“Morning,” he whispered in my ear.
“Morning,” I answered, trying to smile. Every morning when I woke up my shoulder was stiff, a constant reminder of the work I still needed to do.
He pulled back to look at me. “Jersey, please talk to me,” he begged.
Throwing the covers back, I swung my legs over the side of the bed. “Talk to you about what?” I asked, even though I already knew the answer. We did the same thing every morning. I was sure at some point he would get tired of it, but right now I just didn’t have an answer.
I felt him sit up and scoot behind me. “Every morning you wake up looking so sad. Please tell me why.”
I shrugged. “There’s nothing to tell, I just have a lot of work to do. Once my shoulder is fine I’ll feel better.”
He wrapped his arms around my waist and sighed. “What if it doesn’t get better? You don’t have to do all of this alone.”
I couldn’t even think about my shoulder not getting better—that wasn’t even an option. “It will get better,” I said firmly, and without saying another word, I got up from the bed, grabbed my stuff, and went to take a shower.
Why would he think that, much less say it to me? My one and only goal was to get back on the field, and I was going to do anything I had to do, to make it happen.
Once I was dressed and ready, I waited for Josh in the living room. We didn’t talk any more on the way to campus. After his comment there really wasn’t anything to say. Did he not understand how much I had on my mind?
We pulled into the parking lot and Josh turned the car off. Before I had the chance to get out, he placed his hand on my arm, making me stop and look at him.
“Look I’m sorry I upset you this morning. I know you have a lot on your plate and I just want to find a way to help you.” His eyes held so much sadness. “You can’t keep all of this bottled up. At some point you’re going to have to let me in.”
“I’m fine,” I snapped, getting out of the car and heading to class, never looking back.
Once I reached class and sat down, I realized what a bitch I’d been. Josh was only trying to take care of me. Knowing he had a break before his next class, I decided to go find him, once my class was over. Usually he had lunch with Angie while they waited for their class, and since I didn’t have any more classes, I normally went home and waited for him to come over when his were done.
The moment the professor let us out, which was a little later than normal, I made my way to the cafeteria and looked to Angie and Josh’s normal seats. They weren’t there.
As I was turning to leave, something caught my attention. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Josh, but he wasn’t having lunch with Angie. Instead, he was having lunch with Kendra. What the hell is he doing having lunch with her?
Wanting to find out more, I took a seat on the other side of the room, out of their line of sight, and watched them.
The lunch seemed like two friends catching up, except they weren’t really friends. Sometimes, I thought the only reason they even talked was because of me. However, as I watched and saw her place her hand on his arm, I became more worried about why exactly Josh was meeting Kendra for lunch. My questions, or at least my suspicions, were confirmed a few moments later when Kendra went to leave. Saying their goodbyes, Kendra first gave Josh a hug, then a kiss on the cheek.
Holy shit!
Josh was cheating on me. I’d been worried about him getting tired of me sooner or later, but I never thought he’d cheat on me—especially with one of my teammates. I should’ve known my relationship with Josh was too good to be true.
The tears stung my eyes and it felt like a knife was being twisted in my chest. My lungs tightened and my stomach churned as I made my way out of the cafeteria, running in the direction of my car. I kept my eyes down, and nearly ran into the person who’d stepped into my path. Looking up, the vision before me had rage pouring through my veins.
“What do you want?” I snarled.
Ryan reached his hand out to touch my shoulder. “Only to say that I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you.”
I flinched away from his touch. “A day late and a dollar short, don’t you think,” I snapped sarcastically.
I needed to get out of there. A conversation was Ryan was the last thing I wanted to deal with. My life was falling apart in front of me and I’d left all of the pills at home. Needing to deal with the anxiety quickly, I went to step around Ryan so that I could get to the car but Ryan stepped into my path again, this time holding onto both of my shoulders with his hands.
“Lauren, I saw what happened in the cafeteria. I knew at some point he would do that to you. I just wanted to protect you,” Ryan admitted.
That comment helped to fight back my anxiety. Instead I let the anger take hold. Who was Ryan to worry about someone cheating on me? It hadn’t bothered him. Stepping out of his reach, I squared my shoulders and looked him straight in the eye. “Well, I guess he’s no better than you, since you were the first one to cheat on me,” I yelled. “Now get the fuck away from me, Ryan!”
Dodging out of his reach I ran to my car. I could hear him calling my name and I only hoped he was smart enough to not follow me. When I reached my car, I threw myself into the drivers seat and let the tears that had started to blind my vision fall. Leaning my head against the steering wheel, I let myself wallow in my misery.
After a few minutes I realized that I’d rather be at home in bed. So I pulled myself together enough to get to my apartment on campus.
Once I got there, I went straight to my bedroom and grabbed the bottle of pills I’d hidden in my nightstand. Pulling a couple out, I set the bottle on the nightstand and I headed straight to the bathroom for a glass of water. Throwing the pills back, I went back to my bedroom to lie down.
I stared at the ceiling for who knows how long, the hurt and pain still swirling around in my body. I just wanted the feelings to go away. I didn’t want to hurt anymore. First my father, then Ryan, and now Josh, whose betrayal hurt the worst. He’d promised to never hurt me… and I’d believed him.
Letting my eyes slide close to keep the tears at bay, the memories of all we’d been through since we met played on a loop in my mind. All I wanted was to be loved by someone who would always put me first. But I was starting to feel like that person didn’t exist.
A while later, I wasn’t sure how long it really was, my phone beeped.
Josh: Class is done, be over in a bit.
I didn’t even bother to answer it. It wouldn’t make any difference. It wouldn’t matter to him if I told him not to come over. I needed to face this sooner or later and I’d rather it be sooner. It was time for a clean slate so that I could move on with my life, but I knew it wouldn’t be that easy.
A few minutes later, I heard the knock on my front door. I wiped the tears from my face but knew it wouldn’t make any difference, because Josh would know I’d been crying the moment he saw me. Taking a deep breath, I reached out and opened the door.
“Hey, Jersey—” Josh started to say, but then took in my disheveled appearance and tearstained cheeks. He stepped in to the apartment, and reached for me. “Jersey, what’s wrong with you? Why have you been crying?”
Backing away, I let the anger take hold. Anger was an emotion I could deal with, and I could use it to survive this conversation. “With me? What’s wrong with me?” I yelled.
He took another step toward me, and whereas normally I would’ve held my ground, I didn’t want him to touch me and try to play this off so I moved back. Again, he tried to reach out for me. “Don’t you lay one finger on me, Josh.” I wrapped my arms around myself. “How could you even think about touching me after what you’ve done?”
I snapped, my control at an end. The tears built up, the time that had passed diminishing the effect of the pills I’d taken earlier.
“What are you talking about?” he asked, seeming confused.
“I saw you today, in the cafeteria,” I said accusingly, contin
uing to back away from him toward my bedroom. Stumbling over my own feet, Josh reached out to stop me from falling.
“You mean with Kendra?” he asked, still holding on, making sure I didn’t fall.
“What the hell else would I be talking about?” I snapped, wrenching my arm out of his hand. Anxiety and anger made my body shake and sway and the hurt continued to build to the point where all I wanted to do was make it go away.
“I was there for you,” Josh shouted, his anger obviously taking hold. He stopped in his tracks as realization, along with disgust, spread across his face. “You think I’m cheating on you?” he asked, appalled.
“Aren’t you?” I raged. “You two looked all cozy together today at lunch.” Finally, I made it to my bedroom and moved to the other side of the bed, as far away from Josh as possible. “I think it’s time you leave, you’re no better than Ryan.”
“I’m not Ryan!” he shouted, my comment sending him over the edge. “And I’m not leaving until you listen to what I have to say.”
When I didn’t say anything he raked his hand through his hair and took a deep breath before he continued. “Lauren, it’s not what you think.” He moved to sit down on my bed, his eyes never leaving me as I stood my ground. Unsure of what he was going to say, I kept my arms crossed over my chest, trying to keep out the hurt.
He sighed when he took in my mutinous expression. “I was there to set up a surprise party for you. Angie and I wanted Kendra’s help.”
My arms dropped to my side and I felt tears of relief build in my eyes. What had I been thinking? You were letting your insecurities and fears get the best of you, my conscience said.
Josh had done nothing but protect me and take care of me. I had to stop doubting him and myself. Everything was going to be fine. He reached his hand out to take hold of one of mine, and this time I didn’t shake him off. Instead I let him lead me forward to sit on the bed next to him. He wrapped his arm around me, hugging me into his chest.
“Jersey, what would make you think I was cheating on you by having lunch with Kendra?” he asked quietly.
I shrugged my shoulders, embarrassed at the conclusion I’d jumped to. “I just… I just thought,” I stuttered.
“You just thought what?” he asked, his lips pressed to my temple.
I sighed. “I thought that you were tired of me and this sadness I can’t seem to shake,” I admitted, wrapping my arms around his waist and holding him tighter.
“Oh, Jersey, that’s exactly why we wanted to throw you the party. I’m so worried about you. Ever since you got hurt you have had moments of happiness, but there are so few of them. You’re always so focused on getting back on the field that you never smile or laugh anymore. You don’t even hang out with your friends much.” He pulled back to look at me. “I just wanted to show you that you’re not alone. That we are all here, no matter what. I was trying to bring my Jersey back to me.”
The tears that had threatened earlier streamed down my face. The love I felt for Josh in that moment was indescribable. All of that, just to make me smile. He was so wonderful, but my biggest fear was that his Jersey was gone.
“I don’t know how to find her,” I whispered.
He leaned in and kissed my lips. He cupped my face and using his thumbs, wiped away my tears. “I’ll help you. I know she’s still there, whether you can play again, or not.”
Bending my head, I continued to cry. I wasn’t sure if they were tears of relief, or sadness at what I could have lost. Josh slowly pulled me back into his arms and held me while I cried. After a few moments I was able to get myself under control and Josh once again pulled back to look at me. “Better?” he asked.
“Yes.”
His eyes searched mine. “How much have you had to drink?” he questioned.
Huh? Did he think I came home to binge drink? Not sure what he was talking about, my eyes searched the room until they landed on the nightstand.
Shit. I didn’t want him to know about the pills.
“I haven’t had anything to drink,” I said trying to stand up and move away from him.
“Then why do your eyes look like you drank half a bottle of tequila?” he asked, watching me closely.
Jumping up from the bed, I backed away and accidentally bumped into the nightstand, knocking everything to the floor. Josh quickly got up to help me clean up the mess, at least, until he picked up the bottle from the floor. He stood up slowly, a myriad of emotions passing across his face as he studied the bottle. Finally, fury settled across his features. “What is this?” he asked, stalking toward me.
“It’s nothing.” I made an attempt to grab the bottle, but he snatched it out of my reach.
“It sure as hell doesn’t look like nothing to me,” he growled. “This is a bottle of Percocet. You haven’t needed these in weeks, yet this bottle was prescribed last week. So, I’m gonna ask again, what the fuck is this?”
I knew Josh’s history with his dad, and I knew he would jump to conclusions, even if they were wrong. It wasn’t like I was addicted to the pills—I was just using them when I felt too anxious. “Josh, it’s not what you think,” I tried to assure him.
“You need to explain right now then,” he ordered. “Because every explanation I can come up with is pretty fucking bad.” He didn’t move. Instead he stood there staring at me, making me more and more nervous by the second. My eyes began to burn with unshed tears as I recognized his anger. Never once had that anger been directed towards me. He had to understand what I was doing. Surely he wouldn’t be upset with me after I explained?
I started picking at my cuticles, one of my nervous habits, trying to keep myself from crying Josh watched me closely, picking up on the fact that I was nervous but not saying anything or making any attempt to comfort me. I needed him to understand.
“Since the surgery, I’ve felt really anxious at times and I noticed that when I took the pain medication, I felt calmer and I could concentrate on my recovery.”
“Un-fucking-believable,” he shouted, hurling the pill bottle across the room and making me flinch.
I held my hands up in surrender. “Please, don’t be mad. I just needed to concentrate so that I could get my shoulder back to normal.” Try as I might, I could not get a grip of my emotions.
“Oh, and self-medicating is the answer?” he snapped. “Next you’ll be taking it to relax after a long day, or just for the hell of it.” He moved toward the door.
I reached out and grabbed his arm. He needed to listen to me. I had to explain. “Josh, wait,” I begged.
“Wait? Wait for what? Wait for you to put the drugs before everything else? Or maybe I should wait for you to end up dead somewhere because you took too much to relax,” he seethed, ripping his arm out of my grasp. “You’re no better than my father,” he snapped. With that, he walked out the door.
Dropping to my knees, I buried my face in my hands and let the sobs take over my body. What had I been thinking? All I’d wanted was to get my life back to normal. How had I screwed up so badly? Josh had actually walked out on me.
Needing to find a way to the dull the pain, I searched around my bedroom until I found what I was looking for…
Fuck! How had I missed it? I’d grown up with that shit all my life—how in the hell did I not recognize the signs? Because you didn’t want to, a voice inside my head told me.
The emotions running rampant in my body made me so angry that I wanted to break something, or someone. I ran to my car, jumping in and driving as fast I could back to my apartment. I needed answers, and I had a feeling I knew who might have them.
The car had barely come to a stop when I got out and headed for the apartment. The handle bit into my skin as I threw the door open and slammed it shut behind me.
“Angie,” I yelled down the hallway. When she didn’t answer after a second I yelled again. “Angie!”
She came flying down the hallway in a panic. “What, what’s wrong?” she asked.
“Did you know?�
�� I fumed.
“Know what?”
She looked around the room like she was searching for something. I took another step towards her. “Did you know?” I roared.
Caleb came down the hallway. “What the hell are you yelling for?” He asked taking in the scene before him, trying to figure out what was going on.
By now my face was so close to Angie’s that I could feel her breath. Without breaking our gaze, I said, “Back off, Caleb. I’ll ask you the same question in a minute.” My voice dropped to a level that was more than a little intimidating as I said, “Angelina, did… you… know?”
I stumbled backward when Caleb came over and shoved me away from Angie. “No, Josh, you back the fuck off of my fiancée.”
“Josh, what are you talking about?” Angie pleaded.
“I’m talking about the fucking drugs,” I snapped, taking another step in her direction, only to be stopped by Caleb again.
“What drugs? I have no idea what you’re talking about,” she said. The fear was evident in her voice, but that didn’t stop me from turning and throwing one of the lamps across the room in a rage. Suddenly, I was thrown up against the wall by Caleb. He had my back against it, along with one of my hands, and one of his arms pressed across my chest.
“I’ll let you go when you cool the fuck down,” Caleb ordered. “You’re not going to keep scaring the crap out of Angie because you can’t calmly explain what in the hell you are talking about.”
Everything about his body language let me know he was serious, and somewhere in the back of my head I knew they truly didn’t have any idea what I was talking about. I was just so pissed off that I’d missed all of the signs. I wanted answers.
Breathing deeply, in through my nose and out through my mouth, helped to suppress some of the rage coursing through me. It felt like I’d been punched in the gut. Here was the girl I loved, more than life itself, following the same path my father had taken—the same path that had ruined parts of my childhood. It took a few more minutes, but I was finally relaxed enough to talk and explain what happened.
Redemption (Forgiven Series) Page 23
