by Ines Saint
But reality was also starting to set in, and with it an anxiety like he’d never known. Marissa and Brian were moving toward the future. They were looking at houses and planning their wedding. Everyone else thought Brian was good for Marissa. The idea that he could soon be facing a taken, married Marissa made him feel as if his heart were drowning in a bottomless pit.
When she’d left his home last night, he’d ached in ways he never had before. It was all new, and too much of it hurt. But he relished it, too, in a way. It was an experience he’d never had—an experience that would bring him closer to the kids and to other people who’d been in love and suffered for it.
And now here he was, about to face another challenging week, without much sleep. Today they’d find out whether they’d made it to the finals. Dan and Holly were getting married on Sunday, and the bachelor and bachelorette parties were on Saturday.
Johnny cracked a reluctant smile. Dan had no clue what was in store for him on Saturday . . .
He pulled into the school’s parking lot with that happy thought, and his mood lifted further when he saw more than two dozen people whooping and shouting on the front steps. “I think they made it to the semifinals, boys,” he said to the puppies, who were buckled up and in a travel crate in the seat beside him. Everything seemed to be going their way.
It wasn’t too hard to figure out what Johnny was carrying in the pet crate, and the excited energy surrounding the kids grew when they saw him walking toward them. They ran up to him, but Johnny had them sit and calm down before he opened the door to the crate. Everyone was talking to him at once. They had, indeed, made it to the semifinals.
The kids exclaimed over how much the puppies had grown, and how plump and content they seemed. “Mr. A make good father to four children,” Veronica said. Johnny laughed.
“Four children?” Mrs. Simmons repeated, raising an eyebrow.
“Miss Medina gonna also have four children.” Veronica giggled. “The cowrie shells no lie.”
“Cowrie shells?” Amy looked from Marissa to Johnny and back again.
“It was a game they were playing on Saturday. Half the shells were top-heavy,” a pink-cheeked Marissa tried to explain.
Johnny gave the kids a quelling look. “I’m sure Miss Medina and her fiancé have already discussed how many kids they want to have.” He walked past Marissa and avoided looking into her eyes. If the kids were matchmaking, it meant he had to be careful. Isaac had taught him something important that day in his office.
Not looking into Marissa’s eyes turned out to be a highly effective, weeklong coping mechanism. He could help out in her classroom, talk at length about school-related things, and even have lunch with her in a group, as long as he remained fully on topic and only looked at her eyes when necessary, but never into them. There was a difference. It was like putting up a wall. The yearning behind his wall remained the same, but he wouldn’t allow new pain inside.
He knew something was up with her, and it went against the grain for him not to go to her and ask her what was bothering her and then do everything in his power to make her feel better. But it wasn’t his job to take care of her needs.
That was part of Brian’s job description.
Friday evening, Marissa was still at the school, firing off e-mails. Brian would be home in about an hour, and she wouldn’t leave work until she knew he was almost there. Brian would keep her mind focused on the two of them. They’d talk about their wedding, the houses they’d looked at, and the future, and her mind would not get completely stuck on things she couldn’t control . . .
But the thought of another round of house-hunting, and another meeting with the wedding planner, didn’t make her feel better.
She closed her eyes and breathed in and out. The kids deserved to make it into the finals. They’d been working so hard and so well. She’d watched them learn and grow. But life wasn’t always fair, and people didn’t always get what they deserved. What bothered Marissa was that most of her kids already knew that. They needed a new lesson: that life rewarded hard work, and that sometimes it was rewarded with amazing, life-changing moments.
Although she had great hope they would make it, she’d been working late each day, researching local festivals and venues, and contacting organizers and managers. She owed her kids a Plan B, just in case. If the kids didn’t make it into the finals, Marissa would make sure they performed their musical in every festival and venue in the area that would have them.
She sent out the last e-mail, closed her laptop, and stared out the window for a while. Johnny’s pickup was the only other car in the staff parking lot. Things had gotten intense in both classrooms, and they’d barely spoken all week. The evening they’d spent at the Cursed Lover seemed far away and covered in a hazy mist.
Before she knew what she was doing, she was heading to Johnny’s office. Maybe he’d have some Plan B suggestions of his own.
She knocked on the glass door. He looked up from his laptop and motioned her inside. “’Sup?” he asked, in a great imitation of the kids.
Marissa grinned. “I wanted to run some ideas for the musical by you . . . but I don’t want to interrupt you. We can talk next week if you’re too busy.”
Johnny closed his laptop. “We can talk now. I’m just looking up everything I can find on social media and kids. I feel like I should be treating it like an addiction,” he said, only half-kidding, before sitting back to hear what Marissa wanted to talk about.
She was wearing a long turquoise skirt and a white top that made the gold highlights in her wavy hair stand out. The sun had deepened her tan, and she looked more like a mermaid who should be bathing out in the sun than a hardworking teacher holed up in a school late on a Friday afternoon. “I’m thinking we should close up and meet outside. I’m tired of being cooped up,” he added without thinking.
Marissa agreed, and ten minutes later, they were sitting outside on the grass under the sun, and Johnny realized he’d made a big mistake. Marissa outside on the grass and under the sun looked prettier than he’d ever seen her. He looked off into the distance and focused not only on what she was saying about her alternate plans for the kids, but on everything she wasn’t saying, as well, and soon he was unable to hold back a smile.
“Why are you smiling like that?” she asked.
“I’m reading between the lines.” He tossed her a sympathetic look. “You’re such a worrywart, Miss M.”
“I know . . .” She twisted her mouth. Her dark eyes always seemed to glitter with hope, no matter what was going on behind them. “Is it that obvious? Grounded optimism can be a roller coaster. The anticipation is killing me. I’m trying to keep my nerves at bay by planning alternatives.” She began splitting pieces of grass in two, over and over again.
“Anticipating outcomes and planning alternatives is good, and the kids are lucky to have someone like you on their side”—he reached out and put his hand over hers, to stop her from murdering the grass—“as long as you don’t let the anticipation kill you. That would pretty much ruin the whole thing for all of us, you know.”
Marissa laughed a little at that. “I’m a neurotic nut. I swear I don’t know how Amy and the kids put up with me.” She shook her head.
“We’re all a little nuts, Marissa, but I think most of us mean well. The kids know you mean well.”
Marissa looked up and studied him for a beat. “That’s important to you, isn’t it? Motives. Intentions.”
Johnny hesitated. “I used to think it was enough. Now I think it’s more important to step back and look at the big picture before acting on even the best intentions. I mean, what good are the best intentions if you keep messing up and hurting people? At least when it comes to the kids, I think we’ve both always felt our responsibility deeply, and we’ve both stepped back and tried to see that big picture. They’ve taught me a lot. They’ve taught me I need to do that in my personal life, too, and stop playing the role I assigned myself years ago.”
Mari
ssa smiled. “So . . . we’re all a little nuts, and we’ve all hurt others, but as long as we mean well, and step back to look at the entire picture before we act, then at least we’re on our way?”
Johnny chuckled. “Something like that. See? I think we just proved we both have good heads on our shoulders. Between the two of us, we’ve almost got life figured out.”
Marissa sighed. “Good heads on our shoulders? Look at us, Johnny.” She spread her arms. “It’s a Friday evening, and where are we? Still at work.”
“We have important jobs, and we love what we do. What’s wrong with that?” Johnny shook his head and looked away. “Forget it. I remember. You want to be pulled out and into another reality. You’re afraid to lose yourself in this one.”
“Nobody likes to get lost. But that doesn’t mean they don’t want to spend most of their time in the reality that makes them happiest—it just means they need to leave before they take the people who trust them down so many winding roads, no one knows the way back.”
“Happiest? Do even hear yourself? That’s what’s wrong with your big picture. Not the fact that we’re still at work, but the fact that you’re afraid of what makes you the happiest. You’re so afraid to mess it up, you won’t commit to it heart and soul.”
Marissa scrambled up. “Excuse me? I am committed to the kids heart and soul! How dare you say I’m not!”
“You’re committed to the kids, but you’re so afraid they’ll become dependent on you and that you’ll let them down, that you think you need to keep your personal life and your work life at odds. It’s okay to want to keep them separate, but you want them at odds, Marissa!”
“I don’t want them at odds, I just don’t want one to affect the other.” She shook her head and looked out onto the field. “Four kids. I want four kids of my own. And so do you. Because we both want to love and nurture every kid who passes through our school, too. What do you think would happen if there were four kids waiting for us at home, needing us just as much as these kids need us, Johnny? Who would lose out? Would we go home late every day like we do now, or would we slack off here?”
Johnny pushed to his feet. “We’d figure it out because we both want the same things! You won’t even get the chance for four kids if you marry Brian.”
“That’s my point! I probably shouldn’t have four kids. But if I did, with Brian at least I’d have a house where they all fit, and they wouldn’t have to share a room with five dogs! You don’t figure out how to accommodate people’s lives into your busy schedule after the fact.”
They stared at each other then. Johnny didn’t even know what they were arguing about anymore, or what had started the argument in the first place. Marissa looked just as lost and confused. “I don’t even know what we’re arguing about, Marissa. You’ve got it all figured out, while I’m just the screwup you come to when you need to share your hopes, your fears, and your plans for the kids. Go marry your perfect guy and have your perfect life and your perfect house that’ll fit the four kids you’ll never have.”
Tears sprang into Marissa’s eyes, and he left before he was tempted to do anything about it—after all, everyone kept telling him that wasn’t his job. He had puppies to feed, a house to insulate, a bachelor party to finish planning, and a wedding to attend. That was his job.
Melinda was waiting for Marissa when she got home that evening, looking tired but cheerful. Marissa was relieved. She needed a distraction. “Hey, you look happy,” she greeted her sister, but she instantly regretted the words. It was like implying that seeing her sister happy was rare. She needed a distraction, not another argument.
Their entire family had been walking on pins and needles around Melinda, even though they knew it was wrong. It was easier dealing with a sullen, moody teen than a sullen, moody adult. But Melinda simply shrugged. “I started a new job today. It wasn’t bad.”
Marissa schooled her features to hide her surprise. When had her sister started looking for a job? They spoke often, though Melinda communicated little. So many questions came to mind, but all seemed likely to offend. “That’s great! What are you doing?” she asked.
“I’m working as a makeup artist at an upscale counter, and I’m pretty good at it. I got a referral right away.”
“Did you enjoy it?”
Melinda shrugged. “I thought it would be gross to touch other people’s faces, but it wasn’t. It’s funny, but when you get up close, everyone has an interesting face. Lines and wrinkles kind of go with personalities. Like, the lady who sent me the referral had lines around her mouth and eyes, and she laughed a lot. But this other lady, who stiffed me on a tip, she had a big ol’ furrow right here.” Melinda smiled and pointed to the space between her own eyebrows.
Marissa smiled, too. It was interesting. “What else?” she asked, sitting down.
“Lots of little things that tell a story. This one lady’s left arm was much darker and freckled than her right arm, and it turns out she’s a delivery truck driver. A teenager had a lot of freckles, and she’s always tried to hide them, but they were really cute, so I showed her pictures of actresses with freckles, and she left feeling happy. And I used to think eyes were just different shades of blue, green, or brown, but up close, they have rings around them and flecks and speckles . . .”
“I’m glad you like it. How’d you find out about it?” It was the only way she could think of to get her sister talking about whatever was going on in her mind about her life. Marissa loved her so much, and the chasm between them—and the fact that she had no idea how it had happened or what she could do to repair it—had kept her up more than a few nights.
Melinda looked down and sighed. “Johnny was here last Friday.”
“Johnny was here last Friday?” Her voice cracked and she cleared her throat. “Was he here to tell you about the job?” she asked, trying to see the connection and hide her curiosity and surprise.
“No. He came to apologize to Mom over what happened at my party. He brought flowers and everything, but she kept hitting him with them. And you know Mom, she talks so loud. I was in my room with the window open and I heard everything.”
“Her voice does carry. Her entire personality carries,” Marissa agreed with a grin, but inside, she was wondering why neither her mom nor Johnny had mentioned the visit.
Melinda smiled again, but there was a tear on her cheek. Melinda never cried. Marissa instantly moved to where her sister was sitting and draped an arm around her shoulder. “What happened? What did Mom say?”
Melinda wiped at her tear. “It wasn’t what she said, it was more the way she said it. Like, she felt all sorry for me and was worried about me. I guess I already knew it, but before it had only made me madder at her and Dad. But when I heard her talking to someone else about it, I suddenly felt like this big, stupid spoiled baby.” She sniffled and gulped. “I still hate it here and I want to go back to LA, but I can’t keep sitting around just hoping for it to happen. It’s pathetic. And I think maybe I’m really mad at feeling pathetic and not at Mom and Dad so much.”
Melinda breathed in and out. “I took the job ’cause it was the only thing I thought I could enjoy doing out of everything that was out there, but then it gave me ideas. Like, I can take some courses on how to do makeup while I work, so I can have a certificate of some kind and experience, and maybe I can get my foot in the door that way. At the very least I could be working at a job I like.”
Marissa’s heart expanded. “I think that’s a really great idea, Mel!”
Melinda looked into her eyes. “You mean it, don’t you?” she asked, smiling a little. “I’ve been so mad at how everyone acts so fake around me. Even my friends.”
They talked a little more about plans and schools, and they even went to the computer to do some research. “Do you think I could help out with your musical?” Melinda asked, her eyes bright, after spotting a course on stage makeup. “I could teach the kids how to do stage makeup. It might be fun and it’s something else I could put
on my résumé.”
“That would be so great! We’ve never worked together before. It’ll be so fun and the kids will love it.” But then Marissa frowned. “You’ll, uh, you’ll have to see Johnny, though. But I think he’ll be helping out at Amy’s more than in my classroom next week. Would you be okay with that?”
Melinda shot Marissa an aggravated look. “Look, when I got back, the whole thing with Johnny took my mind off, well, coming back. And it was a way for me to take other people’s mind off the fact that I had nothing to show after all that time in LA. I mean, put yourself in my position. But I knew it was you he was talking about, Marissa. And I wasn’t mad that it wasn’t me. I was mad ’cause of the whole fuss. What a stupid night, I swear.” She rolled her eyes. “Johnny’s a total doofus, but I’m not mad at him.”
Marissa nodded, but she didn’t know what to say. Melinda knew she was the girl Johnny had been talking about. Half the town seemed to know. It was the worst-kept secret ever.
Melinda hesitated before reaching out to touch Marissa’s hand. “And I can see why he likes you, you know. You two always made sense to me. I know you liked Brian when you were in high school, but Brian was only after a good grade.” Her eyes flickered away before meeting hers again. “You and Johnny used to talk a lot when he’d come over. Really talk, I mean. And he always made you smile. Really smile. Back then, at least.”
Marissa stiffened. Of course Brian had only been after a grade. She’d always known that. So what? But the thought brought up all the unpleasant feelings surrounding the disagreements they’d been having lately. “Well, things change . . . and what do you mean by really talk and really smile?” she snapped.
Melinda’s eyes widened. “Never mind. Jeez. And everyone thinks I’m the pissy one.”
Marissa closed her eyes. “I’m sorry. Forget it. Um, when would you like to come visit the school?” she asked, as if nothing else had been said between them. “It’ll have to be next week. It’s the last one for the class. After that, I don’t know how often we’ll be able to get together to rehearse.”
