Her Only Chance

by Cheryl Anne Porter

  “Good. Then quit making Kell pay for his part in that.”

  Jamie swallowed the lump on her throat. “Kell yelled that same thing at me several nights ago.”

  “Then listen to him. And to me.” Donna’s voice was pleading yet calm. Almost motherly. “Honey, I love you and I want to see you happy. And I know you love Kellan. So I’m just going to say this. Don’t let that man slip through your fingers. Say yes to him.”

  Jamie couldn’t say anything. She stared at the ceiling above her and watched it become a blur, thanks to her welling tears. A sniff escaped her.

  “Look,” Donna said, “I know you have to go to your therapy appointment, so I’ll let you go. Just remember what I said, Jamie. You’re going after your dreams in the other areas of your life, and I’m proud of you. That’s good. But don’t stop there. In this instance, lead with your heart. It’s better than your mind. And everything else will follow. One action leads to another. Take that first step.”

  “SO, YOU DIDN’T wake up in Las Vegas?” Dr. Hampton asked.

  “Short answer…no. We’d probably still be there if we’d gone. That was just a couple of nights ago.”

  “I see. And how do you feel about not being there?”

  “Like I broke a promise to a friend.”

  “I’m not sure I understand, Commander Chance.”

  Kell shrugged, downplaying his own comment. “It was nothing. I have a good friend who told me I should ask Jamie to marry me. I did. She wouldn’t.” He shrugged. “So I feel like I let him down.”

  “Him? Or yourself?”

  Kell met the therapist’s gaze. “Both, I guess.” He sat upright, grimacing as he rubbed his leg.

  “Does your thigh still hurt?”

  “No.”

  “You were rubbing it as if it did.”

  “It’s just sore. I got the stitches out a few days ago. The feeling’s coming back to the nerves.”

  “That’s a good sign. Then everything’s healing as it should?”

  “Yeah. It’s fine.”

  “You mentioned your friend just a moment ago. Would that be Jeff, the one you said was in the hospital?”

  “Yeah. Jeff’s fine…well, better. He’s still in the hospital, but at least up and around now.”

  “That’s good news.”

  Kell grinned. “And his wife, Melanie, is expecting their first baby. They just found out.”

  “That’s wonderful. You seem close to them.”

  “I am. I love Jeff like he’s my brother. And Melanie…well, she’s a sweetheart.”

  Dr. Hampton nodded and stared Kell’s way…and waited. Kell had no idea what he was waiting for. But he had to call on his rigorous training to steel himself against the urge to squirm under this slight, bearded man’s silent scrutiny. Finally, the silence got to Kell. “You okay, Doc?”

  He nodded. “I am. I’m just wondering why you’re here.”

  Kell made a broad gesture. “To talk, obviously.”

  “Of course. But it’s my understanding from colleagues familiar with the Special Forces that you routinely undergo psychiatric evaluation out at the base.”

  “We do. It’s as tough as the physical training. It’s what keeps us safe. We don’t go off half-cocked on a mission. It’s all about being so damn good at what we do that we don’t fail—” But he had failed. Kell lapsed into silence.

  It wasn’t lost on Dr. Hampton. “And yet sometimes thing go awry, don’t they? Despite all the training and expertise.”

  “Yes. They do.” Kell’s words were terse, crisp—just the opposite of Dr. Hampton’s quiet and soothing voice.

  “And that’s when you go in to talk to the psychiatrists at the base.”

  Suddenly this man was the enemy. “No. We have to go in for debriefing after every mission, regardless of the outcome.”

  “I see. And you’ve been on many missions.”

  “Yes. What’s your point?”

  “My point, Commander Chance, is you should be used to answering questions about your feelings. And yet you’re avoiding doing just that.”

  Kell shrugged. “I didn’t think I was. But I don’t talk to the military headshrinkers about things like this.”

  Dr. Hampton frowned. “So, what’s the point?”

  This was a subject he knew. Kell sat forward. “The point is to get cleared to go out on the next mission. You don’t get cleared, you don’t have a career.”

  “You feel passionately about this, don’t you?”

  “Hell, yes. Look, the service has spent millions of dollars on our training and equipment. We know that. And we have a mission. So we tell the shrinks we’re fine. They tell our commanders we’re fine. Everyone’s happy, and we’re back out in the field doing what it is we do best.”

  “I see. And what is that…what you do best?”

  Kell sat back and quirked a corner of his mouth. “Well, I could tell you…but then I’d have to kill you.”

  Dr. Hampton’s eyebrows shot up in alarm.

  “Relax. It’s just a joke. But seriously, most of my work is classified. I can’t talk about it with you. See, I can talk about the missions with the military doctors, and how I feel about what I did and what happened. But not my personal feelings on other subjects. That’s harder.”

  “Of course. Will you excuse me a moment? I need to write some of this down.” Dr. Hampton spent the next few minutes making notes. Kell frowned and watched him—and fought the urge to lean forward to see what he was writing. Finally, the older man looked up at him. “Thank you. Now, let’s talk about your personal feelings. How are you and Jamie doing now, today?”

  Kell shrugged. “Fine.”

  Dr. Hampton eyed him. Then, with very precise movements, the psychiatrist put his notepad and pen on the low table next to him. He folded his hands in his lap and stared a hole through Kell. “That’s the same evasive answer you just told me you give to the psychiatrists out at the base. You’re wasting my time and your money, Commander.”

  Kell met the man’s steady gaze…and saw a strength of will there that matched his own. He sighed and let loose his reticence. “All right. Point taken. Jamie and I aren’t doing well at all. I don’t think we’re going to make it.”

  Kell watched Dr. Hampton assess him and then pick up his notepad and pen. Surprising to Kell was how relieved he was that the man had. “So,” the doctor said. “Tell me why you think that you won’t make it.”

  “Because she won’t marry me. That would be closure, wouldn’t it, if we got married?”

  “Well, certainly. But only if it was for the right reason.”

  “Which would be for love, right?”

  “Yes, I suppose. But a lot of times, two people—”

  “Look, I don’t want to hear any buts. I love her and she loves me. Yet she won’t marry me. I even proposed to her on a moonlit beach and we made love and she still said no. What’s wrong with two people, Doc, who make love and then fight right after?”

  “Nothing. It’s entirely normal. It’s a way of reestablishing boundaries following such intense intimacy.”

  Kell nodded. “I see. Like personal space.”

  “Exactly.”

  “Well, she’s getting plenty now. Stupidly I told her last Friday that if she didn’t give me a yes then, I was rescinding my proposal.”

  “I see. And did you?”

  Kell shrugged. “Not really. But now she’s turned it around on me. I haven’t heard a word from her since Friday. She won’t take my calls or answer her buzzer to let me in when I go over to her place. I’ve called her friends. They tell me they haven’t heard from her. It may be true, but the bottom line remains I’m shut off. What the hell am I supposed to think, Doc? What should I do?”

  “Are you asking me?”

  “Hell yes, I am. Right now you’re my only link to her. You’re the only one who can tell me what she’s thinking.”

  A look of censure came over the older man’s face. “Oh, I’m afraid you’re mi
sinformed, Commander Chance. I can’t tell you anything about Jamie’s state of mind. That’s privileged information. All we—you and I—can and will talk about is your state of mind.”

  “Well, my state of mind is tied up in hers. And she won’t see me or talk to me. So that leaves me where?”

  “I don’t know. I can’t say.”

  “That’s two different conclusions, Dr. Hampton.”

  “You’re right. Allow me to rephrase it. I can’t say because I don’t know what her state of mind is right now.”

  Kell nodded and eyed the man as he mulled that over. “Then she hasn’t been in and you haven’t talked to her since last week, right?”

  “I can’t tell you that, either. I’m sorry.”

  Frustration ate at Kell. About ready to give up, he sat forward and ran a hand through his hair. “I’m not trying to put you on the spot, Dr. Hampton. It’s just that I feel so helpless. I love her. She loves me. When we’re together it’s magic. We have fun. We laugh. I’ve even begun to let her in, to see how I think. She says she loves that, that it’s progress. Then she says no and locks me out. What the hell is going on? What does that indicate to you?”

  “A lot of things, actually. But answer this for me. Did you and Jamie try what I suggested?”

  Kell chuckled. “Yes, we tried. For about ten minutes. But the chemistry got in the way…more than once.”

  Dr. Hampton cleared his throat. “I see. Well, then what happens…once the chemistry is sated?”

  “We talk a bit. Establish some common ground. Then we leave it at that. And one of us walks out. Usually her.”

  Dr. Hampton nodded and stroked his beard…and appeared to be doing a lot of thinking.

  “Tell me something, Doctor.” Dr. Hampton met Kell’s gaze. “Is this normal? I mean for a person with a Ph.D. in psychology. Shouldn’t she be, uh, better at relationships?”

  “Well, it’s not at all unusual in the field, if that’s what you’re asking. As counselors—and Jamie is a superb one, from what I’ve observed—we tend not to apply our expertise to our own relationships, I’m afraid. As if we don’t want to take the job home. There’s nothing worse for a couple than for one to constantly be evaluating the other one. It causes the other person to feel manipulated. So, when it comes to our own personal relationships, we tend to be as, well, clueless as the untrained person is.”

  “I see your point. It’s hard to be objective when you’re in the middle of something that’s tied up in your emotions.”

  “Very well said.”

  “Thanks. But I didn’t mean to imply that I think Jamie wouldn’t be good at her profession. She’s the smartest person I know. And she cares a lot about everything.”

  “That’s been my experience with her, too. She’s very passionate about life and how it should be lived.” Dr. Hampton then surprised Kell by looking at him in a thoughtfully assessing manner. “She’s also very passionate about you.”

  Kell felt as if his heart was on his sleeve. “She is? Then you think there’s a chance she’ll come around and make a commitment to me?”

  “Why is that so important to you? I mean right now, today.”

  Kell gestured his frustration. “Because I love her. I always have, no matter what, no matter how many times she’s walked away. I’ve always believed that if you loved someone, you should marry them and have a life together. Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be?”

  “Certainly.”

  Kell wanted to jump up and scream. “Then, dammit, tell me what’s wrong here. I’ve been talking to her, letting her inside my head—and that is not an easy thing for me to do. I just want all of her, Doc, and I’m willing to put myself on the line for that. Why is that so awful?”

  “I don’t think it’s awful at all. I think it’s wonderful. But I also think that the problem may not be with you.”

  “Which means it’s with Jamie?”

  Dr. Hampton’s smile was sympathetic. “I think so. But I’ve already said more than I should.”

  “No, you haven’t said near enough.” Kell wanted to give up. “She won’t see me or talk to me. Do you see my problem? Where do I go from here?”

  Dr. Hampton studied Kell a moment and then looked at his watch. “You have about five minutes left in your hour, Commander.”

  Hope fled. Kell started to get up. “Keep them for yourself, Doc. Have a cup of coffee on me. I’m through here.”

  “Sit down, Commander Chance.” When Kell did, he said, “Thank you. I’ve been listening to you and watching you. I’ve watched you with Jamie, too. I believe you when you say that you love her. And I know she loves you. And even though I’m not supposed to, well, say or do anything—and I’m not going to—I do also have a special interest in Jamie. She’s a wonderful young woman, and I would love to see her happy.”

  “Me, too.” Excited anticipation, of the same sort that gripped Kell before a deployment, now tightened his stomach. Finally, something he understood. A mission…and Jamie was the target. A moving target. “So what are you saying?”

  “I’m saying that by chance, pure and simple, my next client…were you to talk longer than you should and go over your hour…would be someone you’d run into anyway as you were leaving my office. And it could turn out that you know her, too.”

  Kell grinned. “Dr. Hampton, you’re a stand-up guy.”

  The older man smiled. “Thank you. And now I’m going to ask you to be one, too, not that you haven’t been. But what I want you to do—providing Jamie consents to speak with you—is to promise to use the time productively. Talk. No raised voices. No accusations. A lot of listening. And no touching. Can you do that? I want you to think about it before you answer because this will be a lot of work.”

  Kell thought he already knew his answer. So it surprised him to realize that he did have some questions, some doubts. Did he want to continue to knock his head against the brick wall that was Jamie’s resistance? Was it hopeless? He had to ask himself what he was getting out of all this. Was he happy? Was she? Would she give him a sign that she wanted it to work out this time?

  Suddenly, it occurred to him that she must want it to, or she wouldn’t keep coming back to him. She wouldn’t be so upset that they couldn’t work it out. So the truth was…she couldn’t walk away from him any more than he could walk away from her. Moths to a flame, she’d said. Well, maybe they could learn to control that fire and use it to their advantage.

  Kell nodded. “Okay. I’ve thought about it. And I want to do this.”

  Dr. Hampton grinned broadly. “Excellent, Commander.” He put down his notepad and pen. “Now then, what do you want to talk about for the next few minutes?”

  With excitement and hope coursing through him, Kell crossed his arms over his chest and looked around the diploma-laden office walls. Nothing to talk about there—nothing that he’d understand. He checked the clock hanging on the wall. Five minutes. “So, how about those Buccaneers, huh? Think they’ve got a shot at the Super Bowl this year, Doc?”

  12

  THOUGH TIRED and burned-out emotionally, Jamie sat idly thumbing through a dog-eared magazine while she chatted with Roberta, Dr. Hampton’s grandmotherly secretary. The door to the inner office opened and Dr. Hampton appeared. He smiled at her and raised a hand in silent greeting. Jamie smiled back and opened her mouth to speak…then stopped. Because standing beside Dr. Hampton was the last person she needed to see right now. Kellan Chance.

  The two men, Dr. Hampton and Kell, stood there looking guilty—in Jamie’s estimation—as they glanced around the room. She couldn’t believe this! This was her haven, not his. This felt like a betrayal on both their parts.

  Roberta broke the silence. “Your next appointment is here, Dr. Hampton.”

  Suddenly Jamie realized she was standing. At some point, she’d dropped the magazine, which lay now at her feet. Almost involuntarily, Jamie’s hands fisted at her sides. She stared at the two men. “How did this happen?”

  “He
made an appointment,” Roberta supplied helpfully. “We had a cancellation.”

  Everybody stared at the gray-haired secretary.

  Dr. Hampton gestured to Jamie and then Kell. “Why don’t the both of you come into my office? We can talk in there.”

  Jamie glared at him. “You bet we can.” Jamie stormed toward the two men at full steam. Wordlessly, they parted for her and allowed her to precede them into the low-lit and soothing atmosphere of Dr. Hampton’s treatment room. He closed the door behind them.

  Jamie whipped around. “I’m not sitting on that couch with him.” Her pointing finger stabbed the air in Kell’s direction. Kell pulled back, looking offended.

  Dr. Hampton held up a hand. “No one is asking you to do that, Jamie. Sit where you please. And I must say that your anger seems a bit out of proportion here, more so than the situation warrants.”

  Stung, Jamie’s posture stiffened. “Maybe my anger level does seem inappropriate to you, Dr. Hampton. And you could be right. But it is an honest emotion. And the truth is, I am angry. Very angry.”

  “I see.” Dr. Hampton waved her to the plushly upholstered chair behind her and Kell to the couch. When they were all seated, Dr. Hampton leaned toward Jamie. “Do you want to tell me why you’re angry?”

  Jamie’s gaze betrayed her by going to Kell. Dr. Hampton obviously noticed. “Do you wish for Commander Chance to leave?”

  Suddenly realizing how obnoxious she was acting, Jamie shook her head. “No. He can stay.”

  Kell settled back on the couch. Both men focused on her, waiting for her to explain. Jamie found she couldn’t. She didn’t know where to start. How to start. She feared that tears would soon well in her eyes.

  “Jamie?” Dr. Hampton prompted.

  “I’m sorry,” she said. “I was…gathering my thoughts.” It wasn’t true, but she didn’t feel she was ready to talk about her weekend yet. Or her phone conversation today with Donna. So she went with the situation before her. “It just surprised me to see Kell here and to know that he was talking to you.” Jamie crossed her legs. “I reacted badly, I know. But I couldn’t help feeling the same way I did as a little girl, when someone had snitched on me to my mother.”