“I know this is asking a lot, but can I please borrow your car? I need to find him. I need to find Jake.”
Ang pulled her keys out and told Madi to be careful. It took her a while. She had to retrace their steps from when Jake had taken her sightseeing. She backtracked multiple times. It was almost four when she saw his car by the hill. She felt relieved when she had found him, but then she worried what she would say to him. She parked the car and climbed the hill. He was sitting on the edge looking out with his forearms resting on his knees. He had a leaf in his hands and he was pulling tiny pieces off as he looked off in the distance. He looked like a lost fifteen-year-old boy and she wanted nothing more than to save him. She walked quietly up behind him. He didn’t hear her until she was super close to him. He turned his head slightly and he must have seen her out of the corner of his eye.
“You found me, huh?”
“I’ve been looking for hours.”
“I guess you have a better memory than I thought.”
Madi stood over him for a moment. “May I sit down?”
He looked up at her through the glare from the sun. “Of course.”
She sat down next to him and then scooted over so that her leg was against his. She tapped him lightly with her leg. He looked at her briefly, made a snuffing sound to acknowledge her, looked back down at the leaf and then back up at the city.
“I should have known you’d find me,” he said sadly.
“Were you hiding from me?”
“No, I was hiding from me.”
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to say it. I didn’t want you to hear it,” Madi could feel the tears threaten her eyes once again.
“It’s not your fault,” he said as he nudged her. “You were just repeating what the fucker said to you. I’m sorry you had to go through so much. I’m sorry I left the way I did.”
“Why did you leave?” she asked.
“I just didn’t want anyone to see me like this. I just need a little time and I’ll be fine. ”
“Please tell me what you’re thinking.”
He looked down at her and took her hand. He turned it over and ran his fingers along her wrist. “Does it hurt?”
“Not when you touch it.”
“Madi, why do you always say things like that?”
“Like what?”
“Things to make me think I’m not hurting you.”
“Because you’re not. Do think for one second I would hold back if I was angry with you or if I thought you had done something wrong? Have I ever held back before? Have I not told you when I thought you were an ass, or a prick, or when I wanted you to fuck off? If you hurt me, do think I would refrain from letting you know?”
He whiffed in jest, “I suppose not. You do have a way with words.”
“Yes I do. You’ve never hurt me.”
“Never?” he asked quizzically.
She sighed. “You know what I mean.”
“Do I? Do I, Madi?” He turned toward her. “I’m not good for you to be around. I’m not a good person. I hurt everyone I care for in one way or another and you, you’re no exception. I’m cursed, Mads. I’m fucking cursed and that’s why you need to just go home to Chicago and pretend you never met me.”
She reached her hand out to grab his arm. “Stop this right now. I’m not going home. I’m staying right here and I’m staying with you.”
He gently pulled away. “I don’t want you to stay with me. I want you to go home.”
“No you don’t. Look me in the eyes and tell me you want me to go home. That you don’t want me around anymore.”
Jake turned toward her and started to speak before looking away.
“I knew it,” she said proudly.
‘You think you’re so smart, don’t you? You think you have me figured out. You think you can save me? You think there are some magic words that you can say that will make everything better? I can tell you, there is nothing that you could say that could make me feel better right now.”
“You can yell at me, you can tell me to kiss off and you can try to send me away, but I’m not going anywhere. I will stay here with you whether you want me or not and I can tell you this: there is nothing you could say or do to make me leave you right now or ever.”
Jake shook his head and stared out. Madi didn’t say another word. They sat there in silence for a long time. The tree behind him started to shade them and Madi wrapped her arms around herself. Jake looked over at her, got up and walked toward his car.
“Great. You’re just going to leave? Well I have no idea where I am or how to get back so I guess I’ll see you later.” Madi heard his car door open and close. He walked back over to her and put a blanket over her shoulders.
“Oh, thanks.”
“You’re feisty today,” he said with raised eyebrows.
Madi glanced at him and he smiled at her as he sat back down next to her. “Do you know how good you are to me?” she asked.
Jake sighed.
“You take such good care of me and everyone else. Gina, your parents, Ang… Who takes care of you? Who takes care of Jake?”
Jake looked over to her and raised his eyebrows, “Murphy.”
“Really, that’s the best you’ve got?”
He laughed and nudged her.
“I want to take care of you. Will you please let me?”
“I’m fine,” he said confidently. “There’s nothing I need.”
“You are so not fine,” she said. “Please talk to me. I swear to you on my life, you can trust me. I will always be here for you, always.”
He turned toward her as he said, “You’re so damn sweet and I appreciate you more than you know, but I feel better. I’m fine. Let’s go back. I have work to do.”
He started to get up and Madi slid her hands through her hair. Why, why would he not let her help him? It had been such a hard day and now she just didn’t know what to do anymore.
“You know you’re going to go bald if you keep doing that,” Jake said with a laugh.
Madi said nothing. She buried her face in her hands. “I know you’re laughing under those hands,” he said with a teasing voice. “I know you’re trying to hide your face from me because you don’t want me to know how funny I am.” Madi still didn’t move. Jake crouched in front of her and gently pulled her hands from her face. Madi was crying.
Jake
Instead of the smile he had expected, he saw her tears. It ripped him in two. He knelt next to her and took her hand. “Why are you crying?”
Madi shook her head and pulled away from him. “Why don’t you go ahead and go back. I’ll be right there.”
He sat back on his heels. “Seriously? You just told me like three minutes ago that you had no idea where you were. You think I’m going to leave you?”
“I was lying. I’ll be fine. Just go.” Madi motioned for him to go as if she were swatting away a bug from her face.
“Are you trying to get rid of me?”
“Yes,” she stated matter-of-factly.
“Why?”
“Just go,” she said in an exasperated huff. “Go back to your work and your lies and your misconstrued ideas about who you are and what you’ve done.”
“Ouch,” he said with a chuckle.
“I’m glad you think this is funny. I’m sitting here crying and you just continue to make jokes.”
“It is a little a funny, don’t you think? I’m just trying to make you smile.”
She stood up and yelled down to him. “Just go!”
“Madi…” He jumped up and put his hands on her arms. I’m not leaving you here.”
“Fine.” She stomped off toward Ang’s car and got in, slamming the door.
Jake stared after her. She wouldn’t look up at him. She was still crying. He ran his hands through his hair and could feel frustration taking over. What was he supposed to do now? She was infuriating. He didn’t want her driving angry. That was the last thing he wanted. Panic set in and he ran to her
car. “Madi, get out. Get out right now!”
She started the car. Tears were still streaming down her face.
“Dammit Madi, no! Please don’t!”
Madi tried to move the car and he stood in front of it with his hands on the hood. Madi turned the car off, got out, and marched over to him. “You don’t want me to stay, but you don’t want me to go? What do you want, Jake?”
“I don’t want you to drive when you’re upset.”
“I’m fine. Let’s go.” She turned toward the car.
“No.” He grabbed her arm and pulled her back. I’ll drive. You can come with me.”
“I’m not leaving Ang’s car here.”
“You’re not driving,” he said fervently.
“I’m not a child, Jake. You can’t tell me what I can and can’t do.”
“I’m not telling you, I’m asking you. Please don’t drive when you’re mad.”
Madi twirled Ang’s key around her finger as she turned back toward the car. “Well I’m not going to calm down anytime soon so...”
“No!” He reached for her and pulled her back forcibly. He could feel himself falling apart. He could feel the pain rip through his chest. He could almost see her, stuck inside the car, bleeding, with no way to get out.
Chapter 39
Madi
There was something in his eyes that told her this was big. “What is it?”
“Please,” he pleaded. “Stay. Don’t… don’t get in the car.”
“I’ll be fine,” she reassured. “I’ll just follow you, okay?”
“No… I don’t want you to drive. You’ll die. I don’t want you to die.” Jake started to pace and his hands gripped his hair.
“What are you talking about?” He was starting to frighten her. She’d never seen him like this before. He was always in control.
“I can’t lose you. Not you. You can’t drive. Please promise me you won’t drive away when you’re upset with me.”
Madi was at a loss. What was happening? Why was he so upset about her driving? What did he mean she would die? “Look at me.” She pulled his arm forcing him to face her. “I’m not going to die. I’m right here.” She tried to smile at him but his face was unreachable. He was somewhere else. “Talk to me. Why do you think I would die if I drove?”
“You’re upset. You’re mad at me.” He looked past her as he spoke like he was talking to someone else.
“I’ve been mad at you before. What’s going on? You’re scaring me.”
Jake’s hands ran through his hair as he turned back toward her. He seemed to finally see her and come back from whatever place he had been. His face creased as he took a deep breath. “Just stay with me. Don’t leave.”
Madi furrowed her eyes as she tried to read his mind. How could she reach him? How could she get him to talk to her? “Why are you worried about me driving when I’m angry with you? I don’t understand.”
“Don’t analyze… Just sit with me.”
Jake sat down on the hill and motioned for Madi to join him. There was a nervousness about him that Madi hadn’t seen before. She sat down next to him and took his hand in hers, noting his breath hitched as she touched him. She ran her fingers over his, staring down at how such strong hands could belong to someone with so many fears. “Do you feel like you know me?” Madi asked.
Jake lifted his eyes from their hands and studied her face. “I think so.”
“Do you feel like I know you?”
The corner of his mouth curled up into a grin and Madi caught her own breath. “Better than most,” Jake replied.
“Do you trust me? I mean really, trust me?”
“What do you mean, Mads?”
“Do you think that I would tell anyone the things that you said to me, ever? Do you believe me when I tell you that I would never want to cause you pain?”
Jake smiled. “I do trust you. There are things I’ve told you that I’ve never shared with anyone. Yesterday, when that fucker attacked you… You were worried about me. In the moment when you should have been scared, you were thinking about me. You wouldn’t go to the hospital because of the press. Because you were concerned for me. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? I’ve never met anyone who thought so selflessly about other people. I saw something in you yesterday that I hadn’t taken the time to see before, but it was always there. You think about everyone else first. You are the least selfish person I have ever met. You make me want to be better. You make me want to deserve someone like you.”
Madi could feel the tears threatening her eyes. She loved him so deeply. “The man that you are… you’re amazing. Don’t you see? You make me who I am. Being around you makes me stronger.”
Jake sighed and turned away. Madi knew he didn’t believe her.
Jake brought their hands to rest on his lap. He opened Madi’s hand and traced the contours of her palm. “How can someone be so tender on the outside and stronger than most on the inside? You really are one of the most solid people I have ever met in my life.”
As Madi looked at him, she could see the pain in his eyes. He lifted her hand to his mouth and gently kissed her palm. She moved her hand from his lips to turn his head to face her.
“Tell me about Tessa. Don’t make me beg you. Don’t turn this into a fight. Just trust me enough to tell me why I feel Tessa and my not driving angry have something to do with each other.”
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “It’s hard for me. It’s not that I don’t trust you. You put me up on this pedestal that I don’t deserve to be on. I wish I deserved to be looked at the way you look at me. I’m selfish. I was selfish with Gina and I was selfish with Tessa. I don’t want to be selfish with you.”
“You said you think I’m strong. Do you really believe that?” Madi asked.
Jake flinched at her question. “Of course I do.”
“You’ve been carrying around all these feelings for years, Jake. You can’t carry this pain and expect it not to hurt. Put the pain down for one minute and take a step back from it. Is it possible that its reason for surviving this long is because you keep feeding it with guilt? You’re punishing yourself over and over. No one deserves that.”
“I don’t know how to let it go,” he replied.
“You’ve been carrying it all alone for so long. Let me help you with your burden. Let me give my strength to you. After you put it down for a while, if you still want to pick it back up then I’ll help you carry it. We can work through this together. Friends help you carry the load. Sometimes sharing it makes it lighter in more ways than one.”
“It’s not easy for me to share,” Jake said as he inhaled deeply.
“I know it’s hard. If it’s too much, I won’t push you. Just know I’m here for you. I won’t judge you and I won’t leave, no matter what you say.”
Jake turned his head as he looked into her eyes. He ran his hand over the stubble on his chin, then up through his hair. He took a deep breath as he looked up at the sky before turning his body toward her. He searched her eyes once again. He looked conflicted. He recoiled briefly and glanced off in the distance before he hesitantly began to speak.
“Tessa and I dated for almost six months. Right as my career started to take off, I was spending more time working than with her. She wanted my attention. She was supportive and kind, but she wanted more of me than I had to give. I don’t know why, but I felt like she was holding me back. I couldn’t focus because I was worrying about her being angry. She told me she loved me and I just didn’t feel it. I cared about her, but love? I wasn’t sure that’s what I felt for her. Do you know what I mean?”
“I do,” Madi said. “That’s a tough position to be in.”
“I came up here to think and she followed me. I told her I needed some space but she wouldn’t let it go. After she pressed me, I shouted that I wanted to break up. I told her I needed to work and that I didn’t feel like she understood. She begged me not to do it. She swore she’d try harder. I just could
n’t shake the feeling that I needed to be away from her. Not once did I think about what she needed. Not once.”
“Ending a relationship is never easy.” Madi softly touched his back as he spoke.
“It’s not just that. I didn’t think about what I was doing to her. All I could think about was getting her to leave me alone. She started to cry and it started to rain at almost the same time. Her eyes were flooded with water, but I knew the drops falling down her face were because of me, not the rain. There was so much pain there. I started to feel bad for what I had said and how I’d said it. I considered trying to make it work, but she wouldn’t let me speak. She told me I was selfish and that I wasn’t thinking about how much time she’d invested in me and how much she had given to me. She told me she hated me. She jumped in her car and started to pull away.”
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