster?”
FeeTwix considers this for a moment. Finally, he grins. “I’d say it’s not wrong.”
“Good, in my book ‘not wrong' is technically right, a phrase which will never hold up in a court of law, but that’s beside the point. So we’ll get to the Knights. No problemo. Doneski. Good.”
Ryuk rubs his hands together. “We need to be at level 15 to travel to Polynya, the next floating continent. Zaena and FeeTwix are already able to travel. I’m currently at level 13, and Hiccup is at level 12. We need to level up.”
“I’ve got this. Jim!” Hiccup barks. “We need a case of Hopkins’ Healing Nostrums. Now!”
Not two seconds later, there’s a knock at the door.
“That was fast … ” Zaena says.
“Too fast. I’ll get it.” FeeTwix’s Glock appears in his hand and he approaches the door cautiously. He presses the safety off as he asks, “Jim?”
“Here with your healing potions,” comes the reply from the other side. “Might I ask you to lower your weapon? Thank you.”
FeeTwix clicks the safety back on and stuffs his shooting iron in the back of his pants. Once he’s good and situated, he opens the door to find Jim standing behind a dolly which holds a case of healing potions.
“The potions you requested?”
“Just add the cost to our room.”
Jim nods. “Certainly, Mr. Fajer.”
“FeeTwix, call me FeeTwix,” he says as he bends over to grab the case.
“Or Twixy!” Hiccup pipes up from his seated position on the bed.
“Right, Mr. FeeTwix or Twixy, I will add the charges to the room. If you need any further assistance, please do not hesitate to ask me.” With that, Jim turns back to his clerk’s station.
“Fick yes!” Hiccup rubs his grimy paws together. He practically knocks Ryuk to the floor as he makes his way over to the case of green, grenade-shaped bottles.
“No, no, no,” says Ryuk as he places his hand on Hiccup’s shoulder, “our health is already full.”
“Marbles, don’t you fickin’ get between me and my healing potion. It’s a goblin’s Oxycontin, got that? What part of prophylaxis do you not understand? The opioid epidemic is a fickin’ crisis and shouldn’t be joked about. Don’t be an insensitive fickhole and quit bogarting the potions! Gimme, gimme, gimme!”
“At least let me set the case down first.”
FeeTwix places them on the table and Hiccup grabs the first one, pops the top, and gets to chugging. He burps, beats his chest for a moment, and continues guzzling. “Listen, Team MFers, we can’t let the fickin’ bullshit that we dealt with today affect how we handle the fickin’ bullshit we deal with tomorrow, or tonight for that matter.”
A confused look trails across his face.
“That’s right. Okay, pep talk. So let’s get to leveling, and we’ll be on the first airship out of Aramis in the morning. And seriously, let’s open up a serious can of whoop-ass the next time we see the Shinigami, T
ammy, or Marble’s evil more powerful twin brother!”
“Aye, aye, aye!” Zaena shouts.
“Whoa, Liz, this isn’t a game of Boaster Toaster. Although a game of Boaster Toaster with healing potions would be a dream to play, a dream! This is a good ol’ fashioned rally the troops speech. Marbles, Twix, Liz – it’s time to quit fickin’ around!” The goblin tosses the depleted Hopkins’ brew to the floor, shattering it to pieces. “Jim! Clean up this mess, and while you’re at it, get us some quests!”
(0)__(x)
Jim stands at the door of their room with a broom and a dustpan attached to the bottom of a long sword. He twists his wrist, letting the light reflecting off the sword shine across the room.
“What’s with the swordpan?” Hiccup asks.
“It’s a reminder to you what will happen next time you decide to break something in your room and/or abuse the waitstaff.” With the click of a button on the handle, the sword separates from the swordpan. He clicks it back into place. “Need I persuade you anymore?”
“Fair enough,” Hiccup hooks a thumb at Ryuk, “but you’ve got the wrong guy. I didn’t break that shit; it was Marbles over here.”
Jim ignores Hiccup as a floating scroll appears in front of him and he reads it for a moment. He folds it up and it dematerializes. “Regarding your levels, I don’t have many options for you to partake in quest-wise.”
“That’s fine,” Ryuk says, “just tell us what you have.”
“Right. The first quest involves defending a shipment of Wizardous set to depart from the Goblin Riviera. The suggested average level is 13, and the bonuses associated with this quest are 1.5 times EXP and a 10,000 rupee bonus for its successful completion. The consequences are incarceration and the potential to make arch-nemeses. There is one more caveat to this quest: it can only be taken by three party members.”
“Fick yeah!” Hiccup counts on his fingers. “Twixy, Marbles, me. Sound about right? You got the night off, Zaena. Spend it in your Sotlian pocket spa or something.”
“Riptak jatla blanktakh boomboom morrha.”
“You already called me that!”
Jim clears his throat. “I’m not finished. There’s also a quest to slay a mysterious land dragon in the Klin mountain range that only comes out at night and has been terrorizing villages, most notably McLeod Ganj, which are situated in the range. The trolls in the Klin Mountains will also keep you busy. The suggested level for this one is level 15. There is no bonus for this quest, nor are there any EXP boosters, but you can bet you’ll get a good amount by defeating the land dragon. Not too many consequences for this one aside from sudden death.”
Zaena nods. “Not bad, gunsyakhai are incredibly difficult to kill.”
“And that’s what attacked Tamana in Tokyo, killed her.”
“So what?” Hiccup tells Ryuk. “Tammy is a turncoat-ass-bitch! You saw it yourself. I don’t want to hear anymore shit about what happened to her up in your world.”
Ryuk clenches his fists together.
“The final quest is in the Cape of Chukchis.” Jim smiles curtly. “It’s a night raid on the orc stronghold there sponsored by Bullbean Energy Drink. From the press release, I mean, quest release: Surge! Get the highest number of orc kills and win schweet schwag in the real world and Tritania! Odds of winning a Bullbean energy ring increase with each kill! The energy ring doubles your highest stat and gives you free entry to exclusive concerts and happenings across all three floating continents of Tritania!” Jim smooths his hand over the front of his tuxedo jacket. “I hope I read that right. There is one caveat to this quest: you’ll be competing against other guilds of varying levels. Last month’s winner was an RPC guild from Ultima Thule with a median level of 85.”
FeeTwix turns to the others. “Guys, let’s do the orc quest. We can get that energy ring and maybe Dory the Weaponsmith knows someone who can replicate it.”
Hiccup scoffs at the Swede’s suggestion. “What part of ‘going up against stronger guilds’ do you not understand, Twixy? We just had our asses handed to us not two hours ago! Let me frame it like this: an RPC guild from Ultima Thule vs. the Mitherfickers, a lowly guild consisting of a guy who shoots marbles and broods too much; Mr. ‘If You Got It Flaunt It’ over here who’d whore out his own offspring if he knew it had a 15% chance of a good ROI; a relatively handsome and intelligent goblin with a good head of pink hair who’s good with an ax and well-read; and the most lizardous of lizard queens.”
“I am not a queen,” Zaena says sharply, her orange eyes narrowing on Hiccup.
“Easy, princess, just trying to make a point.”
Zaena grits her teeth.
“Enough,” Ryuk says. “Let’s take the legendary creature quest. We’ll gain a ton of EXP.”
“No.” FeeTwix shakes his head. “I’ve got a better idea. You three take the Wizardous quest. I’ll log out and get some real world rest. I … ” He thinks for a moment. “I can’t remember the last time I logged out. I’ve got a custom Somnium Skip Box that also keeps my vitals level with IV infused nutrients. Point is – it’s been days.”
“What?” Zaena raises an eyebrow at him.
“I’ll explain later. You three take the first quest, win bigly, and I’ll see you guys in the morning.”
Ryuk looks to the other two. “Well? What do you guys think?”
Hiccup snaps his fingers. “Let’s do it. Maybe we can get a pinch of some of that Wizardous too, you know, to sell if we ever find ourselves in a bind.”
Quest: Will you journey to the Port of Corpses in the Goblin Riviera to defend a shipment of Wizardous?
Rewards: 1.5x EXP and a 10,000 rupee bonus upon successful completion.
Risks: You will be arrested and you may make an arch-nemesis.
Ryuk accepts the quest on behalf of the guild.
“One more thing, Jim,” Ryuk says, suddenly remembering something.
“Yes?”
“Have you ever seen one of these before?”
Ryuk equips the dragon egg they looted from the Bannon’s zombie-filled home in Kayi. With its dark purple color and a tendril of blue spiraling around it, the egg looks like it’d be right at home in an Easter celebration.
Jim raises his hand to his mouth. “Oh my! Wherever did you find this?”
“We, um, found it in Kayi.”
“Good,” Hiccup whispers a bit too loud. “Keep the alternative facts a-coming.”
Jim ignores the goblin as he approaches Ryuk. “Do you mind if I show it to some people I know?”
“We need to get it to a hatchery,” Zaena says.
Jim shakes his head. “Not necessarily, but I would like a second opinion on it.”
Ryuk hesitates for a moment, but something about the innocent look in Jim’s eyes inspires him to hand it over.
“Thank you. I promise I’ll have more information on the egg tomorrow.” With that, and with the egg carefully in his grasp, Jim exits the room.
“Now that that ficker’s gone, let’s get down to business!”
The spawning point takes shape in front of Ryuk. It starts as a golden seed, and as Thulean script twists around it, it morphs into a softball-sized sphere.
“Good luck,” FeeTwix tells the group. “I’ll see you guys here in the morning!” He grabs Zaena, kisses her, and logs out while he’s still in her arms.
Hiccup rolls his eyes. “For fick’s sake … ”
Chapter 3: Port of Corpses
Zaena brandishes her four swords made of depleted Pelosium before Ryuk’s avatar can finish materializing. “Weapons up.” She steps in front of him and scans the dark alleys before them.
Ryuk quickly loads his magazines with marbles, four black/molten mixes and one mag with sword marbles.
He pops a black molten magazine into the back of his gun.
“Something smells fishy!” Hiccup chortles. “Sorry, I crack myself up. That’s just the smell of the fisheries over there.” He uses his mechanical thumb to point to a series of buildi
ngs with corrugated roofs. “Whenever you smell that kind of stank, it can only mean one of two things. One, you know you’re in the Port of Corpses. Two–”
“–The Port of Corpses?” Ryuk asks. “I was meaning to ask about that earlier – I’ve never heard of it.”
“That’s because you don’t listen, Marbles, get woke. I’m pretty sure I’ve called it that before, and like most things, there’s another name for it. Ever heard of the Port of Protla?”
He nods.
“There’s revisionist history for you. History is written by the oppressors, am I right? Pretty sure I read that in a history book. Any-fickin’-hoo, the real name is in remembrance of the battle between the goblins and the Lost Boys, those little fickers. Lots of dead bodies fell down the continental shelf into the Endless Sea that day. Damn, were the fish down there happy.”
“Lost Boys?” Ryuk glances over his shoulder and catches a group of beefy orcs loading boxes onto a small airship.
Hiccup shakes his head. “I swear, for someone that used to be level 96 ninja, you don’t know fick all about Tritania. The Lost Boys live on the back of a giant turtle down there in the Endless Sea.”
“Bitakh Morla, the Island Turtle.”
“What Liz said.” Hiccup’s bushy eyebrows narrow on the path ahead. “Quit asking stupid questions, Marbles. Looks like we’ve got company!”
Ryuk keeps his marble gun at the ready as three cloaked commoners approach. The thought strikes him like a sucker punch. They too are on a quest, only on the opposite side – they’re out to stop the shipment of Wizardous.
A scalding blast from a female mage forces Ryuk into a backflip with a belly-flop ending.
-89 HP!
He rolls to his side and gets his marble gun up. The mage blocks all three shots with a shield made of radiant energy.
Her guildmates toss their cloaks back to reveal their faces.
Goblin Thief Level 5
HP: 213/213
ATK: 34
MATK: 12
DEF: 65
MDF: 37
LUCK: 5
Mind Mage Level 6
Fantasy Online Polynya Page 2
