by Helen Fields
'I don't understand.' I held back, not knowing what he intended.
'If you want to understand who you are you need to know what makes you different from the people around you. Now do it.’ I thrust my hand over his and he held it firmly in place. 'The energy you use is drawn from your emotions and your experiences. What makes you angry?'
'I don't know, the same things that make everyone angry, mindless violence, injustice, suffering. What do you want from me?' I tried to pull my hand from between his and found that I couldn't.
'Not everyone, just you. What about the Dragon's Cave? Tell me what happened there with that ignorant prick who thinks so highly of himself.'
'Marcus? I don't want to talk about that. Please, let go of my hand.' He ignored my protests and continued.
'Why did you let him touch you like that? Why didn't you fight?'
'I didn't let him do anything. He wouldn't get off me.' My temper was starting to boil. I didn't like to be held when I'd asked to be released. 'How do you know about that? I haven't spoken about it to anyone. You have no idea what it felt like to be mauled by that bastard and I don't want to talk about it. Now let me go!' I felt pain shoot through my core as if I'd been punched and I wrenched my hand from his, falling backwards. Perun stepped over the top of me and knelt with one leg either side of me. He uncovered his upper hand and showed me the body of the mouse. It was uninjured but perfectly still, as if sleeping. I knew it was dead.
'You did that,' he said. 'Your rage. When you do good things, like helping your friend on the beach today, you feel a sense of satisfaction and calm. When your energy becomes destructive you feel the pain you felt just then. The energy comes from within you; it's drawn from your emotions. If you are tired or unbalanced you won't be able to control it. We can teach you how, show you so many more possibilities than you have here.' I looked down at the tiny creature. It hadn't occurred to me that I could do both harm and good. I reached out to touch it but Perun discarded it before I made contact.
'If I come back, can I help my mother, give her more time maybe?'
'You can help her pass on in peace, seeing for herself that her daughter is safe and well.'
'Then take me there. I don't care what the sacrifice is. There's nothing here that means enough to stop me from going. Take me with you.' Perun reached out and stroked my hair. He smiled and for the first time I saw his own agenda showing clearly in his eyes. It didn't matter. I had more to gain than to lose and if he had his own reason for helping me then so be it. I pushed my body against his, my arms round his neck. 'Take me there; I'll do whatever you want. I understand what you're asking of me. If I never come back here again, I can live with that.'
I heard the footfall only when it was immediately behind me. I span my head around without letting go of Perun. It must have looked like the middle of a passionate embrace. The man who stood in the near dark was no-one I knew. He kept his voice soft and whatever he saw or didn't see, he showed no emotion when he spoke.
'Miss MacKenzie, Miss Roman asked me to come and find you. She was concerned that you shouldn't be walking up here after dark. It's easy to get lost. I'll walk you back down to the house, ma'am.'
'I'm fine, thank you. I appreciate Miss Roman worrying about me but I have unfinished business here.' To my surprise Perun took my hands and pulled them firmly from his chest. He was staring at the man who had appeared so quietly. I couldn't understand why he didn't do or say something to help me. There was so much more to talk about. 'Perun, tell this gentlemen that everything's fine.'
Before he could respond the man sent by Sabina had taken one small but meaningful step forward. 'I think it would be best for everyone if you came back now, don't you? It wouldn't be polite to keep Miss Roman up worrying.' He gestured to the path and although he may have been speaking to me, he was looking at Perun. His head was cocked slightly, as if challenging him to disagree. The air was electric with understatement.
'Go,' said Perun. 'We still have time.'
'But I need to...'
'You need to rest,' Perun pushed me slightly towards the man who held out a steadying arm. I refused it and tried to keep my feet firm on the path in the near dark.
'When will I see you?' I called back to Perun, but his figure had already faded from sight in the dark. If the man escorting me home had any questions about where Perun had gone he kept them to himself. I remained silent on the way back down but inside I was furious. That Sabina could be so controlling as to send this man to find me was a step too far. Just because I was living on her property did not give her the right to have me guarded. I hadn't even realised she was watching where I was going. First thing in the morning I intended to pack my things and find a new place to stay. As soon as I found Perun again I didn't think I'd have much need for lodgings any more. I had limited time to find my mother before I lost her forever and I'd just lost the first precious opportunity I'd had to do so. By the time I reached my house the man started to wander off towards the staff accommodation without so much as a word.
'Just a moment,' I was too angry to bother with manners. 'If you were so eager to put an end to my evening you can go over to Miss Roman's house now and tell her that I'm fine. You can also tell her that I'm an adult who doesn't need a minder. I don't appreciate having her watching me like that.'
The man sauntered infuriatingly slowly back to me, standing just a couple of paces away. 'Well now, it looked to me as if you did need a minder. Heaven only knows what sort of trouble you might have gotten yourself into. And as for telling Miss Roman anything, I think the less she knows the less likely she is to be upset. I used my own initiative about coming to find you although I'm pretty sure that if she had seen you go then her orders to me would have been the same. You might want to be more discerning about the company you keep.' I couldn't restrain myself any longer. I stepped forward and slapped the man across the face as hard as I could. His head turned but his body stayed routed to the spot. 'I'll bid you goodnight them ma'am.' He nodded his head as I stood there fuming. I ran inside, slamming the door like a petulant teenager. Who the hell was he to talk to me like that? And as for making the decision on his own to come after me, I would speak to Sabina in the morning and have him sacked. I grabbed the small bottle of whiskey from the kitchen and poured myself a larger glass than was sensible. I wanted to drown out my own thoughts for a moment. Nothing Perun told me had made any logical sense and yet I'd felt the truth of it when he was speaking. I swallowed the drink down in one gulp and my rage bubbled back up in my veins. I threw the glass as hard as I could and it smashed against the wall into tiny shards, then I covered myself in a blanket on the couch and let the liquor pull me into sleep. I could hear the distant ticking of a clock, held tightly to the locket around my neck and wondered how much time my mother had left.
Fifteen
When I awoke I had about an hour before needing to be on my bike into Carmel. I hadn't decided yet if I was going to carry on with the play. In the light of last night's discoveries it all seemed kind of futile. My head was aching and my body felt dirty and dusty. I grabbed black coffee from the kitchen and ran a bath. Twenty minutes of soaking later and I started to pull myself together. The sun lit up the bathroom through the picture window and it looked as if today was going to be glorious. I got out of the bath and walked to press my hands against the glass. From here, it was as if nothing existed except nature. No other houses, aerials or roads were visible. I took in a deep breath and tried to recompose myself. As I dropped my shoulders and breathed slowly out I let my head drop and opened my eyes. Standing staring openly at me, leaning back against a tree as if he owned the place, was the man who’d interrupted my conversation with Perun last night. I screeched, threw a towel around my dripping body and ran down the stairs. By the time I'd thrown the door open and stormed out he'd walked forward to meet me. He stood with one foot up on the veranda, eyebrows raised and chewing his bottom lip. He was trying to keep himself from smiling and I just saw red.
> 'I don't know who the fuck you think you are, but I am not going to put up with being spied on by the hired hand.' I don’t swear like that unless I’ve really lost control and this time I was well past the point of no return.
'When you've calmed down enough to be rational, you should know that Miss Roman sent me over because you weren't answering your phone. You also didn't respond when I knocked the door so I was waiting to see if there was any sign of you before I kicked it down.'
'Oh, and is this like last night when Miss Roman sent you to get me? You know, I could have done without the self-righteous lecture yesterday, especially coming from a man who stands and stares at naked women through their bathroom window.'
He threw his head back, hands on hips and looked into the sky as if summoning the patience to deal with a small child. I don't lose control very often but when I do it's not pretty. Part of me wanted to throw myself on the ground and kick my legs and the rest wanted to run away and hide in a cupboard.
'I'm going to say one last thing and then I'm going to leave you to work this out on your own. I wasn't spying on you and I didn't know that was your bathroom. I had no idea you were going to appear in the window naked, and while I'm on the subject, maybe you shouldn't have been standing at the window without anything on. But let me reassure you that the glass is reflective enough for me to see virtually nothing, not that I’m desperate enough to stand around and look at women through their bathroom windows. I'm afraid I'm the old fashioned kind of guy who's only interested in women's bodies when they're being shown to me willingly and in private. Given the company you've been keeping I can see how you might have the wrong idea but I keep higher standards.' I opened my mouth to retort but by then my stupidity balloon had started to deflate. He carried on before I could interject anyway. 'Now I apologise for last night but I genuinely believed I was keeping you safe. Miss Roman has, in fact, asked to see you this morning and she's waiting for you on the east veranda with coffee. Shall I tell her you'll be over shortly?'
By then I couldn't speak. Humiliation has a way of shutting me up. I just nodded. He was wearing a cowboy hat this morning which he tipped at me with a simple 'ma'am'. As he sauntered away, I wondered if he was the man who’d been asking about me yesterday at the theatre. The description fit him perfectly. I didn't dare shout after him to ask, having just accused him of spying on me I probably shouldn't chase it down with a question about being some sort of stalker. I went inside and dressed for coffee with Sabina.
It was a good fifteen minutes later when I made it over to her house. Sabina was looking at her watch when I sat down. She didn't say anything but I apologised for my tardiness and explained that I'd had a late night trying to learn my lines. It was close enough to the truth that I didn’t feel too guilty then I changed the subject by asking if she got out riding very often.
'You know, I haven't been on a horse in two years. Then yesterday a young man applied for a job as a rancher and managed to fix me up a saddle that keeps me properly secure. I can't tell you how good it felt to be able to ride again, that's what I bought this place for after all. He's quite something, as well. You could do a lot worse for company if you don't have anyone back home. Do you ride?'
'No, I love horses but I never learned.'
'Well, now's your chance.' The housekeeper bustled between us collecting coffee cups and Sabina's breakfast things. 'Oh, Maryanne, send the new man over to us would you. I'd like Eve to meet him.'
'Oh I'd better get going to the theatre. I don't want to be late.'
'It'll only take a minute and nothing's going to start until I get there, is it?' With that, predictably, the man I was hoping to avoid for the next several years rounded the corner and smiled at Sabina. Her face lit up when she saw him. 'There you are James. I'd like you meet Eve, my absolutely charming house guest, who is also about to take the lead in the play I was telling you about. Now, Eve has never learned to ride. Would you mind?
'It'd be my pleasure to teach her, Miss Roman. How about later this afternoon?'
I felt like the worst kind of idiot. This was not a situation I wanted to be in at all. I smiled as sweetly as I could at Sabina. 'That's so kind of you, but you don't have to go to that trouble. I have my lines to learn and I'm not sure what time I'll be back today anyway.'
'Oh nonsense. We'll have finished blocking your scenes this morning, you can be back here by two and run over your lines in the evening. It's important to think about other things as well or the play will grow stale for you. James, could you organise some riding gear for Eve and meet her at the stables to get her fitted out later?' Sabina stood and grinned as if she'd won a prize. 'I think you two will get along famously. Now, I must get going.'
There are times when you wonder how life gets so complicated. I needed time to find Perun again and make sense of what he'd told me last night. In the cold light of day I was relieved we'd been interrupted. The last thing I remembered was all but begging him to let me see my mother, whatever the cost. This morning I wanted more space to make that decision. I had the shoots of a new life here, good friends back in England and I had no clear idea of how final the sacrifice was he’d talked about. I cleared my head on the ride into Carmel and by the time I arrived I felt calmer. I focussed on the job at hand and had a lively, fun morning. Surprisingly, I found I was able to throw myself completely into character, not a huge leap from the behaviour I’d exhibited with James earlier, so at least I had something to draw inspiration from. Sabina was full of praise and sent me home with a smile on her face for my riding lesson. Xander threw me off my game during coffee break by asking if I could give him Botox treatment just using the power of my mind. I told him that he was an idiot and stole his bagel to teach him a lesson. After what I'd learned I could do to the mouse last night I was more worried I'd end up taking his face off. Xander seemed remarkably unfazed by what happened yesterday. I, however, had some way to go before coming to terms with everything Perun had told me.
As I pulled my bike into the garage James' silhouette appeared in the doorway, hip leant against one wall, legs crossed at the ankle. He was wearing a v-neck white t-shirt, close fitting jeans and looked for all the world like a Levi advert come to life. He was holding riding boots in one hand and a hat in the other. When I got close he held them out without even bothering to look me in the eyes.
‘You ready to swap the leathers for something more comfortable?' he asked. He spoke so slowly and softly that I wondered if he ever rushed or got riled. It was hard to imagine him losing control the way I had that morning. I took the kit out of his hands and hung up my leathers.
'Will this take long? I have other things I need to be getting on with.'
'Let's just see how the horses take to you. They may not want you riding on them; tend to be good judges of character.' I guess I'd asked for that. I determined to build bridges for Sabina's sake. I owed her that much.
'Look, James...' I couldn't find the right words for the apology and I was going red as I fumbled with my strap.
'Do you need some help with the hat, Miss MacKenzie?'
'No, and for goodness' sake would you please call me Eve? I think we can drop the formality as you've already seen me naked.' I’d smiled as I said it but he ignored my attempt at humour. Then I remembered that in my fury I'd slapped him the night before. I had some serious work to do to put this right.
'Alright, I'm sorry, really I am. Could we please just start again? The person you saw last night and this morning, that's not really what I'm like. My behaviour was inexcusable, I know that, but there's a lot going on. I can't explain it any better but I hope you'll accept my apology and give me another chance.'
'You don't need to apologise for any of it. You said yourself; I'm just the hired hand. I'm sure you can take care of yourself so I'll do exactly what I've been asked, teach you to ride and stay out of your personal space. Now, do you know how to mount a horse properly?' He wasn't going to be won over quite so easily and I couldn't say I blamed hi
m. I put on my game face and decided to get this over with as quickly as possible. There was one last question I couldn't help but ask and I regretted it before my brain had connected with my mouth. 'I know this is going to sound crazy, especially after everything else, but did you by any chance go to the Golden Bough Theatre and ask about me yesterday?' He looked me full in the face, hands on hips, shaking his head ever so slightly. I gabbled on. 'It's just that the man described to me didn't leave his name but the description fits you perfectly. God, I'm sorry, I've done it again.'
He pushed me up into the saddle and adjusted the reins for me. He didn't bother to answer my last question and I cringed as he walked around the horse making sure I was safe.
'This is Tempest. He will go where I lead and do what I say. Today is just for you to get used to the feeling of being on horseback. You don't need to do anything except hold those reins lightly and sit with your back straight. He'll do all the work. This might be a more enjoyable ride for us both if we agree not to talk. We're going up the mountain path and around the river on the other side. It'll take about two hours but I have some water with me if you get thirsty.' With that, he mounted the stunning black stallion beside Tempest and we walked on slowly through the pasture and up the mountain trail.
