Fantasy Online Polynya

by Harmon Cooper

  He pats his mechanical hand on Wolf’s neck. “If Conan and his mutt pass the system of tests I’ve devised, I’ve got first fickin’ dibs on the wolf. We clear?”

  Dogs, they’ll put up with anything, Ryuk thinks as they continue onward.

  The ink shadow laughs. “Damn, ya goblin–”

  “I have a name!”

  “–Makes me want to hit up Bluwid one day. Might as well pump up my collection of goblin fingernails. Used to have the biggest collection this side of Porthos.”

  Hiccup shrieks and a message appears on Ryuk’s dashboard.

  Hiccup: Ink shadows love goblin body parts. Don’t ask me fickin’ why. I’ve been telling you guys this forever. Now do you finally believe me?

  Ryuk: Yes.

  Hiccup: Marbles, you have the personality of a steamed cabbage.

  “Why do ink shadows like goblin fingernails?” FeeTwix asks. “I think they are too brittle.”

  “Hey!”

  “Damn, you ain’t never seen jewelry made from goblin nails? Shit is nice. You can also grind them up into a fine powder and snort ‘em. Talk about a boner for days.”

  “Don’t you come near my nails or my chalupa!”

  The ink shadow comes to a stop at the bottom of a long stairway. “Chill, goblin, I don’t want your nails. Believe me, I checked, yours ain’t my style. Too thick and yellow, playa. Not worth anything.”

  “That’s not what the ink shadow in Sotla said!” Hiccup examines his one good hand.

  “That’s another problem.” One of the ink shadow’s tendrils clearly forms a single digit.

  “Oh, because I don’t have two hands, I’m suddenly not good enough for you, huh?” Hiccup starts patting Wolf on the head, clearly trying to cope with the recent insult.

  “That’s ‘bout right. And your chalupa? Too small. Ain’t worth my time, fool.”

  (x)__(x)

  “Ahem, anything else we should know about the catacombs?” Ryuk asks, hoping to steer the conversation away from a debate centered upon goblin penis sizes.

  “Anything else … ” The ink shadow strokes the place where his chin should be. “Y’all fools ever heard of the Runestones of Tritinakh?”

  Ryuk shakes his head and looks to FeeTwix, who after scanning messages from his fans also doesn’t have a clue.

  “I have,” Zaena says.

  “Damn, girl, you well read. You want to explain or should I?”

  “Go ahead.”

  “Aight, so there are three Runestones of Tritinakh. One is in the east, if you follow the catacombs all the way to their natural endpoint. The other two are hidden across Polynya, one in the Sabors, from what my homie told me.”

  “And the other Runestone?” FeeTwix asks.

  “Fuck if I know. Rumor is you’ll be strong as hell if you can find all three, though.”

  A prompt appears and Ryuk quickly reads it:

  Quest: Will you find all three Runestones of Tritinakh? One is located at an eastern exitpoint to the catacombs. Another is possibly located in The Sabors. The third location is unknown.

  Possible Rewards: A great power.

  Risks: A lifetime of searching for a legend that turns out to be false.

  [Yes/No?]

  Ryuk glances from FeeTwix to Zaena, both of whom nod. He selects “yes” as he makes the instant decision to place the quest on the backburner, to be handled later.

  “All right, pimps,” the ink shadow says. “That’s the entrance to Porthos.” He nods to the top of a long stairway lit by torches. “And this is where I peace out.”

  “Thank the Empress’ bosom of ambient bear’s milk. Fick off, shadow boy.”

  “Be cool, goblin.”

  “Is it guarded at the top?” FeeTwix asks.

  “Not this one. The other entrance to Porthos, the one likely on your map, that’s the guarded one. Y’all would be walking right out of a door guarded by Thun’s knights if you followed ya map. See? Told y’all it pays to trust ink shadows.”

  “Like fick it does!”

  Wolf barks and goes in a quick circle.

  “That’s right,” FeeTwix says, “Wolf has to get back to Oric.”

  Ryuk nods. “Think he’ll be okay?”

  “Don’t worry; I’ll keep my eye on him.”

  Hiccup leads Wolf as far away from the ink shadow as he can. “You leave his chalupa alone!”

  “Please,” the ink shadow sighs, “ain’t nobody want no dog chalupa, as you call it. But if you ever see to your fingernail fungus and get your other hand back, hit me up.” With that, and punctuated by a long, sinister laugh, the ink shadow disappears completely.

  “Whew! Boy fick am I glad that bad hombre is gone.” Hiccup points his mechanical finger at the top of the flight of stairs. “Come on, Wolfy, take me to the top.”

  Wolf looks at him skeptically.

  Zaena laughs. “You sure are lazy!”

  “Lazy? It’s called smart, Liz, and once I’m at the top and you three are still walking your way up, we’ll see who’s fickin’ lazy then.”

  “You’ll still be lazy then.”

  “Wolf can’t come with us,” Ryuk reminds the goblin.

  “Damn, Marbles, you act like I’m suffering from Early Onset Goblinheimer’s or some shit. I’m aware. Once he gets me up there, he can run his happy ass back to his owner. Let’s go!”

  Wolf lugs Hiccup up to the top of the stairs, panting all the way. Once they arrive at the top, the goblin gets down and gives the big black canine a slap on the ass. “You’ve been real helpful, now git!”

  Wolf looks at him, looks down to the three others, and sits on his haunches as they make their way up.

  “Or rest. You do you, Wolfie,” Hiccup says as he pets the big canine with his mechanical hand.

  It takes the Mitherfickers another minute or so to reach the top.

  Hiccup yawns. “Glad you could join me. Whatever is behind this door,” he tosses his thumb over his shoulder, “better be worth missing a gobnap. I’m fickin’ pooped.”

  “How?” Zaena asks incredulously. “You have barely done anything for the last hour.”

  “Yeah, I barely did anything, aside from saving our asses by knifing Twixy.”

  “No time for napping, Hiccup.” FeeTwix places his hands on his sides and stretches. “We have a concert to get to. It’s starting soon, and we promised to be there!”

  “You promised for us to be there,” Ryuk reminds him.

  “A promise is a promise! It’ll only be for an hour; plenty of time to meet and greet and then get our asses to Porthos.”

  “Shit, you three go to the concert, I’ll stay here and guard the entrance. Don’t want any fickers figuring out about us.”

  Zaena shrugs. “Fine, have it your way, goblin, but I’m pretty sure a lone goblin in the catacombs will attract more ink shadows. But you seem confident with ink shadows anyway, and you’re definitely a better gambler than most of them are.”

  “Most? All, Liz, all.” Hiccup looks at Wolf. “Well, he could stay with me.”

  “No, he needs to get back to his owner, Oric.” Ryuk approaches Wolf and places his hand on his snout. Wolf’s tongue comes out of his mouth and he licks at Ryuk’s hand.

  “Hey, how come you never pet me like that?” Hiccup asks. “Fickin’ with you, Marbles, I’m not your little fickboy; I already told you that.”

  “You tell me that a lot. You say a lot of stupid shit.”

  “Well, that’s the best way to get one’s point across. Just keep saying the same stupid shit over and over until it sinks in. It works for politicians, and it’ll work for you if you ever hope to dampen your chalupa, if you get my drift.” Confusion paints across the goblin’s face. “Fick me, where was I?”

  He glances to FeeTwix for help.

  “You were, um, talking about how excited you are to come to the concert with us!” FeeTwix grins from cheek to cheek.

  “Was I?” Hiccup shrugs. “Welp, that doesn’t fickin’ sound like me, but i
f there are babes, booze, and drugs – in that order – I’m down to get down. Now git, Wolfie!”

  Wolf stands, stretches his front legs, and trots to the edge of the stairs. He looks back at the group one more time, nods his head at them, and takes off.

  “I guess that’s his way of saying goodbye,” Zaena comments. “Cute.”

  “Think again, Liz.” Hiccup’s nostrils flare. “You smell that?”

  She cringes as the foul odor reaches her nose. “Filthy goblin!”

  “Damn, Hiccup,” Ryuk coughs and tries to get as far away from the goblin as he can.

  “Ha! That wasn’t me, fickers, that was Wolf!” Hiccup takes another big whiff and coughs. “Smells like DD’s BBQ, if you ask me.” He grins at his guildmates. “And that, Mitherfickers, is what’s known as a ‘parting poot.’ Damn, he even got me with that one!”

  “All right, all right,” FeeTwix says as he waves the stench away. “Let’s get to the party!”

  Chapter 23: DJ Ride the Lightning Rides the Lightning

  FeeTwix presents them with a spawning point, and as soon as the four Mitherfickers touch it, they’re whisked away through a tunnel made of light, accented by sparks of lightning.

  This, Ryuk knows, is purely for show. They are OMIB-porting, using the backbone of the Proxima Galaxy to travel. Bells and whistles such as this are added only to add a little flare, flare that a particular goblin seems to like.

  “Fick me!” Hiccup says before he can even take in his surroundings. “That was fickin’ sweet!” The goblin takes one look at the screaming crowd beneath them. “Fick yeah!”

  The Mitherfickers stand on a platform, one of many raised platforms in a concert space that spans as far as the eye can see. To the north is an elaborate stage surrounded by large holoscreens broadcasting a mirrored, pyramid-shaped DJ booth.

  Their images quickly appear on the holoscreens and the surrounding crowd roars.

  “For us … ?” Ryuk asks, butterflies whipping around his stomach.

  “Fick no,” Hiccup says, “for Twixy!”

  “And Hiccup too!” FeeTwix points at a group below their raised platform. Above the group, the letters F - I - C - K - E - R - S sizzle and flash.

  The group cheers as soon as Hiccup spots them. He waves with his mechanical hand, and after he does so, he quickly smoothes the same hand over his pink topknot.

  “Damn! There are some real hotties down there.” Hiccup licks his fingers and smoothes out his bushy eyebrows. He grabs his junk, adjusts, sniffs under his arms, and makes a “not too bad” face.

  With a snap of his fingers, Hiccup is suddenly shirtless. He now wears a pair of what Ryuk would describe as boy shorts – which is just about the most unsettling thing he’s seen from the goblin – and for shoes, he’s gone with his normal battle boots, which are bulky and covered in nicks and scratches.

  “What?” Hiccup asks as Zaena gives him the hairy eyeball. “It’s a concert, Liz! Let your fickin’ hair down, and stop, for the love of the Empress’ perky mammaries, STOP FAT-SHAMING ME!”

  “He’s right!” FeeTwix adds, his arm around Zaena’s shoulder. “But not about the fat shaming part because you have no shame, goblin friend! He’s right about changing and getting some choon-ready clothes.”

  The Swede is suddenly in a white sleeveless overcoat with matching distressed pants rolled up at the knees, and a pair of Boba Fett DisNikes. His tactical vest disappears and his blond hair slicks back. “Got anything white, babe?”

  In the blink of an eye, Zaena goes from battle-ready to prom night in her tight, strapless one-piece white dress and a pair of bedazzled gladiator sandals.

  “Hubba, hubba, Liz! You clean up nice!” Hiccup says.

  “Thank you, goblin.”

  “I’m going to let that little racist epithet slide on account of your sudden hotness. What about you, Marbles?”

  “Um … ” Ryuk’s Dream Armor disappears and is replaced by a black t-shirt, black jeans, and a pair of black Vans with Flight Feet written in cursive along the toe caps.

  “Going for the Bramtoker look, huh?” Hiccup asks as he rubs his hands along his considerable girth.

  “No, I just like black.”

  “I think there’s a saying about liking black … never go back … can’t remember it all. Anyfick, I’m out, bitches! Time to finds some chippies and some booze.”

  The goblin sits on the platform and calls out to the people below, who respond by reaching their hands up to him.

  “Not so fast!” FeeTwix rushes over to Hiccup and slaps a small square on his pimply back.

  “What the twick, Fixy!? Shit, you know what I mean.” Hiccup tries to reach the little square affixed to his back but fails.

  “In case you’re wondering, this will make sure we can’t lose you!”

  “It’s GPS?” Ryuk asks as he walks over. Once glance down at the raging crowd and he suddenly feels nauseated.

  “You mean PPS, Proxima Positioning System, and no, it’s not that type of tracking.”

  Hiccup again tries to swipe the square off his back but his reach falls short. “You can’t just tag me like a fickin’ animal. Take it off, Twixy!”

  “Relax, Hiccup, I’m not tagging you at all, friend!”

  “Then what the fick is this shit?” Too bulky to properly twist his body, about the only thing Hiccup can manage is the slight tilt of his head.

  “There’s twenty million people down there,” FeeTwix shouts over the roar of the crowd, who come to life after another Proxima celebrity appears on a platform not far from the Mitherfickers. “I’ll never be able to find you, but you’ll be able to find us.”

  “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “Watch.” FeeTwix walks over to Zaena and shows her a bulky calculator watch now on his wrist. He presses a button, and the goblin slides across the platform against his will.

  Ryuk and Zaena crack up; Hiccup is much less amused.

  “You got me on a fickin’ leash?”

  “It’s magnetic!” FeeTwix tells the goblin as he walks back over to him. “And trust me, it won’t hurt a bit. I’ll just press the button when we’re ready to go and you’ll be dragged up here.”

  “What part of ‘I’m nobody’s fickboy’ do you not understand? You’ve got to be fickin’ kidding me with this thing. I’m not someone’s chia pet!”

  “Chia pet?” Ryuk asks.

  The Swede smiles big. “Just get down there and have fun!”

  “Fine, fine, but we’re not through discussing this.”

  Hiccup approaches the ledge of the platform and calls for people to catch him.

  The people below raise their hands and the goblin, a sour look on his face, turns his back to the crowd, scowls at the three Mitherfickers, lifts two middle fingers up in the air and stage dives backwards into the crowd.

  (0)__(0)

  Enway’s form takes shape on the platform. She’s in a black body suit and her hair has been pulled to the side, forming a short, tight ponytail. The zipper on the front of her body suit is open just enough to draw eyes.

  “Hey!” Ryuk says, swallowing hard. “Glad you could join us.”

  “Wow!” Enway walks to the platform and looks down. “The Mitherfickers really are famous!”

  “It’s just FeeTwix.”

  “With fame and fortune comes great responsibility!” FeeTwix sticks a finger in the air. “Or, um, something like that. Hey! The concert is starting soon!”

  Sure enough, smoke has begun puffing out from the corners of the stage. Lightning from the dark sky overhead strikes the base of the mirrored pyramid on stage. Fire appears at the edges of the pyramid and slowly burns its way up to the DJ booth at the top.

  “Bravo!” Zaena claps her hands and FeeTwix comes behind her and wraps his arms around her waist.

  “So, what happened in the catacombs?” Enway asks, moving closer to Ryuk.

  “A lot of battles, and eventually, an ink shadow with a strange dialect.”

 
; “Those things are icky.”

  “Yeah, just a word of advice,” Ryuk says over the roar of the crowd, “you’ve heard Hiccup go on and on about chalupas versus churros–”

  “If he has a penis, he should call it a churro,” she says firmly. “I’m not backing down on this.”

  “Right. I don’t know what he has, or at least, I’ve tried to wipe what I’ve seen of his anatomy from my mind.” Ryuk shakes his head. Nope, the image of Hiccup’s ass is still there. “Anyway, what I was getting at: do not, do not ever, get him started on ink shadows. Trust me on that. If you value your sanity, never ask him about ink shadows.”

  She laughs. “Noted.”

  A man with long hair and a line shaved down the center of his forehead flies over them. He lands on another platform, kicks off, nears another, and bounces off again.

  ~~DJ RIDE THE LIGHTNING!~~

  A booming voice says it again, and as it does so, a slow motion bolt of lightning descends from the sky. Seeing his opening, DJ Ride the Lightning takes a leap, twists, and with his arms stretched in front of him, he latches onto the bolt of lightning.

  “That’s so stupid!” Enway says as DJ Ride the Lightning whips around on the lightning bolt. He’s giving it his rodeo best, and as it nears the stage, he swan dives off it and lands at the top of the mirror pyramid just as the music starts up.

  “Woo!” Zaena calls out, her fists in the air as she rocks to the music. “So great!”

  “Aren’t you going to dance?” FeeTwix calls over to Ryuk.

  “Um … ” Ryuk starts grooving as best as his hips will allow.

  “Not bad,” Enway says as she does the same. “Oh! I forgot to tell you, I finished the ten page essay.”

  “Ten page essay?”

  “Yeah, as part of Hiccup’s extreme vetting. It’s a ten page essay on why I’d like to join the Mitherfickers and what I’d bring to the group. It’s the last part of the vetting process.”

  “I didn’t … ” Ryuk shakes his head. Damn goblin!

  “It’s fine. There was also a multiple choice test too.”

  “When did he have time to make all this stuff?”