“Oh, Freddie. I do like you so much.” She hesitated, then, “I am thinking I might train to be a children’s nurse.”
“A worthwhile project, my dear – until you have children of your own. You may not think it yet, but you will probably want a family one day. I am not sure the two are completely compatible, but there are other things you could do to help. Your mother is an example to us all – a fine woman.”
“Yes, Mummy is marvellous.”
Christine believed she knew what he was thinking. He wouldn’t want his wife to go on working after they were married, though he would be quite prepared for her to take on voluntary work.
Simon’s accident had left Christine feeling unsure of what she truly wanted. It was too painful to think of anything much and she drifted towards the day of the funeral in a daze. Her own life could wait for the moment. The least she could do was to grieve for her friend for a little while, because he had been her friend even if they had quarrelled.
Helene elected to stay behind at Penhallows when Christine and Beth went up to town for the funeral.
“Caro won’t want me there,” she said when Christine asked her to go with them. “Besides, I have something I want to do – and Jack has given me an ultimatum. I have to say yes or no. I need a little time to decide.”
“I hope you do marry him, Helene. I resented your being here at first, and felt that you had taken both Jack and Simon away from me. Now I see that it wasn’t all your fault. They are grown men and should have known what they were doing.”
“You are generous. I made a mistake. I wish I hadn’t encouraged Simon, because I knew I could never marry him. I am not sure I want to marry Jack either, but I am going to give him an answer soon.”
Christine was glad that she and Helene were no longer hostile towards one another. A part of her hoped that Helene would marry Jack, and yet her heart ached for Simon. And she knew that Helene must be suffering too, though she hadn’t said anything, perhaps because she felt everyone was blaming her for making Simon so unhappy before he died.
Christine placed a single white rose on Simon’s coffin as it lay in state in the back parlour draped with the English flag and the colours of his regiment. She stood there alone for a few moments, her throat caught with tears as she whispered her words of apology and regret.
“I am so very, very sorry, Simon.”
She wept silently throughout the ceremony, and Freddie gave her his handkerchief, smiling reassuringly at her as she turned her wan face towards him.
She wasn’t sure she could have got through the rest of it without him. It was sheer torture at Caro’s, as everyone made sympathetic noises and said how tragic the accident had been, what a waste of a young man’s life
“Would you like to leave now?” Freddie asked her when some of the guests had started to depart. “We could go for a drive into the country and perhaps stop for a quiet meal at a little pub somewhere.”
“Could we?” Christine gave him a watery smile. “Will I do like this – or should I go back to the hotel and change?”
“You are fine as you are. It’s a pleasant afternoon. Let’s just slip away now. I’ll have a word with Beth so she won’t worry if we are not back until quite late.”
“Thank you. I think I’ll just go and wash my face, and then I’ll be ready. I ought to say goodbye to Caro…”
“I think that’s a good idea of Freddie’s,” Caro told her when she came back downstairs and kissed her cheek. “This has been an ordeal for all of us, but now we must start to think of the future again.”
She was so brave! Christine’s heart went out to her, knowing that she must be hurting so much inside.
“Yes, I expect you are right,” she said. “Goodbye then, Caro. And I do love you.”
“Caro was so brave, wasn’t she?” Christine looked across the dining table at Freddie as they sat in the pleasant little pub they had chosen for their meal. “I don’t think I could ever be that brave.”
“I expect she is different when she’s alone with Rupert,” Freddie said. “But I think she knew Simon was neither happy nor well. I am not suggesting for a moment that it was anything but an accident – but if he had been less caught up by his emotions it might never have happened.”
“Simon was moody from the start, even before he met Helene. I think it was a part of all that happened to him in the war.”
“Yes. I think we have to make allowances for him, though in my day gentlemen would not have allowed such unpleasantness to disturb the ladies. But then, I am a generation older…”
“You aren’t that old,” Christine said with a teasing smile. “Besides, I like older men.”
“Do you?” He arched his brows and looked. “Then perhaps one day I shall ask you to marry me – if you think you might like that?”
“I think perhaps I should…” Christine looked down at her coffee cup, a faint blush in her cheeks. She spoke impulsively, never really understanding afterwards where the words had come from. “This is going to sound perfectly dreadful and you will think I’m quite shameless…”
“Shameless?” He gave her a quizzing smile. “I can’t imagine what you are thinking, Christine – pray do not keep me in suspense…”
“Would you teach me…” She broke off, the flush sweeping up her neck in a hot tide as the enormity of what she was about to ask dawned on her, but still determined to go through with it now she had started. “I know this is very forward of me – but would you take me to bed, Freddie? Would you make love to me please?”
He looked startled, then amused. “Are you sure you meant to say that, Christine? Or shall I pretend I didn’t hear?”
“Please don’t. It was very difficult to say – and I might not have the courage to proposition you again.”
“What a delightful word coming from you. It isn’t the first time I’ve been propositioned, but I can honestly say that the invitation has never been more welcome.”
“You mean you would like…” She gave a gurgle of laughter. “What an idiot I am! You will think me so naïve.”
“I think you charming, and lovely – and I am entirely at your disposal. Tell me – how shall we arrange this affair? Shall you come up to town for a few days and visit me in the afternoons – or would you like to begin now?”
“Are you teasing me?”
“Just a little, my darling – because I don’t want to embarrass you. Given my own inclinations I should like to book a room here this evening…”
“Could we do that please? I might not have the courage to go through with it otherwise – and I want to learn about things…”
“Then I shall make the necessary arrangements. Don’t worry about your mother, I’ll phone her and say we’ve decided to stay away for a couple of days to help you get over your distress. I am sure she will understand.”
“Oh yes, Mummy won’t worry if I am with you.”
Christine watched as Freddie went to the reception, confirming a reservation before making a couple of telephone calls. She was trembling inside, and yet she knew she wasn’t going to cut and run. She was tired of being a naïve child, and she wanted to know what it felt like to be a woman…
Did she look any different? Christine stared at her reflection in the hotel dressing mirror, a smile of satisfaction on her lips as she let her mind drift back to the previous evening. Freddie’s lovemaking had been a revelation to her, far more exciting and pleasurable than she had ever imagined it could be.
Deciding she couldn’t see any change, Christine went back to bed, relaxing against the pillows and closing her eyes. She was feeling deliciously relaxed, much of the tension of recent weeks having left her. She licked her bottom lip with the tip of her tongue, relishing the slight tenderness. Freddie had been increasingly passionate as the night wore on.
She opened her eyes as something touched her face. Freddie was smiling down at her. He was wearing a towelling robe provided by the hotel and she could smell the freshness of soap on him
as he bent to kiss her. She sat up, blushing because she knew that she was naked apart from a thin coverlet and felt a foolish shyness. Somehow it had been different the previous evening.
“I was afraid you might turn chilly as you slept. It was a pity to wake you – but we ought to be getting back. Unless you would prefer me to send you home on the train?”
“No, of course not. Why should I? It won’t take me long to dress.”
“There’s no real hurry, Christine. I’ve cancelled my appointments for the day. I think we should let Beth into our secret – don’t you? You do remember I asked you to marry me at sometime in the future and you said yes? I was talking of our engagement, Christine.”
She frowned as she struggled to remember. Had she promised to marry him? She remembered he’d mentioned a possible proposal – just before she’d made her own shameless proposition.
She supposed that in a way she had agreed that she would like to marry him one day, and perhaps that was why he had agreed to make the reservation at the hotel. Being the gentleman he was, he would probably have refused to take advantage of her had he not believed she had already promised to be his wife.
Well, why not? Perhaps it wasn’t a great love affair, but her experience of love had led her to believe that it was painful to care too much. An affectionate relationship might turn out to be more agreeable in the long run. She discovered that she didn’t mind the idea of marrying Freddie at all. If he always made love to her in the way he had the previous night, she would be quite content, and she found herself agreeing, feeling too content and languid to point out that she had only said she might like to marry him.
“Yes, perhaps we should,” she said and reached out to put her arms about him. “Thank you for being so patient with me, darling Freddie. I know I’m just a silly girl, but you made me very happy last night.”
“Oh my dear,” Freddie said, his voice husky with passion. “You are a very lovely woman. It was just that you didn’t know it – you didn’t realise what being a woman meant.”
His hand stroked her cheek, moving over her shoulder and across to her firm young breasts. They were full and round, tipped with large rose coloured nipples. He bent his head, lapping them with his tongue, taking first one and then the other into his mouth, pulling slightly with his teeth but gently so that he did not hurt her.
Christine gasped as the fire shot through her again. She slid her fingers up into his hair, her body arching towards him, offering her body to him with a willingness that came from natural, uninhibited desire.
She was a creature of fire as he lavished her with skilful, tender caresses, bringing her swiftly to an exquisite climax. The previous night she had discovered the woman within her – an exceptional woman, who needed this wonderful sense of release as much as any man, a woman of passion and deep feeling, of generous giving, now she began fully to understand just what that meant.
“Oh, Freddie,” she whispered throatily as she lay in his arms after they had made love once again. “Thank you…thank you for teaching me…for showing me that I could feel like this.”
“It was always there inside you. You needed very little teaching, my dear.”
“But I couldn’t have been like this with anyone else,” she said. “You are the only person who has ever been so kind and understanding to me – the only man I could trust not to hurt me.”
Freddie watched her as she rose naked from the bed and reached for the dressing robe he had discarded earlier. His face was thoughtful as he reflected on what had happened, and he wondered just how long he would be able to keep this woman for himself.
It would be wrong to put chains on her. She deserved more than a man of his years could give her, and if they married she would tire of him one day – and then she would take a lover. If he were sensible he would let her go, and yet she made him feel so young. He knew that he would take this time, and when it was over…ah, then…then he would let her go.
“This is rather sudden, isn’t it?” Beth looked from her daughter to Freddie as she struggled without much success to hide her doubts. “I thought you had other plans, Christine?”
“Oh, the nursing…” Christine frowned. “Yes. I’ve talked to Freddie about that, and he says I could do voluntary work at a children’s hospice he finances, and I think that would probably do, Mummy. After all, I shall want children of my own.”
“I am chairman of the board of a rather pleasant private hospital for very sick children,” Freddie explained. “We are always needing voluntary staff to help out – play with the children, read to them, perhaps bath and feed them. Christine would be warmly welcomed.”
“Yes, I am sure she would,” Beth agreed. “It’s just that I thought she had something else in mind.”
“Yes, I did. But I wasn’t sure after…after Simon’s accident. Now that I’ve agreed to marry Freddie it doesn’t seem worth enrolling, because I would have to give up before I'd finished my training.”
“When were you thinking of getting married?” Beth frowned. “I couldn’t agree to anything too sudden, Christine. Especially after Simon’s accident – that would make it look as if you hadn’t cared at all.”
“No, we realise that,” Freddie replied easily. “What we were hoping for was an engagement at Christmas and a wedding in January.”
“Well, I suppose that might be all right,” Beth said. “But I want to think about this for a few days. I think it might be better to have the wedding next summer.”
“Oh, Mummy,” Christine sighed. “We don’t really want to wait that long.”
“Let me talk to Henry. If you could get down next weekend, Freddie? I know my father would like to talk to you about this.”
“Yes, of course. I know this must have come as a surprise to you. I had intended to wait for a few months, but things came to a head all at once. I care for Christine very deeply, and I want to look after her.”
“Freddie has made me feel so much better about…everything. Please say we don’t have to wait too long.”
“I’ll talk to Henry,” her mother said, a note of finality in her voice. “That is all I am prepared to say for now, Christine.”
“Your mother is quite right.” Freddie reached out to take her hand. “And the summer isn’t so very long to wait, my darling. You can come up and stay in town. My housekeeper would always welcome you – both of you if you would like to come too, Beth? My house is open to you whenever you need it.”
Beth gave a little shake of her head. Freddie’s invitation to Christine to stay at his house alone would have been outrageous before the war, but attitudes had changed so much these past years – and so had Christine, in a matter of a few hours.
She looked at her daughter, realising that there was something different about her. Before her dance she had been a girl on the verge of growing up, but that threshold had been reached and moved over somehow. Christine wasn’t a child any longer.
“What’s this I hear?” Henry fixed Christine with his serious gaze as she took him his lunch on a tray a day or so later. “Damned nonsense, girl! You’re far too young for the fellow.”
“I’m very fond of Freddie, Grandfather, and he loves me. Mummy has agreed to an engagement at Christmas, but she wants us to wait until the summer for the wedding.”
“And so I should think,” Henry muttered, his thick brows knitting in a frown. “These things never work if there’s too much of an age gap, believe me I know. He will be old while you’re still young – and you could be left with a family to bring up alone.”
“Nothing is going to happen to Freddie for years! Besides, I want to marry him. Please don’t be grumpy about this, Henry. I couldn’t bear to quarrel with you.”
“Humph…” Henry’s brow furrowed as he looked at her and saw a new maturity. “I know you’ve been through a lot recently, girl – but neither your mother nor I want you to make a mistake. Think it over before you plunge in.”
“Freddie isn’t like Simon. He’s good, kind a
nd he wants to take care of me.”
“A girl like you is perfectly capable of taking care of yourself. Wait for a few months, and if you still feel the same we’ll talk again. My advice is to find yourself a job, Christine. You need to mix with young people more. You’ve been stuck here with your mother and me – and it’s time you flew the nest.”
“Are you throwing me out?”
“Of course not. I want you to feel free to do whatever you really want, Christine. Not be tied to an old man like me – and I want you to be very sure of what you’re doing.”
“I’ve never been tied to you. I love you.”
“Away with you,” he said gruffly. “What do you want as a Christmas present, Christine? I was thinking of a piece of jewellery. You could ask Beth to design something for you and I’ll ask Jack to have it made up. It’s months away yet but it will give you something to think about.”
“I’ll talk to Mummy. I’m going to take the dogs for a walk now. They’ve been a bit neglected since I went away.”
Henry nodded, closing his eyes as she went out. He would probably lose her to that Steadings fellow, and he wasn’t good enough for her, no matter what Beth said.
Henry screwed up his face, admitting to himself that no one would ever be good enough for Christine. She had come into his life at a time when things were looking pretty bleak, filling an empty space in his heart.
He broke off a piece of freshly baked bread but didn’t eat it. Food didn’t mean much to him these days, and sometimes he felt that he had lived too long. Why did his mind keep going back to that time? It was over long ago, buried in the dark corners of his memory, and it did no good to brood when nothing could be changed.
Yet something was bothering him. He wasn’t sure exactly what – except that it might have something to do with Jack…and that girl.
“Are you going out?” Beth asked as her daughter came down the stairs. “It looks as if it might turn chilly. Put your coat on, darling.”
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