by Helen Fields
‘Eve, that’s not true. Do you think that last night could have happened if we didn’t both...’ Before he could utter another word I cut him off.
‘Don’t! Don’t you dare pretend it was anything other than a device! Well, I may be back here for now but I know how this works. You and I are done. I don’t want to be anywhere near you for one second more, understood?’ I walked across the meadow and found my shoes as I shouted at him. ‘From now I’ll do what I want, when I want and if that involves Perun, or anyone else you don’t like, then you and I are going to end up on opposing sides. Stay away from me.’ I didn’t wait for a response although I suspected he’d realised that trying to talk to me was futile. I walked towards the river and followed the flow of the water. Eventually it would lead me down out of the mountains to Sabina’s land.
I don’t know if he followed at a distance. I didn’t turn round to check and the water drowned out any other sound. It was midday before I got home and I hadn’t even considered the impact that being missing for so long would have had. I had no time to prepare myself for the welcome from Sabina, desperate since the horses had made it back without their riders. We’d been gone twenty-four hours and searchers had, of course, found no sign of us. Sabina was up on unsteady feet to hold me before I could say a word and I realised I couldn’t explain where James was. Fortunately, he was closer behind me than I’d known and whilst I was still in Sabina’s arms he appeared across the back fields. He reassured her that we were both uninjured and then improvised a story about a flash flood. He explained that we'd had to take shelter in a cave overnight which had got blocked by debris. I said nothing, just nodded in agreement. Once Sabina was certain that no-one needed medical help and the emergency services were stood down, I managed to persuade her that all I wanted was a hot bath and bed. James offered to walk me home but I ignored the pretence of friendship, unable to talk to him directly. I felt his eyes follow me as I made my way along the path. Tears fell down my face with every step and that short walk felt longer than the entirety of the last day.
I slammed the door behind me, curled up on the kitchen tiles and felt nothing but a vacuum of grief which I thought would swallow me whole. I don’t know how long I stayed there, knees pulled to my chest and eyes shut to the world. I must have slept after I’d burned out every tear I had because when I woke it was night-time. The worst of it was that in spite of losing an opportunity to see my mother, and knowing that my own sister had betrayed me, what hurt most was that my love-making with James was just a cheap seduction planned by someone else. There wasn’t a single thought in my head that I wanted to remain conscious for and I only bothered to stand long enough to find whiskey and a large glass. I poured it without ice or water, drinking so much in one mouthful that I made myself gag. I made a fist with my hand and forced it down, keeping on and on until I finished it then filled the glass to the top again. I drank until I could feel numbness over-whelming me and then dragged myself to the couch. My laptop was still plugged in and the little light was blinking. I knocked the mouse and my emails lit up before me. I could just make out that there was a message from Naomi but nothing made any sense. I was dimly aware of clicking the reply button and then I was typing before I could stop myself. Unconsciousness took me soon after and I let go of the world and the horrible pain inside me, falling into alcohol induced stupor on the sofa. I can honestly say that I slept the sleep of the dead. Not one dream, image or conscious thought interrupted the next twelve hours. When I finally surfaced I paid the price for my self-induced oblivion and ran to the bathroom, vomiting. I sat on the bathroom floor, crying and emptying the contents of my stomach for the next two hours.
I rose shakily to my feet when my stomach had finished punishing me and caught my eyes in the mirror. I was whiter than white except for the blackening circles around my eyes. That was the first moment in my life when I thought suicide might be a viable option to stop the merry-go-round of pain and confusion inside. The dawning realisation that I needed help jolted me into action. I grabbed the phone and quick dialled the first person whose number came up, rambling for three or four minutes before hanging up. I’d spoken to someone but I wasn’t even sure who and at some point I simply gave up.
The next thing I knew, a cool flannel being wiped on my forehead. I opened my eyes and found Xander staring at me as if he’d discovered a new species of insect. He must have realised I was coming round, because a second later he was bear hugging me so tightly it hurt.
‘You stupid, stupid bitch. Don’t you ever scare me like that again.’ Xander was babbling and I had a vague memory of phoning him before everything went blank. I was propped up in bed and dehydrated like I’d never been before.
‘Xander, let go, I can’t breathe.’ The grip loosened a little but he didn’t let go completely. ‘I’m sorry, I’m really sorry. Tell me what happened. Could I have some water before anything else, please?’ I tried a weak smile but the panic was still evident in Xander’s eyes and I saw, for once, that he wasn’t exaggerating the drama of what I’d put him through.
He disappeared into the kitchen and returned shortly with ice water, hot tea and buttered toast. I hadn’t figured on him having a maternal side. He opted for changing the subject and talked non-stop for the next hour about the reaction at the theatre when I’d gone missing.
After a while I drifted back into sleep and was vaguely aware that my agent Daniel Fortune had come to see me. By the time I surfaced one of Sabina’s housekeepers was sitting at my bedside. She bustled out to fetch me some dinner and I did my best to eat the pot roast she brought. When I woke the next morning the sun was streaming through the window, opened to let in some fresh air. Another of Sabina’s staff must have come over because I could hear dishes clattering in the kitchen and someone humming a tune. I put on a robe, ignored the horrors in the mirror and went to say that I was fine and they could leave.
When I got to the doorway I was sure I was hallucinating. Stood at my sink, putting wild flowers into a makeshift vase, was Naomi. She froze mid-sentence and I looked to see who she’d been speaking with. Just outside the door, reading a newspaper on the veranda, was Nate. I couldn’t speak or move. I was crying before I could talk and Naomi was holding me in her arms in a flash. When she’d satisfied herself that I was in one piece, Nate came in. He opened his arms slowly, obviously unsure how I’d react. It was all the invitation I needed and I let myself be folded up in the safety and normality of him until I was sure I could speak without sobbing. I gave them the same version of events that James had given Sabina and they were full of questions about the flood and life on the ranch. Nate looked at his watch and said he had to go, explaining that he’d set up meetings with colleagues in San Francisco as an excuse to get over to the States at such short notice.
‘So now I actually do have to go into the city for a couple of days to see these people. I’ll be back for the weekend, though. Naomi’s staying to make sure you don’t get in any more life threatening situations until then,’ he teased. I walked out to his hire car and remembered why I’d been so charmed by him. I was stunned that he’d come all this way to see me and more than a little grateful for the attention.
When I went back to Naomi she was waiting on the veranda with an empty chair pulled up next to hers.
‘That looks like you mean business,’ I said. She didn’t smile as I’d expected. I sat down and waited for her to speak.
‘I want the truth about how you are,’ she said.
‘Not great obviously, but I’ll get better.’ She didn’t look convinced. ‘Naomi, you don’t have to worry, it was just a storm and we Brits aren’t used to quite such dramatic weather.’
‘That’s not what I meant.’ She stared hard into my eyes. I looked away even though I knew I shouldn’t and she reached for my hand. ‘I was talking about your email. That’s why I’m here.’ My face must have given away my confusion. ‘You don’t even remember writing it, do you?’ The chance to lie convincingly was long gone
so I shook my head. When I met Naomi’s eyes they were filled with tears. She had a hand pressed against her mouth and took a moment before she could speak. When she did her voice was shaking. ‘You said you wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. You said you’d lost everything. You talked about someone called James in a way I’ve never heard you talk about any man and said you’d been betrayed beyond what you could bear. Bits of what you wrote were incomprehensible but mostly it was just desperate. I’ve been worried sick, not knowing what state you’d be in when I got here. I didn’t tell Nate about the email, just the official version. But I need you to reassure me there’s nothing else going on, that I don’t need to be really worried about you because I never, ever want to be scared like that again. Do you get it?’ I did get it. I didn’t want to read the email I’d written because I thought it might push me into an even darker place than I’d been. I reassured my friend that we would talk but that I needed a bath and some clean clothes to make myself feel human again before I could handle it. She agreed and we went back into the house together. I felt a little light creep back in where the darkness had been.
Naomi produced a light salad, some bread that she’d baked in the afternoon (even jet lag couldn’t get her out of the kitchen) and then suggested that we go for a walk around the estate. She saw my hesitation immediately.
‘We won’t go beyond the fences, but you’ve been in this house for three days now. You need some fresh air. Come on.’ I couldn’t argue with the logic and I was longing to clear my head. Arm in arm we left the veranda and wandered around the side of Sabina’s house down to the paddocks.
‘I’m so grateful you came. I’m just sorry I lost the plot so badly. I think it’s all been too much, you know, the last few months. Ever since I found out about the adoption my whole world has turned upside down. I feel a lot better having you here. How long can you stay?’
‘Chambers have given away all my cases for two weeks but that’s as much as I could get away with on late notice. If you need me though I’ll stay as long as it takes.’
‘I’ll be fine. Two weeks with you here will be heaven although I’ll have to diet for a month to pay for it.’ Naomi looked relieved to see me joking.
‘You could do with some home cooking. You’ve lost weight since you came here, I swear I can see your ribs.’
‘Yeah, well I’ve got to fit into my costumes and I can’t suck my stomach in all the time I’m on stage.’
‘You know, with all the drama, I’d forgotten about that. So how is the new career? I always thought you were destined for more exciting things than the courtroom.’
‘I’ve barely started yet; Sabina must regret ever casting me. I seem to have done nothing but cause trouble since I arrived.’
‘I’m not regretting it at all, my darling. Now do introduce me to your friend.’ Sabina had appeared behind us, moving quietly on her crutches, having spotted us from her house. I kissed her cheek in greeting and introduced Naomi. The two of them hit it off immediately, bound by their mutual concern for me. We made our way back across the meadow to Sabina’s porch where a pitcher of iced tea was waiting. We talked about life as a lawyer, Sabina’s acting career and I switched off when they discovered each other’s love of cookery. As I watched the sun go down over the trees I heard Sabina suddenly call out.
‘James, there you are! Come and meet Eve’s friend Naomi.’ I tried to make my face neutral before I turned round. For some reason I’d been certain he’d have left the ranch after all that had happened. It hadn’t occurred to me that I’d have to see him again. I heard the soft fall of his boots up the veranda steps and watched him tip his hat to Naomi in greeting. To my horror she began thanking him for bringing me back to her safely.
‘I’m not sure Miss MacKenzie shares your feelings on the subject I’m afraid, it was my decision to trek into the mountains that got us into trouble to begin with.’ Naomi was murmuring about how ridiculous that was. ‘How are you doing now ma’am? Recovered from the experience I hope.’ I looked him in the eye and, to be fair, saw nothing but genuine concern. I tried to hide some of the bitterness I felt before Naomi picked up on more than I wanted her to.
‘I’m fine. A couple of days rest was all I needed. Now that I look back on it none of what happened was worth making such a fuss about.’ I forced a smile and he returned it with more ease than me. Dissatisfied with the impact my comment had on him, I continued. ‘In fact, I’m feeling so much better since Naomi arrived that I’m going back to rehearsals tomorrow. I’ve left everyone waiting too long already.’
‘Oh darling, you don’t need to do that,’ Sabina interrupted. ‘We’ve been going through the scenes with your understudy reading in. You should take a few more days to recover. You’ve had a dreadful experience.’
‘Not at all. To be honest, being trapped like that was more an exercise in conquering boredom than anything. I shall be back at the theatre in the morning. I hope you won’t mind if I bring Naomi along to watch, I can show her Carmel when we’ve finished. Now, we’d better be getting to bed, I want to be back on top form and I certainly can’t go out in public with my hair and nails this much of a mess.’ We said our goodbyes and Naomi left Sabina promising to swap recipes the following evening.
‘Cup of tea?’ I asked Naomi as we walked back into the kitchen.
‘What the hell was all that about?’ Naomi blurted. ‘You can’t go out with your hair and nails in such a state. I’ve never heard you come out with such rubbish. You’re the least vain person I’ve ever met. And going back to rehearsals tomorrow? After everything you’ve been through, you’ve got to be kidding me.’
‘I just figured staying busy would be the best thing to do. I can’t sit around here feeling sorry for myself and I have a responsibility to the rest of the cast. I thought you’d be pleased, positive outlook and all that.’
‘I would be pleased if I believed it was real. It just seems like it came out of nowhere.’ She put the kettle on, clattered mugs around for a few moments and then continued. ‘Now that I think about it, it didn’t come out of nowhere. This new positivity, if that’s what we’re calling it, only appeared when James spoke to you. Talk, MacKenzie, there’s something you’re not telling me.’ She placed two steaming mugs of tea on the table, put her head in her hands and stared at me.
‘You’re imagining it,’ I countered.
‘That’s a load of crap and you know it. Are you in love with him?’
‘No, I am fucking well not in love with him.’ I reacted more angrily than I should have and the extraordinarily sharp Naomi, whom everyone underestimated, seized on it straight away.
‘Then why the overreaction? No-one could blame you for falling for him. I’m engaged to be married to the most wonderful man in the world but I can still appreciate how someone like James would make you feel. Toned body, that sense of quiet control, great accent, sexiest walk I’ve ever seen. The two of you thrown together like that. I can only imagine...’ I finally lost patience.
‘You can’t imagine. You don’t know what it was like. I know he seems perfect but the truth is very different. He’s manipulative and controlling and will stop at nothing to do whatever he thinks is right. And it doesn’t matter what his body’s like or his eyes or his voice or anything else. I found out the hard way that he can’t be trusted, okay?’
Naomi sat still for a moment, contemplating.
‘Wow,’ she said. ‘I knew there was something going on but I had no idea he’d affected you that badly. I won’t tell Nate, you know, you didn’t promise him anything and he came here not expecting anything. So what happened?’
‘Nothing happened, I just...’ I didn’t know what to tell her although some sort of explanation was owed. ‘You’re right, there was a connection, or at least I thought there was. I misread him, that’s all. Maybe it’s just my pride that’s hurt. I think I made a fool of myself, you know how I am about that.’ I put my cup in the sink so that I could get out from under Naomi’s stare.
>
‘He didn’t seem to be the sort of man who would be into playing games, quite the opposite and he looked genuinely concerned about you.’
‘Well, all I can tell you is that he didn’t turn out to be what I expected at all.’ I knew from the resignation in Naomi’s voice that she wouldn’t push this any further tonight. I made my excuses and sloped off to bed. I could hear Naomi in the guest room on the phone to Tim and envied the reliability of her relationship. I shifted my thoughts to Nate. It was time to have a good long think about what I really wanted from my life. Perhaps Nate was exactly what I needed. Maybe it was time to stop running away from commitment.
Nineteen
If it did nothing else, seeing James forced me to return to rehearsals as promised and I threw myself into the role of Katharina, the shrew, with a passion I hadn’t previously felt. Naomi was filled with endless praise and I began to believe I might actually be able to pull the whole thing off by opening night. For the next week I was spoilt with Naomi’s chatter, home cooking, and the attentions of Nate who returned from San Francisco with the news that he’d arranged to stay for the next month. It was a surprise but not an unwelcome one. I quickly settled into a routine with people around twenty-four hours a day to keep me busy. I would catch a glimpse of James every other day or so although he was careful to stay out of my way. There were no signs of Perun and I took to reciting my lines out loud every time I found my mind wandering onto the painful subject of what had happened in Manitu. With each passing day it seemed more like a bad dream than anything else. Naomi was becoming increasingly attached to Sabina, would sit next to her during rehearsals and could be found pouring over recipe books with her in the evenings. The two weeks’ vacation passed all too quickly and before I knew it we were in Nate’s car to the airport to see her off.
As sad as I was to see Naomi go, I knew she was missing Tim and eager to get back to work. I hugged her at the departure gate. Just as I was about to let her go she pulled back and whispered in my ear.
