"We can't--" I began, but he guided me to the door with his left arm still close around my shoulders then took the pizza boxes with his right hand and passed them to me to hold while he signed the credit card slip. The pizza guy looked bemused, glancing back and forth between me and Percy as we made accepting a delivery much more difficult than it had to be, but he didn't comment. No doubt he'd seen much weirder things.
When the door was closed, I burst out laughing. "Percy, you're ridiculous."
"What?" He drew me into the kitchen then began pulling plates from the cupboard with his right hand. "I said I wouldn't let go and I'm not. I fail to see the problem."
"The problem is that the guy thinks you're insane."
He laughed. "So he adds one more name to his list of... crazy customers. Big deal. Doesn't matter at all."
I shut my eyes. His stumble in the middle, and the way his voice had changed afterwards to something stiff and strained, told me he'd realized what was bothering me. I felt sick, but strangely relieved too. I'd wondered if I wanted to tell him and now it was out of my hands. "Did you know all the way along?"
He wrapped his other arm around me and held me close. "No. It just occurred to me when I said that. That's what it is, then?"
I nodded.
Silence for a moment, while I stood drawing strength from him and hoping he wasn't disgusted by me, then he said, "I'm afraid this will come out wrong, but I'm surprised you're unhappy. From what I remember in university, you didn't feel bad about... adding a name to the list, let's say."
He was right. I hadn't gone around bragging about it but I hadn't been shy when people asked me what happened with the sexy guy I'd been kissing at the bar or the concert or wherever else I found him.
Before I could speak, his body tightened and he said, "He didn't hurt you, did he?"
I shook my head, and he relaxed. My throat tightened instead, though; his concern for me was so obvious and so lovely.
"No." I sighed. "It's..." I tried to think of what it was, since I didn't quite know myself. "Have you ever had a favorite vacation spot or something like that, a place you went to often? And then you didn't go for a long time, and when you went back not only did you not enjoy it the way you thought you would you couldn't even understand why you ever liked it?"
It was a long and convoluted speech but he must have understood it because he said, "I used to love playing slot machines but now the thought of them bores me."
"Yeah." I snuggled in closer to him. "But substitute 'makes me feel sick' for 'bores me'. The... the slot machine itself, let's say, was fine, but..." I gave a chuckle that sounded strange to my own ears. "I guess I feel like I wasted my money somehow."
His hand stroked over my hair again. "I'm sorry."
Telling him could have changed the way I felt in his embrace, could have made me wonder whether he was repulsed by me. But I knew, deep down inside, that he wasn't. He meant what he'd said: he was sorry I hadn't got what I needed out of that encounter.
He couldn't know, though, how thoroughly I was getting what I needed by being in his arms.
Chapter Thirty-Six
I did most of the work of getting our pizza onto plates and opening our cans of pop, since Percy didn't let go of me even once.
"You're really going to stay like this all night?" I said, laughing but also hopeful. I felt better when he held me.
"Definitely." He smiled at me, then said, "Well, actually, if one of us has to go to the bathroom then I think--"
"Um, yeah. Let's call that the only exception."
We laughed and settled onto the couch to eat before getting back to work. He was as good as his word, keeping that arm solidly around me, and it felt wonderful.
I finished eating before him, since it was easier with two hands, and leaned against his shoulder. "You're the best, Percy."
"That's true," he said calmly.
I giggled. "And so modest."
"Yeah, that's my best quality."
I groaned, then sobered. "You... what do you think of me? After what I did?"
His arm tightened around me. "You're Flipper. You're amazing."
There was no doubt or criticism in his voice, and I loved it.
He cleared his throat. "I'll stop calling you Flipper, you know, if you'd rather."
I looked up at him, at the sweet warmth in his eyes, and to my surprise said, "Actually, I like it."
He laughed. "Really?"
I pointed a mock-threatening finger at him. "But I'll never admit that again."
"Understood, Flipper."
I rolled my eyes and cuddled back into him. He felt so solid, so safe.
"Can I ask you something about last night?"
I nodded.
"You don't have to answer if you don't want to," he said, sounding awkward. "But... was he someone you knew already?"
I shook my head. "I went looking for a casino, to keep that metaphor going."
He made a considering sound.
"Why?"
"This will sound funny, especially coming from me, but I kind of have to say I'm impressed by what you did."
I didn't know what to say so I went with "Why?" again.
He didn't answer for a moment, then he set aside his plate and wrapped his other arm around me. "You decided what you wanted and you went out and got it. I'm not sure I've ever really done that."
I wanted to protest this, but I couldn't think of a time he'd done that either. I'd contacted him about the job, the girlfriends I'd seen him with had all gone after him because they thought he was sweet or thought he wouldn't stop them doing what they wanted, he'd talked for years about starting his own web design business but there'd never been any action... he was right, he'd never gone after something he wanted.
"I suppose," I said, "but I'm not sure going after what I went after was the right thing to do."
He shrugged, the movement jolting me a little in his arms. "Maybe not, but you still set a goal and achieved it."
A goal of picking up a stranger. "Maybe I should add it to my monthly status report for Felix."
His chuckle rumbled through him and me. "I'd love to see him read that out at a meeting."
I giggled then cuddled even closer to him. I couldn't get over how good it felt to be with him like this. No games or sex stuff getting in the way, just a beautiful warm soothing moment. I never wanted him to let me go.
*****
Though I'd have been happy to sit in Percy's arms all night, we did get a lot of work done too. He recorded the hockey game, and we worked for an hour then watched the first period of the game for a break before going back to work. Skipping the commercials and the inane chatter of the commentators made the period fly by, and the comforting weight of Percy's arm around me as we revised my web site made work feel great.
Eventually, though, the game was over and the web site was revised and I was having trouble holding back my yawns. I'd barely slept the night before, too upset to relax, but after telling Percy I felt so much better that I'd probably sleep as soundly as Paddington had after we'd gone to the nature preserve.
We stayed on the couch for a while, chatting about nothing, but eventually I yawned and said, "I'm going to be too tired to drive home if I stay any longer."
As soon as the words came out I winced, since I hadn't been hinting to be allowed to stay over but now Percy would basically have to offer. Sure enough, he said, "You're welcome to crash here. My bed is comfy."
I looked up at him, surprised.
He blushed. "I would sleep out here, of course."
For an instant, I considered not only staying over but falling asleep in his arms in his bed. Having him hold me felt so good, and drifting off to sleep in the comfort of his embrace would be even better.
But I couldn't do that. Cuddling with him all evening was more than enough without bringing the whole bedroom thing into it. It was too much to ask of a friend. "Thanks, but it's okay. I should go give Paddington another walk. The one I gave h
im after work before I came here was pretty fast."
He nodded. "Give him a pat for me, okay? Have you guys made it back to the nature preserve?"
I shook my head. "But I'm thinking about going this weekend."
"Good. He'll have fun."
I expected him to suggest he come along, but instead he said, "Shall I walk you to the door?"
"You have to, since you're not allowed to let go of me."
He chuckled. "I'm afraid I'll have to soon. My arm's not detachable so you can't take it with you."
"Everything's detachable if you try hard enough."
"Well, don't try. Come on, Flipper, up you get."
We managed to haul ourselves off the couch and to our feet and he guided me to the door. Once there, he turned me to face him. "Take care. It's been snowing a bit so the roads might be slippery."
I nodded. "Will do." Then I dropped my head to rest on his chest again. "Percy, thank you. So much. You just... everything feels so..." I shrugged, unable to find the words to explain how much better and cleaner and happier I felt. "I can't say it. But thank you."
He cuddled me close. "Any time."
"I hope it wasn't too bad an evening for you."
"Yeah, spending an evening with my arm around a gorgeous woman." He gave a dramatic shudder. "What could be worse?"
"Spending one with Patricia?" I said, deliberately not acknowledging the "gorgeous woman" part. I knew he was just teasing.
"You got me there."
Though I didn't want to, I made myself pull back so I was standing straight and not leaning on him. "I'll see you Monday. Okay?"
His smile was soft. "Absolutely."
Then he released me with both arms for the first time in hours.
I felt cold and alone at once and longed to throw myself back on him, but instead I murmured, "Bye," and made myself leave.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
When I walked into my house, barely warmer than the winter night outside, I wondered if I'd made the wrong decision. A quick check of the thermostat showed me that the ancient device had finally given up and my heat wasn't on at all. Paddington's thick fur meant he was fine, but even after a brisk walk with him I was freezing as I tried to get ready for bed.
I had another thermostat, bought just that week because Percy had thought I'd probably need one soon, but of course it couldn't do much to keep the house warm when it was still in its box.
Lying in bed, covered in blankets and wearing slippers and trying to think about the hot summer sun to warm myself up, I figured I'd eventually fall asleep despite my frostiness. Then I'd install the thermostat tomorrow after the dog walking.
I made grimacing faces in the dark to express my disgust with this. I'd have to get up, in what would by then be an even colder house, and get myself ready to go walk a bunch of dogs I didn't like and didn't want to deal with. Even the thought of such a nasty Saturday morning made sleep retreat further from me.
Asking Percy to come help me install the thermostat tonight crossed my mind, but I didn't do it because I knew he'd have agreed at once and it wasn't fair. He'd done far too much for me already.
So instead I climbed out of my slowly warming bed and went downstairs. I would do it myself. I had all the parts, and Percy had told me they were easy to install. I'd do it right away, the same day it had broken, and for the first time I'd be taking care of a home repair without letting it drag on for ages.
The packaging promised that the new thermostat would be installed in fifteen minutes. It took me forty-five, because I was terrified of connecting the wrong electrical wires and blowing me and Paddington and the house to shreds, but in the end I prevailed and heard the glorious sound of the furnace kicking in.
I sat in the living room a while, feeling the house's temperature gradually rising from Arctic to a comfortable state and thinking about everything that had happened that week. Had I been good to myself every moment? No, not even close. But I was trying. I'd picked up that guy because I'd thought it would take care of my needs, and while it had caused me trouble too it had certainly calmed my body and made it easier to interact with Felix. So in some ways it had been good.
Criticizing myself because I wasn't absolutely perfect at being good to myself seemed counterproductive. I was trying, I was improving, and that was what mattered.
Plus, I had a new friend in Sasha and a far richer friendship with Percy than we'd ever had before. He didn't mind me having slept with the other guy, didn't judge me for it, and I'd had such a wonderful evening with him. That had definitely been good for me.
My eyes began to close, so I went up to bed and fell asleep, imagining myself again in Percy's arms and warmed by more than just the furnace.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
I put the last set of dogs back in their cages and busied myself tidying up the room, not ready for what I knew I was about to do.
Yet again, it had been awful. Nobody had tripped me this time but I'd had to deal with fights and messes on the floor and a lot of aggravation I simply didn't want to face a few times a week. I did think I should help, since I felt bad for the poor dogs in their cages, but even the thought of coming back on Tuesday made me feel sick.
I thought of Catherine and all the volunteer work she did, the way she convinced her friends to knit mittens and hats for the homeless and how she organized benefit dinners to raise money for the hospital, and I thought of Felix coaching Wash's hockey team. I could keep doing the dog walking, and I knew the dogs would benefit from it. But as I hung up the last leash, I asked myself the question of the month, and could not truthfully answer that walking strange dogs was being good to myself.
When the room was spotless, I asked myself once more and got the same answer then took a deep breath and went in search of Martha. She had looked even grouchier than usual when I arrived and had barely spoken to me, so I didn't expect her to be pleased when I told her I was quitting. I also, though, didn't expect her to be so rude.
"What's it been, three visits? Four? There's something so pathetic about giving up that fast. Don't you think?"
I blinked, and for a second I agreed. But then I thought of months or years of walking those dogs, while my own sweet dog waited at home for a long walk he wouldn't get because I didn't have time, and I decided that there had to be lots of ways to improve the world that didn't require me to have an up-to-date tetanus shot. "Goodbye, Martha."
She grunted and walked away.
I stood waiting, although I couldn't have said for what, then gave myself a mental shake and gathered my purse and coat. When I dug in the purse for my car keys, which as always had settled to the depths, I encountered my wallet first, and I wondered what I could do financially to help.
Asking Martha didn't seem like it would go well, so I peeked out of the dog room and made sure the coast was clear then headed to the reception desk.
"Done for the day?"
I grimaced. "Done period, actually."
She gave me a sad but understanding smile. "You lasted pretty well, considering. Thanks for your time."
I didn't want to be thanked. I felt guilty for quitting. "Can I ask you something? How are you guys funded?"
"We get some money from the government but mostly it's adoption fees and donations."
I nodded, and reached for my wallet. "Could I set up a monthly donation?"
*****
"Well, that's great, kiddo. I'm glad you're helping them out. You've got the money, right?"
I laughed. "Dad, I wouldn't have set up the donation if I couldn't afford it." I hadn't realized quite how much money I was spending on cheesecake and Starbucks food, and now my bank account was the healthiest it had been in years.
"If you need a loan, let me know. I've got plenty."
If he'd been there in person I'd have rolled my eyes. Since he wouldn't see it over the phone I didn't waste the gesture. "Must be nice. I've got enough. So, what's up?" Dad never called just to chat, so I figured he must have had a purpose,
maybe a gift suggestion for Mom's upcoming birthday.
"We've seen twenty houses in the last two days, and we put an offer in on one last night."
I blinked. "You've done all that since Wednesday afternoon?"
"Yup."
"Wow. I don't know what to say. Tell me about the place you're trying to get."
He did, raving over the garage that would have room for both their car and a little workshop for him, then put Mom on the phone so she could tell me about the smaller-than-she-wanted kitchen which was more than made up for by the beautiful backyard where she could garden and the huge food storage area built into the basement.
Once she'd finished listing off exactly how many jars of her homemade pickles she could store, I said, "I hope you get it. I can't believe you've made so much progress in just a few days."
"Well, I guess your dad and I just didn't think it was worth wasting any more time. You helped us see it was time to let go and move on, so why not just do that? Why bother clinging to the past any more?"
Since 'the past' was my childhood home I felt like I should protest this, but I actually agreed with her. There was no point in dragging your history around with you when it wasn't doing you any good.
Thinking that, feeling the truth of it in me, I knew what I had to do, and I wanted to do it right away before I could change my mind. "Mom, I--" I cut myself off before I could lie and blame my need to get off the phone on Paddington or work. I wanted to be honest with her, as we'd all been honest with each other in discussing the house. "You've inspired me to get rid of some things I've been carrying around. Mind if I go do that now?"
She laughed. "Honey, not at all. Have fun."
I made her promise to let me know the second they heard anything about their potential new house then hung up the phone and went straight to my basement.
Once I'd spread the contents of my Damien memory box in a circle around me on the floor, I read each note and studied each picture in turn then returned it to the box. One last time, I let myself see everything the young me had hoped and dreamed about Damien and our possible future together. The dreams that had never had even a hope of coming true.
Toronto Collection Volume 3 (Toronto Series #10-13) Page 19
