“Never?” She pursed her lips. “Not even when you proposed to Kate? Not even when you asked her to stay?”
“That’s not fair.” He lowered his eyes.
“You’re right, it’s not.” She rubbed the rise of his shoulder. “Because it’s too soon. The love, the hurt—it’s all too fresh for you to be able to move on.”
“It’s not fair because I didn’t know then that you even existed. If I had, I’d have searched the earth to find you.”
Jillian’s eyes moistened at his words. That kind of love was the kind of love she’d longed for all of her adult life—the kind of love that would keep her afloat even in her darkest moments.
“Then you should be able to wait—until it’s a better time.”
He sighed and stared down at the ground. When he looked back at her, his eyes were darkened by frustration. “I have a better idea.”
“What is it?”
“We’ll take it slow. We’ll take it any way you like.”
“What’s happening between us doesn’t give me hope that we’ll be able to take it slow.”
“I know it. I can control myself, Jillian. I want the opportunity to prove that.”
“How?”
“Come to dinner at my place. It’ll just be a friendly date. No expectations. I need to break in my kitchen.”
“You cook?” She looked at him out of the corner of her eye.
“For you I will.” His cheeks flushed. “Like I said, no expectations.”
“When?”
“Tonight.”
“That’s not slow.”
“Please?” He held her gaze.
“Okay, one dinner.” The risk she took by being alone with Mateo was one that she might not be able to recover from—her feelings for him were that intense.
“Thank you. You won’t regret it.” He leaned forward and kissed her cheek. “See, slow.”
“Hm.” She tightened her lips to resist the urge to kiss him. “See you tonight.”
“Absolutely.”
As he walked away, Jillian returned her attention to the yard work. It didn’t matter what she did to take her focus off Mateo, her heart fluttered already when she thought about seeing him at dinner later that night.
As she struggled to overcome the revelation of how her parents had died, she found that her time with Mateo had been a great comfort. Still, she held back.
There was a barrier between them that she couldn’t quite pinpoint. Yes, he was still hurting from the divorce, but did that really mean that they couldn’t begin something together? Her heart swayed toward the hope that the spark she felt with him wouldn’t burn out as fast as she feared.
Accepting a date with him had been a big step. She decided she might need a little extra support before following through with it. Maybe Hannah could coax her past whatever instigated fear of love within her.
She stepped back into the house and found her phone on the kitchen counter. She dialed Hannah’s number and walked out into the living room. She settled into one of the chairs that faced the front window. Maybe, just maybe, she wanted to catch a glimpse of Mateo if he walked by.
Hannah answered quickly. “Jillian, hi. I haven’t heard from you in awhile. What’s going on?”
“Mateo is cooking me dinner tonight.”
“Wow, that’s some major progress.” Hannah responded in a cheerful tone. “What happened?”
“I’m not really sure. We’ve been meditating together every morning and he really helped me transition through facing the truth about my parents.”
“That sounds amazing. I’m so glad that you’re giving it a try with him. I think you might be surprised by how trustworthy he may be.”
“That’s just the thing. I do want to give it a try, I think. Even though it seems a little too fast, I’m willing to risk it. But I’m stuck on this sensation of fear that I feel every time I think of growing more intimate with him. I hoped maybe you could talk that out with me.”
“We’ve talked about how much you may have based your idea of perfect romance on the relationship that you perceived your parents to have when they were alive. Mateo is the first person you’ve sought out—I’m not sure if you realize that?”
“No? What do you mean sought?”
“I mean, all of your exes came to you. They approached you.”
“So did Mateo.”
“Did he?”
Jillian thought about it for a moment. She remembered the way she’d admired Mateo from a distance the first day he moved in. She recalled her determination to be friendly to him. She chalked it up to being a good neighbor at the time, but as she took a hard look, she recognized that her interest in Mateo had been there since that first moment. In fact, he was the one to initially turn her away.
“You’re right. I hadn’t really thought about that.”
“Then, when he responded to your interest, you pulled away. It was you who drew a line.”
“I did. When he started to pursue me, it scared me.”
“With the death of your parents, it might make sense that you associated love with loss. That’s why you felt safe with the other men in your life. You didn’t love them. It didn’t bother you when they walked away, because you never allowed yourself to get attached. I think the trauma you experienced burned an association into your heart—that if you ever truly loved a man, you might end up losing him in a similar tragedy, and perhaps your own life as well. I could be wrong.”
Jillian couldn’t even speak, as her mouth was wide open in shock. Everything Hannah said made sense to her. She’d never suffered heartbreak, because though she positioned herself with men that she was compatible with, she actually had little or no real desire for them. The raw and desperate way Mateo left her feeling at times was a more honest reaction to desire than any she’d ever experienced with past lovers.
“I think you’re absolutely right, which means that the amount of fear I feel around Mateo is just an indicator of how much I care about him.” A flood of relief washed over her. Now that she understood why she was so afraid, the fear didn’t seem so powerful any more. “Thank you, Hannah, thank you so much.”
“Now the question is, what are you going to do with this information?”
“I’m going to enjoy a dinner made by an amazing man, without overthinking it.”
“Good idea.” Hannah laughed as she hung up the phone.
Jillian was so excited that she decided not to wait until later. She’d head over and offer to help Mateo with dinner.
As she stood up, she noticed a car roll up the driveway. She watched as the car pulled to a stop in front of Mateo’s house. She recognized it from Kate’s last visit. The stunning woman stepped out of the car and walked up to the doorway of Mateo’s house. Her presence muted the excitement that Jillian was feeling.
Why was she there?
Chapter 33
Mateo turned the heat down on the pot of water, but not before some of it splashed over the side. He frowned and wondered if offering to make Jillian dinner was a big mistake. He wasn’t exactly talented in the kitchen. But he liked the idea of being alone with Jillian instead of sharing her with a restaurant full of people.
When there was a knock on the door, he grimaced. Was she there already? Would she be able to tell that he’d put the Italian bread into the oven without preheating it? He hurried to the door and threw it open without checking to see who it was.
Discovering Kate on the other side was a real shock. He almost slammed the door closed again.
She wedged her foot in the door before he could start. “Hi, Mateo.” She smiled at him.
“What are you doing here?”
“I came to see you.” Her eyes widened a little. “I missed you.”
“Whatever this is about needs to go through our lawyers. I don’t want to talk to you.”
“Please, Mateo, it’s cold out here. I’m not here to fight. I have something for you. Just let me in for a minute.”
He s
tared at her for a long moment. The last thing he wanted was for Jillian to walk up and find Kate there. It was better to find out what she wanted and get rid of her than to risk that.
“Fine, but only for a minute. I have a date.”
“A date?” She laughed as she stepped inside. “Oh? Are you cooking?” She sniffed the air.
“I am.” He crossed his arms and leaned back against the wall. “Why are you here, Kate?”
“I was lonely, Mateo.”
“I’m sure you can find a way to remedy that.” He kept his eyes on her. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t predict her next move. Was she going to attack him? Did she have some legal documents concealed under that long coat she was wearing?
“One way.” She stretched a long leg toward him and crossed the distance between them. “I came here to see you.”
“What? Why?” Mateo narrowed his eyes. His back was already against the wall. There was nowhere for him to go.
“Don’t play innocent. I know that you miss me.” She tugged at the belt on her coat. When it fell open, Mateo was startled to see the tiny nightgown she wore underneath. For an instant, he flashed back to their wedding night when she’d worn the most beautiful garment. She never wore it again after that first night.
“Get out, Kate.”
“Make me.” She put her hands on her hips and let the coat fall back from her shoulders.
He tried not to look, but it was impossible for his eyes to look away from the body he’d once adored.
“This is unbelievable.” His voice wavered. Not that long ago, all he wanted was for her to come back to him. Now that she seemed to be offering herself to him, he was aware that his feelings had changed dramatically.
“Is it really so bad? I’m not asking for you to take me back, but there’s no reason not to have some fun.”
“There’s every reason. I want you to leave.”
“No, you don’t.” She pursed her lips and looked up into his eyes. “I know you too well, Mateo. You want me right here. So here I am.”
He pushed past her and walked over to the door. When he swung it open, he gestured for her to walk through. “Out. I have nothing to say to you.”
“Call your date and cancel.”
“No.” He narrowed his eyes. “I want nothing to do with you, Kate. You had your chance.”
“You can pretend to want someone else if you must, Mateo, but you and I both know that I’m the only woman you’ll ever love.” She grabbed the collar of his shirt and drew his mouth close to hers. “Nothing is going to change that.”
“Stop.” He gritted his teeth. He was afraid to touch her, even to push her away. He knew Kate well enough to suspect she was attempting to get him to put his hands on her to help her case.
“You’re so pathetic. I came here out of pity. No one else is going to want a man like you.” She tightened her grip. “Deep down, you know that.” She pushed her lips against his in an awkward forced kiss.
Mateo groaned and jerked his head away. Every nerve in his body was repulsed by her touch. It was in that moment that he truly understood Kate’s spell over him had been broken. With firm pressure he guided her out the door.
“Don’t you dare come back or I’ll take out a restraining order.”
Kate laughed and rolled her eyes. “Dramatic as always. Fine, I’ll go. But when your little date doesn’t show up, call me.”
He pushed the door closed behind her and drew a deep slow breath, just like Jillian had taught him. He had to remain in control of his anger so that Kate didn’t win. His heart pounded with the desire to lose his temper—to tell Kate just what he thought of her. But that wouldn’t do anything but create chaos.
He focused instead on the fact that Jillian had agreed to the date with him. There was a time when he would have taken Kate into his arms and shown her exactly how much he wanted her back, but those feelings for her no longer even existed. It was a relief to know that. She was finally gone from his life.
Now the only question was, would Jillian believe that? Would she trust that he had truly moved on from his marriage and give him a chance to show her just how much he cared about her?
Chapter 34
Jillian tried not to look, but she couldn’t help it. She wanted to know why Kate was there and how Mateo would respond to her presence. She was sure that he would reject her.
When she noticed that Mateo let her in, she caught her bottom lip between her teeth. Why would he do that? Why wouldn’t he just turn her away? Her mind raced through irrational thoughts of jealousy. She and Mateo were nothing more than friends. Officially, she had no right to be jealous.
But it was more than that. She didn’t want Kate to hurt him again. She didn’t want Mateo to be her prey.
She was supposed to meet him for dinner. She had an excuse to knock on the door. Just as she opened her door and stepped out onto the driveway, the door to Mateo’s house opened as well. Kate stepped out with a laugh. The laughter made Jillian’s throat tighten. What did Mateo say to make her laugh? Why were they alone together? What happened while the door had been closed?
Kate walked toward her car but paused in the middle of the driveway. Jillian tried to duck back before Kate could see her, but it was too late. The woman began to walk toward her. Jillian had no idea what she might say to her—actually she had hundreds of ideas, but none of them were appropriate or polite.
“You must be Mateo’s date—I’m guessing by the way you’ve been over here watching me.” Kate looked her over with an amused smirk. “He was cooking dinner for you. Isn’t that cute? I saved you from a terrible meal, trust me.”
Jillian cleared her throat. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Oh, I’m sure it was just meant to be a casual get-together between friends. You don’t mind too much, do you? He’d rather spend his time with me. I mean, if it was a date, I guess he wouldn’t have invited me inside.”
“I’m sure you didn’t give him much of a choice.” Jillian tried to remain calm but Kate’s voice was grating on her last nerve.
“He was happy to have me.” Kate reached up and touched the corner of her mouth where a smear of lipstick stretched to the curve of her cheek. “Very happy.”
Jillian tried not to be bothered by the idea that Mateo might have kissed her as she found the words that she wanted to say. “You should leave him alone.”
“He should leave me alone first. But he won’t—because he’s in love with me, and he always will be. He might act like he’s not, but trust me, he’ll do anything it takes to get me back. Why else do you think he invited me to stay?”
Jillian’s throat grew dry. “He wouldn’t do that.”
“No?” She glanced at the front window of Mateo’s house. “Take a look for yourself.”
Jillian watched as he walked by with a tissue in his hand. He reached up and wiped at his lips. When he pulled the tissue away, she could almost make out what looked like bright lipstick across the white of the tissue.
Jillian was too shocked to say a word. At the same time, she wasn’t surprised and she felt her heart fall. Kate was the only woman he’d ever loved. He’d told her as much himself.
“Don’t feel bad, honey. Mateo is always going to take me back. He always has.”
Jillian’s heart sank. She was mortified to be frozen there in front of Kate while Mateo cleaned up after their passionate kiss.
“Excuse me, I need to get my overnight bag from the car.” She walked toward the trunk.
As she bent over to retrieve her bag, Jillian could see that she wore nearly nothing under the coat. A moment later Jillian’s cell phone began to ring. Her heart sank. It was Mateo. He was calling to cancel, she was sure of it.
Without another word, she fled the driveway and ran back into her house. She ignored his call and turned her phone off entirely. She was mortified that she’d let herself believe that whatever was between them could be real. Of course if Kate offered herself to him, there
was no question that he’d take her back. He’d never stopped loving her.
Jillian closed herself off in her room and tried not to allow a flood of emotions to overwhelm her. But it was too late. The floodgates were wide open. Maybe the fear of love that haunted her was valid after all. As her heart was wrenched with pain at the thought of Mateo and Kate together again, tears sprang to her eyes. This was what she’d been missing all of those years. This was real heartbreak. She stretched out on her bed and tried to force the thoughts away.
Some time later she heard someone knock at her door. She covered her head with a pillow to try to block out the sound. She didn’t want to talk to Kate again—to learn about how Mateo had welcomed her home. She wanted to block out the entire world.
Now she understood how Angela had felt when she’d insisted that romance wasn’t worth it. Jillian had no idea how bad it could hurt.
She woke the next morning still sick to her stomach—and angry—angry that she’d been so easily fooled. Doubt crept into her every thought. Maybe she shouldn’t have listened to Hannah. Maybe meditation had guided her in the wrong direction. Even the home that she loved so much no longer offered her comfort.
All she could think about was him—his touch, his kiss, the way he looked at her with such desire that her entire body responded to it. Was that really all a lie? It hurt her even more to think so. Yet, at the same time, a part of her understood. She knew better than to get into a relationship with him. Things were now messy, and she only had herself to blame for it.
She grabbed her purse and keys and decided to get as far away from Mateo as she could. It was the only way she’d be able to think straight again.
Chapter 35
When Jillian didn’t answer his call, Mateo figured she was on the way over. He didn’t want her to be surprised by Kate’s presence. His lips burned with the memory of Kate’s kiss. He wanted more than anything to celebrate the fact that he’d genuinely moved on. Jillian was the reason for that. The thought of being alone with her made his heart pound.
To Hope Again: A Sweet Romance (Forty and Free Book 3) Page 12
