Please reconsider?
Sincerely,
Fawn
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Mon, Dec 17, 2018 at 3:09 PM
To: Staff
Subject: Theft
Dear Staff,
I believe someone has stolen the Kwanzaa display from the Mark Twain Room. Can you please look around the store for it? This is why we give out the candy canes: so people don’t feel cheated and steal from us. Also, feel free to check the Grumpy Mug. I wouldn’t be surprised if they stooped this low. I walked by their store yesterday and glanced in, and I think I saw one candy cane window sticker. How sad.
Fawn, Owner
From: Angela Washington
Sent: Mon, Dec 17, 2018 at 3:20 PM
To: Fawn Birchill, Staff
Re: Theft
No one stole it! I was cleaning the table it was on and forgot to put it back. It was on the floor behind a stack of books. Sorry about that.
—A
December 17, 2018
I think I understand what it’s like to be a diplomat or the secretary of state during wartime. Getting fellow business owners to work with me has been a herculean effort. Who thought this would be so difficult? Is it that I run a used bookstore that’s not hip enough for them to be associated with? I wish I knew what the magic answer was for this because I would pay a hefty price to learn. I have reached out to numerous businesses in these twenty years and have either had no one offer to give me cheaper rates or I’ve been completely ignored. It’s been twenty years, and it still hurts as much as if it just happened for the first time.
Tonight I had managed to fall asleep right away, a rare event indeed, until I was awakened by what sounded, in my foggy waking state, like plates crashing to the floor. With a little more clarity and time, I realized that what I was listening to was applause. I got out of bed, went to the window to peek through the curtains, and found that the Grumpy Mug was still open and holding some kind of event! At 10:30 at night! Instead of going back to bed, I listened for a little longer. I couldn’t help myself. I barely felt the cold seep up from the floorboards to my bare feet as I listened to the muffled but amplified voice of a single person in front of a microphone, then a pause followed by another uproarious bout of applause and whooping. Trembling, I drew back from the window, skin now hot with a sensation that I knew too well but had not known as rawly and intimately as I did in that moment. I couldn’t sleep after that, even though I tried. Eventually the crowd dispersed, and the store officially closed. I could hear his customers walking by my own store, laughing. I pulled the blankets over my head and waited for that hot sensation to fade.
In better news, the cat with the runny eye is looking better! What a relief and joy to see. I’m not sure what it was that finally cured him. Maybe he just needed to be shown a little love. Sometimes that’s the best tonic.
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Tue, Dec 18, 2018 at 7:05 AM
To: Jacob Whitney
Subject: Smooth Criminal?
Dear Mr. Whitney,
I am beginning to think that you are a common criminal and are currently sunning yourself in Belize, using the money I’ve paid you to buy yourself rum and Caribbean cruises.
I have considered taking legal action but have run into some financial straits. I may take action in due time, so don’t go too far because the Philadelphia justice system may be calling you back home.
Fawn Birchill, Owner, The Curious Cat Book Emporium (a Mark Twain specialist store)
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Tue, Dec 18, 2018 at 11:17 AM
To: O’Hare Repair
Re: Business Arrangement
Dear Cahill,
Thank you so much for stopping by and reconsidering. I believe the number we arrived at suits us both very well. The job you did on the leak is wonderful. Aside from a little staining on the ceiling, one would never know that there was ever any black mold dripping onto my inventory. One of my staff members, Angela (the tall girl with the slumped stature), has taken on the task of wiping the mold from the books. So far we have rescued one and thrown out three—not terrible for such a disaster.
Would you like to have coffee with me? Please do not think of me as forward. If you decline, be simply flattered and nothing more, for I respect you very much and would never want to put you in an uncomfortable position. There is a La Colombe on Rittenhouse Square that I think would be a nice middle ground since you live so far south. We could get our coffees and sit inside (it is so romantically Italian in there!) or perhaps walk around the park and see the holiday lights. You must get these inquiries all the time, so please forgive me. I have been struggling with what to say and how to say it, and I think through email is best. That way you can think on it, too, and not have to answer right away. Oh, here I am rambling on like a teenager! I rarely do this, which explains why I am so terrible at it.
Sincerely,
Fawn
From: Tabitha Birchill
Sent: Tue, Dec 18, 2018 at 12:40 PM
To: Fawn Birchill
Subject: How are things?
My dear Fawn,
How are things faring this holiday season? Florence tells me you are holding a special sale. I have been very busy with your father. Over the last two days he has shown some improvement, but I fear that it is only because he loves Christmas and is expecting to be taken home. It’s heartbreaking.
Nothing is new here. The neighbors bought a new mailbox, and Harriett Winfield finally quit at the grocery store to take care of her mother full time. Do you remember her? I always pictured bigger things for her. Florence is taking Little Joe to a vocal intensive in the Poconos in the next few days. He is really improving, and I am so proud of him.
Hope you are well. Are you getting my coupons?
Mother
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Tue, Dec 18, 2018 at 2:00 PM
To: Tabitha Birchill
Re: How are things?
Mother,
The sale is going really well, thank you! This is probably the busiest Christmas yet on record, and I think it is compounded by the plethora of Mark Twain books I have acquired. I know Tom Sawyer is your favorite novel of his, and I may have one or two left if you would like me to put one aside for you. (Just let me know soon!)
I am glad Father is improving slightly. The cold can be rough on the elderly. How are you faring? How is Beaker? Is he still ripping his feathers out? I can’t imagine what makes him so neurotic. It’s just about the easiest life to be a bird and have to do nothing but sit in a cage and eat seeds. He’s practically the queen of England.
Speaking of, do you know where in England our family originated? I am going on a date with an Irishman, and I want to sound somewhat in touch with my background for he is very in touch with his. He is tall with dark hair and bright blue eyes. He has very strong cheekbones, and when he talks he likes to scratch the back of his neck. I think he is a tad younger than me, but I think once you get into your midfifties, ten years or so has less of an impact.
Florence may have mentioned to you that there is a new bookstore down the street, but business has been so good that it’s as if it isn’t even there. It might as well be selling anchovies with the impact it has had on my store. I was a little worried at first, but time revealed that there was simply nothing to worry about. Things are looking up!
Also, yes, I am getting the coupons and I truly appreciate them—especially the funny comics you send. It is nice to get things like that in the mail. Thank you.
Much love,
Fawn
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Tue, Dec 18, 2018 at 7:09 PM
To: Staff
Subject: Holiday Party
Dear Staff,
We will close at three o’clock on the twenty-fourth and reopen on the twenty-sixth. We will also close at three o’clock on the thirty-first and reopen on the second (though I will be here working all those days, so if anyone wou
ld like to join me, they are most welcome).
Also, I will be hosting a company holiday party January 2. Yes, it will be after the holidays, because I believe we must first focus on those big sales before we can sit back and relax over some mulled wine. Location details to follow, but please RSVP!
Fawn, Owner
phillysmallbiz.com
Tue, Dec 18, 2018
Top Review—The Curious Cat Book Emporium
When I go into stores to buy stuff, it never occurs to me that I might witness a murder, but I did today. It was between a cat and a mouse, and it was horrifying. Basically, I walk into this store, and on my way to the history section is this big yellowish cat batting around this squeaking, defenseless little mouse. I like, tell the cat to stop, but it won’t listen. Instead it sits on the mouse and stares at me! And then when the cat is like, sure I won’t intervene, it starts beating the mouse again. I even got pics of it because I couldn’t believe how long it was going on for. Seriously, it took like ten minutes for the thing to die. Maybe not something to have on display for your customers to see?
Traumatized.
—Juanita A.
phillysmallbiz.com
Tue, Dec 18, 2018
Dear Juanita A.,
Given that this is an old building and mice are extremely common in places such as this, it is an inevitable fact of life. Butterscotch, having been declawed, is relatively harmless unless you are a tiny mouse. And that, Juanita, is simply the way the world works.
The fact that Butterscotch did not kill the mouse right away but tortured it with his useless mitten-paws, bludgeoning it and sitting upon it until it expired, is simply his killing technique. His previous owners cruelly declawed him, so he must resort to these tactics. True, he could simply take the mouse’s neck in his teeth and kill it quickly, but Butterscotch enjoys the sport of it. Aside from ripping the already brain-dead mouse from Butterscotch’s grasp, there is nothing we can do but watch or simply walk away, which is exactly what you probably should have done instead of taking photos of the murder on your iPhone and posting them on PSB.
By the way, did you happen to find the book you were looking for?
Best,
Fawn, Owner, The Curious Cat Book Emporium (a Mark Twain specialist store)
From: Tabitha Birchill
Sent: Tue, Dec 18, 2018 at 9:12 PM
To: Fawn Birchill
Re: How are things?
Dear Fawn,
I’m so glad you’re enjoying the coupons and comics! I’ll keep them coming.
Regarding our family background, I don’t know much about my mother’s since, as you know, she was adopted, but my father’s side is supposed to have been from England, I believe. Your father’s side hails from Southampton, England, and he’s always said there was a nobility connection somewhere in the past—not the Birchill name but another name that escapes me. Phipps maybe? In any case, I hope that answers your questions. Take the nobility rumor with a grain of salt. I fear it is something that many people like to claim about themselves to be true.
Much love,
Mother
Dear Fawn,
Please tell my daughter that the beef thing that was left in my refrigerator last night was good but that I don’t like peanuts. I think peanuts were in there. In any case, it was still good once I picked them out. Please tell her thank you.
—Jane, your tenant
From: O’Hare Repair
Sent: Wed, Dec 19, 2018 at 8:45 PM
To: Fawn Birchill
Re: Business Arrangement
Hi Fawn,
I’m flattered and I appreciate it but I got to decline the offer. Its my policy not to date my customers.
Thank you,
Cahill
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Wed, Dec 19, 2018 at 8:56 PM
To: O’Hare Repair
Re: Business Arrangement
Dear Cahill,
I appreciate your honesty and your gentlemanly rule to never fraternize with customers. I can see how that would be a potential lawsuit waiting to happen. If we had perhaps gone on a date and happened to have feelings for each other, and somewhere down the line I were to leave you, I could perhaps use our history to get free work out of you. Or perhaps I could say that you were inappropriate not as a boyfriend but in a business setting. This I understand.
However, rarely do I experience such chemistry with a person, and though I’m not sure if it was requited, I would like to think that it could be. Hypothetically speaking, let’s say we met in Paris on a moonlit path by the Seine. If I were not your customer, would you consider me fair game? Rereading that, I realize it sounds as if I’m proposing that you might force yourself on me, which is not at all the intention. I suppose what I meant was that if there were no strings attached in our already stringy relationship, would you ever consider me to be more than a friend?
According to my mother, my family is originally from Southampton, and we have ties to British nobility, which may explain some of my eccentricities and rather expensive taste for things. Wouldn’t it be a match if we were to get together after knowing this! Wasn’t it the crown that committed all those atrocities to your people? To think that you would be consorting with the enemy! We would have a regular Romeo and Juliet story on our hands.
Please reconsider?
Sincerely,
Fawn
phillysmallbiz.com
Thu, Dec 20, 2018
Top Review—The Curious Cat Book Emporium
I was so happy to go in and find The Adventures of Tom Sawyer. It is such a wonderful story and highly underrated. All right, now on to the true matter of this message! I am curious to find out if the owner is married. Does anyone know? I have a lovely, handsome, wealthy cousin who was recently made a widower due to an equestrian accident. I just know he and the lovely owner—who looks so much like Keira Knightley—would get along splendidly.
Also, I must divulge and confess! I was at the Grumpy Mug earlier this week, and their bathrooms are atrocious! They smell like a filthy porta potty, and the coffee they sell tastes like it was made with dirty dishwater and filtered with an old cheesecloth. Their cats look like inbred barn dwellers, and the owner is a total snob that probably doesn’t even read what he sells. There! I feel relieved of my burden. Let the people hear the truth and make of it what they wish.
—Sybil C.
phillysmallbiz.com
Thu, Dec 20, 2018
Dear Sybil C.,
Once again, you flatter me!
In answer to your question: I am not married and therefore am open to finding the right person. I obviously don’t know your cousin and have no idea what he looks like, but if he is half of what you have described, he sounds like a wonderful man; please do bring him by. I am sorry to hear about his wife. I imagine that horse-riding accidents are among the greatest causes of nobility deaths in England.
Once again, I do not believe that I look a thing like Keira Knightley. She is much younger and more demure than I could ever hope to be, but if you must use her to describe me to your cousin, then I will not object to it. Incidentally, I have recently discovered that my family is British nobility (now far removed in these modern times), so perhaps we would have more in common than previously thought?
Regarding the store down the street, I understand that it is not to your taste, but please do not say such things about it, as they are unable to defend themselves. I understand you are championing my bookstore and that you are its greatest fan, but please, my dear Sybil, let’s try to stay positive for them, as no doubt they are struggling to lure customers in these questionable economic times.
Sincerely,
Fawn, Owner, The Curious Cat Book Emporium (a Mark Twain specialist store)
December 20
Hi Fawn,
I wanted to send the Chopin CD back to you since it was just collecting dust, and now that Little Joe is obsessed with playing the Josh Groban CD 24-7, it’s only getting in th
e way. I think I have the entire CD memorized. Yesterday he came down the stairs and insisted we all call him Josh. Ugh. In any case, I hope this CD is still in good shape.
Mom has decided that she’s worried about how much money you spend on taking care of the alley cats, as if it’s her business. And the coupons! OMG, she won’t stop with the coupons. If you haven’t heard from me in a few months, send a search party. The coupons have likely crushed me to death.
Flo
From: Angela Washington
Sent: Thu, Dec 20, 2018 at 7:18 PM
To: Fawn Birchill, Staff
Subject: Mark Twain books
I was thinking about the books, and I got this idea. What if we put out an ad to schools and youth organizations and stuff like that? They tend to buy in bulk, right?
—A
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Thu, Dec 20, 2018 at 8:01 PM
To: Staff
Re: Mark Twain books
Angela,
What a fine idea! Surely that will be an easy way to rid us of these albatrosses. It is a comfort to know my employees care enough to strategize on off-hours.
I’ll send out an advertisement at once!
Many thanks,
Fawn, Owner
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Thu, Dec 20, 2018 at 9:30 PM
To: Jacob Whitney
Subject: You Win
Dear Mr. Whitney,
I am writing to concede my position on this book dilemma. I hereby relieve you of all ownership or responsibility of these books. I have devised a strategy, and I may be able to spin this manure-covered straw into gold. Simply put, our correspondence here is over. Enjoy your rum, and don’t stand directly under the coconut trees—the fruit tends to fall.
Sincerely,
Fawn Birchill, Owner, The Curious Cat Book Emporium (a Mark Twain specialist store)
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In West Philadelphia, steps from Clark Park and the Green Line, sits one of the most renowned and beloved bookstores in the city: the Curious Cat Book Emporium.
Confessions of a Curious Bookseller Page 8
