by Sarah Noffke
“Who wants to really feel their own emotions?” he says, leaving my question unanswered. “Sure, the good emotions are wonderful. However, those are the rarity for people like you and me.” He gives me a commiserate expression over brooding eyes. “We live as outcasts and with that comes a lot of negative emotions.”
“Mmmm.” I ruminate on his words. “Maybe. I guess it would be nice to distract myself from my emotions with someone else’s,” I say, thinking of my dismal fate.
Slowly, almost clumsily, he stretches his arm around my shoulder. A few seconds pass as he assesses my reaction from the inside. I don’t mind his touch. It’s nice actually. Warm. Accepting. Comforting. He hugs me into him softly. “Everything’s going to be all right, Roya. I know it feels really complicated right now, but a lot of people really care about you.”
I lay my hand on his. It isn’t hot. Or cold. It’s inviting, begging me to hold it a minute longer. His words are exactly what I need to hear. And this closeness is essential to my well-being, although I have a hard time admitting it, and not just because I know George is riffling through the contents of my emotions.
Simultaneously, the urge to both run and stay courses through me. I witness these emotions wrestle, watching as they take turns pinning the other to the mat. The longer I stay sitting beside George, holding his hand in mine, the more it begins to feel right. My emotion to stay is winning. For a minute I settle into the embrace, enjoying it. I feel George’s breath in my hair as he pulls me in closer to him. Then unexpectedly my anxiety shoots back from near defeat, pushing up into a fighting stance. Fierce, ready to go another round or ten. George withdraws. He’s the one to unfold his fingers from mine, the one to stand abruptly and put distance between us. Right when I’ve had enough and can’t overcome my unease, George pulls himself away.
His face is unreadable. “Roya, I know you’re more scared than you let anyone else see. But I also know, in all areas, you’re braver than you think.”
George doesn’t speak like this often, but when he does I lose it. I may look restrained on the outside, but inside I’m melting. His words always feel like they have a double meaning. He must be intelligent to speak with such complexity.
I stare at him, not knowing how to respond. He nods his head, like I have said something and he completely agrees. “Thanks for wearing the frequency adjuster,” he says. “And also, for keeping down the wall.”
I don’t respond or even nod. I don’t have to with him.
Chapter Thirty-Three
I’m brushing my hair into the usual ponytail for the morning workout when I hear a familiar rap on my door. “Pretty early for a delivery, wouldn’t you say?”
Patrick smiles. “No rest for the wicked and the righteous don’t need any.” He hands me two small packages.
“Thanks,” I say as he trots off.
Both packages are the size of a shoe box. Excitedly I pull open the lid to the first box expecting to see the familiar note from Bob and Steve lying on top of a piece of tissue paper. Instead I find a sheet of yellow, lined paper with small, compact handwriting. It says:
Roya,
I’m sorry. I’m sorry we fought. I’m sorry I said you were like Ren. I’m sorry we disagree about the modifier. I fear this will become more confusing before it gets easier. When you’re ready, I’ll be here.
This is the gift I meant to give you yesterday. I’ve loaded it with music you’ll love. I think you have to agree life is better when you have a soundtrack.
Aiden
Inside the box I find a silver iPod. I take it out, place the buds in my ears, and fire up the device. The first song that fills my head is the one I heard in Aiden’s lab and asked about, Plans and Reverie. Realizing I’m running late I head out the door with a sideways glance at the other package. It will have to wait.
I listen to music as I run and sweat. The five miles flashes by quicker than ever. Each song registers something in me. There are certain ones that make me run faster and harder. When I’m finally done I push sweat out of my face, feeling alive. Aiden’s right, my life is better with music. How had I gone so long without it? Charged and ready for the long day of training I head for the shower.
The trainings have intensified since the Day of the Duel is less than a week away. Directly after breakfast I report to the gymnasium to train with Shuman and the group. If she’s mad at me after our heart-to-heart she doesn’t show it.
However, when the training is wrapping up she dismisses everyone but me. This is it, I know I’m about to get it for disrespecting her. What will she do to me? What will I do if she throws a rattlesnake at me? Suddenly my kung fu training seems useless against a venomous and angry serpent. This makes me feel hopeless for my upcoming battle with Zhuang. Maybe it’s better if Shuman just kills me now.
When everyone has left the gymnasium, Shuman centers on me. “Roya—”
“I can’t say I agree with what you said to me in your office,” I cut her off. “However, I do apologize for yelling.”
Shuman raises an eyebrow and says, “Fine. I just needed to tell you to report to room 222 immediately.”
“Oh!” I say, blinking back my surprise.
♦
I stride into the meeting room, shocked to find Trey sitting alone, his hands crossed and resting on the table.
“Thanks for joining me, Roya,” Trey says gravely when I enter. “Mind shutting the door for us?”
I hit the button. It’s just going to be the two of us? Why?
Trey points to the chair opposite of him and smiles at me. I edge into the seat and gauge his nervous expression.
“A few weeks ago, when I sat on that dock and spoke with you for the first time, did you ever expect your life would change so drastically?”
I shake my head.
“First I want to congratulate you. I’m proud of you for many things, but I want to congratulate you for only one. I’m proud of you for putting so much of yourself into becoming the challenger and for how well you’ve dealt with all the stress.” Trey runs his fingers through his silver hair, betraying his confidence. “I want to congratulate you for who you’re becoming in the midst of all of these obstacles. You’ve demonstrated amazing character over the last couple of weeks. I believe you could benefit from someone pointing this out, since you don’t give yourself credit in this area.”
Although I sense he’s working hard to hide it, there’s something in his tone which makes me think he’s working up to deliver bad news. “You’ve had to cope with a great deal of pressure. I know this hasn’t been easy for you.” A long pause punctuates his statement. When he continues his strained voice carries a hint of strength. “Just when I think you can’t possibly impress me more you do something astonishing. We’re fortunate to have someone with your ability and strength. The Lucidite administration is forever in your debt for the sacrifices you’ve made to be our challenger.”
Where’s this going?
“Secondly, I need to apologize. You’ve been kept in the dark a great deal. With all the pressures around you I think you’ve ignored certain questions, but there’s a history I must now share with you. The implications of what I’m about to tell you has far-reaching effects.”
I tense. My heart suddenly hammers in my chest and then seizes as I await his next words. Trey’s eyes scurry between his hands and my eyes.
“You’ve always felt like an outsider in your family.” It’s a statement.
I swallow and stare at him.
“That’s what brought you here, right?” He pauses again.
How could he know that?
I grip the side of my chair but give no response.
“The day you were born your mother, your real mother, was in an accident in the Baltic Sea. You were born on a ship right before she died. There’s no information on your father.”
I freeze. The air around me freezes too. I don’t allow it or me to move. I just wait.
Trey’s eyes dart about the room, searching.
When they obviously don’t find what they’re looking for he reaches across the table with his turquoise eyes and fixes on me. “The forecast had already been released with the names of the potential challengers against Zhuang. This fight has been coming for a long time. We knew we had to protect you. We placed you in a home deemed safe and your family, the one you grew up with, was embedded to accept you as theirs.”
My recent conversation with Aiden barrels to the forefront of my mind. I remember his hesitation when describing the earlier versions of the modifier. Did he know this? Was Aiden involved in this conspiracy? Fury bursts forth in me as I put it all together. The modifier was used on my family. I was the lie they were forced to accept.
Trey must sense I’m off in thought trying to connect the pieces of this strange and abstract picture. His voice is slightly deeper when he says, “It’s too late for you to ever go back to this family. But you’re a Lucidite anyway, and you’ve always belonged with us.”
“I’m a Dream Traveler,” I argue. “That doesn’t automatically make me a Lucidite, right? Why do you keep saying I belong with the Lucidites?”
“Your mother.” Trey’s voice chokes on the last syllable. He recovers, sounding stronger with his next breath. “She was a powerful Lucidite. And she was important to this Institute. You’re a Lucidite by blood.”
My mother? My mother? Another mother. Not the one I know who speaks to me from sideways, disapproving glares. The one who forgets I’m there half the time. Forgets to pick me up from school. The one who wears a look of embarrassment when forced to take me out in public. Not this woman, but a different one. I had a mother. Had. And she was a Lucidite. Was.
This is far too easy for me to digest, although still it takes a great deal of chewing. Trey is right, I knew this was coming. Although I didn’t know how or why, hearing what he says doesn’t feel wrong. It’s like a part of me has finally been revealed, like arms I’d always used but had entrenched in thick fabric are uncovered, ready to meet the sunlight for the first time. I clear my throat, my mind, and speak steadily. “If my mother had been a Lucidite, then why wasn’t I here from the beginning?”
“This is no place to raise a child. We wanted you to have a chance at a normal life.”
“What was normal about my childhood?” I say.
Trey’s eyes soften and his remorse reaches across the table, trying to wrap around me.
“So, I have no one? I’m an orphan?” I ask, trying to block the pity.
Trey remains silent.
“Didn’t my mother have family? Couldn’t I have stayed with them? Couldn’t I be with them now?”
“No. Her family wasn’t accepting of Lucidites,” Trey says flatly.
This brings up more questions, but my head is already swimming and I don’t know where to begin. “Who was she? My mother? You said she was powerful. Important, right? How?” I ask, the words oddly tickle my throat.
“Roya, I really want to answer that for you,” Trey says, looking earnest. “Unfortunately, I can’t.”
His last three words deflate me in an instant. I’m still so far from the truth.
“Fine,” I say and manage a fake smile. “If I survive. If we beat Zhuang, then I’ll live with Bob and Steve.”
I’m lighter all of a sudden, but Trey still looks heavy. Strangely, I hoped my words would take the pressure off him, although why should I care about him at the moment…
“You could, but it isn’t as safe.” There’s a catch to his voice.
“But if we defeat Zhuang then there won’t be any threats, right?”
“There’s always a threat,” Trey says coldly. “There’s so much you could contribute if you stayed here.”
I don’t understand why we’re discussing my future housing at the moment. Honestly, I think we should be picking out caskets. I suppress a morbid laugh.
“Besides, you aren’t as alone as you think.” Trey threads his fingers together. He looks at his hands intently like they hold the answers to this complex equation called “my life.” “The day your mother died, she gave birth to two children.” His turquoise eyes flicker up at me. The expression he wears is a mix of elation and stress. He wears it well. “Roya, you have a twin.”
I jerk to a standing position, toppling over the chair behind me. “What?! Where?!”
The questions run through my head at a rate much faster than I can process. This explains Trey’s anxiety. The first bit I digested easily. He was bracing himself all along for this point in the conversation.
Trey shakes his head, looking remorseful. “We had to separate the two of you,” he says.
I stand motionless for several seconds. The air in my chest is ragged, like pieces of cotton running over ripped cardboard. I fail to compose myself, though, and when I manage to pull a full inhalation into my lungs I explode. “How dare you!? You did this?!” I accuse him. “You, Flynn, and your team of scientists! You manipulated my life.” I shake all over with disbelief. “I can get over sticking me in some strangers’ home, thereby ruining their family vacations, but how dare you separate me from…” I stop finding it difficult to say that word, “…m-m-my twin.”
Trey throws his fingers through his now overworked hair. “We did what we had to do to protect you. The forecast—”
“Enough with the stupid forecast. I’m just a pawn, aren’t I? This forecast has ruined my life.” My arms have taken on a life of their own, waving wildly over my head. “Have you ruined this twin’s life too with your manipulation?”
“No,” he says softly. “He’s taken this all quite well.”
My eyes bulge. “Him? Did you say him? Did you bring him here too?”
“Roya, if you’ll sit down for a second I’ll answer your questions.”
I stare at Trey, trying to judge his expression. He’s stoic as he locks eyes on me. Finally I pull out another chair and sit leaning in the opposite direction as Trey.
After several seconds he says, “We separated you for your protection. Zhuang would have found you two early on and killed you.”
“Why?” I question immediately. “Why would he come after us instead of the other people on the list?”
“You and your brother have something special. You’re twins and as such you share consciousness, which equates to energy. This type of energy is hard to hide; believe me, we’ve been struggling with it since you arrived. When you two are together, you set off all sorts of energy fields. Scientifically it’s quite amazing, but it wouldn’t have gone unnoticed by Zhuang. He’d have found you both long ago and killed you before you became a problem. That’s why we had to separate you.”
“Who is he? You said you’d already told him this. Why? Why am I the last one to find out?”
“Roya, I didn’t have to tell him,” Trey says. He pauses and when he continues his words are gentle and deliberate. “I only had to fill in the details. He already knew. He sees far into the future.”
“No!” I say, shaking my head. “That’s impossible!”
Trey’s voice is still steady and soft. “He saw a future where you two are close, like family.”
My mind sorts through what I know and all of this starts to piece together. Anger and betrayal cloud my head at once. “How long has he known?”
“Probably for a long time. It’s kind of hard to say with Joseph. He’s tough to read.”
Joseph is my twin.
My hands cradle my head as the emotions boil to the surface, about to spill over. I pull my head up and meet Trey’s eyes. “And who else knows? Aiden, right? Ren? Shuman?”
Trey’s face doesn’t give anything away.
“Why in the hell does everyone know my life but me?! I’m about to die for you people and you can’t even tell me the truth!” I slam my fist on the table. Trey doesn’t flinch.
“I didn’t feel it was right to tell you this until now.” He swallows. “You have to understand, I’ve had to make a lot of decisions and they can’t all be right.”
“Oh my
God!” I yell. “I can’t believe you’re going to make this about you now! The manipulation just never ends around here, does it?”
Trey’s expression is pained as he says, “I’m truly sorry to have hurt you. We’ve only meant to keep you safe.”
“Is that why you put us in unfit homes?”
His eyes close for a half beat. When he opens them they’re rimmed with guilt. “We didn’t know the homes weren’t conducive for your growth when we picked them. By the time it came to light, it was too late. You would have been very confused if we placed you in another home. You must know I only meant to protect you and your brother.”
I can’t take one more minute. The sound of the words “your brother” incites me. I have to get out of this room, away from Trey and his lies.
With urgency I charge down the hallway. Suddenly I wish I was in a huge field, where I could feel the sun on my back and face. It’s been too long since I felt the sun. Every time I dream travel it’s usually dark or dusk. I miss the sun so much. I miss the lake and my home and how uncomplicated my life used to be.
Chapter Thirty-Four
The training studio is crowded with people when I arrive, tired and sweaty. My team is gathered around, waiting for our kung fu lesson to begin. They turn and acknowledge me as I charge into the room, straight over to Joseph. Everything moves fast. George’s eyes widen. He reaches for me, but I’m fast, much faster than him or anyone else in the room.
Confusion and then fear race through Joseph’s eyes. I sprint forward, pull my fist back and punch him in the face. “You knew!” I scream, and George catches up with me. He and Trent restrain my arms as I shout, “You knew all along and you never thought you should tell me!?” I push forward, wanting to tackle Joseph to the floor.
