I could still hear their laughter. Years of therapy got me through it, but there were still occasional nights when I’d wake up with the sheets stuck to me and a scream for help on my lips. I never wanted to feel that helpless again. Seeing her face brought back those terrible feelings.
I dropped the picture quickly and went to put the lid on the box, but Devin must have seen my response to her picture. He picked it up and looked at me kind of strange.
“Do you know her?” he asked as he held up the photo.
“No, who is it?” I pretended to not know who she was.
“No one,” he said as he balled up the photo of Renee and threw it into the trash can next to his dresser.
I instantly felt relief in knowing he no longer had a connection to such a cruel girl and I prayed that I’d never have to see her face again.
Sixteen
Puzzle Pieces
After hanging out in my room with Lilly for a while, it was time for dinner and we were all sitting around the little table in the middle of the kitchen.
“I don’t need a math tutor! Come on, dad, that’s crazy! I already spend way too much time in school and now you want to me get a math tutor? This is bullsh…,” she stopped immediately.
Dad glared at her.
“You keep it up with that filthy mouth and I’ll hire a lady to teach you how to act,” Dad said as he winked at Lilly.
Of course my family would spend this time arguing in front of a dinner guest. I love them, but couldn’t this wait until we were alone?
I looked over at Lilly and watched as she played with her spaghetti with her head down. She looked really beautiful, but I could tell there was something bothering her. I’d have to remember to ask her what was wrong later when we were alone.
Not that it mattered, but with the clothes she was wearing I could tell that she was slimming down a bit and I silently hoped she wouldn’t get too slim. Those thoughts made me smile to myself.
I’d most definitely come a long way from the tall and skinny girls that used to appeal to me. Lilly wasn’t skinny and she wasn’t tall, but she was slowly becoming everything I could ever want.
She pushed her hair behind her ear revealing her neck and for a minute all I could think about was putting my mouth there. I don’t know how it happened or when it happened, but every moment I spend around Lilly was pure Hell for me. There were moments when we were around each other that all I could think about was holding her close to me. I pictured her smile just after I’d kissed her good and hard. I imagined the softness of her skin.
Sometimes, I imagined doing things to her with my mouth and hands, things that would make her say my name over and over again, things that she was probably clueless about.
I won’t get to be the one who introduces those things to her. Some other man who deserved her would have that luxury, but I’d always have tiny moments like this one. Moments where I watched as she played with her food without knowing my eyes were on her. I’d always have the memory of her smile and the sound of her laughter. It would have to be enough.
Hopefully, once all of this shit was done and over with, I could move easily back into my old role and be myself again. Hopefully, I’d be able to forget about Lilly, with the exception of a few tucked away memories that only I knew existed.
She must have felt my stare because she looked up. She didn’t say a word, but I could see it in her eyes. She was thinking about me, too. Maybe not those exact things, but something that made her blush since her sweet face was the same color as the spaghetti sauce on her plate.
She wanted me—I could see it every time she looked at me. You don’t know Hell, until you’re near an untouchable woman that makes your blood boil; a woman you knew would do anything you desired, if you were allowed to touch her. Hell.
I felt myself hardening and panicked. Before realizing what I was doing I jumped up from the table. The chair skidded around the kitchen floor and the table shook. Dad and Jenny stared at me like I’d lost my mind. Lilly quickly looked back down at her plate of food.
“I’ll be right back,” I blurted out.
When I made it to the bathroom in the hallway, I stared into the mirror and counted from one hundred backward. It was always something different every time I got around Lilly. Today, it was counting backward. Yesterday, I recited the pledge of allegiance three times. There’s no telling what I’ll do tomorrow to take my mind off of sex with her.
Ten minutes later, I was ready to join dinner again. The rest of the night flowed smoothly. We talked and laughed throughout dinner and then we ate the strawberry cheesecake that Lilly made for dessert. It was delicious, of course. My dad was his usual humorous self and Jenny went on and on about school and her friends.
During the conversation, Lilly even somehow talked Jenny into going to some school dance and had somehow managed to convince her to wear a skirt. Dad and I both laughed out loud at that one. Jenny blushed and Lilly gave us both the bug-eyed, “stop that” look. She patted Jenny’s hand and whispered something about men and how ignorant we were. We all continued to laugh. This house hadn’t seen this much joy in a very long time.
Through it all, I could tell one very important thing, Lilly fit. My family adored her and she loved them. I could tell by the way she smiled at my dad or laughed with Jenny. She fit perfectly in my world. She was like a missing puzzle piece for us and that was probably the scariest realization ever.
After dinner we all sat in the living room and watched a movie. Dad passed out in his chair twenty minutes in and Jenny, who was lying on her stomach on the floor in front of the TV, didn’t even know we existed. I had no clue what the movie was about, all I could do was think about how nice it felt to snuggle on my couch with Lilly. It felt so right.
These were things I shouldn’t be thinking. These were the thoughts that were not allowed to run through my brain at any point and time, but I couldn’t stop them. I was falling for her and I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or really bad thing.
When it was time to leave, I walked Lilly to her car. I wanted to ask her to stay with me. I wanted her in my bed for the rest of the night whether we were snuggled up sleeping or enjoying each other, either way sounded great to me. I never said a word about her staying, though. As far as I was concerned, that was just another illegal thought.
“I adore your family,” she said as she dug through her purse for her keys.
“They love you.” I couldn’t take my eyes off her.
She giggled and then pulled her keys out.
Please stay with me. Please stay.
“I’ll call you tomorrow.” My voice sounded raw, like I’d spent the night eating gravel.
“OK. Goodnight.” She leaned up and kissed my cheek.
The warmth of her mouth made the entire right side of my face tingle.
“Goodnight, sweetheart.”
I stayed on the front porch and watched as she drove away. Her tail lights were completely gone before I finally went in.
“I like her, Dev,” Jenny said on the way to her room. “Like, I really like her. I think she’s a keeper.”
“Yeah, I like her, too. I don’t know about the keeper part, though,” I grinned.
“Oh shut the hell up! You ain’t foolin’ nobody. Me and dad saw you eye fucking her at the table.”
“Jenny!”
“What? I didn’t say balls.” She laughed as she shut her bedroom door in my face.
That night I had the most vivid nightmare about Lilly. It started out like any other dream I had with her involved. We were kissing and touching, you know, the usual guy dream, but this time in the middle of the dream she started to disappear. I kept calling out for her to stay, but she just smiled and backed away from me while slowly disappearing. Before she disappeared completely, her face transformed into the face of my mother. Then she was gone.
I woke up in a cold sweat with Lilly’s name on my lips. Needless to say, it was a sleepless night.
Seventee
n
Breaking Rules
We developed a routine after that. Lilly came to my house for dinner often and brought Dad a different dessert each time. Occasionally, I spent the night at her place and slept on the couch. That only happened on late nights when I was too tired for the long drive home, and only when Lilly insisted on it.
I even saw her mom a few times, which was horrible, but I just kept pushing it into my head that it was the most important thing I could ever do for the most important people in my life. The only problem was, Lilly was rapidly becoming one of those important people.
As hard as I tried to keep the relationship light, I couldn’t help it. Being with Lilly was like second nature and the sexual tension was starting to kill us both. We stayed that way for weeks until finally I snapped.
We had spent the night watching movies and eating take-out Chinese at her place. It was just like any other normal night and as bad as I wanted to stay cuddled on the couch with her, I knew I had to go.
“OK, baby, I gotta get going,” I said as I stood and stretched.
These late nights and early work days were starting to take a toll on me. No matter how much sleep I was getting I always felt tired. It was sleep, but it was a restless sleep.
“Stay,” she whined as she stood and wrapped her arms around my waist.
“I can’t, babe. I gotta be up bright and early in the morning.”
She looked up at me and poked her bottom lip out. She looked so damn cute that I couldn’t resist laughing.
“Alright, alright, I’ll stay, but only because you gave me the puppy dog face. It has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I’m completely addicted to you,” I pulled her closer to me and she wrapped her arms around my neck.
“You’re addicted to me?”
“Oh yeah, I’m in need of serious intervention.” I gave her a quick peck as she giggled. “I’ll just go get a blanket and pillow. It’s not going to freak Shannon out when she comes home and I’m crashed on the couch again?”
I started toward the linen closet in the hallway and grabbed for an extra blanket and pillow. When I turned around Lilly was standing in front of me.
“That won’t be an issue because you’re not sleeping on the couch tonight.”
She pulled the blanket from out of my arms and stuffed it back into the closet. I started to protest when she covered my mouth with her hand.
“Devin, I want to fall asleep in your arms. I haven’t had a decent night of sleep in weeks and I’m tired. I know the only way I’ll sleep well is if you’re lying next to me, so come on.”
She slipped her hand into mine. I did nothing to stop her as she pulled me the rest of the way down the hall and then into her bedroom. What could I say? Those were my thoughts exactly, and if she wanted to sleep in my arms as badly as I wanted her to, then I knew I could control the situation. I could be a gentleman just one last time before all of this was over.
I knew deep down that I’d have to be honest with Lilly at some point, preferably after I had the money in my hands, and I also knew she’d never talk to me again.
I held her close to me and rested my cheek against the top of her head. It wasn’t long until I felt myself losing my battle with sleep. I was almost gone when I felt her finger against my lips. I popped my eyes open and there she was smiling back at me.
“Sorry, I can’t help myself,” she smiled. “I love your mouth.”
The sleepy feeling went away instantly as she ran her finger across my bottom lip. I wanted to suck it and nibble the tip, but I didn’t.
“My mouth loves you,” I responded.
I laid there while she traced my lips. Her touch did so many things to me. I looked into her eyes, my favorite thing to do, and wondered to myself how she got into my world. How did she get in my head?
She ran her fingertip across my brow and I closed my eyes as she softly touched my eye-lids. When I opened them to look at her again, she ran her fingers around my eye socket.
“I love your eyes,” she whispered.
I swallowed hard. “My eyes love you.”
Other words were on the tip of my tongue. I wanted to say so many things, but I felt like my mouth was full of dry sand. I had to quit ignoring what my heart was repeating with every beat. I had to stop denying it. I was slowly falling in love with her.
She was so much fun to be around. I felt happiness just being near her. I was always smiling and it felt great. She made me feel again and that was, in itself, wonderful.
“I love your cheeks,” she said as her finger moved down my cheek.
Speaking wasn’t an option for me. I just watched and allowed her a freedom that I’d never allowed anyone else. She had complete control of me.
“And I love this,” she said as she ran her finger through my goatee and mustache, circling my mouth.
I softly kissed her finger-tip when it stopped on my lips.
Then a thought hit me. This would all be over soon. I’d have to leave her. What was I thinking? There was no way in Hell I’d ever tell her the truth. It was cruel and unneeded. I’d do the honorable thing and just walk away. I’d end it as soon as I could and I’d walk away and never look back.
I was a horrible person. I did it all for money and it bit me in the ass. I was falling in love with her. Karma was having her way with me, whips and chains style without a safe word, and I could do nothing to stop her.
Lilly deserved a good person. She deserved someone who loved her because she was the most wonderful woman in the world, inside and out, not some broke mechanic who accidentally fell in love with her because he was being paid to date her. I knew what would come in the next couple of weeks, and it was probably a good idea for me to start preparing to mentally back away. It would be easier for both of us if I did that.
“What did I do to deserve you?” she sighed.
Exactly! What had she done to deserve me? She didn’t deserve me—a horrible person who worries more about himself than anyone else. Well, that wasn’t entirely true—I was doing it for dad and Jenny. More for them than for me, but still, it didn’t excuse the fact that I let this poor girl fall for me. Leaving her behind was going to hurt like a bitch. She deserved better, period.
She leaned up and kissed me sweetly. The more and more we did this, the harder it was for me to leave. I’d come over to her house or she’d come to mine, we’d get close to having sex, and I’d either take her home or I’d leave. It wasn’t right, but I couldn’t help it. The time I had with her was so precious to me and her touch felt so damn good.
After all the women I’d been with, this girl could touch me and bring me to my knees every time. Her skin was so soft, she was so soft. It wasn’t like being with Renee or any of the other skanks. Lilly was caring and gentle in everything she did. She touched me like she loved me, and for a boy whose mother walked out on him, a boy who hadn’t felt worthy of any form of love, it was huge for me. Having to resist that time and time again was breaking me down.
I kissed her back, pulling soft moans from her. She tugged me closer and I thought I was going to catch on fire when she put her hand up my shirt and began to rub my stomach up and down. Lower and lower, closer and closer to the top of my jeans. I assumed she was a virgin, but she knew what the hell she was doing and it made me wonder.
“You make me so crazy,” she murmured in my ear. “Everything about you makes me so…”
She cut off and starting kissing me again. OK, so this time she was sweet talking me, too. It was definitely going to be hard to walk away this time. I just kissed her back, deep down praying to God that I could refrain this time around. I always prayed when we got to this point.
When I didn’t think it could get much worse for me, she grabbed my hand and forced it up her shirt and pressed my palm against her hard nipple. I was so totally wrong about it getting worse.
“I want you, Devin,” she whispered in my ear.
I sat up quickly and snatched my hand back like a rattle snake was
nestled inside her shirt.
Why did she have to say things like that to me? I pulled her shirt down and then mine while lying back beside her.
“I think I should probably just go home, Lil. Dad’s got tons of work for me to do tomorrow and I’m gonna to need to be there early,” I said quickly, stumbling through all the words. “You gonna walk me to the door?” I tried to act unaffected.
Holy shit I was affected; about to cum in pants affected, which is just crazy because all I did was touch her tit like some fourteen-year-old copping a feel.
“Don’t leave me, please,” she whispered. “You always leave when we get to this part and I…I just don’t think I can…”She stopped.
“What?” I asked.
“I don’t think I can stand another night alone in this bed, especially with you on my mind. You always leave me like this and I can’t do it anymore, Devin. You’re making me crazy, mentally and especially physically. I just need to know, is there a reason you keep stopping this? Is it me?” I watched her throat work up and down as she swallowed hard. “I know I’m not a skinny girl and I promise to be understanding. Just tell me the truth, are you not attracted to me sexually? I can take it, you know. I’d prefer the honesty.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. She thought I didn’t want her. She thought I wasn’t attracted to her. She had no idea of the list of sexual things my body begged me to do to her.
How do you tell the woman who haunts your dreams every night that you can’t have sex with her, ever? No matter how much I fantasized about it, no matter how badly I wanted to rip her clothes off and bury myself deep inside of her, I couldn’t. I wanted to connect my body with hers in a way that only the deepest parts of my soul could understand. I was in agony, and it fucking sucked.
How do I tell her that the reason I won’t have her is because it would be wrong? It was wrong because the whole relationship started out as a lie. Technically, it still was a lie. Even though over the last couple of weeks Lilly had beat down every metaphorical wall I had and was now wrapped tightly around my heart, I was still taking her mother’s money. I was still lying to her.
On the Plus Side Page 13
