All those things he said about her voice. Those recent remarks about her being helpful and honest, the value of her work. All sugar-coated lies and mocking deceptions.
Without thinking, Em flung the book across the room in fury before remembering it was George's copy. It struck the wall and fell to the floor — thankfully, its binding was still intact.
Her concern melted a second later. Oh, well. It would be no less than Doctor Ferris deserved if it had split in half. And she would buy George a new copy if this one didn't survive the week. She was going to need more than one throw to vent all this anger; as for the pain, she was stuck with her advice on letting go to 'Charles.'
To think, only a few weeks ago, she had made the foolish assertion that she was capable of handling the truth if her advice had been a failure. Be careful what you wish for, she thought, grimly.
Creep. Jerk. Heartless, selfish troll. She should have played Goodbye to Love instead. It would have been far more fitting for the future cold and unfeeling Doctor Colin Ferris.
Chapter Seventeen
"And now they say Lydia doesn't qualify because she has no extracurricular activities! When would she have had time for them? The poor girl is busy practically every second, what with homework or friends — it isn't her fault she's so popular, is it?"
"I'm sure Papa isn't worried about Lydia's future," Em replied. "There will be money to get Lydia into college ... and she might get a scholarship afterwards." Might, maybe — these were strong words to use regarding Lydia's probable academic glories.
"But what of Jane? What if this job interview doesn't work out? Then we'll have to support her on top of Lydia and Kit's education. It's too much, Emmy!"
"You won't be alone," Em reminded her. "You'll have me, remember?"
Her tone had softened since the last conversation with her mother. Her night's sleep wasn't the best, but it had cleared her head of the cobwebs created by hearing the old cassette of herself and the would-be 'Charles.' That blast from the past had kept her awake early in the morning, until she forced her energy in another direction.
Anger was fuel. Fuel could be concentrated, and used to energize another source. In this case, her upcoming debate, the next-to-last public encounter with Doctor Colin Ferris. For that reason, Em had attempted to flush away the more irrational thoughts connected with this discovery, and put it in perspective. Yes, she had based her career on a failure, it was true. But Colin's words had painted every single caller from her show, past, present, or future, as people running a gauntlet of humiliation. Regardless of past failures, Em knew this wasn't true.
She had Colin's book underneath her arm when she stepped outside her back door, a cup of coffee in hand. George was in his suit, but he was pausing to adjust one of the trivets supporting his oversized Queen Elizabeth climbing rose.
"Here," said Em. "I'm finished with your book." She wasn't — in fact, the back cover was still tucked inside the last chapter she had been reading.
George glanced up. "Keep it," he said. "I have dozens of books in my office yet to be read."
"No, I'm serious. I'm done with it." She held it out more persistently, as if this communication would be more effective than words.
"Hated it that much, did you?" George smiled.
"Let's just say I'm disenchanted with its author," answered Em.
"Really? He didn't seem so bad during that last debate. He paid you a compliment."
"His compliments are honey meant to help you swallow his next insults," said Em. "I don't particularly care for people who laugh behind your back, or condescend to you over your differences." Her face was feeling flushed the closer she drew to previous events, forcing her to stop.
"Mmhm," said George, thoughtfully.
"Anyway, I have no further interest in Doctor Ferris. In fact, I'll be happy to see the last of him in a couple of weeks."
George leaned against the fence. "Is that when you see the last of him?" he asked.
"Probably. The debates are coming to an end. And I don't foresee Harriet wanting us around much longer, regardless of what the project's producers want." Harriet was well on the road to self-confidence, after all. It wouldn't be long before she was strong enough to weather the problems created by having a dating life.
"I guess I'll wish you luck in the meantime," said George. "And hold onto the book for now. You never know when you might change your mind and be curious about the end." He waved goodbye to her as he closed his garden gate and crossed to his car.
Em sighed. She shoved the book out of sight on a living room shelf, beneath an author's copy of Frank's book translated into German. It served Doctor Ferris right, being buried beneath a successful rival.
Today she was seeing Harriet for a one-on-one segment. It was supposed to be a dual coaching session, but, once again, Doctor Ferris had a previous engagement, it seemed. Vic was beginning to look disgruntled, Em thought.
"So, what have you decided?" Em sat cross-legged on Harriet's sofa, the project portfolio open on her lap in an attempt to make this look like a real therapy session.
Harriet took a deep breath. "I think ... I'm going to tell Randy he can see someone else. If he wants to. Because I don't think it's going to work out between us."
"I see," said Em.
"I know, I know...there might not be another good candidate for me on the website. But my mind is made up that it's the right thing to do. I want to be sure the person I'm with is the right person."
"Do you think he'll be okay with this?" Em asked, gently.
Harriet nodded. "I do. I mean, I don't think he feels any great chemistry, either. So this will be okay."
No tears, no bitterness. It was going to be okay, Em thought.
"What now?" Em asked. "Will you try it with someone else?" Don't hold out for Doctor Ferris and his understanding side, she was thinking. He'll likely crush your feelings the second time. Squash your personal ego like an ant with his brutal honesty. Not that he was probably the least bit interested in a girl as nice — or honest — as Harriet.
"I think I'll spend more time with my friends," said Harriet. "You know, the real ones. And I'll spend some time thinking about what to do. I mean, my life is so much bigger than it used to be. Knitting, walking, looking at night classes in photography — I'm kind of excited."
She sounded as if she really meant it, which was why Em's smile brightened despite the camera's presence. This was the real accomplishment of all she — and, well, Colin — had tried to help Harriet learn.
"I'm glad to hear it," said Em. "I think it sounds like a great plan."
"But what about the project?" said Harriet. "I mean, people will get pretty bored watching me hang out or knit or whatever."
"So what?" answered Em. "Who cares? The point is, you're happy, Harriet. I could care less what any website visitors think. I think anybody with any sense will just be glad for you."
"Okay," said Harriet. She smiled. "I guess we could try that speed dating thing if somebody complains. It would probably be pretty exciting, right?"
Em laughed. "Definitely."
At least this put an end to Vic rolling his eyes in despair, Em noticed.
*****
Be calm, Emma. Be focused. And, above all, stand your ground. Tonight is not Doctor Ferris's easy night of victory.
This was the progression of thought in Em's head as she waited for the debate to begin. Janet Fairfax was undergoing last-minute wireless mic adjustments with a member of the crew. Colin was seated in his usual place, looking somber and silent.
He hadn't spoken to Em since he arrived at the studio, although he had glanced her way once or twice. She hadn't bothered to speak with him, not even to ask why he had missed their mutual session with Harriet today. The answer was obvious, after all. They were both too uncomfortable with each other to be in the same place at the same time.
Janet Fairfax sat down. "Well, boys and girls, let's hope tonight's conversation has a little more pep than last week's,"
she said, in the closest tone her placid, polite voice ever came to candor. "Remember, only one more to go." She shuffled her notes, then trained a pleasant smile at the camera as the production manager counted off the seconds until showtime.
"Good evening, and welcome to In the Moment. I'm your host, Janet Fairfax, and, once again, our guests are psychologist and author Doctor Colin Ferris and radio relationship guru Doctor Emma from Heart Therapy. Doctors, thank you for joining us tonight."
She turned to Emma. "Let's begin with you, Doctor Emma. As the coaching endeavor between you and Doctor Ferris draws to a close, what lessons do you feel you've learned from Harriet's experience?"
"I think I've learned a lot from Harriet's experience," answered Em. "Her situation is proof that you shouldn't give up on people who don't seem ready to find the answers. The value of believing in people is so important. And so is honesty. Especially when it comes to the people who surround you."
Her gaze was leveled briefly on Colin as she spoke, then returned to Janet's face with a polite smile.
"Honesty is always the best policy," demurred Janet. "And what about you, Colin? What lessons have you garnered from Harriet's journey thus far?"
"I would concur with Doctor Emma's first lesson," he said. "But I think one has to value the importance of an individual's privacy and emotional self-control in cases like Harriet's."
"Emma?" Janet switched guests at this moment.
"Harriet had the support of her true friends," Em leaped into the conversation. "So what did it matter if a few people were cruel because she was honest? It's a cruel world, as I'm sure you know, Doctor Ferris. That's why it's important to share our problems and weaknesses with supportive individuals."
"Not everyone is as supportive as your community of listeners," retorted Colin. "You don't make allowances for the emotional impact of airing one's laundry, so to speak. Or the individual strength of your callers to face them once they hang up the phone."
"So you prescribe keeping it bottled up?" said Em. "Harriet should have just endured her pain and loneliness until she figured out a new plan for her life?"
"No." Colin sounded defensive. "Of course not. Harriet has proven she has the strength to meet the consequences of her phone call. Especially the unsympathetic treatment of her feelings by her so-called friends, and some of the cruel comments inspired by the web videos."
"But you think she made the wrong choice?" Em challenged. "If you were in her place, you wouldn't have done it?"
He paused. "I wouldn't have wanted Harriet to make another choice," he said. "I have never said that. I'm saying that some might regret making a similar choice for personal reasons —"
"I'm sure," said Em. "I'm sure that some people do regret it. They receive advice that ... does more damage than good. And the people who give it to them regret it. Horribly."
Colin's lips parted, but Janet spoke first. "Let's run with this theory of unsympathetic treatment of callers. Do you think every person who calls in really receives positive feedback from most listeners and friends, if their problem is sympathetic?"
Em was taken aback momentarily. "I — I don't know," she answered. "I certainly hope so. Most of my listeners care about the problems of others. They support each other during our review episodes. Most of our callers belong to support groups, or have counselors to help them face their biggest problems..."
"But you can't guarantee it, you mean," said Janet, pleasantly. "Colin — why raise the issues of backlash and caller dignity at all?"
Now it was Colin's turn for discomfiture. Apparently, Janet had seen fit on her own to add some spark to the debate this time.
"I ... merely posed a question that ... I think maybe some people consider. People who find themselves struggling with certain limitations when it comes to sharing ... and what follows sharing certain aspects of one's life, both negative and positive, especially when they are on their own ..."
He was waffling. He didn't want to say it was because he was a caller with a bad experience. Em was rather enjoying his discomfort at this moment.
"So this is about the vulnerability of the individual caller," concluded Janet. "Let's ask another question. How do you feel about each other as counselors?" She glanced at Em. "Let's start with you, Emma. Tell us how you feel about Doctor Ferris."
She didn't want to do this. She shouldn't say anything she would regret, even while she was angry. She glanced at Colin, who was studying the floor, it seemed.
"I…" She paused. "I think that Doctor Ferris isn't someone I would want to help me. Just because I would like someone who seemed to care about my feelings. Who was actually open enough to make a close connection with me. And who isn't afraid of the messiness of people's pain."
"Colin? How do you feel about Doctor Emma?"
He was silent for a moment. "I think Doctor Emma's emotions give her insight, but also prohibit her from seeing the whole truth," he answered. "They make her a good listener, certainly. A sympathetic one. But they lead her to make certain judgments quickly, and form certain loyalties which are not always worthy of her."
"Do you have a response, Emma?"
Em found her voice. "Not this week, Janet." Emma made herself smile for this reply.
"Then we'll leave it there until next time." Janet was smiling at the camera now. "Thanks to Doctor Ferris and Doctor Emma for joining us. Next up, a rousing discussion on school lunches between child nutritionist Doctor Jack Seurach and Harmon Anderson, vice president of the Parental Rights Council."
Em couldn't get disconnected from her mic quickly enough for her tastes, but the crew member unfastening it was meticulous. She couldn't avoid being momentarily face to face with Colin once again.
She glanced at him. "You missed our session today."
"I did." He paused. "I called Harriet to explain. We talked. She seems to be doing well."
"Harriet's fine. It was you we were concerned about." Em was free now, giving her the perfect opportunity to walk away.
He looked surprised by her words, but only for a second. "I see our truce is no longer in place for the debates," said Colin. He attempted a smile, but let it die quickly.
"Why should it be?" Em asked. "Clearly, we're not a team anymore, Colin. We have secrets, separate agendas. Why should we talk? I think we do our best work on our own time."
He sighed. Em wasn't sure if it was frustration or exasperation she heard in that breath. "Must you make everything so personal before I even have a chance to speak?"
"As if it's going to become personal once you get started." With this scornful remark, Emma brushed past him.
"No benefit of the doubt, Miss Benton?" he shot back. "No lesson in humility to teach me by giving me a moment of your time against your will? Not that I imagine you'd give me that privilege."
"Believe it or not, Doctor Ferris, you've taught me a very valuable lesson," she said.
"Forgive me. But I find that hard to believe," was his only reply.
*****
"Welcome to Heart Therapy. I'm Doctor Emma, and before we take your calls today, we have a special phone call of our own to make, so we ask you to bear with us for a moment." Em adjusted her headphones, took a deep breath, then signaled Isabel.
Isabel was dialing the number over the air now. The phone rang several times before Em heard the receiver click. "Hello?" The voice on the other end chirruped.
"Claire?"
"Yes?"
"This is Doctor Emma, Claire."
"Oh. Oh." Claire had been caught off-guard — even so, Em could hear the hurt feelings in her voice amid her confusion.
"You're on the air with us today —"
"Right now?" The voice became a slight squawk.
"Yes, right now, Claire. I hope it isn't a bad time —"
"No. I mean ... um ... you called me?"
"I did. And it's because I owe you an apology for the last time you phoned our show."
Silence. "You don't have to say that, Doctor Emma." Claire's
voice was foggy, making Emma afraid she was tearing up on the other end. "I'm sure you were right...I was being a bit boring with all those problems..."
"It wasn't your problems, Claire. It was me venting my own problems and frustrations on the air, and I did it by taking it out on you. I made you feel small for that reason, and I am very sorry." Em took a breath, then plunged on. "Most importantly, I said that no one cared about your everyday problems, which was wrong and untrue. Because people do understand. That's what we all want, to have people listen to the small things. And I do care, Claire."
"You don't have to say that." Claire's voice trembled.
"But I do. And so do our listeners. They have the same problems, Claire. That's what makes up everybody's lives. All the bigger problems come from those lives — and if we don't understand the little ones, we won't understand the big ones, either. The same goes for caring."
A sniffle on Claire's end.
"So please, keep calling in, Claire. Don't stop telling us what's happening in your life, because I don't want you or anyone to feel that you can't share what's on your mind, no matter what. Please accept my apology, Claire. And don't give up on me yet."
"Of course. Of course I won't." Claire sniffled again. "I — I didn't mean to make you think ... I get angry, too. You have problems like the rest of us, I'm sure."
"Then you'll still call in, and let us know how you are? Regardless of the problem?"
"I will. Yes, Doctor Emma." The old enthusiasm was coming back to Claire's voice. "Thank you. Thank you for calling."
"Thank you for being so understanding, Claire." She glanced at Isabel behind the glass. Her producer gave her a smile and a thumbs-up.
"Next up, we have Alistair from Bridgeport on the line."
Chapter Eighteen
Emma Knows All Page 16
