He threw himself into my lap, burying his face in my chest.
Right between my breasts.
It felt wrong to push away a crying child, but even more wrong to let a ten-year-old boy stay where he was, so I gently eased him onto his feet and gave his shoulders a squeeze before letting him go.
"I can't... hug you... like that?"
He was hard to understand through the tears but I managed to figure out what he'd asked. "I think you'd better not. Is this okay?"
He gave an enormous sniff. "Did I do a bad thing?"
I was hopelessly confused about what had happened to him, but I knew the answer to that one. "No, definitely not. It's just, I'm your teacher and I don't think we're supposed to hug like that."
He stood without speaking for a moment, the only sound in the room his sniffles and dying sobs, then said, "Don't leave, Miss. Please. I'm sorry."
"Khalid, I'm not going anywhere."
He hung his head and mumbled something I couldn't hear.
"I'm sorry, Khalid, could you say that again?"
His head snapped up, his eyes wet but blazing with determination. "Only if you won't tell. Promise you won't."
"I promise," I said without thinking, then felt sick as I realized what I'd done. No matter what he told me, I wouldn't tell? That wasn't a promise I could keep.
I took a breath to say that but he burst out with, "Miss Katy, she let me hug her like that. At recess and after school and whenever the other kids weren't around. She said I was special and so I shouldn't tell the others. But one day I..." He gave a single gasping sob. "I shouldn't have told! But everyone knew I liked Miss Katy so Muneera was saying Miss Katy liked her best and that made me mad and I said no, she liked me and I could prove it, and Miss Katy heard us and told us to be quiet and that night she was gone! I made her go."
He dissolved into sobs again, and I bit my lip hard to fight back my own rising tears and to control my twisting stomach. "Khalid," I said, taking hold of his shoulders again, "it's not your fault. She decided to leave." In the middle of the night, like the worm she was, no doubt afraid that since her don't-tell rule was already partly breached Khalid would soon tell someone the whole truth and she'd be in trouble.
He shook his head. "I made her go. She said if I told she'd have to go and I did!"
She'd trapped the poor kid every way possible. I hated to push him but I had to. "Khalid, did..." How to word it? "Did she let you do anything else besides hug her? Did she do anything else?"
He stared at the floor. "Can't tell," he said, but I could hear a yearning in his voice. He wanted to. For months the poor little guy had been hauling around this guilt and shame. No wonder he'd been acting up in class.
"Khalid, it's okay to tell. Miss Katy was wrong to say it wasn't. She hugged you like that. Did she do anything else? Touch you anywhere?"
He whispered, still staring at the floor, "Patted my bum. Whenever the other kids weren't around. And kissed me on my mouth. Put her tongue in. Only once, though. I thought it was gross and she laughed and said she thought it was gross too and so she didn't do it again."
She'd been awful, but smart. Making it seem like they both hated it, like it was a joke, made him far less likely to tell.
But he'd told me. And I had no idea what to do with it.
Further, I had no idea why it was making him say he hated me.
"Is there anything else, Khalid? Did she do anything, say anything?"
He shook his head, and looking into his eyes I felt sure he was telling me the truth.
"Okay. I'm glad you told me." That was the biggest lie I'd ever told. I knew he'd needed to tell, but what was I going to do with the knowledge? "But, Khalid, why do you hate me?"
He gave me a "how stupid are you?" look. "I don't hate you, Miss."
"But you keep saying you do."
"So nobody knows I like you. If nobody knew I liked Miss Katy, Muneera wouldn't have said Miss Katy liked her and I wouldn't have done what I did and Miss Katy wouldn't have left." A tear ran down his cheek. "I don't want you to leave too, Miss. You make me feel smart."
Chapter Thirty-Three
I may have made Khalid feel smart but I felt like the stupidest person on the planet for promising to keep his secret before I knew what it was.
Before he left to wash his face and rejoin his class, he said, "You won't tell, right?" I tried to weasel out of it by saying Miss Katy shouldn't get away with what she'd done but he had been so upset that I'd had to again promise.
So I sat alone in my empty classroom facing a terrible dilemma: break the kid's confidence or let a child molester go free.
Was 'molester' too strong a word? She'd hugged him in an inappropriate way, patted his butt, and kissed him once. Maybe I was over-reacting. Maybe it wasn't a big deal at all.
But remembering how terrified Khalid had been of admitting what had happened, how Katy had twisted things around so that her leaving ended up being his fault, I knew that it was a big deal.
What I didn't know was what to do about it.
The rest of the day was a nightmare for me. Khalid seemed relieved at having shared his secret and was relaxed and well-behaved, and his Arabic studies teacher and every other teacher who interacted with him that day came by to tell me that whatever I'd done with him had changed everything for him.
I knew, though, that I hadn't done anywhere near enough. Katy was still out there, quite possibly endangering another student, and I couldn't stop wondering what she would have done next if Khalid hadn't found her kiss gross. Every time I spoke with another person I wanted to spill out everything Khalid had said but I couldn't make myself do it. I'd promised him.
I longed to tell Omar I had been entrusted with a student's secret and ask him how to handle it, because he seemed the most likely one to help without demanding to know the details, but he had a terrible cold so he slept through his lunch break and left immediately after school and I couldn't bring myself to text him and interrupt his much-needed rest as I sat at home alone that night and worried.
He didn't come in on Thursday so Janet covered his class, and having her so close made me nervous. I flipped back and forth every few minutes between thinking I needed to tell her and feeling that I shouldn't break Khalid's confidence, and I had a wicked headache by the end of the day.
I went straight home, not wanting to stay at school another second, and when I collapsed on my couch I again wished I could talk to Omar then surprised myself by wishing the same thing about Kegan. He would find some way to make things make sense, like he had that terrible night after Greg.
Before I could decide it was a bad idea, I fired up my laptop and sent him an email.
Subject: Thanks for your help and your card
Dear Kegan,
You didn't answer my last email (either of them, I guess you could say) but I really need to write you again so I am. I hope you don't mind.
I have a problem. One of my students admitted that another teacher... well, that's the thing. She hugged and touched him inappropriately quite a few times and kissed him once on the mouth. I don't know what to call it. But it doesn't seem like the right way for a teacher to behave.
But before I knew what it was I promised him I wouldn't tell. And now I feel stuck. That teacher's gone from the school, so maybe I shouldn't do anything? But that feels bad too, because she could be doing it again to another kid right now.
I get it wrong every time, you know? I just do. Everything gets so confused in my head. Whatever I decide is wrong. He's such a sweet kid and he's suffering. I wish I could find someone to decide this for me so I don't screw up.
But I know you won't write back so it won't be you.
Larissa
Writing those words only made me feel worse. They'd come tumbling out of me as I typed, and they felt true even though they were awful. Were they true? Was I a screw-up right to my core? It felt like it. And if so, then I couldn't possibly help Khalid.
My throbbing head was
nearly unbearable now, so I found some painkillers in the bathroom then took a shower in the hopes it would relax me before going out with Leon. I did feel a bit better once I was dried off and in my most comfortable jeans, good enough to email Omar to tell him I hoped he was winning the battle against his cold.
I picked up the computer to send that email, then nearly dropped it.
Subject: Re: Thanks for your help and your card
Dear Larissa,
I'm very sorry about your other messages. They didn't have a subject line and so they ended up in my spam folder. I've read them now and I have a few things to say.
You're wrong, you know. You make no end of good decisions. You decided not to let that Greg guy take things any further, you decided to trust me to drive you home, you realized you needed a change of scenery and decided to move around the world to get it and now you're there to help that kid because of that decision. You're smart, Larissa. Always have been. I don't know who's been telling you that you can't figure out the right thing to do but that person is dead wrong.
You might still want advice, though, so here it is: pretend you're the kid. How do you feel? What would you want a teacher to do if she found out something like that had happened to you? You know the kid and the situation and I have no doubt that you'll make the right choice. You don't need anyone to tell you what to do.
That night I drove you home, I realized how much you're like me. Don't scream, but it's true. And I think that just like I did, you know inside who and what you really need to be. It might be hard to make those changes in yourself, but I can tell you after having done it (or at least, getting closer to it) that it is so worth it.
Please do write me again if you want. I'd like to know what you decide to do and how it turns out. Whatever you decide, I have no doubt that you'll make the right choice and be strong enough to handle whatever happens.
Take care,
Kegan
*****
I sat on my balcony staring out at the Arabian Gulf and trying to put myself into Khalid's scuffed black uniform shoes. It wasn't easy, because I'd never been in his situation. Nobody had ever violated my boundaries and pushed me around and made me feel like everything I'd done was wrong.
Realization crashed over me like a wave on the shore.
My father had done all of those things.
He hadn't abused me, hadn't been inappropriate with me in any physical way, but he'd hated every 'girly' thing I did and tried to push me to be more like the son he'd wanted.
I'd worked hard at it, knowing it was my only chance to make him happy and earn the unconditional love and acceptance I craved, but at heart I wasn't anything but a rather girly girl so I kept falling short. All the things I wanted to do, like play with makeup and giggle about boys and spend hours trying different hairstyles, made him furious, so I tried to do what he wanted but I was terrible at it and that made him furious too.
Another wave hit me. Mr. Simmonds, my guidance counselor in elementary school, had on several occasions offered polite but clear challenges to Dad's comments, making it clear that he thought I was fine the way I was and admiring my artistic side and my empathy as well as my scientific skills and my comfort on our school ski day. His comments had infuriated my dad, and that had upset me, but at the same time I knew I'd felt glad that at least one person was on my side.
I had to be that one person on Khalid's side.
I reached for my phone to contact Omar to see what he thought, then pulled my hand back.
No. I didn't need to ask him. I knew what I thought, and that was enough.
I picked up my phone and sent a text.
Janet, can I meet you somewhere? I have something important to tell you.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Janet leaned back in her chair, hands folded on her diminished belly. Funny what you notice in times of fear: I found myself wondering how many pounds she'd lost and whether she'd found it a struggle.
She had replied to my text to say she was still at school going through paperwork, so now we were in her office and I was moments away from breaking my promise to Khalid.
"What's going on, Larissa?"
I took a deep breath, hoping to hell I was doing the right thing. I thought I was, but... "It's about Khalid." It was hard to keep going but I made myself say, "Katy let him hug her in an inappropriate way and--"
"Which means what?"
I pressed my hand to the middle of my chest. "Had him bury his face here. Multiple times."
She gave a single sharp nod, her face not betraying anything of what she thought. "Go on."
I told the rest, that she'd also touched him and kissed him and made him promise not to tell and that he felt responsible for her leaving, and then we sat in utter silence. I didn't know what to say.
"When did he tell you?"
"Yesterday morning."
Her eyes widened. "And you're just telling me now? Why didn't you come straight down here?"
I mumbled something about Khalid's promise, but she waved a hand to cut me off. I'd never seen her so angry. She snatched up her phone book, searched through it with quick sharp movements, then punched in a number and put the phone on speakerphone.
I sat, feeling sick, listening to it ring and wondering who she was calling.
"Janet? Is everything all right?"
An Arabic-accented voice. Not Katy.
"Nour, I'm afraid not."
My stomach flipped. Khalid's mom.
Janet, in several crisp sentences, laid out what I'd told her.
Nour gasped. "I will ask him."
As she shouted something in Arabic, I bit my lip. "But I promised--"
Janet glared at me, and I shut up. It was too late to do anything about it anyhow. I hung my head, tears filling my eyes, as we sat in silence and listened to small footsteps hurrying toward the phone.
When they stopped, Nour said, "Khalid, Miss Janet and Miss Larissa are on the phone. Tell me what Miss Katy did to you."
He burst into tears, but I could still understand his words. "Miss Larissa promised! She lied to me. She said she wouldn't tell."
"I'm sorry, Khalid!" I couldn't hold the words back though Janet was gesturing at me to stop. "I had to. I'm so sorry."
"Haram! I hate you!" I could hear Nour trying to silence him but he kept going. "Haram! Shame! I hate you. I hate you!"
I couldn't stand it. My feelings went far beyond shame. He'd trusted me and now he hated me for betraying his trust, and so did Janet and Nour for keeping his trust in the first place. So would Amirah and Omar and Katherine and--
I'd been wrong. Again. I'd messed up. Again.
I pushed back my chair and fled the room. Fled my new life.
Chapter Thirty-Five
I stood on the front steps of the school I'd grown to love, crying so hard I couldn't think. My mind was full of one word: 'run'. I couldn't face this. I had to get away.
Leon answered his phone on the second ring. "Good timing, I just got out of the shower. Ready to go out?"
"No," I managed then dissolved into tears again. "I need help."
"Where are you?"
I gave a quick and garbled explanation and he said, "Walk away from the school, toward the Gulf. Get out of there before they come find you. I'm on my way."
I hung up, and turned off my phone since I couldn't face a call from Janet if she was considering making one, then followed Leon's instructions, walking for about twenty minutes and struggling to keep my mind blank the whole time.
He beeped his horn at me, finally, and when I got into the car I threw myself at him, desperate for comfort. He gave me a single squeeze then eased me back and said, "Quit crying and explain again as I drive. A little more calmly. I only got half of that."
I told the whole story again, and he shook his head and admitted he'd seen Katy hugging a few boys on the playground in what seemed a little too friendly a manner.
I wiped my eyes. "You didn't tell?"
He shook his
head. "I knew exactly this would happen and I didn't want to be involved."
I sat silent, feeling sick. If he thought she was hurting kids, shouldn't he have made himself be involved anyhow?
He rubbed my shoulder. "But you're my brave girl. You told."
I gave a choked laugh. "And now everyone involved hates me and I can't see how I'll ever go back to the school."
"Then don't."
I turned to look at him, annoyed by his flippancy, only to realize he was being serious. "But I have to."
"Nope." He pulled into my apartment's parking lot, stopped the car, and turned to face me. "Look, I was going to suggest that at the end of this year we take off together and travel for the summer, but now I think we should go today."
"Now? But--"
"Yes, now. It's going to be such a mess, dealing with all this, and you don't need to be there. And I'm sick of teaching. Let's just go. We can go to Dubai tonight and then decide from there where to go next. We can be anywhere we want."
It was tempting, to be sure. I'd hated the cold look in Janet's eyes, and the pain in Khalid's voice was even worse. "But Khalid needs me. And you have your class too. And my other kids--"
"You did what you thought you had to do and now it's done. You don't need to be involved any more. And Janet will replace us. It's not our problem."
It felt like one, though. When I still hesitated, he said, "Do you really want to go back to school and face the kid's mother? Face him?"
My stomach knotted at the mere thought and I shook my head.
"Then let's go," he urged. "Grab whatever you really need from your apartment and I'll do the same at mine and then we'll fly away together. A fresh start."
I'd thought I had one here, but I'd screwed it up. Same old Larissa. My heart hurting, I said, "Okay."
Chapter Thirty-Six
I stuffed some clothes and a few of my things into a suitcase while Leon used my computer and both of our credit cards to buy last-minute plane tickets to Dubai. The frantic activity of it all made it easier not to think, and I did my best to keep my mind blank as I packed.
Toronto Collection Volume 3 (Toronto Series #10-13) Page 50
