I must have dozed off after that.
I squeezed my eyes tighter, trying with everything in me to remember more. Two drinks wasn’t enough to be hung over. To forget.
The door…
I remembered the door opening. And giggling.
My eyes shot open.
Sophia. She had come into the room. Told me she understood my need to be free, and that she wouldn’t stand in my way. Told me she didn’t want things to end the way they had between us earlier and apologized for everything.
Having her show up like that had been a surprise after everything I’d said to her. But what surprised me the most was her apology. Because honestly, up until that point, I didn’t think she had a nice bone in her body.
And then what?
I tugged again, wishing the blankets would just magically float over me and save me the extra exertion of moving. Wishing I could recall what happened after our talk, but there was nothing in my memories but black. Nothing but an empty hole waiting to be filled.
Closing my eyes, I willed the low throb that pounded inside of my head to quiet. I also wished there were a bottle of water with a straw at hand, because there was no way I could peel myself from the bed and make it across the room to get a glass from the bathroom. No matter how cotton-filled my mouth felt, it would have to wait.
Rolling onto my side, I pulled myself into a tight ball and shivered as a round of goose bumps broke out along my chilled flesh. It was then I realized I didn’t have a stitch of clothing on.
But that wasn’t the worst thing.
The worst thing was rolling over and getting an up-close-and-personal view of platinum blonde hair peeking out from under the comforter I’d been desperately trying to pull over top of me.
What the…?
A pit formed in my stomach.
Forgetting how cold, shitty, and achy I felt, I rolled as fast as I could out of bed, hitting the floor with a hard thud that knocked the wind from my lungs.
Getting to my feet was an absolute bitch, but that wouldn’t stop me from trying to put as much distance between Sophia and myself as possible. But even as I tried, I had no control over myself whatsoever, and I ended up toppling over into my desk, knocking the lamp into the bookshelf with a resounding crash.
Sophia shot up, shoving her hair out of her face so I could see the slow smile working its way through her features. “You could at least try to keep it quiet, Phillip,” she said, hitching up a suggestive eyebrow. “You might be able to go all night long, but some of us can’t.”
The pit in my stomach bottomed out.
She smirked, flipped over, and pulled the comforter over her head with a familiarity that unsettled me. As if she belonged there. As if she’d been in my bed a million times before.
A cold sweat broke out along my forehead. What in the hell had happened last night?
“What did you just say?” I muttered, reaching out to grab my jeans and T-shirt where I’d left them draped over the back of my desk chair when I’d changed before the party.
There was no way I could stand up and put my pants on, so I pulled my desk chair out, sat down, and pulled them up as I high as I could without falling out. Steadying myself against the side of the desk, I stood and slid them the rest of the way up, and then collapsed back into the chair, fumbling with my shirt.
My entire body shook as I put my arms through one sleeve, and then the other. As the cold material settled over my chest, I braced my head in my hands with a groan that rattled the inside of my brain. I didn’t even have the energy to storm out, or to demand that Sophia get the hell out of my room.
I felt like I had been run over by a bus.
How the hell had I made it to bed?
No matter how hard I tried to remember anything after Sophia’s apology, I couldn’t. I’d only had a few of drinks. And it damn sure wasn’t enough to fall into bed with her. There wasn’t enough alcohol in the world for that. And I wasn’t that desperate.
Besides, I’d never do that to Maggie.
I pushed myself up from the chair, stumbled over to the light switch, and snapped it on. The brightness did nothing but emphasize the lump Sophia made in my bed, which escalated my guilt.
How could I tell Maggie? Should I tell Maggie? If I told her, what the hell would I say? I think I slept with Sophia, but it’s okay, because I can’t remember a thing?
No, no, no.
Damn it all to hell. And damn Sophia too. She’d warned me. Told me I’d pay for what I’d said to her. Manipulative bitch that she was, she’d done just what she said she’d do.
“Shut the light off and come back to bed,” Sophia said, sitting up and letting the blanket fall away from her chest.
I jerked my gaze to the beige carpet at my feet. “Look, I don’t know what happened, but you need to get your clothes on and get the hell out of my room,” I said, voice trembling.
Through the corner of my eye, I saw her tip her head, wearing a secretive smile. “Leave? I thought we were past all of that. Especially after last night.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose and took a deep breath. Before releasing it, I counted to ten. Told myself there had to be a reasonable explanation to what had happened. Told myself how much of an idiot I really was.
Sophia took my moment of silence as an invitation and dropped the blanket. Getting out of bed, she sauntered over to stand in front of me.
As soon as her arms raised up to wrap around me, I side-stepped her.
Maggie.
All I could see was the pain in Maggie’s eyes the day she walked away from me in front of the lighthouse. The disappointment I knew I never wanted to see ever again. Not because of me.
Knots formed in my stomach.
“Don’t touch me! Just… just get your clothes on and get out of here. Now,” I said, moving further from her. Wishing I could retrace my steps back to the moment I took my first swig of alcohol and do everything over again.
Sophia reeled as if I’d slapped her. “Don’t touch you? It’s a little late for that, don’t you think?” A slow, cruel smile stretched across her face as she looked around us. “Considering you’ve bent me over almost every piece of furniture in this room, touching you should be the least of your concerns,” she snapped at me, ending her tirade with another smirk.
I shuddered in disgust when images I didn’t want in my head flooded my thoughts anyway. Not that I could remember doing what she said, but it wasn’t hard to imagine her naked body bent over my desk, since she was standing before me, proudly displaying it.
A wave of shame rolled so hard through me I had to swallow several times before I could gather a solid reply. I took two very long, very deep breaths and curled my lips at her, ready to defend myself against what she’d said.
“If that’s so, then why don’t I remember any of it? If I’d have done all of… that,” I said, barely able to even get the words out from disgust, “then don’t you think I’d recall some of it?” I snapped back at her.
Anger and guilt churned inside of my stomach like a stormy sea. The thought of doing the things she claimed I’d done didn’t sound at all like something I’d do, no matter how much alcohol was involved.
But then again… I can’t remember.
“Don’t pretend like you don’t remember telling me you were sorry after we talked last night. Or that you didn’t mean it, and then begging me to forgive you. Which I do by the way.”
“I never—”
She stepped closer to me. “Oh, yes you did, Phillip. After you accepted my apology, we had a couple of drinks, and then we talked about the future. We talked about a lot of things actually. About your plans for college, and about that girl… Maggie.”
My spine stiffened.
“After you realized that it was me you were meant to be with, I took the liberty of getting rid of your last letter to her. It really is for the best that you cease contact with her, Phillip.”
Lightning cracked through my soul.
�
�Cease contact? What did you do with my letter, Sophia?” I took a menacing step toward her.
“I told you, I got rid of it,” she said, crossing her arms under her implanted breasts. The small movement jutted them up, as if they’d tempt me to forget why I was mad at her.
Anger burned through my veins when I heard her say that. But what was worse was the letter I’d written to Maggie had been tucked into the top drawer of my desk.
That meant Sophia had come up to my room and gone through my stuff.
My legs trembled, and I felt myself tilting. Sophia saw me struggling to stay upright and, ignoring my scowl when she neared, pulled my desk chair out and made me sit down.
“What right did you have coming into my room and going through my stuff?” I asked, bracing my hands on my knees to stabilize myself.
“What right? I have every right. You are my fiancé and after we made love over and over and over again, I snooped a little… like any girlfriend would. Now, I know that you’ve been under a lot of pressure with school, and I know you’re finding our situation a little stressful, but you and I make sense,” she said, sliding her fingers through my hair.
I jerked my head back and grabbed her wrist. “No, we don’t. You’re confusing real feelings with your love of my portfolio.”
Her bottom lip poked out. “I told you last night what you mean to me. I told you I was ready for everything you wanted to give me, and you said the same to me. I’d even give up this,” she said sweeping her hand down the length of her body, “to give you a baby.”
Stars flashed in my eyes as my body broke out into a full-on sweat. I shook my head too many times to count. So many that the room around me spun. I clenched my eyes shut. Why couldn’t I remember? How could I tell if she was lying or not, when everything was blurred by darkness?
I remembered her telling me she was sorry. I remembered shifting my thoughts about her, glad that we could part ways with some peace between us… so what if? What if I did have one too many? What if what she said was true?
I swallowed back the bile racing up my throat. What if, in a drunken stupor, I’d gotten her pregnant?
“Last night…” I said, stopping to clear my throat.
Her eyebrows quirked as she waited for me to keep talking.
“Did we… did I use protection?” I felt my heart slamming against my chest as the edges of my world tilted inward to crush me.
Something shifted in her eyes before she blinked it away. A deep-rooted smile that told me she had won. That she had me right where she wanted me. Had I not been watching her as if my life depended on it, I would have missed it.
“You really don’t remember any of it?” she asked, moving away to sit on the bed with a look of rejection on her face.
“No, I don’t, which is why I find it hard to believe you’re even telling me the truth. If we did what you said we did, I think I’d have some recollection of it. Some fragment of time to connect all the pieces. And for the love of God, can you please put some damn clothes on?”
She grumbled in annoyance, but did as I asked, plucking her dress off the floor and putting it on with a huff. “Satisfied?”
“Not nearly,” I muttered under my breath.
Sophia glared at me as she stalked across the room. Plucking something off the floor, she marched over to me and dropped it in my lap. Ignoring my reaction, she moved in front of the mirror hanging on the wall and twisted her hair up into a neat bun.
I pulled my eyes from her, staring down at the empty condom wrapper in my lap.
“Is this supposed to mean something?”
“What?” she asked, wandering over to where she’d left her purse and shoes.
“This,” I said, holding it up in the air between us.
“It means that we had sex. Crazy sex. How’s your hip, by the way?” she asked, flicking a glance toward my lap.
My hip? The wrapper slipped from my fingers, falling to the floor.
“I wouldn’t be surprised if you have a really bad bruise. You did slam into the desk pretty hard,” she said, turning back to the mirror with a tube of lip gloss in her hand.
Since she wasn’t watching me, I poked each hip, wincing when a jolt of pain shot through my left hip. I couldn’t stop the hiss that slipped past my lips.
“Told ya.” She chuckled, her eyes finding mine in the mirror. “I never would have imagined that sweet, meek-mannered Phillip was such an inventive lover. I didn’t think you had it in you. Then again, I never would have imagined what you’ve been hiding underneath those clothes either. You were just full of all sorts of surprises for me.”
“Me having a bruise doesn’t mean we had sex. I’m not that dumb,” I snapped back at her.
“No? How about my nail marks on your back?”
I shook my head, unwilling to buy into her bullshit.
“Don’t believe me? Go look in the mirror.” She rolled her eyes as she swept her finger along the curve of her upper lip.
I shifted uncomfortably in my chair, feeling the tight pull of my skin as if I could feel the welts coming to life.
The thought of actually doing what Sophia said I’d done made my stomach lurch.
“Why can’t I remember?” I gritted out between my clenched teeth, bringing my hands up to clutch my head. The need to hurl insults at her lodged in my throat as my fingers fisted in my hair.
She rooted through the contents of her purse with one hand as she unloaded on me. “If you can’t remember things when you’ve been drinking, maybe you should cut back. Or maybe you’re just saying you can’t remember so that you can pretend it didn’t happen. Either way, it’s nice to know our first time was so memorable for you, Phillip.”
Turning from the mirror, she pointed at the wrapper I’d let fall to the floor. “And yes, you did use protection... the first time, but not the other times after that. And why would you? We’re going to be married soon. Now I have to push the date up again, no thanks to you! And to think you thought you were leaving me for some girl named Maggie. What the hell kind of name is that anyway?”
She stepped into her shoes, keeping on with her tirade. “I’ll tell you, since you’ve decided to all of a sudden become mute. It’s the kind of name that says low class, fiancé stealing, home-wrecker… that’s what. I won’t have it, Phillip, so if you know what’s good for you, you better end it. All of it. No more letters, no more day-dreaming. No more Maggie.”
I shot up from my seat, legs be damned, and crossed the room, snatching my bedroom door open. “Get out!”
She took her time, pinning her hair up and sliding her shoes on. For a walk of shame, she sure was making a class-A effort to make it look good.
Sauntering up to me, she stopped right in front of me. “I meant what I said, Phillip. No more Maggie. We have a future ahead of us now and you will not screw it up.”
“The only future we have, Sophia, is what I’m about to say to you for the last and final time. I’m not marrying you. I don’t care who it offends. I don’t care who gets pissed off. You and I will never happen. Whatever happened last night was the biggest mistake of my life, and I never want to see you again,” I said, stepping back to usher her out of my room.
“We’ll see about that,” she said, giving me a look that burned me all the way down to soles of my feet.
“Yes, we will,” I said, shutting the door firmly in her face and locking it for good measure.
I didn’t have the energy to move, so I slid to the floor and wrapped my arms around my knees. My body shook with the exhaustion of holding it upright for so long and the need to shut my eyes overtook me.
“Alcohol doesn’t do this, mate. I think you’ve been done over,” Ed’s voice flittered through my thoughts as the room tilted and swayed.
Six weeks later:
“Do ye think the black shirt or the green one?” Ed asked, holding both shirts out in front of him.
“Depends on which one smells the least,” I answered, giving both shirts a quizzical
glance.
Ed held the green one up to his face, sniffed, and then said, “The black then.”
I shook my head with a chuckle. “You know there’s this little spot down in the commons called a laundry mat…”
“Sod off, mate. I know where it is. I just don’t want to be spending my free time down there watching some other blokes’ underwear tumble round the dryer,” he answered, tugging on the black T-shirt.
“There are some cute girls down there…” I said, giving him a shrug before changing the subject. “So big date tonight. Where are you taking her?”
“No idea, mate. Thought we’d go grab something from the burger joint, and then see where the night leads us,” he replied, wiggling his eyebrows.
Most of my belongings were already packed, making my side of the room look barren. With nothing much left to do, it left me a little stir-crazy waiting to finish off my last few days on campus.
After Sophia had discarded my letter to Maggie, I’d re-written one to her, but it still sat on my desk. I should have mailed it out. I wanted to mail it out. Every time I’d take it down to drop it off, something halted me.
That something being guilt.
I’d unintentionally, or maybe it was unknowingly, cheated on Maggie. And the guilt was eating me alive. Did I tell Maggie? Did I not tell Maggie? It would hurt her no matter what.
“Ye can come if ye’d like,” Ed told me. It was almost as if he had some sort of sonar on my moods.
I’d told him about it, of course, when I unpacked from the weekend at my parents. Ed’s advice was to let it go and forget about it. How could I tell Maggie about something I had no memories of? It was best left hidden under the carpet, and so on. He did have a valid point about something though. He’d told me that in all the time we’d spent together, he’d never once seen me overindulge, and that he found it a little odd that I’d do the things Sophia said I’d done.
Ed’s reassurance was the only thing keeping me from splitting apart at the seams.
“Nah, I’m good here. Besides, nobody likes being the third wheel on a date,” I said, picking up my laundry bag.
Ed’s mouth twitched as he picked up the discarded green shirt and tossed it at me. “Have it your way then. Give this a wash while you’re down there watching the spin-cycle.”
Love Always, Page 19
