To Hope Again: A Sweet Romance (Forty and Free Book 3)
Page 9
By the time she reached her car she couldn’t deny the disappointment that tightened her chest. Even though she didn’t want to see him, she still craved him in a strange incomprehensible way.
Chapter 24
Mateo grabbed a beer from the fridge and carried it back to the couch. Even though he had his work music on, he hadn’t accomplished anything. In fact, his toolbox sat closed by the front door. He couldn’t get her out of his head. A long swallow of the cool beer calmed him, but an instant later, his mind swirled again.
Jillian turned him sideways. She occupied his mind.
He kicked his feet up on the coffee table and cringed just a little as Kate’s voice played through his mind.
“Don’t put your feet on the coffee table.”
“I bought it.”
“Your feet are dirty.”
“I’ll clean it.”
“No, you won’t.”
“I will, Kate. Just let me relax.”
“How can you relax knowing that you’re making our home filthy?”
“Kate. I just took a shower.”
“It’s low-class to put your feet on the coffee table. You’re so embarrassing. Why can’t you ever do anything right?”
It was that last comment that had brought him to his feet. A moment later he’d flipped the coffee table over.
“Why should I work to buy things for my home and not be able to enjoy them?”
Then the screaming had started—the reminders of how unreasonable he was, how out of control he was. Her accusations were repeated nearly every day of their marriage until he was sure she was right.
He closed his eyes and rubbed his hand across his forehead. That memory wasn’t his best moment, but all he’d wanted to do was be able to relax in his own home. He took his feet down off the coffee table just so he could put them back up again. Maybe there were some perks to being single after all.
He took another long swallow of beer. If only he’d stayed home that afternoon, then maybe Jillian wouldn’t be so far inside his head. The more he thought about it, the more he understood her point of view, but he feared that there wasn’t much chance his heart would come to terms with the logic.
Whether Jillian was a passing fancy or not, there was no question that Mateo wanted her. That was not likely to change any time soon. With her right next door, he had no idea how he was going to resist. Maybe if he stayed locked up in the house. Maybe if he never saw her again.
“Not going to happen.” He sighed and finished his beer.
When there was a knock on the door he jumped. Was it Jillian? He stood up and smoothed down his shirt. He ran his fingers back through his hair. The knock got louder. He peered through the peephole to make sure it wasn’t Kate.
When he saw who it was he laughed and opened the door. “Antonio, what are you doing here?”
“I came to see you, little bro—and your new place.” He glanced around as he stepped inside. “Nice—if you like that just moved in sorta look.”
“What’s the point of unpacking? I’m going to sell it.”
“You have to live between then and now, you know.”
“I know. What are you really doing here?” He eyed his brother suspiciously. Although he and Antonio were close, it wasn’t like him to show up out of the blue.
“I heard that Kate showed up today.”
“How did you hear that?” Mateo raised an eyebrow.
Antonio pulled out his phone and pulled up a post. “She’s told the whole world how miserable you are—how you’re still in love with her.” He met Mateo’s eyes. “I wasn’t sure if you saw it or not.”
“No, I have her blocked on everything.” Mateo cringed at the description he read. The worst part was that she wasn’t entirely wrong.
“But she’s still under your skin, hm?”
“I can’t shake her. Want a beer?”
“No, I’ll take a water.”
Mateo ducked into the kitchen. Antonio had his hands inside a box when he returned.
“What are you looking for?” Mateo handed him the water.
“Your balls.” Antonio smirked.
“Shut up.” Mateo narrowed his eyes.
“I mean it.” Antonio straightened up. “How are you letting her run all over you like this?”
“It’s not like I have a choice. What do you expect me to do?”
“Get a lawyer, go back after her, stand up for yourself, Mateo.”
“You don’t understand. It’s not like that. I can’t take anything from her. I can’t even be in the same room as her. The anger—it’s just too much.”
“You can’t hide from her forever. She’s going to be around until you face her. You should take everything from her. She doesn’t deserve any of it. I saw the way she treated you, and now she’s dragging your name through the mud. You can’t let this go on.”
“I don’t have it in me.”
“Why not?” He frowned. “You still have feelings for her?”
“I don’t know.”
Antonio knocked him in the forehead with the palm of his hand, just hard enough to make Mateo glare at him. “You’re an idiot.”
“You think I don’t know that?” He scowled at his brother. “I just don’t know how not to be.”
“You start by letting the lawyers handle it so she has no reason to show up here.”
Mateo sat down on the couch and scrubbed the heels of his hands along his forehead. “I just want to give up, Antonio. You know I never wanted it to end.”
“It has. And it should have. It was long overdue. She was no good for you.”
“Stop. Stop talking about her like that. She’s my wife.”
“No, Mateo, she’s not.” Antonio crossed his arms. “She divorced you. She broke you, and now you’re letting her take everything from you. You’re stronger than this. I know you are. If you keep wallowing like this, she’s going to keep preying on you, and one day when you wake up to what a mess you’ve made, it’ll be too late to do anything about it.”
“It’s already too late. Like you said—she broke me.”
“No.” Antonio crouched down in front of Mateo and met his eyes. “We never break. Hm? No matter what happens—you and I—we never break.”
“Maybe you, Antonio. Why would you break? You have Sasha. She’s perfect.”
“She’s not perfect. Neither am I. But we love each other the way we are. You’ll find someone like that.”
Mateo shook his head as thoughts of Jillian filled his mind. “No. I don’t think that I will. I mean, I don’t want to. I’m done with all that. I don’t ever want to feel this way again.”
“Then she wins. No matter what she takes from you, she will win—because she’s taken your future from you.”
“What future? I’m well past my prime. It’s not like women are lining up to catch a man like me. I’ve found gray hairs, you know that?”
“Stop it.” Antonio rolled his eyes. “The right woman isn’t going to care about gray hair.”
“Did you come here just to drive me crazy?” Mateo stood up from the couch. “I’ve had enough of that today.”
“Fine, I’ll go. Stand up for yourself, bro. Don’t let her push you around. She didn’t know what she had. She doesn’t deserve you.”
“Thanks.”
“I mean it, Mateo.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Mateo walked him to the door. “Go home to your beautiful wife.”
A pang of guilt carried through him. Antonio managed to keep his wife happy and his marriage strong, something that Mateo felt he’d failed at.
“No more wallowing, hm?” Antonio waved to him as he walked to his car.
Mateo closed the door and rested his head against it. He trusted his brother more than anyone in the world, but that didn’t mean that he’d take his advice.
Chapter 25
Jillian walked into the restaurant with a nervous glance around. For some reason she felt as if everyone there would know what had happened on the
island. The sensation of exposure caused her to hurry to the table where she saw Hannah waiting for her.
“Hi there.” Hannah smiled at her. Her smile faded as she studied Jillian’s face. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m not ready to talk about it just yet. Let’s order first.”
“Okay.” Hannah frowned.
Once the orders were placed and the food was brought to the table, Jillian took a deep breath. “I’ve been neglecting my client.”
“What?”
“Angela. I haven’t texted or called. I feel like I’m letting her slip.”
“Why? That’s not like you.”
“Because I’m distracted.” She shook her head. “I’ve never felt this distracted before, Hannah.”
“Everyone has their off days, Jillian. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
“But what if I can’t help her? What if I’m not as capable as I think I am? Of helping her, I mean.”
“Wait a minute, that’s a big leap from just feeling distracted. What’s going on with you?” She popped a French fry into her mouth.
“I’m starting to think that all the work I did on myself was for nothing.”
“Why?” Hannah frowned. “You’ve put in a lot of time and effort. You should be proud of what you’ve accomplished.”
“Even if it all turns out to be surface work? I feel like I’ve been lying to myself.”
“Jillian. Why do you feel that way?”
“I don’t know. Every time I’m around Mateo something new comes up. He’s going through such an emotional situation. At first I thought it was just rubbing off on me, but now I wonder if it’s his honesty. He doesn’t hide how he feels. He’s angry and he shows it.”
“So you think you might have some anger that you’re not showing?”
Jillian sighed and leaned back against her chair. “What could I have to be angry about? My life is good. It’s always been good.”
“Not always. The trauma of losing your parents is a very intense experience. You may have some lingering anger that you need to face—anger at life, anger at the person who hit them.”
Jillian lowered her eyes. “I know, I know, but I don’t feel that way—or at least I didn’t think that I felt that way. I’ve come to peace with all that a long time ago.”
“But you’re still angry?”
“I think so.” She pushed her salad back and forth on the plate. “It’s hard to say exactly what I’m feeling.”
“Maybe things are too jumbled up. You’re thinking that Mateo is bringing up these feelings, but maybe he’s not. Maybe you have these feelings, but you also have new feelings—for Mateo.” Hannah smiled, then took a bite of her burger.
“Ugh, no.” Jillian shook her head. “You’re wrong. The only feelings I have for Mateo are unhealthy ones brought about by his dramatic situation.”
“What makes you think they’re unhealthy?”
Jillian put down her fork. She no longer wanted to eat. “I don’t want to do this, Hannah. I don’t want to even contemplate things with Mateo.”
“Hm.”
“Hm?” She narrowed her eyes.
“Hm.” Hannah picked up her glass of water and took a drink.
“Hannah, you know how much I respect you, and I admire your advice, but this time, I think you’re pushing to make something true that isn’t.”
“I can see that you’re getting upset. Maybe we should talk about this another time.” Hannah met her eyes. “It might be too much, too fast.”
“I’m not upset.” Her tone was harsh to her own ears. Jillian’s eyes widened. “Oh, no. I am. I am upset about the whole Mateo situation. What does that mean?”
“It means that there’s more to him than you think.” Hannah arched an eyebrow. “You don’t have to agree with me. But you should think about it. If his anger stirs up some repressed anger in you, then yes—that may be something to focus on. But it’s not the only thing that he seems to be stirring in you, Jillian. If you want to be honest, you’re going to have to be honest about everything, not just one aspect of your emotions—or you really will be lying to yourself.”
“I don’t know. He’s so wrong for me.”
“So you seem to think. I’ll tell you what, if you really think he’s just a distraction, then refocus—spend some time in meditation, set up a few appointments with your clients. Immerse yourself in work. If you can escape him, then he probably is just a distraction. If not—well, you might reconsider your standards of who might be right or wrong for you.”
Jillian looked at her friend for a moment. She fought the urge to snap at her. She was well aware of the fact that if Hannah’s insightful words riled her up, then there was probably truth to them. But the very idea of thinking of Mateo as anything more than a little fun summoned a fierce frustration from deep within her—one that she didn’t recognize and couldn’t define.
“You’re right, Hannah. I need to give myself a break from all this confusion. Thanks for helping me to get my head around it all.”
“You’re welcome.” Hannah smiled. “Now do the same for Angela. It’ll give you perspective.”
Jillian nodded. “I will do just that.”
She sent a quick message to Angela.
Let’s make an appointment to talk today. I can do it any time you want. Just give me a time.
By the time lunch was done Angela had texted back.
I’m not sure I’m up for an appointment today. I don’t really want to talk on the phone or the computer.
Jillian frowned. She interpreted Angela’s message as a hint that she was really down. She thought about her options for a moment. So far their conversations had only been on the phone or on the computer. In person was not an option, since Angela lived several hours away. But Jillian felt the need to see her face. It was easy to lie over the phone or on the computer.
She fired back a message.
Why don’t we try out a video chat? I think we could both use it today. Can you make some time for it?
She tucked her phone back into her purse.
As she walked with Hannah out to the parking lot, she felt some relief. Hannah knew just about everything there was to know about Jillian, and it was one of the most comfortable friendships that Jillian had in her life.
“Jillian, one more thing.” Hannah turned to face her.
“What is it?”
“You mentioned to me before—about the accident—that there was some secrecy around it.”
“No, just some comments made by my uncle.”
“But enough to keep you off balance about it?”
“Maybe.”
Hannah looked into her eyes and spoke in a softer tone. “Maybe it’s time that you found out the whole truth—if you think it could be something that’s holding you back.”
“I thought I knew the whole truth.”
“Maybe you do.” She gave her a quick hug. “Let me know if you need anything.”
“Thanks, Hannah. I hope I can be as supportive to Angela as you are to me.”
“You know that you will be. Don’t lose your confidence, Jillian. We all have moments of doubt or uncertainty, but you are still you.”
Jillian smiled as Hannah walked away. As usual, she was inspired.
Now, if only she could keep Mateo off of her mind, balance might be restored.
Chapter 26
Mateo was covered with sweat. From the minute his brother left, he’d thrown himself into the projects that needed to be done. He’d been focused on indoor repairs in an attempt to avoid Jillian. The last thing he needed was another conversation about feelings and healthy relationships. He rolled his eyes at the thought. No, what he needed was wood grain and the sound of power tools.
He rubbed his fingers along the smooth surface of the wood. Finally, it was in place. The more work he did on the house, the more he pushed thoughts of her out of his mind. His brother was right. He did need to stand up for himself—not just with Kate, but with Jillian too.
He considered calling his lawyer, but he resisted the idea. It seemed wrong to drag Kate into a courtroom, to quantify what years of marriage had been worth.
He grabbed a screwdriver and headed for the back screen door. The handle needed to be replaced. It was a small job that he could easily accomplish. The more he settled into mindless work, the more his emotions crept up on him.
Antonio had been his sole support for most of his life. Though they’d had parents, they weren’t the parenting type. Antonio had taken on a fatherly role in some ways. There’d been no shortage of anger in the household where he’d grown up. But instead of flipping furniture, his father had been more the hands-on type.
As a young man, Mateo had never imagined himself married. It seemed like too much trouble, and certainly had no benefit. But when he met Kate—he closed his eyes as he remembered the moment—there’d been no question in his mind that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Her confidence, her determination, and her knowledge of what she wanted made her even more appealing to him. He was sure, that as in love as they were, their marriage would last.
But it hadn’t been long after their quick romance had turned into wedded bliss that she’d become more and more unhappy with him. His pay wasn’t good enough, the things they owned weren’t nice enough. She’d even demanded that he avoid seeing his brother so that he could pay more attention to her.
At the time, Mateo had seen it as a sweet attempt to keep them close. Now he knew that she’d likely sensed the fact that Antonio hadn’t liked her.
Mateo and his brother had had one conversation about Kate after their marriage that had ended in a shouting match. Blinded by his love for Kate, Mateo never saw what his brother saw—not until now.