His mind would go from one extreme to another. He would start to feel thankful that she wasn’t a distraction and then he would miss her and stand outside her bedroom door thinking about waking her up to talk. He was being so stupid he could slap himself. How could he be so bothered by not being around her? Why did it seem she was avoiding him? He must have done something really bad and not even known it. She must be really pissed at him. He racked his brain at night trying to think of what he had said or done. He’d never been like this with any girl. Usually he was happy for a break. Why didn’t he want a break from Madi? Why did he miss her when he watched TV now? Why was it boring to play video games without her silly questions? What was happening to him? Deep inside, he reminded himself that he needed to stay away from her and that this was a good thing. But then he would see her smiling and talking to Dave or Caleb and wonder why she could talk to them but not him. It was driving him crazy. She was driving him crazy. His attempts to try not to hurt her had obviously backfired. Somehow he had done it while he was trying so damn hard not to. He needed to find out what was wrong and he needed to do it now before he went insane. He missed her and he hoped she missed him too.
Jake sat in a chair near the stage and doodled on a pad of paper. He was distracted and it was so unlike him. It was 2 p.m. and he felt like he was ready to go to bed. He started to feel like he was going mad until he heard a familiar voice which pulled him out of his dark thoughts.
“Hi.”
Jake lifted his head and saw Madi standing next to him. He had to control himself so he didn’t pull her into his arms.
“Those are some, um, interesting notes you have there. New album cover art, perhaps?”
Her smile made his heart flutter. “Are you talking to me again?” He looked down at his hands as he fiddled with his pen, glancing up at her through the tops of his eyes and the messy hair on his forehead. He was worried she would run away from him.
She sat down behind him in a seat and he turned to face her. “What do you mean? Of course I’m talking to you.”
“So, you’re not angry with me anymore?” he asked.
“I was never angry with you,” she said, looking him square in the eye.
“Why have you been avoiding me? Seriously, if I did something or said something to upset you, please just tell me because whatever it was, I’m sure I didn’t mean it.” Jake knew he sounded desperate but he didn’t care. He needed her to talk to him. He reached up and pushed a strand of her hair behind her ear. He just couldn’t help himself.
Her eyes followed his hand and she sighed as her eyes closed briefly before muttering his name. “Jake…” Her eyes traveled to the floor.
“See… you know how you said you can tell when I’m worried about something because I run my hands through my hair? Well I can tell when you are avoiding something, or me, because you look down at the floor.”
“I do?” She smiled and his heart melted.
“Yes,” he sighed. “Please just tell me what’s bothering you and I’ll fix it.”
“It’s not something you can fix. I’m okay. Really, I’m okay.”
“I don’t want you to be okay. I want you to be out of this world happy and floating on air.” Jake waved his hand in a circle.
Madi couldn’t help but laugh at him. “You can’t fix everything.”
“Yes I can.”
“I am happy, see?” Madi gave him the dumbest pretend smile she could and he had to grin.
He studied her for a moment before he said, “You need to promise me something if you want me to let this go.”
“What?” she asked.
“Promise me that from here on out, if I do anything to make you sad or angry or make you feel uncomfortable or like you want to avoid me, that you’ll just be honest with me and tell me. I want to know what’s going on in your head, Madi. I need you to tell me how you feel.” His eyebrows creased as he spoke.
She glanced down at her hands clasped together tightly in her lap before raising her eyes. “I can’t always do that. There are some things I just can’t talk to you about.”
Jake could feel his heart twisting and turning. He had never felt this way before. “You don’t know how much it hurts me for you to say that to me, Madi. I want you to always feel you can trust me and tell me anything. I would never judge you. I would never purposely hurt you.”
“I know that. I really do, but sometimes I just need to work things out on my own.” She could barely meet his gaze.
“So you can talk to Ang or Caleb or Dave, but not me?” Jake realized he sounded like a jealous child but he didn’t give a damn. What the fuck was wrong with him?
“Jake, please… don’t be that way. Honestly, knowing you are upset is just making me upset.”
“So you’re telling me that if I’m not upset, then you won’t be upset?”
“Kind of…”
“So if I’m happy, you’ll be happy?” he asked.
“Maybe…” she grinned at him sideways.
Jake looked at her and gave her the worst pretend smile he could and she burst into laughter. He suddenly wanted to pull her into him and kiss her. He wanted to tell her with his lips that he would take away her pain if he could. He wanted her to know how much she meant to him. But he couldn’t. He knew that he could never be what she needed or what she deserved and he never wanted to be the reason she needed to be fixed.
“I came down here to tell you that your mom called. She wanted me to remind you about dinner tomorrow. Do you know what I’m talking about?”
“Is tomorrow the third?”
“Yes.” Madi smiled.
“Then yes, I know.” He had always enjoyed going to his parents. He didn’t know why he felt so blah about it. “I need you to do something for me tomorrow. Do you have plans?”
“Just a date with the washing machine,” she said with fake enthusiasm.
“Come with me.”
“Where?” she asked.
“To dinner at my parents.”
He could see the strain on her face as she responded, “I couldn’t possibly…”
“Gina will be there,” he encouraged.
“Gina’s great but…”
“My mom’s a great cook.” He smiled.
She sighed, “I’m sure she is but…”
“I went to dinner with your parents.” He knew he was pulling out all the stops and if he kept it up, she might be convinced.
Madi grinned at him. “That’s not fair.”
“I could tell you it was part of the job and make it a work day,” he smirked as he straightened his torso and put on his pretend boss hat.
She smirked back as her face twisted into a playful, though slightly concerned, expression. “You could, but you wouldn’t.”
“I wouldn’t have to if you said you’d go with me.”
She sighed as she started to get up. “Jake, I really have to do laundry.”
“Hmmm…” He stared at her for a moment before pulling out his phone and dialing a number.
“What are you doing?” She sat back down as she reached her hand out to grab his phone away from him. He pulled it away as he spoke, holding up a hand to block her and tell her to wait at the same time.
“Lucy, it’s Jake. Could you stop by tomorrow and pick up some laundry for me? I need it for Monday. I’ll pay you double time since it’s a Sunday. Great, I’ll leave it by the door. Thanks, bye. He turned to Madi, “You were saying?”
She shook her head. “You’re not going to let me out of this are you?”
“Nope.” He felt a weight lift off his shoulders.
She sighed heavily. “Won’t they be upset if you bring a complete stranger to their home? I wouldn’t know what to wear. What is Gina wearing? What are you wearing? Should I bring something? Should I make something or should I grab something at the store? What do they like?” She stood and continued as she paced before him. “Do you know what they’re having because whatever I bring could not go along with di
nner. It is dinner, right? Not lunch? What time did you say? Did you tell me what time? What if I make an ass out of myself? What if I make a bad first impression? What if they don’t like me?”
Jake watched all her emotions play across her face as she shot out question after question without allowing him to answer one before she went on to the next. Her mind was in overdrive. He could see her thoughts buzzing and her analyzing go into full swing. He couldn’t help but smile. She was funny. She was fun. She was Madi. He began to realize just how much he needed her. She made his heart feel whole. He was starting to think it was empty before he met her and that letting her go might very well be the hardest thing he’d ever have to do.
Chapter 30
Madi
Madi glared at herself in front of the bathroom mirror in her third outfit. She had no idea what to wear to Jake’s parents’ house. He had told her to wear something comfortable and that it didn’t matter. That was easy for a man to say. She took a selfie and sent it to Kendra.
Kendra: Nope. I like the second one the best. You’ll be fine. Just be you. Be strong. GTG XOXO
The second one? Madi went back through the pictures she had sent Kendra. It figured that Kendra liked the summer dress best. It was pretty. It was casual, but not too casual, dressy but not over-dressy. Yep, she would wear option number two. She could always count on Kendra’s taste.
After Madi’s breakdown and subsequent breakthrough, Kendra and Ang had been lifesavers. Madi knew she needed some time away from Jake to get herself together and she ended up confiding in Ang that she had feelings for him that she didn’t want to have. Ang completely understood her need for space and after promising it was their secret, she helped Madi distance herself. By Friday afternoon, Ang had told her that she couldn’t cover for her forever and that she could see Jake was starting to wonder what was going on.
Kendra was a big help too. Madi had felt bad for laying so much on her and she was worried Kendra would tell her she was being silly, but Kendra totally understood. She said she could see Madi’s point and would support any and all decisions she made. If she wanted to just be his friend, that was cool. If she changed her mind, that was cool too. Madi had felt stronger day by day. She had really reached inside herself and tried to look at the big picture. She realized that she could not stop caring for Jake, but that she needed to come to grips with the fact that they would never be more than friends and that she might have to stop trying to put his puzzle together, for her own sake.
She had finally gotten the courage to talk to him on Saturday and she almost lost her resolve within minutes. A week’s worth of self-diagnosis and introspection had almost gone out the window with a simple, ‘Are you talking to me again?’
When he had said that he was hurt, Madi felt her heart being ripped in two. One thing became crystal clear to her in that conversation: Jake had a need to fix things and she wasn’t sure why. She tried to look at him as a project, but she felt more invested in him, his needs, and his wants than she had ever felt with any school report. It was hard to pull herself away from him. She even tried to think of herself as an addict. If she were being treated with an addiction, what course would a doctor recommend?
The fact was, no matter how hard she tried, she knew in her heart that what she felt for him was not an addiction. It was something else. As she attempted to deny her feelings for him she turned to the Internet to remind herself of the stages of denial. When none of that worked, she decided that she couldn’t control her feelings. That she needed to embrace the changes in herself as Ang had said and hope for the best. It was a daily struggle and going with him to meet his parents was messing with her thoughts once again. Jake had told her that he knew his parents would love her. She questioned in her mind why he wanted her to meet his parents and then came to the conclusion that it was simply that he wanted company and nothing more. She wasn’t his date, she was his buddy. She could be a buddy. She could totally be a buddy. That was her mantra for the day, “I am a buddy.”
“Mads, almost ready?” he asked after rapping his knuckles lightly on her door.
“Almost, five more minutes.” Madi slipped on her dress and fluffed her hair. She had left it semi wavy but curled the edges. Hopefully, it would hold up in the humidity. She stuffed a hair tie in her purse as backup along with a tube of lipstick. She slipped on wedge sandals before taking one last look in the mirror and heading out. The summer dress was iris blue and off the shoulder which required a strapless bra. It went just above her knees with a slim tie at the waist. Madi hoped Kendra was right when she said it was more sweet than sexy. It was now or never. Madi grabbed her phone and stuffed it in her purse as she made her way out her door and into the kitchen.
Jake was bent down petting Murphy when she walked into the room. He was wearing blue docker shorts and a white polo shirt. He looked up as Madi entered and smiled at her.
“Is this okay?” she asked tentatively.
“This,” he pointed, motioning up and down, “is more than okay.”
“Please be honest, too much or not enough?”
He smiled knowingly at her as if he knew what she needed to hear. “It’s just right. You look beautiful as usual. Honestly, Madi, I think you could get away with a garbage bag.”
Madi sighed and twisted her face. “Are you sure the flowers are enough? I feel bad for not bringing anything else.”
“The flowers are great. Please don’t worry. My family’s just like me. You’ll be fine, I promise.”
Madi couldn’t stop fidgeting in the car. Even Murphy looked annoyed with her from the back seat. She finally put on her sunglasses, leaned back and took a deep breath. When she opened her eyes again she could feel Jake’s gaze on her.
“What?” she said as she sat up, pulling her glasses down her nose and glaring at him.
He shook his head, “Nothing.”
“You were looking at me. I saw you. Honest to God, if I look like crap or if I’m going to embarrass myself you had better tell me right now!”
Jake shook his head and smirked. “I was looking at you because I’ve barely seen you in a week and because you seemed semi relaxed for once. Gina was extremely excited when I told her you were coming.”
Madi smiled at the thought of Gina and relaxed back into the seat, readjusting her sunglasses over her eyes. “Who do you more closely resemble, your mom or dad, because you and Gina don’t look alike at first glance?”
“I look more like my mom and Gina looks like the gardener.”
“Jake!” Madi giggled.
Jake smiled and peered over to her as he spoke. “Gina has the same color hair as my dad and I look like my mom. My parents said they got one of each.”
“Can they sing too?”
“Actually, Gina has a great voice but it’s not really her thing. She’s hoping to get into acting.”
“How old is she by the way?” Madi asked. “I know she’s younger, but by how much?”
“She’s five years younger than me, almost to the day.”
“Were you close growing up?”
Jake’s face seemed to shift with the question. “When she was born I adored her. After a few years she started getting on my nerves. Once I turned fifteen, I pretty much became her defender. I wouldn’t let anyone near her unless I found them worthy.”
“I’m surprised you let me near her then.”
“You are okay in my book.” His expression eased and Madi wondered what had caused it to change in the first place.
“Well thanks, I guess I should feel honored.”
“You should, it’s a small book.”
They shared a brief smile between them. Madi crossed her legs in the seat noting that Jake seemed to stare at her legs briefly before clearing his throat and looking away.
*****
After a forty-five minute drive, they pulled up to a big, fancy gate. “Good afternoon, Jake.” A voice came from a box near the gate and Madi looked up to see security cameras from every angle.
“Hey Mitch, how’s that golf swing?” he asked through the window.
What a beautiful day, Madi thought. The air flowed through the window and Madi could smell the scent of fresh cut grass.
“I’m working on it. I need to spend more time at the range! Have a good day, Jake.” She watched Jake wave to the box and realized Mitch could see him, and probably her, in the car through the cameras all around. The gate opened slowly, pulling each side back from the middle and Jake drove along a tree-lined path to the house.
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