Yes, I agreed inwardly; that will be a test.
Nineteen
HEARTFELT FRIENDS
‘If you intend thus to disdain, it does the more enrapture me, And even so, I still remain a lover in captivity.
– Henry VIII of England, Greensleeves
I stole away from the front desk at half past four in order to find the newspaper in the staffroom. It was so incredibly coincidental that I had to reread it. It could have easily convinced me, as it had them, that it’d been this unfortunate escapee in the Cray with us, if I had not known exactly who locked the doors. If only I knew why.
I walked the corridors, passing the Colman Smith Gallery, hoping to bump into him. I couldn’t stay angry with him – I wanted him to know that he could confide in me, as he seemed to want to do. I had though forgotten he was busy in there this afternoon, which I’d heard Frances mention to Geoffrey earlier. With the door closed Thom was changing the layout of the room to incorporate some children’s artwork based on the Cray. I passed by at a leisurely pace and told myself not to get my hopes up. The gallery door opened.
‘Hello,’ said Thom, leaning out of it slightly. ‘Still mad with me?’
‘Everyone is okay, sir.’ I shrugged. ‘So, I guess not.’
‘You saw the paper?’
‘I read it on my break.’
‘Did you–’ He hesitated. ‘Did you see the article on the escaped mental patient?’
‘Possibly.’
‘Well’ – he levelled his eyes with mine and smirked – ‘never fear, I won’t turn you in!’ He closed the door on me, and I walked on. – I heard it open again. I looked back. He stepped out.
‘Alex, would you come here a moment?’ He did this as if I’d just been speaking to someone else entirely!
I stepped up to him.
He widened the door for me to enter. ‘I want to show you something.’
He didn’t take his eyes off mine. That is until he stood me in front of the wall next to his office door, before a painting he’d probably just hung there. It was very striking.
‘Is it yours?’ I asked.
‘No, but you know the artist. Look at the painting, Alex.’
At the centre of the portrait was a demonic looking figure, probably the Devil, trying to pass in human form. Around him, caressing and shielding him was an Angel sprouting large white wings. Her face was turned in on the crook of his neck, but so that her cheek was just touching his. She had a soft smile, expressing relief. The Devil stared out of the painting with familiar and foreboding eyes. He smiled too in a similar way. In the bottom right-hand corner were the artist’s initials.
‘It’s by Frances!’ I smiled.
Thom nodded. ‘And I have to say, though an amateur she is, it is impressive. Do you paint, as well as sketch, Alex?’
‘Yes – I enjoy it.’
‘I’d like to see something of yours, sometime.’ He cast me a sidelong glance.
‘I’m not very good. I usually give up before finishing a painting.’
‘Have you ever finished a painting?’
‘Yes. But I’ve been known to start again on another canvas, to see if I can better it.’
‘Ah, I see, somewhat of a perfectionist. You expect too much of yourself. You’re afraid of yourself, terrified to fail. So you invent excuses to not complete it, thereby not failing at it.’
‘When you’ve quite finished psychoanalysing me, Doctor Jung!’
My brain was meanwhile at work trying to figure him out. What was with all these antics? Or was it merely a change in direction? Why was I, a moment ago, teased and deserted, before being invited into his presence?
‘I’m very glad we’re friends, Alex.’ He turned to me.
‘So am I,’ I rapped out, sincerely.
‘Are you?’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘And I can talk to you about anything, do you think?’
‘Absolutely. If only you would. Perhaps I wouldn’t be so shocked or angry with you when–’
‘I’m so unsure about that, Alex.’ He shook his head.
‘Why should you be?’
‘You ask so many questions. Sometimes I’m convinced you have no faith in me – not a whit. You give me various looks; take a range of tones with me. It often feels like you’re trying to catch me out. You don’t see how much I do to try to prove you can trust me.’
‘Like what?’
‘Everything! You know I’m different. You know very well that I’ve taken risks in front of others, with things that are, let’s say, my business and no one else’s.’
He took a step towards me. His arms began to unfold, and I confess I thought they might re-fold around me at any moment – as I thought they once had.
‘I’ve often had a mind to share them with you, Alex, gradually. You know this?’
‘You’ve said you would explain things – your secrets, at some point. But as yet you haven’t backed them up with any actions, so what am I to think?’
He clamped my elbow with his hand. ‘I got you out of the shop, didn’t I, before locking the door?’
‘Which explains nothing to me!’
‘Really?’ He let go. ‘It told you nothing? My doing that told you nothing about–’ He cut off.
At this point, in my mind, one of two things were going on. Either Thom got me out of the shop to prevent me talking about the stranger with the scythe in the attic, whom he knew I suspected was making noises in the house. Or, perhaps he really did like me. With the latter in mind, I was so terrified of continuing to say the wrong thing, my mouth wouldn’t then utter another word. Instead, I acted as coolly as possible, which was probably the wrong thing to do.
‘The truth is, Alex,’ he took another tone, giving me a short stare. ‘I wanted to tell you that you’re my favourite of everyone in this place, and a few hundred thousand miles beyond. I’m sorry to leave it, to leave you, but it can’t be helped.’
‘What?’ I started. ‘You’re leaving! Where are you going?’
‘Back to Ireland.’
‘For good?’
‘I’m afraid so.’
‘Is it to do with your family?’
‘No.’
‘Then why?
‘Why not, Alex? Is there any reason I should stay?’
‘I don’t understand, Thom. You said this was your home.’
‘But it’s not a home I can really settle down in is it, Cassandra.’
‘And you wouldn’t consid–’ (my voice broke) ‘consider settling down in England?’
‘I would, but she wouldn’t.’
‘Oh.’ I gulped, barely able to look at him. ‘You mean–’
His eyes went down. He smiled mischievously. ‘Yes. Carla-Louise Stewart.’
Those captivating eyes of his shot up and landed on mine. I couldn’t bear to hear him say her name. I closed my eyes even as he spoke.
‘Don’t you think that that beautiful creature would suit me, Alex?’ – My heart stopped. – ‘And that I’d be a halfwit not to snap her up and do whatever she asks – which at present is to visit Ireland to meet her future in-laws and remain there indefinitely. Alex, are you listening? She commands me and I must obey.’
‘Stop it,’ I said under my breath.
‘I am besotted, Alexandra.’ He moved a step closer. ‘Do you know what it feels like to be completely besotted with someone? To want to be near them, with them, all the time?’
I opened my eyes to find them brimming. ‘Will you be leaving soon?’
‘Very soon, my –’ He paused and brushed his thumb beneath my eye where a bead escaped my lashes. ‘Listen, Alex. People who are friends, heartfelt friends, as I feel we are, often part with a polite exchange of phone numbers, email addresses, or whatever, saying keep in touch, et cetera. I imagine they mean it too, at the time. After a while they just forget, until things change enough that it no longer matters or makes any sense. I know I won’t forget you, or that I would ever stop caring. Do y
ou think you would forget me?’
I shook my head, unable to speak.
He smiled. ‘That’s all I wanted to know.’
I held myself together all the way home. I was no longer confused in the slightest about how I felt. The term ‘fell in love’ is apt, because it implies there is pain in the discovery. I didn’t ‘land softly in love’.
Heartache stole away the hours of that evening. I later found I was glad I wouldn’t see him for a couple of days. It might give me time to think more clearly on what I should do. As to that I did nothing but think – how would I live without him? All it amounted to was the conclusion I could do nothing. Nothing except make an idiot of myself.
‘What if I can change his mind about going?’ burst from my lips as I stared into the mirror, feeling a little crazy. ‘Because what if he does like me and just doesn’t think I like him?’
Of course, I could never tell him how I felt, just in case he didn’t feel the same. What a fool I would feel and look when he’s been talking about Carla-thing and how he adores her. Part of me was convinced it was a lie, a sham. But nothing could persuade me enough that he would want me instead.
I always believed that when you don’t know what to do, you should do nothing. And so it was. On my next shift I went about my own business, concentrating on my job as best I could. He looked at me strangely, but we didn’t speak. I reminded myself that it was his decision to leave and I’d have to respect that. Though on the inside I was falling to pieces.
Twenty
SHOPPING CENTRE
CAUTION: DENSE FOG AHEAD
REDUCE YOUR SPEED NOW
…Acknowledging the sign, I drove slowly into town. Since the day of the blackout I became desperate to tell Beth a great deal about Thom, in a bid to get her opinion. Now that I understood the very nature of my feelings for him, I became confused about why I wanted to tell her half-stories and suspicions.
Beth was meeting me outside the shopping mall under the Clock Tower. She had Eloise in a buggy, and the little Houdini was wedging herself under the straps, attempting to break free. The moment she saw me she called on me for help, pointing and endeavouring to pronounce my name. – Her being under three years old and my name containing a sounding ‘L’, I could hardly express my surprise at being called ‘Addicts’ – the crueller side of Fortune occasionally has a sense of humour. She soon lost interest and began watching a man nearby walking his dog. She pointed to the pooch and clearly shouted ‘Chicken!’
‘Bee, what on earth have you been teaching her? On second thought, what have you been feeding her?’
‘I think she just does it to wind me up,’ she said nonchalantly. ‘She knows it’s a dog.’
‘No,’ said the incorrigible child, no longer looking at the animal. ‘It’s not dog. It’s chicken.’
We headed to Costa Coffee at the centre of the mall, with the surrounding shops overlooking us. Beth granted her daughter freedom by removing the straps. The sprightly child leapt from the seat like a spring. She gestured to sit on my lap and while there, which was very short-lived, Beth ordered some coffees. When the waitress came near to wipe the table, Eloise cried hard.
‘Is she hungry?’ I asked.
‘No. She’s not long eaten.’ Beth stroked her hair to compose her. ‘It’s people. She doesn’t like strangers. You remember?’
‘Yeah, I just didn’t realise how sensitive she was to someone coming in close proximity for two seconds.’
We bought some sandwiches, and Eloise refusing her own ate from both our plates instead.
‘I’ve not heard anything from Stacey for a while,’ Beth remarked, furrowing her brow. ‘It’s not like her. She’s usually in need of something. Is she alright?’
‘Actually, no. She’s been off work for a week now.’
‘What, on holiday?’
‘No. On sort of sick leave.’
‘Why?’
‘Oh, where to begin, Bee!’
I began relating what had happened last Saturday during the blackout, and I continued telling my best friend only the official story.
‘I’ll be surprised if Stacey goes back at all after that,’ she said, shaking a sachet of sugar. ‘When is she due back?’
‘Tomorrow.’
‘Just be prepared. You know what she’s like.’
I smiled. ‘Mrs Evans went to her house to check up on her. Really, it’s only to ensure she doesn’t quit. She’s even got me phoning her every five minutes to see how she’s doing.’
‘And how is she doing?’
‘She’s anxious, but no longer convinced a ghost was after her. She now believes the escaped mental patient version instead of some monster being on the loose.’
‘Alex, you almost sound like you’re not convinced.’
‘Really?’ I laughed nervously.
During intervals in our conversation, I kept thinking whether to open up about Thom, and perhaps my feelings for him. Even more terrifying, I was still contemplating telling Beth all that had happened at the Cray. For this I’d have to start from the beginning – from the moment I met him, to the truth about the blackout, and of course, mention his offensive female friend. I wanted her opinion on all of it and the things he said to me. But the more I fudged about trying to begin such a subject, the more I feared that she might decide on Thom being too suspiciously strange. I realised it was not her opinion I wanted at all. I actually sought her concurrence with my own, and I wasn’t prepared for any other. I realised how much I wanted her to like him. I was excited only to hear her say ‘he seems lovely, and he must really like you…’ The idea of influencing someone to take up against him made me feel altogether like I was betraying him and myself. I was soon glad that I hadn’t said a thing.
‘Alex?’ called a familiar voice. It was Dan.
Eloise roared a cry as he came close, a half-chewed bit of sandwich tumbled out of her mouth.
‘Oops!’ he yelped, edging back. ‘I know I’m ugly but I can’t help it. Didn’t mean to scare the little one! Wow, you’re a beauty aren’t you?’ he said as she recoiled in Beth’s arms.
‘Sorry!’ Beth apologised. ‘It’s not you, honest! – come on, Ellie. Sit still. – She’s just unsociable by nature.’
‘Dan, this is my friend, Beth. Dan works at the Cray.’
‘Nice to meet you.’ He nodded, ineffectively attempting one last smile at Eloise. After learning her name and age, he looked back to me.
‘I’m up here with Thom, but he’s disappeared on me. You haven’t seen him on your travels by any chance?’
‘You’re here with Thom?’ I recapped.
‘Are you just repeating what I’m saying?’
‘Umm, evidently – but no, I haven’t seen him.’ My eyes darted all over the mall. My stomach churned as if a fire had ignited under it.
Beth leant over to me and whispered, ‘The infamous Thom? I take it you’ve never seen him away from Halton Cray before?’
‘No,’ I shot back, ‘I haven’t. Stacey would be very disappointed if I told her! She likes to think he’s bound to it, remember?’
She giggled.
‘Ah!’ Dan bellowed. ‘There he is. Rues! Over here!’
Thom had already spotted us, and made his way over. His black eyes stood out wildly in the floodlit shopping mall, resembling black and brimming inkwells. He was less smart than usual in a charcoal V-neck sweater and blue jeans. His hair was rather unkempt too, and yet he still looked very well.
‘Hello, Thom.’ I found myself especially nervous to see him out of context. ‘What are you doing up here, shopping?’
‘No, I’m fly-fishing.’ He smiled. ‘What else do people do in a shopping centre?’
‘Experiment with the lowest form of wit?’ I shot back.
‘Touché! You’re as thorny as ever, or is it all that coffee – and it’s given you the trembles; your hands are shaking.’
‘I’m cold,’ I lied, rubbing them.
‘I’m cold, what?’
/>
‘I’m cold, sir.’ I glowered at him.
‘I think it is the last day of it, Cassandra, so make sure you adhere to the rules. You don’t want extra time added, I’m sure.’
It was difficult for Beth to get a decent look at him, or make any conversation, since Eloise was fidgeting in her arms. They said hello but Eloise had already begun to cry again the moment Thom came over. It wasn’t half as bad as I expected. As with him, I thought she’d throw a hissy fit. I’m sure he thought this was specific to him, but he hid it well. Astonishing me he reached out to her. Amazing us all she became rather still. She watched his hand coming closer to her face. He gently pressed the end of her tiny nose with his index finger, like a button, making her eyes squint as he did so. She stopped crying altogether. Her head bowed forward and her thumb found its way into her mouth. Beth’s jaw dropped in sync with mine.
‘She obviously likes you,’ said Beth, as Eloise sat quietly on her lap.
Dan emphasised a tutting sound. ‘Ever since I’ve known him he’s had this enchanting way with the ladies.’
It seemed ridiculous, though no less real, that I endured a stab of jealousy to that statement.
‘But that’s too unfair!’ continued Dan, laughing. ‘I feel like a monster now. And he knows much less than me about babies, don’t you?’
‘Much less, I agree,’ Thom said smoothly. He stooped before Eloise, casting a dark uncanny shadow over her, as he examined her face and stood upright again.
(Turning to Dan) ‘It’s a girl!’ – (To Beth) ‘Am I wrong?’
To Thom’s smirk, Eloise gave a hearty giggle. She looked at him as if he was a cute puppy eager to play.
‘Right, well I reckon you’re going to be coming home with us, Thom,’ Beth joked. ‘I’ve never seen her take to somebody like this. You must have the soul of an angel or something!’
Dan laughed excessively. ‘More like the soul of a sissy!’ he said, before excusing himself to make a phone call.
Halton Cray (Shadows of the World Book 1) Page 21
