In no time at all, kissing and fondling weren’t enough. Jamie raked her nails down Kell’s back. With a cry, he arched over her and Jamie captured one of his nipples with her mouth. A strangling gurgle from him urged her on. Inflamed by his response to her touch, Jamie licked at his nipple and sucked, while kneading the muscles in his back. In no time his hips were arching against her…and she was responding in kind, thrusting upward.
“Damn, Jamie, you make me crazy,” he muttered as he kissed her neck, her collarbone and slowly slid down her. “I lose control around you.”
“Good,” she murmured, holding his head as she directed him to her breast. “That’s how I want you. I want you crazy for me, Kell.”
“I am, baby, I am.” With those words, his hot mouth closed over her nipple, wringing a cry out of Jamie. Her womb felt heavy, soft…open. With much the same motions he’d employed with her mouth when he’d kissed her, Kell swirled his tongue over her already stiff nipple, eliciting an erotic tingling that centered itself right in the middle of her. If he kept that up, she’d pass out. It was that simple. Just when she thought she couldn’t stand the sensation a moment longer, Kell relented and kissed his way across her skin to her other breast. There he repeated his tender ministrations.
“Oh, Kell, I don’t think I can take much more. I’m about to explode.”
“Hmm, baby, then wait for me. Let me help you.” He slid farther down her, his hands and his mouth never leaving her body. He positioned himself between her thighs and encouraged her to bend her knees. When she did, he lowered his head and took her into his mouth. The same swirling kiss that he’d lavished on her mouth and her breasts, he now centered on her very femininity.
Clutching at the covers, her eyes closed, her mouth open, Jamie writhed with the pleasure of what Kell was doing to her body. Her hips began an answering movement, rotating in time with each thrust of his tongue inside her. She couldn’t talk. She could only utter sounds, nonsense syllables…and his name. The hot and tightening coil, with its honeyed wetness and the attendant lethargy in her legs, began. It rose like a cresting wave that had Jamie caught up in its swell. All she could do was cling to the bedding and hold her breath in joyous anticipation of the sensations that would rob her temporarily of coherence. And then…the moment arrived. Kell sensed it, too, because he held her tightly to him and ardently flicked his tongue over her exposed bud. He made a sound deep in his throat. The vibration of it put Jamie’s body over the edge. She rode the undulating waves of fiery heat and pleasure until she could take no more.
“Oh, Kell,” she cried out, completely wrung out with passion sated.
Kell relented, now softly kissing her mound and her inner thighs. Jamie opened her eyes and saw him pull up onto his knees. Her gaze locked with his. His breathing was every bit as labored as hers, she noticed. His cheeks were suffused with the blush of desire…and he was hard with wanting her. “You’re beautiful, Jamie. So damn beautiful. When your body responds to me like that, I feel…I feel like—”
“I know.” Jamie held her arms out to him. “You’re good, Kell. My body loves you as much as I do. Come here.”
And he did. Once again he settled on top of her, holding her and kissing her. Jamie returned ardor for ardor. The feel of his weight pressing into her, the scent of his skin…clean, fresh…the way he made love to her as much with his words as with his body inflamed Jamie even more. She shifted her hips and wrapped her legs around Kell’s hips. “I need you, Kell.”
Smiling seductively down at her, he took her mouth in another heated kiss and moved his hips until he was sliding…sliding…sleekly into her. A sigh of fulfillment escaped Jamie and was answered by Kell’s. He ended their kiss at the same time he began the thrusting that never failed to drive Jamie wild. She wrapped her arms around his neck and whispered encouragement. And Kell, like a bull, pushed into her, holding her tightly to him, pounding, ardent, intent…driven. Jamie felt his hardness swell inside her. She knew his moment was close. A second later, he gasped and tensed over her. His thrusts intensified until they were almost a vibration inside her. Jamie immediately increased the pace of her movements against him. When he cried out and stilled, frozen atop her, Jamie was frenzied, helping him, aiding him…until she too exploded and her body took over, clutching at Kell’s hardness with spasms born of pleasure. Together, they rode the wave that took them to paradise.
The moment seemed to last forever and yet not hardly long enough. He collapsed on top of her, his face resting next to hers on the bed. A fine sheen of perspiration coated Jamie’s skin, as it did Kell’s. She relaxed her legs and lay contentedly under him, stroking the nape of his neck. After a few silent moments with only their hard breathing to punctuate the passing seconds, Kell managed to raise himself up and look down at her. He smiled.
“I have a question for you, Dr. Winslow. Seeing how good this feels, why don’t people spend all their time doing this?”
Jamie again wrapped her arms around his neck. “I don’t know, Commander Chance. Maybe because they’d die of the pleasure.”
He nodded. “And maybe because they’d wear certain body parts down to nubs. And that wouldn’t be funny.”
Jamie chuckled, forgetting he was still inside her. He tensed and pulled out. He looked so offended. Jamie loved it. “Sorry. But you’re the one who made me laugh.”
“Teach me, won’t it?” He leered at her. “It felt kind of good, actually. I love it when your body closes around me.”
Jamie shook her head in mock censure. “Stop it. Or you’ll end up with only that nub you’re so worried about.”
“Okay. You know, I don’t think I can take much more of this closure, Jamie. It’s about to kill me.”
Jamie pulled herself up on her elbows, tossing her head back to get her hair out of her eyes. “Don’t mistake this for closure, Kell. It’s not even close. You know—” she paused, frowning “—an awful thing has just occurred to me. Sex may be our problem. It may be what keeps us from coming to some sort of long-term resolution between us.”
“You’re wrong. Sex is never a problem.” Kell’s expression indicated he thought she’d spoken blasphemy. He pointed at her. “You’re very, very wrong, young lady. And you are never to say that again.”
She couldn’t help but laugh. “You know, it’s hard to be serious with you sitting there like some ancient fertility god.” Jamie sat up and scooted to the edge of the bed. “Let’s get dressed. I think we need to talk.”
Kell pitched forward on the bed and lay there, face-down. “Not ‘we need to talk,”’ he moaned. “I hate that almost as much as I do the word closure.”
Jamie stood up and, for a moment, marveled at having a gorgeous man like Kell in her bed—and in her life. On an impulse, she went over and kissed him in the small of his back. “Come on,” she encouraged, giving his firm buttock an appreciative pat. “It won’t be so awful.”
IT WAS, though. It was terrible. They’d been doing so well together earlier…and then had come The Talk. After this, Kell promised himself that he’d never again talk with a psychologist about sex. Because what Jamie was saying was…there would be no more sex.
“Not even if we get married?”
“Kell, be serious.”
They were fully clothed and sitting in the tastefully decorated living room of Jamie’s condo on Bayshore Boulevard. Kell leaned forward to retrieve his beer. Taking a sip, he looked over at Jamie, seeing her troubled eyes and hating that he’d had anything to do with dimming the lights in them. “I am serious.”
She was clearly skeptical. “You are? You’re asking me to marry you?”
He shook his head. “No. I already did that, years ago. The offer still stands.”
“It does? I didn’t know that.” She looked down at the vodka Collins she held and swirled the glass, watching the ice cubes go around in the liquor. A wave of her dark hair fell forward over her shoulder, partially hiding her face from his view.
Kell’s heartstrings san
g. He could watch her forever. Every movement, every gesture, she made was, to him, liquid poetry. He wanted to build his entire world around her. She was everything to him. He wanted her to be the mother of his children. He wanted to learn about love and friendship from her. Kell had to clear his throat before he could respond. “I didn’t know until this moment, either, that my offer still stood, to tell you the truth.”
Jamie tugged her hair behind her ear. “Don’t tease me like this, Kell. It’s not fair.”
“Neither is no sex.”
“I see. Then you don’t agree with me that the sex, which we’re very good at and which we substitute for emotional intimacy, is not what is keeping us from having a successful relationship? You don’t agree that to give ourselves a fair chance we should abstain and work on a coming together of our minds instead of our bodies?”
Kell could only stare at her. “Baby, you’re talking to a man whose profession involves sneaking into hostile territory to spy, then blow up things.” When she looked confused, he added, “I’m saying I have no idea what you just said. Can you explain in English, please?”
“Fine. You want to marry me for sex?”
“Sounds good. Yes. I accept.”
She smacked his arm.
“Ouch. Come on, honey, marriages have happened with a lot less than that going for them. Hell, Jamie, you and I have been together since we were kids. And there’s never been anyone else for either one of us. That has to mean something.” Then he eyed the brown bottle, turning it this way and that, reading the label. “But hell, I’d marry you for this beer. I’ve never seen this brand before. It’s great. Where’d you get it?”
“We’ve gone from marriage to beer.” She exhaled sharply, as if exasperated. “I didn’t get it anywhere. It was just in the refrigerator. I guess Greg left it.”
Kell’s expression hardened. “Who the hell is Greg?”
Jamie shrugged. “Just a guy I dated.”
“I guessed that much. You still see him?” He knew it was none of his business—he and Jamie had split up over a year ago—but he couldn’t stop himself. “Well?”
Jamie gave him an angry look. “Yes, Kell. I spent all afternoon in bed with you, and now I have a date tonight with Greg. What do you think I am?” She pointed a finger at him. “And you be very careful how you answer that, mister.”
Feeling like a lowlife—only now did he realize what he’d accused her of—Kell spread his arms in a gesture of apology. “Hey, I didn’t mean anything like that, Jamie, I swear. I was thinking that I haven’t been back in your life until the past few days, you could have had an ongoing thing with this Greg guy and just hadn’t broken it off yet. That’s all.”
His words hadn’t placated her in the least. That much was evident from the challenging angle of her head. And the sparks of anger lighting her eyes. “That’s not what you meant. But from what you just said, can I assume that you’re asking me to break off seeing other guys and see you exclusively?”
Kell knew he was losing. He may as well go for broke. “Well, hell yeah, at least by the wedding. I think it’s only fair.”
That did it. Jamie stood up and stormed away from him, heading for the closed sliding-glass doors that led out onto the balcony. “You’re not taking this seriously,” she said over her shoulder.
Kell was right behind her. “What makes you say that?” He took her arm and turned her to face him. “Look, I was jealous, okay? I hate the thought of you being with any other guy. Ever. It just kills me inside. I can’t help it, and I’m sorry if that makes you mad. But I won’t apologize for loving you. And you can just sue me if that’s so damn awful.”
He glared into her eyes. She glared right back. Tension crackled through the air like electricity. Kell wondered if Jamie was going to have any reaction at all to his saying he loved her. Just as he gave up on eliciting a response, her expression hardened. “You say the word love, Kell, but usually only when you’re angry or when you’re pushed. In those circumstances, it doesn’t seem like such a warm emotion. So forgive me if I don’t fall at your feet. Besides, I think you have more you want to say. So go ahead, I’m listening.”
He’d already had his say, which had ended with the big L-word. And she’d pretty much thrown that back in his face. But still, if she wanted to hear more…then, fine. “All right—if you’re sure you want to hear this. Because I’ve got a lot of things I’ve held inside over the years. But I’m more than willing to share them with you now.”
With a belligerent set to her mouth, Jamie said, “Ready when you are.”
“Well then, Jamie, have you ever thought about this? All our lives, I’ve been the one who didn’t walk away. I was the one who stayed, the one who was there for you.”
“I know that, Kell.”
“I don’t think you do, Jamie. I think you have me mixed up with your father.”
She narrowed her eyes. “Make your point and move on, Kellan David Chance.”
He knew this was dangerous ground, but he was determined to have it out with her once and for all. “My point is I’m not your father. I’m not the one who took off on you and your family.”
Tears sprang to her eyes. “It was our fault, Kell. Mine and yours. Daddy caught us kissing and then he fought with Mama and left.”
She sounded like a little girl. A hurt little girl. “Jamie, you have got to get over that. You’re an adult now. Can’t you understand what happened? Or are you too close to it? Honey, even I remember your folks fighting long before that day. And more than once. I remember not being more than twelve when you came running to my house with tears streaming down your face because they were having one hell of an argument. Remember? Jamie, it was never going to work between them. You didn’t cause him to leave. But I’ll tell you this—I’m damn tired of paying for it.”
Jamie shook a finger in his face. “Don’t you go there, Kell. I swear to you, don’t…you…go…there.”
“I’m already there, Jamie. Because that is exactly what the unspoken thing between us always is. Your father. You don’t trust men because of what he did. And I agree, it was pretty awful. I know it was tough because I was there when it happened. And I know it’s still hard to face. But you have to, Jamie. You ought to start there for your closure and not hold every other man on the planet accountable for what one man did.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Her hands were fisted, her face was a pale warning for him to stop.
“Like hell I don’t. And ever since he left, I’ve never been able to get ‘forever’ out of you.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Hell, the only way I’ve been able to breathe so far is by clinging to the hope that the day would come when you’d realize I won’t abandon you, that we’re supposed to be together for the rest of our lives. But its starting to look like that day will never come.”
She stared silently at him. When she finally spoke, her voice was flat. “You’re right. It may not.”
Challenged, Kell proceeded. “Is that so? Then I have nothing to lose by speaking my mind, do I?”
“You’ve been doing a fine job of it so far. Don’t stop now. This is very enlightening.”
“Well, good.” Suddenly Kell was beyond angry. He gave in to his passion for her—and his dawning awareness of the futility of it all. “I have allowed you to jerk me around since I was in high school, Jamie, because I love you. But damn, you act as if my loving you is some sort of curse. How many times have I put my life and problems on hold to be at your beck and call?”
“A better question might be how many times have you put your life on the line, Kell. That’s always been our biggest problem, the way I see it. Talk about abandonment issues. I’d definitely be alone if you got yourself killed. Do you think maybe that could be a part of my problem with commitment?”
“I might believe it was me and the way I live my life that was the problem, Jamie…if you’d married someone else.”
That stopped her. She stood there, staring at him,
her eyes rounded with what he hoped was a dose of self-realization.
Not that it made him feel any better to win that point. Kell exhaled his frustration. “Look, Jamie, I’m not as good with words and emotions as you are. And I know I’m making a mess of things. But all I can say is I keep trying because I love the hell out of you. And I won’t give up until you tell me I don’t have a chance. In the meantime, I’ll keep going with you to your therapist, I’ll keep bringing you flowers and stupid cards—”
“I don’t think it was stupid.”
Could her words indicate a crack in her armor? “You must. It’s still over on the table. And it’s unopened, as far as I can tell.”
“It’s not unopened. I read it. It’s a beautiful card. And if you’ll go check, you’ll see the envelope is just turned over the wrong way.”
That made him feel a little better. “Well, good. But where are the flowers?” He made a show of looking around the big room. “I don’t see them. Did you smell them and throw them away?”
“No. I put them in my office. In a beautiful vase, Kell. You can go check, if you want.”
Kell was thoroughly demoralized now. “Jamie, you know what? I can’t do this anymore. I’ll have a heart attack or something. All I can tell you is I love you, I want to marry you and have babies with you. You know…steps one, two and three. It’s that simple to me. But not to you. And I don’t know why.”
He was finished. His anger, his strength…his hope…drained out of him, leaving him weak. For the longest time, he couldn’t seem to look—or walk—away from her. Knowing on some level that he’d gone too far, he shook his head. He hated this moment as much as he loved her. He stalked over to the dining-room table and put the beer bottle on it. “I’ve got to get out of here,” he muttered.
He headed for the front door, each step taking him farther away from where he’d left his heart…with Jamie. But she didn’t try to stop him. That was answer enough for him. What a fool he’d been to think she was different now. And what a fool he was for allowing himself to be used again. He jerked the front door open and turned to look at her. She still hadn’t moved, but she looked stricken. Still, he couldn’t trust the emotion he saw there.
Her Only Chance Page 10
