“I’m probably going to need to hear it again,” I warned.
He gave a simple nod. “Probably. Like I said, it’s an over and over kind of thing, but the load gets lighter and you get stronger every time you pick it up. And I’ll be here.”
After Les left, Stump and I fell asleep on the sofa. I woke up about an hour later, still preoccupied by my conversation with Les. I decided that I’d spent enough time recuperating, and I wanted to get out and get some air. I patted my leg, and Stump and I headed out to the Monster Carlo.
G-Ma’s door was already replaced. A man with a tool belt was carrying the old door with the hole away when I pulled up.
G-Ma stood on the sidewalk talking to a woman, both of them gesturing energetically so that at first I assumed they were arguing. But no. G-Ma put her hand on the other woman’s arm, and the woman bobbed her head in a nod, and they both laughed.
“Holy cow, Stump,” I said as I put the Monster Carlo in park. “That’s Felicia!”
I got out of the car, already preparing the lecture I was going to give G-Ma once I got Felicia out of there.
“There she is. My granddaughter.”
Felicia looked at me and her face went from friendly to stony instantly. “We’ve met.”
“It was Salem’s idea that I do this,” G-Ma said. “Fantastic idea. Very exciting.” She turned to me and put her arm around my waist. I almost fainted. G-Ma wasn’t the demonstrative type. “And Felicia is going to rent one of the new shops.” G-Ma beamed between us.
I sighed. G-Ma had completely missed the point of what I’d been trying to get her to do.
“I’m going to open a nail salon,” Felicia said, rolling her eyes at me.
“You do nails?” Then why were you a hooker, I didn’t say.
“Not yet, but she’s going to stay here and go to school, and we’ve already talked to the people at the small business development thingamajig, and she probably qualifies!”
“Probably!” Felicia squealed back, apparently unable to contain herself even with me standing right there.
“And Bonnie likes to bake, so she’s going to get some ovens put in Mario’s restaurant. So she’ll bake cakes and cookies and stuff, and rent one of the shops for her business.”
“And Georgina and Vanessa make jewelry, so they’re going in together to open one.”
They kept talking, all excited about their plans. I couldn’t help but get caught up in all the excitement. I hadn’t seen G-Ma this excited in…well, ever.
Something occurred to me and I blurted it out before I thought. “Wait. Are all these girls…” I looked at Felicia and froze.
“Working girls?” She raised her chin. “Yep. Anything wrong with that?”
I shook my head quickly. “Nope. Not a thing.”
“I hated so much thinking that these girls had no safe place to go. And now they do!”
I swallowed and hugged G-Ma again. “I’m really proud of you, G-Ma. This is a very good thing you’re doing.”
“I know. Oh! And you know Mario’s nephew Billy? He’s got a landscaping business. He’s going to fill in that pool area with a little bridge and pond and stuff.”
“A water feature,” Felicia said.
“Right! Water feature! And we can probably put some tables out there, with umbrellas. Like a sidewalk cafe kind of thing. I wonder if we can find someone to run a coffee bar.”
“Ooh, that would be perfect!” They took off down the sidewalk, jabbering about their plans.
“You should see about renting one out to a Krunchy Kreem franchise,” I called after them.
They stopped, both drop-jawed, then squealed and gripped each others’ arms.
“Or, you know, just a regular donut shop.”
But they moved on down the sidewalk, the jabber escalated in pitch and enthusiasm.
“Just kidding,” I called, louder. “No Krunchy Kreems. You want to stay away from the franchises. Concentrate locally. No Krunchy Kreems!”
G-Ma was so happy she’d forgotten to complain about Stump. I picked her up and we got back into the car. I looked at Stump.
“Well,” I said. “Looks like everything is under control here.”
Stump and I drove around for a while, and I became a little more used to the mammoth machine. Not entirely comfortable, but better. We drove out to Prairie Dog Town, and I let Stump run around and sniff stuff while I watched the little guys run around. I kind of wanted to stay late enough to watch their sunset ritual of rising on their back legs and lifting their front legs as if in prayer. I checked my phone for the tenth time. Nothing from Tony. No reason to assume he wouldn’t be at the trailer at the usual time.
I drove back to Trailertopia to shower and get ready.
Mom’s car was in the driveway. I pulled the Monster Carlo to the shallow curb and opened the door. Stump clambered over my lap, digging her heavy little paws into my legs as she pushed off and tumbled onto the grass.
I put my feet on the ground but stayed in the seat for a moment. I wasn’t sure I was up for this. After an afternoon with a happy G-Ma and prairie dogs, I wasn’t prepared to harsh my mellow just yet. But it was my house, and it’s not as if I had anywhere else to go.
I closed my eyes and said a quick prayer. “If you set this up, God,” I said, “You’re going to need to walk me through it.”
I climbed the deck steps with great trepidation, which rankled. This was my house. I didn’t need to dread coming into my own house. I yanked the door open and stomped inside.
Nothing. No Mom.
Stump and I looked at each other. No Frank, either. That in itself wasn’t too strange. He did, on occasion, have other places to be besides my recliner. But not very often.
Jeez-O-Peet, I thought. I hope she hasn’t killed him. Or he killed her. Or they killed each other.
I set my purse on the bar and headed toward the bedroom to get the stuff for my shower. As I passed the “laundry room,” Mom said, “Hey.”
I screamed and threw myself against the hallway wall.
“Ow!” I rubbed my elbow. “What are you doing? You scared the crud out of me.”
“I’m sorry,” she said, but she didn’t look sorry. She looked like she was trying to hold back a giggle. “I thought you’d see the car out front.”
“I did, but…” I guess I should have known she was somewhere on the place, but I hadn’t considered finding her in the laundry room. “Hey, what are those?”
“Those” were not my washer and dryer. My washer and dryer were ancient and rusted, with a bungee cord wrapped around the dryer door to keep it closed, and a pair of vice grips in place of a knob on the washer. These things were…well, they were shiny and new. They had all their original parts. When they worked, they probably would not make my trailer sound like it was being dragged down the road at seventy miles per hour.
She shrugged. “I knew your washer broke down and I thought…you know. You could use these.”
“Well, yeah, but…”
“It’s not a big deal. You needed it, and there have been lots of times when you needed something and I wasn’t in a position to give it to you. Now I am. So…here.”
I wasn’t sure what to say, and I couldn’t speak anyway. My throat had closed up and my eyes and nose were burning.
“That’s really thoughtful, Mom,” I finally managed. “Seriously. Yes. I can really use these.”
“Okay, well come here and let me show you how they work.”
She pointed out different settings and gave instructions for all kinds of options that I would never, ever use. We both knew I would throw everything into one load and use one setting to the exclusion of all others, but it seemed to make her feel better to go through the motions.
“Now, don’t forget, you have to clean the lint filter every single time.”
“Good grief, Mom, I know. I’ve been doing my own laundry since I was eight years old.”
“Yes, well…”
I had inadvertently vent
ured into awkward territory, so I leaned over and pulled out the lint filter. “Look at this. It feels very sturdy.” I looked closer. “Look, there’s already some lint in it. It must have been returned. Which is fine, of course, I have no problem with that at all.”
“No, I used it. I did your laundry.”
For the first time I realized there was different laundry hanging on the bar above the machines. Stuff I’d been letting pile up for weeks, even before the machine broke.
“Holy moly,” I said, heading around the corner to see the empty basket in the closet. “You did all my laundry? The entire Mount Washmore?”
She laughed. “Every bit. It didn’t take long, either. That thing is fast.”
She headed back into the kitchen. “I need to get back to Amarillo now. I told Gerry I’d be home before dark and I’m just going to make it now.”
“How long have you been here?”
“A couple of hours, I guess. Your…friend…let me in.”
“Frank. Good. I’m sorry I wasn’t around. You should have called me.”
“Oh, well, I wanted to surprise you.”
“You did that.” I was still kind of wondering if those shiny new machines were really mine.
She hoisted her purse onto her shoulder and picked up her keys. My heart started to pound again.
We stood there in awkward silence for a moment, and I said, “Listen, Mom…”
She held up a hand. “No, Salem. Seriously, it’s not that big a deal. Like I said, there were lots of times I wanted to be able to help you and I couldn’t. Now I can, and I’m glad to do it. It’s not a big deal.” She jangled her keys. “I do need to be going, though.”
I stepped up and gave her a hug, thinking, Love never fails. “Be careful driving home.”
“I will.” She gave me a flat smile. “So, I’m going for my fitting next Saturday. For my wedding dress. I was supposed to do it in the afternoon, but I could see if we could move it to the evening. Give you time to drive up. If you want to be there.”
“That sounds great, actually. I’m happy for you, Mom,” I said, surprising us both — her, because I said it, and me, because I meant it.
I showered and toweled off, standing in front of a newly washed rack of clothes. It had been so long since all my clothes were clean, I found some I hadn’t seen in months. It was almost like getting new clothes. When I pulled on a pair of jeans that had been snug last time I wore then and found them to be a trifle loose, I decided that miracles, indeed, were possible.
I got ready in time to have some prayer time before Tony would, I still assumed, be by to pick me up.
I lit my candle and bowed my head. Thoughts swirled through my mind, but I found I didn’t have words to corral them all.
I did have feelings, though. Senses.
I had peace.
I had hope.
I didn’t have a guarantee that things would work out the way I wanted them to, specifically. Not with me and my mother, not with me and Tony, not with anything else in my life, come to think of it.
But I had peace. I knew God would sustain me, and whatever I had to face next, I could. I would be okay.
For someone who constantly pinballed from one neurosis to the next, it was a pretty great feeling.
So when Tony came, he was the one who seemed nervous, and I felt remarkably composed.
“I’m glad you’re here,” I said, stepping aside to let him in.
The first thing he did was look at the recliner, where Frank was not sitting.
“Are we going out?” he asked.
I smiled. “Yes, if you want to. I asked Frank to keep Stump at his place tonight.”
He nodded, looking around the room and taking a deep breath. “Okay, yeah.”
“Look,” I said. “The other day…I wanted to give you an opportunity to say whatever you needed to say to me. That’s all. I didn’t mean to give you an ultimatum, or set the time table, or anything, but I did both of those things. And I’m sorry. I thought it would help you, to face me and say it out loud.”
“It did,” he said.
Instantly my nose started to burn and I felt like there was a horse standing on my chest. “Did it?”
He nodded.
“Well, good. So.” I faced him and took a deep breath of my own. “So I know I kind of sprung that on you without any warning, and you might not have had the chance to get your thoughts together and say everything you really wanted to say. Is there anything else you would like to say to me? Anything that occurred to you after I left?”
He nodded again.
I steeled myself. “Okay, good. Go ahead. I know I cried and everything the other day, but it’s okay. I really want you to say it. Everything.”
“Just that I have regrets, too. I wish I’d done things differently. So many times I wanted to come after you and I just…didn’t.”
I stopped in my tracks. “You – you thought about that? About coming after me?”
“Yes. All the time. I thought I should find you. Do something. But I didn’t.”
My throat closed tight. “I wanted to find you and throw you over my shoulder and carry you back home. But I knew you would just run away again.”
“I wish you had.”
“And I wish, if I had, you would have stayed.”
Hot tears were running down my cheeks now, and I dashed them away.
“I might have. I told myself for a long time that if you would just show up, prove to me that you really loved me and wanted me to be your wife, I would stay with you.” I remembered too well what a miserable, unhappy wreck I was, though. Addicted to alcohol, addicted to drama, furious with the world and willing to take it out on whoever was closest. Tony was closest and would have borne the brunt of that fury. “I probably wouldn’t have, though.”
“I know. We were kids, Salem. We acted liked kids.”
“I know. But I’m sorry I hurt you, and I’m sorry I lost the baby, and I’m sorry it took me so long to grow up.”
“Salem.” He drew me to him and held me. He felt so good – warm and solid, and I decided in that instant that I was tired of second-guessing him, waiting for him to lead.
“I want to be married to you,” I said, shocking myself as well as him. I stepped back and looked up at him. “I feel like you’re the one who’s constantly gone out on a limb for us, always taking the chances. So I’m putting myself out there this time. I want to be married to you. Like a real marriage. You might not want that, and that’s okay. I mean…” What did I mean? “You still get to make the choice and you get to keep your time line, and…I wanted to tell you how I feel. I love you. I know you might still have some thinking to do and need time, but just so you know – I’m in. I don’t know if you’re up to another try with me. I don’t know if you believe that I’ve really changed or you want more time for me to – I don’t know – prove it? And if you do, that’s fine. I can wait. I just think…if you’re willing to give me another chance, a real chance, and put up with all my weirdness and annoying stuff, then I’m certainly willing to put up with yours.”
Tony remained frozen.
“Am I terrifying you right now?”
“No, no, it’s just – my weirdness?””
“Oh, you’re not weird. It’s just…everyone has quirks. If we were to give it a real go, you know, you’ll have to put up with Stump. We’re a package deal, of course. And Viv, too, probably. And my constant neurotic freak-outs about my weight. And I’ll be happy to put up with your stuff. I mean, so you’re not the kind of guy to pin me up against the wall and kiss me breathless anymore. Big deal. I can handle that. It’s worth it, right? We’re not in our teens now. We don’t need that. We could have something deeper, you know. A connection.”
He nodded silently, looking at his hands.
Silence roared into the room. I had to clear my throat just to make sure I hadn’t suffered a case of spontaneous deafness.
“I am terrifying you right now. I knew it.” I stood a
nd paced. “Look, it’s okay. Don’t feel like what I just said was any kind of – I mean, I just wanted you to know. I’ve been wondering how you felt, and I thought maybe you were wondering how I felt, so I thought I’d just put it out there.” I spread my arms out wide. “Just…lay it all out. That certainly doesn’t mean you’re under any, you know, obligation – ”
“Salem,” he said again.
“Mmm-hmmm?” I said brightly, hoping to make it clear that he could stomp all over my heart just then and it was really no big deal.
He opened his mouth but then closed it again.
“You don’t know what to say?” I offered.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Should I offer you a multiple choice? Like, (a) I want to be married to you, too, (b) I never thought we’d be at this point and now I’m considering faking my own death to get out of it, or (c) – ”
“I don’t know what to say. And when I don’t know what to say, I just don’t say anything.”
“Well, that’s…very sensible. I ought to try that some time.”
“Could we just…could we go to dinner? And maybe a movie?”
I nodded quickly. “Sure, of course.” I stood and waved a hand. “You’re hungry, obviously. And once again, I’m springing huge decisions on you at a moment when you’re not prepared. Let’s get some dinner.”
He remained frozen.
“Not that I’m actually asking you to make a decision,” I clarified. “I’m just telling you how I feel. So you can make a — a what do they call it? I fully informed decision. When the time comes. For you to make a decision. Not that you need to make one. Now. Or ever.”
“Salem.”
“I’m shutting up now.”
He stood and walked to the door of the trailer.
Okay. So we were going to go to dinner, and a movie. And it was okay, because I wasn’t dictating the time line. I was giving him space. I was giving him time. I was stating my truth and letting God sustain me through whatever happened next.
Tony stopped, one hand on the doorknob. He looked at me, his face solemn.
I knew in that moment he was going to tell me no. No, he didn’t want to be married to me. No, he couldn’t forgive me. No, grace was not big enough to cover this.
Caught in the Crotchfire Page 33
