Thom watched from the gallery and gave me a soft smile as I approached.
‘Was that a friend of yours, Thom?’
‘He is.’
‘Do I know him?’
‘What a strange question! I don’t know; do you know him?’
‘He just looks so familiar.’ I instinctively looked back down the corridor.
‘He’s been here before. Perhaps you’ve seen him. – Alex, come for a walk in the gardens, the sun’s just setting.’
We strolled along the river, passing the Rose Garden until the bordering hedgerow obscured the ground floor of the house. He was quiet. It wasn’t unusual. He often fell into deep thought when we were alone together.
‘Here – sit beside me on this bench,’ he said, stopping at an arbour; an archway cut in the tall hedgerow.
I did. We had a close view of the river. The descending sun was just visible through the weeping willows beyond Westleigh Bridge. It was surprising we could sit there undisturbed by the great gaggle of geese nearby.
‘Alex, you’re shivering. Take my coat.’ He placed it about my shoulders.
I thanked him and, feeling brave, shuffled myself up to him in this secluded spot. He smiled and put his arm round me, before looking over to the sinking sun. My mind wandered as I watched the geese hooting and raucously squabbling amongst themselves.
‘Do you believe in reincarnation?’ I asked him. To which he replied after a moment’s pause, and quite seriously, that he did not.
‘Why not?’
He didn’t answer. I’d found the best way to handle it when he did that. I went on regardless –
‘It’s believed by some, I read somewhere, that we’re reincarnated as geese.’
‘Impossible.’
‘Why?’
‘Because you’d be a swan,’ he said playfully.
‘I’d rather be a goose. Swans are so much more aggressive.’
‘Exactly!’ He laughed, before his mouth fell into a straight line, smoothing away his adorable dimples. ‘I’ve read that rubbish too – about reincarnation. Why did you bring that up?’
‘Because it’s said that geese have so many human traits. They bicker amongst themselves, and–’
‘And’ – he gave me a sidelong glance – ‘they mate with one partner for life. Come on,’ he said, changing the mood and getting up. He walked towards the river. I followed and we strolled to the bridge. Clouds blotted out the last rays of the sun in the wintry afternoon. The lamps flickered on for dusk. Under their bright yellow lights, I felt so silly as I remembered thinking once I couldn’t see his shadow, and then I did see it. And there it was next to mine.
‘What are you smiling at?’ he asked. I didn’t realise I was, or that his striking eyes were on me. ‘Don’t shake your head. Out with it!’
‘It’s nothing,’ I said reflexively. ‘I was laughing at myself.’
‘And you’re going to deprive me of that?’
He would not move a step until I confessed what it was.
‘Okay. Just remember that I’m only human! As much as I can’t stand idle talk, it turns out I am as impressionable as the next. But I hope I’ve learnt my lesson.’
He stiffened; his face tensed. ‘You’re not like them,’ he said seriously. ‘I’ve always found gossiping a most abhorrent trait and common amongst the weak-minded. But weaker is the mind that makes decisions based on the prattle of another!’ He cut off with slight resentment, and after a pause re-joined, ‘For the first time I’m seeing it differently. Perhaps the scandalmongers have their uses after all.’
‘How’s that?’
‘Through them it’s easier to learn the characteristics of those you’ve not yet entangled yourself with, before you’ve given too much of yourself away, where they can then do real harm. And you can distance yourself if need be, and by their following treatment of you, you can determine if you were right to do so.’
‘That sounds intense, Thom, to walk around being so guarded. But you haven’t exactly kept a distance from me, when you know I’ve heard things and reacted. So what opinion have you formed of me through this?’
‘That despite being barking mad you are worth that risk of knowing me better. You’re not as fainthearted as you look, but then mad people never are! Even now, I can see the questions mounting in the whites of your eyes. I think you’re ready.’
‘Ready?’
‘To learn for yourself.’
‘Learn what?’
‘Whether or not the foundations of the rumours are true!’ His eyes widened.
‘You’re teasing me again, Thom.’
‘Have I cried wolf too often?’
‘I’m not playing this game again. I refuse to talk your nonsense.’
‘If you did talk nonsense, Alex, it would be in such a serious tone I would mistake what you said for good sense. Come on, Cassandra, it’s confession time. Shall we trade?’
‘Trade confessions?’
‘Yes. You were saying how idle talk has influenced you. Well?’
I took a moment. ‘It made me see things.’
‘What things?’
‘What do I get from you if I confess it?’
‘Confirmation or a contradiction,’ he answered.
‘But I don’t need either. I can see how I invented what I saw, subconsciously that is, probably because of hearing gossip.’ – He slowly shook his head. – ‘Oh, fine! If you want the truth, Thom, I thought at one point you had no shadow. Obviously you do’ – I pointed to it – ‘and I am nuts!’
He didn’t look surprised. He only grinned.
‘But isn’t that ridiculous?’ I went on. ‘That I only thought I saw things because of what I’d heard. I don’t like what they say, when they treat you and talk about you like you’re some kind of–’
‘Evil spirit?’ His eyes narrowed. Black flames danced in those obsidian discs under the lamplight, and a brooding crescent touched his mouth. He was enjoying this.
‘I’m so very careful,’ he said, suppressing a menacing grin, ‘to hide my dark powers.’
‘You admit it then?’ I giggled.
‘Of course!’ he answered quickly, too quickly – clearly provoked by something. ‘I was born on the grave of a jackal, under a full blood-soaked moon!’
I exhaled. ‘Be serious for once.’
He looked uneasy. Whatever weighed on his mind now affected his willingness to speak. I let it pass without pressing him further. I had no idea how long we’d been out. I guessed it must have been the end of my break and I mentioned, reluctantly, having to go back. We headed towards the house where the backside of the half-light already resembled night. As we passed the Rose Garden, Evans came round the side of the house, probably looking for me. She glanced at us and I detected a slight shake of her head and recoil in her posture. She quickly went back the way she came.
Thom noticed her and his eyes went back to the huge moon, which appeared round the rooftop. It was full and stiff; not a cloud sailed her. He gritted his teeth.
‘Sure,’ he said bitterly, ‘all the lunatics are out tonight!’ He looked to me, a smile softening his lips. ‘Well, the real McCoy’s anyway. She’s like a trained bloodhound.’
‘I don’t know what her problem is.’
‘That I can’t tell you. Not now at any rate. Cheer me up!’ he said suddenly. ‘What else did you see, or think you saw when I appeared to be of no substance?’
I shrugged.
‘There’s more isn’t there?’ He grinned. ‘Tell me what you saw, Cassandra, and I promise to believe you. – Well, what are you afraid of? I already know you’re a cracker. So what else?’
‘I don’t want to say anything more on that subject.’
‘Why on earth not?’
‘Because I think it bothers you. I don’t want to upset you with all that nonsense.’
‘Come on, Alex! You know I’m prone to my dark moments. It doesn’t have a damn thing to do with anything you’ve said.’ He cast a loo
k towards the house, and spoke gravely. ‘I want to hear more, and I swear if you don’t tell me I’ll start to think that you’re just afraid to.’
I looked at his face in the moonlight, but said nothing.
‘Well are you, afraid that is? You can’t handle it? Do you fear me?’
‘None of the above!’ I insisted, staring into his eyes and edging nearer.
‘You!’ he said, almost laughing. ‘You astounding, mad little thing! Tell me!’
‘Tell you what? That when I first started here I watched you spinning a ball, and later the pen, effortlessly around your hand and wrist. It fascinated me! Partly I think because it looked as though you did it without even touching them. There! Satisfied? It reminded me of a time I watched you walking in the gardens, and I thought I saw you with… well… not quite with your feet on the ground.’
‘Are you speaking metaphorically or insanely?’
‘Insanely.’
‘That’s what I thought.’ He smirked, tucking a loose strand of my hair behind my ear. ‘This would be the place for it.’
‘I’m speaking quite literally, actually. That is what I thought I saw. Commit me if you like!’
‘Ha! They wouldn’t have you!’ He raised his eyebrows. ‘You’re far too dangerous and deranged, even for the men in white coats. So, levitating? You think I’ve some resistance to gravity. Hmm… since we’ve established that I sometimes have no shadow’ – he was now laughing – ‘I’m guessing, correct me if I’m wrong, I’ve no heartbeat, no reflection, no breath. Why, there’s really no evidence that I’m standing here at all! Just a figment of your imagination.’
And, I said inwardly, if he was just a figment of my imagination, my imagination is too good to me.
Despite wearing Thom’s coat over my own, I still shook, but it wasn’t from the cold. He seemed quite aware of my feelings and yet was so careful not to take it beyond friendship. I started to wonder how long this would last. Did he like me? If it wasn’t going to happen, I’d rather know now. Before I knew it, I was involuntarily asking –
‘Do you have a girlfriend, Thom?’ I took an extra breath. ‘Tell me honestly.’
He looked puzzled, then sympathetic. ‘She might not say so.’ – My stomach fell half a foot. – ‘But in my eyes, Alex, yes. She’s mine and I’m hers. You’d like her,’ he said confidently. ‘You would, if you met her as a stranger in the street. You’d feel like you’d known her forever, as I do.’
I had to turn my head away to hide a sting of jealousy.
‘She can be a tough cookie though,’ he re-joined after a pause, grinning. ‘Sometimes I’m not sure how to handle her. Whether to smother her with kisses or wrestle her like a tigress. You’re wondering if she’s pretty, Alex? Well, that would be an understatement. To label her as pretty would be like saying the aurora borealis was merely okay. And what else? Is she clever, funny and friendly? She is all of these things and more! She’s about this tall’ – he measured my height with his hand – ‘or short, I should say; and has an audacity that wants chastising out of her. She’s well suited to me, given that she’s round the twist.’ He circled his temple with his index finger. ‘Only a madwoman could put up with me.’
He stopped and turned to me as we reached the alley to the main courtyard.
‘I’m not pretty,’ escaped me in a whisper.
‘You are to me, Alex.’
I knew he might make a move while we stood in the dim-lit tunnel. I became so nervous at this thought I began chatting stupidly to the point of moaning, mainly about helping Adrian with his packing next week.
He just stood there listening and looking at me with a patient simper.
‘–So I decided to book the whole week off,’ I rambled on, ‘although shopping in London isn’t really my thing.’ As I finished my rant, I quickly gave him back his coat – nervousness made me agile – and I went to open the door. He stopped me.
‘I won’t see you until the following week, then? But, Alex, do you have enough money?’ He automatically took out his wallet as I frowned in shock and confusion. ‘You can’t go shopping in the West End on your salary.’ He chuckled.
‘There’s no need for that, but thank you.’ I pushed his hand away, which already encompassed a handful of notes. ‘That’s kind, but really, it’s fine.’
The door swung open behind me. It caught me off guard, though as usual Thom seemed to expect it.
Evans didn’t look at us. ‘You’re late,’ she muttered.
I followed her through the doorway, giving Thom one last glancing smile. At the end of my shift, Evans walked me to the front door with the excuse of having a quick smoke. I wanted to go and see Thom before I left, but she was not going to make that possible. She even came with me halfway to the gates, making chitchat about various insignificant things. Returning to the Cray seemed more than a week away. I had a strange feeling as I looked back to that big old house. Something felt too perfect in all this. The water too relaxed left me suspecting a wayward current from far beneath, where it was building strength.
Evans waved her hand to shoo me on, and watched me from the pathway until I entered the car park. I had an idea she would remain there in case I went back. I knew I would have to wait until the following week before I saw him again. I beeped off the jeep’s central locking. As I went to open the door, it beeped back on of its own accord. Locked again. I beeped it off. It beeped back on. I heard his laugh behind me. A thrill raced through me.
‘Did you do that?’
He sauntered towards me, stopping a few paces away.
‘How did you–’
He just smiled. ‘You’re going without saying goodbye?’
‘I didn’t really have a choice.’
‘You always have a choice.’ He began to look serious. ‘Before you go, Alex, there’s something I want to–’ He stared silently, then moved, and in three strides reached me. My breath caught in my throat as he took hold of my arms and wound them round the column of his neck. He lifted me effortlessly by the waist and set me down, my feet on top of his. With one hand, he stroked my face, and with his other, he pulled me in closer. I’d wanted this for so long it was unexpected. He examined my eyes closely and then stared at my mouth, before pressing his lips firmly to mine. Holding there a moment, he inhaled deeply. It felt like he was drawing in all of my scent, all of my senses with it. A gentle tingle fell down the back of my legs as he began moving his lips slowly over mine, edging them apart. Inhaling and exhaling in rhythm with me, his tongue gently touched mine. Involuntarily I groaned with pleasure. I could taste his scent, melting me away, and I dissolved in it like sugar in warm milk. His hands swept round to my back to pull me in even closer. He inhaled deeper. I don’t know when he had a moment to say it since he’d glued his lips to mine, but ‘Alexandra’ issued from him in a whisper, and I felt a recommencing of fierceness in his kiss, his tongue now massaging mine. He had such a firm grip on me, I probably couldn’t have moved away if I wanted to. Therefore, it was fortunate for us both that I didn’t want to. He moved his lips to my jaw and down to my throat. I hoped he wasn’t going to give me a love bite because at that moment I felt his mouth open over my skin. The hairs on my neck stood up as I shivered in excitement. His grip became firmer but I couldn’t struggle. I was completely at his mercy. He paused and pulled his head back to look at me. His eyes were different; as dark and dilated as ever and yet they’d liquefied, moving like black oil.
‘You’d have let me bite you?’ he said with one eyebrow up.
‘Probably.’ I laughed nervously. ‘But I’d rather you didn’t. I’m not keen on the marks they leave, besides them being dangerous.’
He looked edgy. ‘Dangerous?’
‘I’ve read that they can cause blood clots.’
‘You do like to get carried away with things you read.’ He pulled me closer and groaned, ‘Oh, be mine, Alex! I can’t fight it any longer.’
‘What’s there to fight?’
‘Differ
ences I thought couldn’t be overcome. You’re so much younger than I am. I convinced myself we were worlds apart and it could never work between us. That doesn’t make sense anymore, because I can’t stop loving you.’
I couldn’t stop smiling, while biting my lower lip.
‘Is that a yes?’
‘Well–’ I pulled away a little.
‘What is it?’
‘I feel awkward asking–’
‘Don’t feel awkward, Alex.’ He pulled me in closer again. ‘Ask me anything, but ask me quickly!’
‘Were you dating Carla-Louise?’
‘No!’ He grimaced.
‘Then why bring her to the Christmas party?’
‘I didn’t! On my honour, I did not. Dan fixed me up. You can ask him yourself.’
‘Then what was all that teasing about? Were you just trying to make me jealous?’
‘To distraction, if I could.’
‘Oh, and the flirting!’ I added.
‘Was I flirting?’ He feigned innocence before rolling his eyes. ‘Yes! I was making the best of an opportunity, which I knew would make you jealous if you felt the same about me.’
‘Come on, Thom, you’ve known for ages.’
‘I wanted to see the green in your eyes to be certain. I wanted to make you madly in love with me; to secure you as mine – come what may! Don’t give me that look, Alex. She didn’t really care for me. Her husband’s–’
‘She’s married!’
‘She stopped wearing her ring a while ago, because her husband filed for divorce. Carla was caught screwing around with someone – I forget who he was – but she told me how he’d deceived her into thinking he was something like a restaurant owner, instead of a waiter.’ He giggled. ‘Something like that. Her husband caught them and considered his menial job the main offence. He had a good case for divorce, and although she’d get a house, keep her car, and probably win a good payout too, it wasn’t enough. She wanted part of his business, because she worked for him, you see. I read her like a book the moment we first met, when she gave her smiles to Dan and her scowls to me. Chapter one: conceitedness. Chapter two: infidelity. Chapter three: avarice, and so on. After discovering Dan was my assistant, she switched her affections to me, and so she turned up here, hounding me tiresomely, as a cliché irks a reader. She wanted me to lie – that’s all – to give a few recommendations to the right people, so she could pursue a career–’ He paused. ‘But that doesn’t matter, Alex. Yes, I pretended to like her a little just to make you like me – childish, I know. But I promise you, she wasn’t interested in me romantically either.’
Halton Cray (Shadows of the World Book 1) Page 23
