by Judy Corry
“I don’t know where else to look.” Ashlyn hit her steering wheel. “Are there any other spots you used to go to?”
I shook my head. “We already checked them all.”
Where was he?
It would almost be a relief to find him at Kelsie’s, at least he’d still be alive.
DING! Ashlyn's phone sounded loud in the car, nearly giving me a heart attack.
Ashlyn scrambled for her phone. “It’s from Jess!” A hand flew to her chest.
“What does he say?”
The phone almost slipped from her shaking hand. “He says: ‘I’m in Ithaca. Had a bad night. Tell mom to stop freaking out.’”
Ashlyn wrapped me in her arms and we both sobbed. “He’s okay,” Ashlyn cried.
I clung to her, relief washing over me so fiercely I could barely stay upright. Jess was safe. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Once we were stable enough to drive again, Ashlyn turned her car around and headed toward town. We stopped at Emrie’s Frozen Treats for some frozen yogurt and talked about everything that had happened between me, Jess, Mrs. Brooks, and Kelsie.
“Sorry I got so mad about you and Jess earlier. I still think there’s something we don’t know about that night. Jess loves you.”
I wanted to believe her, but I knew I wasn’t ready to even think about that. I needed to get my life in order before I could consider being in a relationship with anyone.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Talking with Ashlyn helped me realize how badly I’d overreacted with Jess the night before. I should have let him talk and give me his side of the story, instead of automatically flipping out over what Kelsie posted online. It was entirely possible that Kelsie had planned the whole thing. She hated Jess and me together. Why had I fallen for her trick? Why had I believed her over the most important person in my life? I was so mad at myself for letting everything that had happened that night to influence the relationship that brought me the most happiness.
As soon as Ashlyn dropped me off I dialed Jess's number. We would figure this out. We would get past this. He had to forgive me.
But the call went to voicemail.
I called three more times before leaving a message, “Hey Jess, I know you don’t want to talk to me right now. I’m sorry for the way everything went last night. I overreacted. Please call me back so we can figure things out.”
I hung up. Hoping he would call me back soon.
But he never called.
Hours went by. Long, heart-wrenching hours and I still didn’t hear anything from him.
Had I messed everything up so badly that he refused to talk to me again?
I called Ashlyn next, desperate to fix everything. Maybe she could drive me to Ithaca and I could talk to Jess face to face. Maybe he would see how much I regretted last night.
She picked up after the third ring. “Hello?”
“Jess isn’t answering any of my calls,” I blurted out. “I’m worried if I don’t talk to him today he’ll never forgive me.”
There was a pause on the line. Then Ashlyn's voice spoke quietly, “Jess is gone. He called us to say that he’s deferring from Cornell to work at my grandparents’ resort for a while.”
“What? No! He can’t do that. He can’t leave!”
“He’s already on the plane, Eliana. It’s too late.”
I collapsed onto my bed, feeling like a weight had been dropped on my chest. Jess was gone?
I tried to draw in a deep breath but I couldn’t, it was like trying to suck air through a straw.
“Are you okay, Eliana?”
I was going to pass out. Breathe, Eliana. Just breathe.
Finally, I was able to draw in a decent breath.
“Are you okay?” Ashlyn asked again, worry evident in her tone.
I gasped. “Yeah…I’ll be okay.” I sucked air through my nose. Breathe in. Breathe out. As I did my breathing exercise, Ashlyn sighed.
“I think you broke my brother’s heart.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
I tried calling and texting Jess all the next week. I even tried emailing him, just in case he had blocked my number. After seven days of silence from him, I finally received a message.
Jess: Please stop trying to contact me.
And my heart, which had been hanging on through everything that I’d been through with my parents and life, finally broke.
He didn’t want me anymore either.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Over the next month, I was brimming with all kinds of emotions. First, it was disbelief. Then sadness. Loss. Hurt. Depression. And then I got mad. Really mad. How could he give up so fast? How could he throw fourteen years of friendship out the window because of one big fight? Did he ever care about me at all?
But then, of course, my anger faded away as the weeks passed on and all I was really left to feel was forgotten.
My first acceptance letter came in February. I was offered a partial scholarship to SUNY Cortland. Originally it had sounded like a great place—I could go to school with Ashlyn and still be close to Cornell, but somehow it wasn’t far enough away anymore. Ithaca College’s acceptance along with a full-ride scholarship came next. But that would put me even closer to Jess when he came back, so I hid the letter in the bottom of my underwear drawer. It was possible to be in the same town as someone, and never run into them…especially if you went to two different schools. But not seeing him again when it was so easy would have made me feel even worse than I already felt.
But with the scholarship, I could afford to move away from home. Getting out of Uncle Peter’s house would be worth it, right?
So I let Ithaca College know of my intention to start there next fall and hoped by the time it came around, Jess and I may have figured out how to be friends again. And if not, I hoped I’d be reconciled enough to find his replacement.
At the end of February, I finally decided to go through the pile of junk mail that had stacked up to ridiculous amounts on the kitchen counter. If I was going to move on and make my life better, I might as well quit waiting around for college and start by making this house more livable.
As I went through the pile, I was surprised to see my name on a few of the envelopes. Did companies magically know I had turned eighteen this year? I’d never received so much junk mail of my own.
I opened the first envelope with the company name, Credit City, on it. Playing with the idea of getting my first credit card, I slipped my finger under the folded top and opened it. My dad had taught me when I was younger how, when handled responsibly, credit cards could be a good way to build your credit score. Maybe it was time for me to do that.
Inside had all kinds of information on why getting a card with Credit City would be a great idea. I set it aside, deciding that with the stack I had, I might as well find the one with the best rates and rewards.
After opening a few more letters from credit card companies, I found an envelope from the Army. I tossed it in the trash. Sure it would be great to serve my country and all, but yeah, the Army was not the place for me.
The next envelope was from a company called Hayward Auto Loans. The inside of this letter was different from the rest. There was a single sheet. No return envelope. No privacy policy and other random papers companies sent to cover their butts.
I opened the letter. My hands shook when I read the first line.
Tesorina mia Eliana,
My dad was the only one I knew who would start a letter like that.
I don’t know if you have read any of my letters, since I’ve disguised them as junk mail, but I have to try again.
I’ll be brief.
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for leaving you and your mother. What I did is unforgivable. You two are the sun and the moon in my life, my everything, and I don’t deserve your forgiveness after leaving you the way I did. But I love you. I love you with all my heart and I wish for the day when I can come back. I know I messed things up even worse by leaving, but I’m
working to fix things.
It is selfish for me to think that you would want to hear from me again. I had to try one last time.
I will always love you,
Papà
Tears were streaming out my eyes so fast I could barely read the last line.
I tore through the pile of letters after that, desperate to see if he had truly sent other letters to me.
There was only one more. Had one of us accidentally thrown away the others, not knowing what was inside? I tried not to feel the loss as I ripped open the letter.
Tesorina mia Eliana,
Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday to my beautiful Baby Girl. You are 18 today! I couldn’t be more proud of the amazing person you are becoming.
I wish I could be there to celebrate with you, we would eat our delicious French toast and I would drive you to school on my way to work, talking about all the fun things we had planned for the evening.
It is my prayer that you and your mother are still able to do those things. I am a terrible father for not being there. I feel horrible about that. I should be there, and if I was a better man I would be. But I don’t want to talk about that anymore, I’m sure you already heard enough from my other letters…if you are getting any of these at all.
So for today, please let me write of happy things, for you are 18 and the world is yours! You have always been such a joy in my life, excelling at everything you set your mind to. You are kind and loving and even though I messed up on a lot of things, knowing that I helped guide you into the wonderful person that you are brings me some comfort in this mess I have created.
You are always on my mind and in my heart. Do not think I could ever forget you.
I love you with all my soul.
Papà
A loud sob burst from me with those last words. My dad hadn’t forgotten me. He still loved me. He still wanted me.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
That evening, Mom found me in a pile of papers and envelopes when she walked in after work.
“What’s going on here?” she asked, her mouth hanging open at the mess.
I held up the three letters from Hayward Auto Loans that were addressed to her.
“I think you’ll want to open these.”
She took them from my hands and inspected them. “Why would I care about getting an auto loan? You know we can’t afford to get you a car.”
“They’re not what they look like.” I bit my lip and looked at her hesitantly. “They’re letters from Dad.”
“Do you think there were more?” Mom asked after she’d finished reading her letters, her eyes wet.
I shrugged in my chair next to her at the table. “It sounded like it, but we probably threw them away.”
She nodded, staring at the three letters my dad had written her. She sniffled and wiped at her eyes with trembling fingers.
“He’s trying to figure out how to fix things,” I said, hopeful. “Maybe he’ll be back soon.”
My mom pinched her eyes closed and drew in a shaky breath before releasing it in a loud huff.
“Those are beautiful promises made by a desperate man,” she finally said. “Let’s not get our hopes up yet.”
She stood and walked up the stairs, but she took her letters with her.
My next instinct was to text Jess the good news, celebrate this happy moment after all the hard times he’d helped me through. But I remembered that we didn’t talk anymore. Didn’t even text anymore. So I did the next best thing. I texted Ashlyn.
Me: My dad wrote me!
Ashlyn: What?!?
She, of course, called me for details, asking me to read the letters word for word.
“Are you going to contact him?” she asked.
“I tried looking up the address but I’m pretty sure it’s a fake. I’m guessing he might have someone forwarding the letters to us since the postage stamp says New York.”
“Dang!” She sighed. “Do you think you could contact him through the Internet somehow? Do you think he ever checks social media?”
“My dad never liked social media. He thought it was a waste of time.”
She was quiet for a minute. “But do you think he might check yours? He had to know you moved to your uncle’s house somehow.”
She was right. Maybe he had checked up on me that way.
As soon as we hung up I posted a picture of myself holding the envelope with the caption, “Think I should get a car for college?”
Of course, I couldn’t afford a car, but if my dad was paying attention, he would know I had read his letters. He would know how I wished he was with us. And maybe he’d try harder to come back.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
The next few months passed with no further word from my dad. I tried not to be too sad about it because at least I had the letters he had sent. At least I knew he still loved me. And maybe, just maybe someday we’d be together again somehow. He said he was working on it. Something like this might take a lot more time than I thought.
And even if it took a really long time, those letters had created a miracle. Something had changed in my mom. Something had given her a reason, one she hadn’t been able to find before, to go to her AA meetings and actually try to get sober again.
So even if my dad never found a way to come back to us, and even if Jess never wanted to talk to me again, at least my mom was trying. And I would take her effort and cling to it with everything I had. I would work with what I had and be grateful for it this time.
“Are you going to work at the movie theater again this summer?” Ashlyn asked me as we walked around the mall one afternoon in June. School was almost out, and she suggested we pick out something special for graduation.
“I think so,” I answered. “You’re going to be there again, right?”
A huge smile spread across her lips as we walked into Chic Girl Boutique. “Actually, no.” She led me to the back wall of the store which was covered with necklaces and bracelets. “My grandparents called last night and asked if I wanted to come work at the resort this summer.”
“Oh.” I focused my attention on a rack of bracelets, hoping she couldn’t see the disappointment in my face. I had been looking forward to one last summer with her before we went to our separate colleges. Her to SUNY Cortland with Luke. Me to IC.
“It’s going to be awesome. I’ve been dying to visit again especially since Jess told me how wonderful it was to work there.”
“He’s enjoying himself then?” I bit my lip, holding my breath for news of my old friend. Over the past few months, Ashlyn and I had tried to stay in the safe zone of not talking about him. There were just too many feelings where Jess was involved.
She pulled a necklace from the rack and held it against her neck while she studied her reflection in the mirror. “He says it’s gorgeous there and it’s been nice for him to get away from everything here in New York.” She put the necklace back and combed through the others.
“So he’s doing better now? He’s happy?” I picked up a gold bracelet and tried it on, watching her through the corner of my eye for signs of what was really going on with her brother these days.
“I think he’s happy. He says he’s still not ready to come home yet.” She shrugged. “I don’t blame him, though. My parents were furious with him for dropping out of Cornell.”
“I thought you said he deferred.”
“It’s pretty much the same thing as ‘dropping out’ in my family.” She sighed. “I wish you guys would talk to each other. I’m so tired of this dumb fight.”
“It’s not like I’ve been ignoring his calls or anything.”
She shook her head and moved to another display in the shop. We browsed the jewelry in silence for a few minutes before she turned to me with bright eyes.
“I have the best idea!”
I looked at her hesitantly. “You do?”
“Do you still have the vouchers to Dominica?”
“They’re sitting in my underwear drawer. In fact, th
ey’ll probably live there until they finally disintegrate.” If Jess didn’t want to talk to me, he sure as heck didn’t want me showing up at his resort in paradise for my senior trip.
Ashlyn didn’t seem to notice my apprehension. She grabbed my arms excitedly. “You should come with me to the resort! I’m sure I can talk to my grandma and get you a job. Then you and Jess can figure out how to put this whole misunderstanding behind you.”
Excitement warred with uncertainty in my brain. “I don’t know. That’s kind of a lot to ask them.”
Apparently, my words fell on deaf ears because Ashlyn went on. “This is exactly what you guys need!” She smiled hugely at her genius and took my hands in hers. “I’ll call my grandma tonight and let you know when to pack your bags.”
“But…” I tried to say.
She held up a finger. “No buts. I know this will work.” She grabbed a handful of bracelets and took them to the checkout counter. “You just wait, Eliana. You’re about to have the best summer of your life!”
Chapter Thirty
A few hours after dropping me off at home, Ashlyn called to tell me that her grandparents had a job for me if I wanted it. I could start the Monday after graduation.
I knocked on my mom’s bedroom door as soon as I got off the phone with Ashlyn.
“Come in,” she called from the other side of the door. She was sitting up in bed, watching TV. My heart ached when I noticed she was wearing one of Dad’s old t-shirts. “What do you need, honey?” She hit the power button on the remote and the room was suddenly quiet.
