by E. Cullen
Twilight Midnight Sun:
Edward’s version of The Twilight Saga
E. Cullen
Copyright © 2014 by E. Cullen
All Rights Reserved.
Twilight Midnight Sun: Edward’s version of The Twilight Saga is a work of fiction. This is a Parody of Stephenie Meyer’s books of The Twilight Saga. Any names, characters, businesses, places, events or incidents, are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual persons, animals, things, living, dead, destroyed, or actual events from the past or present is purely coincidental. Twilight Midnight Sun: Edward’s version of the Twilight Saga was produced from the imagination of E. Cullen.
When the sun goes down, he will be clean, and after that he may eat the sacred offerings, for they are his food.
Leviticus 22:7 NIV
This confession is dedicated to my love, though she must never know that I’ve written about the truth…
To all who are meddlesome,
So, you’re truly interested in the story of my life. That’s why you’re here, and I’m practically flattered. You’ve longed for the truth, and I’ve saved the best for last. I regret to inform you that I’ve consumed too much of my homemade red wine. You probably already know the source of my red wine. I can assure you that you can’t purchase a bottle of my red wine in stores. Please forgive me if things aren’t what they seem. I shall put in as much effort into this revelation as I can possibly endure during my somewhat drunken circumstance.
You may require a box of tissues with you since the truth was not meant for all to withstand. I trust you will not think any less of me as I open my heart to you. She must never know that I’ve written about the truth. You know exactly who she is, yet you remain. I already assume that you may smell quite nice, though we’ve never had the joy of coming together. I’m sure that you may one day feel my presence while you slumber. I would stare at you with temptation, yet I would not dare to go there because she would certainly sense your stench all over me. I would never do that to you though we could always gather in secret. I wouldn’t mind a sample, a taste, but I’m just teasing you, so relax. I wonder where I shall begin with this confession. I could start from the end, middle, or beginning.
My hair must be perfect as I write this revelation to all. I love to check my hair every chance I get since my hair is an entity of perfection. I’ve been relishing my appointments at the hair salon since I always receive the royal treatment package, which is available for a limited time only. I suppose I will reminisce about old times as they flow through my beautiful mind. I will do my best to tell you as much as I care to share. Just sit back and relax. I won’t harm you after you’ve read about the truth, though I will be tempted to fantasize about pursuing your scent. There is no doubt in my soul that your scent is terribly hard to ignore. I should probably not say anymore since you’re my guest, though we are not in the same room. While you continue to endure my words as they run through your mind, do not dare to look behind you since I’m not as fast as you may believe.
You may wish it were to be, yet in reality you would probably scream at the sight of me. We shall not go there for your sake. I highly recommend that you get comfortable. Make yourself a hot cup of coffee or hot chocolate. Perhaps you would like a glass of red wine to quench your mysterious desires. You could always get a warm cup of blood, but you’re not like me. You may want to become like me, yet you shall never see that day.
Drinking the red stuff for the first time is not what you think. You should always try different things at least one time in your life. I will enjoy a warm glass of the red stuff as I write about the truth. I don’t mean to repel you with my cravings. You know what I am and why I drink the good stuff. You better not think that I’m a monster because I most certainly am not. I’m a leech, a junkie! I would write the truth in blood—if I could! I apologize for my rise in temperature, and I’m glad that we are not close by. I’m addicted to the red stuff. It gets us junkies high, and we love it so much. I suppose that I should get on with it since you’ve been perspiring for the bloody truth.
The truth was that she was a total virgin, not that there is anything wrong with that. She had never been kissed, and it was extremely awkward. When I studied her for the first time, her smell was frustrating at first, yet she remained desirable. I developed an unusual craving for her passionate red juice that she processed. When many different worlds came together, things suddenly became complicated…
Act 1
First Bloodstained Thoughts
Bellduh waited for me in the dark forest as I anxiously sought her out. She had called me up earlier because she wanted to show me something unspeakable. She seemed very depressed over the phone, though I wondered what was on her beautiful mind. I was certain that she was a witch and had placed a spell on the town of Eclipse. Her and her friends were a gang of weird girls who practiced witchcraft in their free time. It was obvious that they had a lot of free time. I had made my way to the dark forest, and I could already smell her blood. The smell of Bellduh’s blood illuminated my mind with extreme gluttony. Her blood was meant for my pleasure only. Only a junkie could understand the way I felt.
The rain fell hard, and the thunder erupted as the lightning lit up the sky. I knew Bellduh was across from me, but something was not right. Bellduh’s blood had suddenly smelled like something foul. To be polite, it smelled like bad perfume. She hid behind a large tree and waited for me in mystery.
“Stay where you are, Edworth! Don’t you dare come any closer! Just stop!” Bellduh cried.
I halted, and I didn’t move another inch. I was such a sucker for Bellduh Swansinner. I really was a sucker in more ways than one. I probably would have done anything for her, but I wasn’t one to keep my promises. She stayed hidden behind a large tree as my mind was helpless to think clearly.
“Bellduh, come out. Please don’t play this game with me. You called me earlier, remember? Do you recall what my reason for existing is?
“So you can show everyone your perfect hair and perfect everything else?”
I have to admit that Bellduh was not the brightest girl out there, but her blood smelled great most of the time.
“Well, duh… I mean no Bellduh… that is not my reason for existing. I do appreciate the compliment, Bellduh.”
Bellduh stayed where she was while I tried to think of something clever. I thought that she was really embarrassed for not remembering the reason for my existence. I felt like I was speaking to a tree trunk. All I could do was stay where I was and listen to her intoxicating voice and inhale the erotic smell of her blood, which suddenly smelled like pizza. God, I missed being normal. I hoped that she wasn’t upset at me for catching me in the act as I watched inappropriate stuff on the internet. I couldn’t help but enjoy all the pleasures of the internet. It’s not my fault that I’m a junkie. If you happen to be a junkie, then you should understand. I continued to deal with Bellduh, yet all I wanted was her red syrup.
“You won’t love me anymore, Edworth Cuddles! You won’t want me anymore after you see!” Bellduh cried.
“Can you please do one thing for me, Bellduh? Please do not raise your voice. I can hear you from where I’m standing. Just take a deep breath and come out. Let's talk more about what is on your mind. You know that you can tell me anything.”
“I will come out then, Edworth. Just remain there and promise me one thing. Promise me that you won’t laugh. Promise me that we will be together, forever and ever.”
“I promise, Bellduh. We will be together forever and ever.”
“How long is forever for you, Edworth Cuddles?”
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“”Forever is forever and ever. You know what I mean.”
“I hope you mean it when you say forever and ever or else!”
“Bellduh Swansinner, whether you’re a witch or not, we will be together forever and ever.”
“Forever and ever sounds beautiful, Edworth. Don’t ever break your promise or else. Forever and ever better mean forever and ever.”
The things that I’ve done for the love of Bellduh’s blood was something that only I could do. I would have done anything and everything for Bellduh’s warm red honey.
“Everything that we are is the same, Bellduh. Forever is true, and I made you that promise before. You know how I feel about your blood… I mean you, Bellduh. Remember my reason for existing. You and I are one. Now please come out and show me what you wanted to show me or else I will suck you dry… I mean kiss you, like, on the lips.”
The anticipation killed me with a passion inside. I just wanted to yell at Bellduh for putting me in that position. I wanted to hurt her so badly, but I couldn’t do that to her. She made me miss my manicure appointment, which I was eagerly waiting for. I also wanted to try out the new nail polish glitter that was on sale.
I couldn’t actually hurt Bellduh, but she could be so bothersome, even if she was actually a terrible witch. I was so protective of my sweet love, Bellduh. My attraction to Bellduh’s red stuff was viciously alarming, unthinkable, and unspeakable. Bellduh’s blood was mine forever, and ever. I wasn’t going to let anyone have Bellduh, I mean her red polish. Her blood completed me, yet she wasn’t the most beautiful person in the world, and I didn’t mind if she practiced witchcraft with her weirdo friends. That explained why she and her group of friends were so weird. I desired to marry her blood, but I shall come to that later. Nothing would have torn us apart. My junkie life would have been taken from me before anyone could have destroyed our love. Bellduh finally stepped out of her concealment. Inch by inch she revealed herself to me. My mouth dropped—in disbelief.
“It’s me. Don’t you recognize me, Edworth? Do you still love me, Edworth? Together forever, and ever, remember?”
“Bellduh, did I really say forever, and ever?”
“Yes, Edworth Cuddles, like only one too many times and you meant it!”
I stepped back a couple of steps as Bellduh approached me. I didn’t recognize her since she had aged—horribly! I was overdramatic, and I believed that I was about to throw up in my mouth, but I kept it in. I had to humor Bellduh, since all I really cared about was her blood, but I didn’t want her to know that. She was capable of wicked things.
“Bellduh, you are more beautiful than I have ever seen you. You are mine, forever, and ever.”
The truth was that she was absolutely hideous. She reminded me of a wicked old witch. Her lovely scent of blood was the solitary thing that kept me sane. I didn’t mind that her scent was a little off that day. She looked like she had aged one-thousand years. Her hair was white, blue, and it had lost its luster. Her skin was crinkly and resembled something of a Halloween mask that I’ve seen in stores. I wondered where her broom was hiding. Bellduh was frail, and her teeth were almost green. Her eyes were bloodshot and teary. I noticed a tad of facial hair as Bellduh raised her arms and approached me.
“Kiss me, my love. I desire you, Edworth Cuddles. Hold me now and forever.”
I cringed as Bellduh got closer and opened her mouth for a kiss. I froze up, and I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to hit her with something hard to make sure that she was not going to get back up. I looked around to see if she had hidden her broom. Bellduh put her arms around me and came closer for a kiss. My arms were yet at my sides as I tilted down towards Bellduh’s disgusting mouth. My eyes bulged out in fright as I drew closer to Bellduh’s filth. Her mouth was slimy and grotesque. No junkie deserved to be in that position. Only a normal person would deserve to be in that situation. My face cringed in agony, and I couldn’t breathe. We were about to touch tongues unfortunately.
“NO!” I cried.
I was so relieved when I opened my strained eyes. I had let my thoughts get the best of me once more. Bellduh was grotesque, and I did not wish that occurrence on my worst enemy. I paced around my bedroom, and I wondered if I could ever be with Bellduh looking the way she did. I knew she had aged horribly, but that was just unacceptable. It was just so wrong in every way imaginable. I wanted to contact a lawyer so that I could prosecute Bellduh for causing me to have such undesirable thoughts. I consider myself royalty and consider myself to be above the rest. I don’t mean to sound conceited, but I was born to be this way. I know I’m a junkie, but I want to have my cake and eat it too. Most junkies aren’t like me since they help themselves to anything they can get.
The thought of Bellduh aging like a prune haunted my thoughts. All I could think about was Bellduh. I was completely obsessed with her red lava to the point that you would have lost all respect for me. Well, I guess that’s what any junkie truly cared about. That’s what I loved, and that’s what I craved with a passion. I wanted all of her blood to the last bloody drop. I wanted to mix her red fluid with my morning coffee, yet I didn’t really drink coffee. I just really loved to inhale it. I really wanted to get inside her mind. If you were a junkie like me, you would probably understand my obsession with Bellduh’s red stuff. I always wanted to pour her bloody syrup into an expensive wine glass that had all kinds of fancy engravings on it. I wanted to sip it slowly and savor every treasured taste.
Act 2
The Art of Perfection
I hardly kept track of time since the only time I really cared about was Bellduh time. Ever since Bellduh Swansinner had plagued the town with her mysterious presence, everyone in the minuscule town of Eclipse had gone weird. The strange had become odder, and the dumb had become a lot dumber. I knew some people were already dumb, yet I was surprised at how much dumber they had become. I was certain that Bellduh had used her witchery on the townsfolk. I had not yet discovered that I wasn’t the same. I’m a little embarrassed to tell you what Bellduh had done to me, but I will get to it later.
I prepared for school, and I always looked forward to every second of Bellduh’s presence. Students had been auditioning for the Black Swan school play. I had longed to be in that play for as long as I could remember. I had my leotards ready to be worn, and I was ready to show off my moves. I loved going to school since it was a lot better than being bored at home trying to look prettier. I would have rather shown off my beauty around school, and I figured since I was a junkie that I was going to stay beautiful forever. I paced back and forth in anticipation of seeing the look on all the students at school when they watched me enter the school. I was somewhat of a celebrity at Eclipse High.
School felt like an event for me, and I wanted to satisfy everyone. I had dropped a great deal of my time relishing my own good looks. I truly had no response to why every person couldn’t be equally attractive as me. It was really so sad to even think about it. I felt like I was a gift to all women, and I couldn’t help but feel that way.
When I heard what the girls at school were saying about me, it was hard not to feel superior. I suppose you think I’m in love with myself. Well, maybe just a tiny little bit. Ok, I truly love myself, but you would too if you were me. I’m Edworth Cuddles, and I’m the most beautiful junkie in town of Eclipse since sliced ham. When you’re this beautiful, well, I won’t say anymore because you must know the rest. It’s astonishing how quickly the time can go by when you are admiring your own beauty. I'm sure you do the same thing from time to time. See, I knew it was true. You can’t get through one day without looking in the mirror.
I love to sing in the shower as I clean every inch of my priceless figure. You must wonder what I must sing while having a long soothing shower. I always look perfect in the morning, though I don’t sleep much. You must wake up as Bellduh does, with her morning eye crusts, bad hair, and foul breath. However, I don’t care much for Bellduh’s filth since Bellduh’s flavorful red rum
is what I crave to the last teaspoon with a hint of lemon juice. I always wanted to try a little lemon juice with her divine fluid.
I always prepare myself for any outing. It was time for me to prepare for school. As usual, I had planned to make my grand entrance into the school parking lot. Eclipse High was full of on and off relationships. It was especially ridiculous with my so-called family. I constantly looked forward to showing off my beautifully feathered hair. I loved to add highlights from day to day. The highlights brought out my sweet and sour eyes when there was too much sun outside. I was hot, and I knew it too much that it was almost disturbing to some. I was actually too hot at times that I had to find some shade to cool down.
It was always the same routine every single day. I believed in preserving the best entrance at school for last, and I possessed a reputation to uphold. I would arrive at the last minute to look cooler than I really was. Everyone knew me, Edworth Cuddles, the coolest student at Eclipse High.
Permit me to begin by telling you about my daily procedure. I was very cautious about my appearance before I arrived at school in the morning.
Unlike most junkies, I believed in taking care of my figure. After hours of stalking the girls in town, I spent several hours in the morning preparing for my grand entrance at school. Since I rarely slept, I had nothing better to do in a small town. I loved to practice my ballet moves as if no one was watching.
I never used to spend as much time preparing myself before school. I still take care of myself as I write, yet I’m still somewhat intoxicated from all the red wine that I’ve consumed. I am now obsessed with taking better care of my appearance. I exercise seven days a week to maintain my figure. I don’t have to, but I want to fit in. I will start with perfecting my hair, and I happen to have the best hair in town. I make sure every hair is placed where it should be. I will use just a touch of hair gel to keep it natural looking and not glued on like some guys do. Every wave of my hair must be perfectly feathered looking. I will not leave home without perfectly feathered hair. I will not, must not, and absolutely refuse because I love my hair. I had inquired to buy insurance for my hair and was laughed at, though I didn’t see what was so amusing. I’ve been offered cash under the table for just a handful of my lustrous hair. I’m actually better than everyone, and I know it, don’t you think? Don’t be upset at me, I’m Edworth Cuddles; I was born to be beautiful. I may be a junkie, but I’m not a monster.
