Speaking of, the young Irishman did not work out. I had to break up with him, though we parted on amicable terms. I won’t divulge the reasons, as they are strictly personal. I will simply ask: Why are all the crazy ones so beautiful? That said, he has whetted my desire to find a male companion. Next time, however, I will be far more careful!
Merry Christmas,
Fawn
From: Angela Washington
Sent: Tue, Dec 25, 2018 at 11:09 AM
To: Fawn Birchill
Subject: Thank you!
Hi Fawn,
Thanks for the nice Christmas card and the fifty bucks! Whoa! Definitely wasn’t expecting this—not because it was from you. I mean it was just really special to get.
Thanks!!
—A
From: Sam Asimov
Sent: Tue, Dec 25, 2018 at 5:04 PM
To: Fawn Birchill
Subject: Thanks for the card and the money
Fawn,
Thank you very much for the card and the money. I hope you had a memorable Christmas.
Sam
From: Kyle Krazinsky
Sent: Tue, Dec 25, 2018 at 11:23 PM
To: Fawn Birchill
Subject: [No Subject]
Hey Fawn,
You’re the best. You did not have to do this, but know it was appreciated. I went out for Chinese with the money today and have some left over for booze.
Merry Christmas,
Kyle
P.S. I’ll be at the holiday thing, and I’ll be bringing Aiden.
From: Florence Eakins
Sent: Wed, Dec 26, 2018 at 3:30 PM
To: Fawn Birchill
Subject: Merry Christmas!
Hi Fawn,
I tried calling, but of course you didn’t pick up. Just wanted to say thank you so much for the Christmas gifts. They must have been expensive to ship.
I hope you had a nice Christmas! Ours was very relaxing, with minimal tears and fighting over toys this year. And the kids behaved pretty well too.
Flo
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Wed, Dec 26, 2018 at 8:17 PM
To: Staff
Subject: Holiday Party
Dear Staff,
Do not forget to RSVP. So far I have only heard from Kyle, who will be bringing his boyfriend.
Also, who tacked up the Season’s Greetings card from the Grumpy Mug? Did he hand deliver it, or was it mailed? If he thinks a card is going to put out the fire he started, he is truly delusional. Please do not display anything in our store that comes from him.
Fawn, Owner
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Thu, Dec 27, 2018 at 9:18 PM
To: Angela Washington
Subject: Posting
Dear Angela,
Thank you for your help with the Philly Love Finder posting. Please do not tell Sam or Kyle about this. It will be our secret!! Hope you are enjoying your week off!!
Many thanks,
Fawn, Owner
PHILLY LOVE FINDER
My Summary
I am a fiftysomething woman who enjoys traipsing the aisles of bookstores and tickling the spines of old, dusty books. I love being among that which is old and antique, for it holds a mystery that, as much as I study and learn about and dive into history, I will never fully comprehend. I love cats and have only one after his brothers, Juniper and Mistletoe, died of old age. For his own privacy I won’t reveal his name, but he is a sweet little lamb of a cat and has never lashed out at a single human being in his long life.
I am at once both afraid and in wonder of the city I live in. Being underground and riding public transportation makes me feel like a rat, while being up in high-rises makes me feel like a bird. I feel like an ant among ants on the sidewalk. In the city, we are forced to feel like animals, and so animals we become. In the country, where animals live among humans, we are made self-aware of our place in the world and do not need the reminder that we are human beings, and so we behave accordingly. I am not good at cities, as you may have gathered, and so I mostly stick to my five-block radius, where I can walk to the grocery store and the pharmacy. I would move, but I love the building in which I live and the safe life I have carved out for myself.
People generally find me to look much like a slightly older Keira Knightley. You may notice my unique feet and the way that they splay out when I walk. It is something you sometimes see in ballet dancers; however, I have no such excuse, as I have never taken formal dance lessons outside of one interpretive dance class in college. Most of all, I believe I have an illuminating intelligence and warmth that I bring to all conversations. It is overwhelmingly the most noticeable thing about me.
I love adventure but have never left the East Coast. One day, I would like to do that very much. I like Chopin, F. Scott Fitzgerald, honey in my tea, and back rubs. I used to be a Wiccan and a pagan, but now I am an agnostic.
Occupation
I own a successful used bookstore in Philadelphia. It is the heart and soul of the neighborhood, a cornerstone of culture, a place for families to spend quality time, and a melting pot for diversity.
Talents
I am quite skilled at taking care of myself in all aspects of life. That is to say, I would never be a burden on a man should he choose to be with me. I am very good at riding bicycles and can pick up M&M’s with chopsticks (a talent I discovered when I was quite young at a carnival where I won a Chinese coin).
A Few Favorite Things . . .
I just LOVE The Great Gatsby and Madame Bovary. Those two books say the most about my personality. As I read them, I am also aiming a mirror deep down into my very soul. If you were to read these books before meeting me, you would have a head start on getting to know me. I have extremely varied tastes in food, but my favorites include rice, Wheat Thins, and crème brûlée. My favorite music leans toward classical, with a few modern choices sprinkled in: Chopin, Ella Fitzgerald, and Édith Piaf. I love Titanic, Gone with the Wind, and A Streetcar Named Desire. Ah, that Blanche. And for shows, I absolutely ADORE Downton Abbey. If you dislike Downton Abbey, it’s very possible I will dislike you.
Age Range of Men
I do not discriminate based on age. I believe I could learn as much and have as equally fine a time with a twenty-year-old as with a fifty-year-old. If you are young at heart, I will consider you even if you are in your seventies. I hope that answers the question.
Astrological Sign
I no longer buy into this.
My Idea of a Great Evening
Writing letters and emails to all my friends with a bottle of wine at my side.
Secret Time! Dish What You Can . . .
Sometimes while writing letters, I fall asleep at my desk and wake up the next morning with the letter stuck to my face. This is not the secret. The secret is that each morning I wish there had been someone to lift me up and tuck me into bed.
Phavorite Philly Location
I’m not sure if I’m supposed to pick a bar or a historic landmark or what, so I suppose I’ll wing it. I love walking from Washington Square park and across the other parks (it might all be one park for all I know, but to me they are different) until I get to Penn’s Landing, where I can walk along the river. Old City has such a romantic layout, with cobblestones, horse-drawn carriages (make sure to look where you are stepping!), and people dressed in colonial garb. I have always wanted to walk through there arm in arm with a nice man. Perhaps someday I will. The cemetery on Pine Street is also quite lovely and relaxing. Sometimes there is a man who sits among the graves wearing a Viking helmet (horns and all) and just stares out at nothing. One can never know what one might stumble on in Philly, which is why it is such a glorious city.
The Brass Tacks
A man. (I am not a lesbian, though I did kiss a girl on the playground when I was five. I don’t remember much except for the cat poop we discovered shortly thereafter in the sandbox.)
Preferably of Irish descent, though I am open to all
cultures and backgrounds.
You must like cats.
You must like reading books.
You must be okay with me drinking a little.
I am not a social butterfly, so maybe a more socially adept man would be good for me?
Muscular.
Hygienic.
Handy.
I respect your religious beliefs, but I am not interested in going to church/temple/mosque with you or hearing about your superstitions.
Conclusion
If you are tired of casual, meaningless couplings, are looking for a long-term relationship, and are okay with gray-haired women (I will not dye it for you), then we might have a shot. Additionally, you MUST be okay with being third in importance after my cat and my bookstore.
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Fri, Dec 28, 2018 at 9:04 AM
To: Staff
Subject: Excrement
Dear Sam or Kyle,
Can one of you please own the task of donning some rubber gloves and taking care of the biohazard outside the front door this morning? I would appreciate it if we handled it before opening the store.
At the moment I am indisposed in my upstairs apartment dealing with a sudden refrigerator leak, so thank you in advance for your swift attention to this matter.
Thank you,
Fawn, Owner
From: Sam Asimov
Sent: Fri, Dec 28, 2018 at 9:08 AM
To: Fawn Birchill, Staff
Re: Excrement
Gross! Is it human?? Why would someone do this?
Sam
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Fri, Dec 28, 2018 at 9:13 AM
To: Staff
Re: Excrement
Sam, Kyle,
I do believe it is human. I think I saw a Corn Pop in there. Also, I don’t know why someone would choose to make a bowel movement on the front steps of our store. In times like this, I ask not why but how we can solve the issue and move on.
Fawn, Owner
From: Sam Asimov
Sent: Fri, Dec 28, 2018 at 9:15 AM
To: Fawn Birchill, Staff
Re: Excrement
Hi Fawn,
Respectfully, this is a biohazard, so maybe we should get the city involved.
Sam
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Fri, Dec 28, 2018 at 9:19 AM
To: Staff
Re: Excrement
Respectfully, Sam, I don’t believe you will become sick if you put on gloves, throw it in a plastic bag, and dispose of it in the trash can outside at the corner.
Fawn, Owner
From: Kyle Krazinsky
Sent: Fri, Dec 28, 2018 at 9:23 AM
To: Fawn Birchill, Staff
Re: Excrement
Hey Fawn,
How about we just wait for it to freeze over and pick it up then? And while we wait, just throw a blanket over it?
Best,
Kyle
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Fri, Dec 28, 2018 at 9:30 AM
To: Staff
Re: Excrement
Staff,
I’ll clean it up.
Fawn, Owner
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Fri, Dec 28, 2018 at 7:18 PM
To: Staff
Subject: The Grumpy Mug Calling
Dear Staff,
After we closed, I received a call from Mark at the Grumpy Mug accusing one of us of placing the excrement in front of his store. If he calls accusing us of such things again, please inform me immediately. I am sickened that he would think I was capable of such a heinous act.
Along those same lines, we cannot keep going as we are and hope to stay successful. We all need to put our heads together and think up what we can do to help turn things around. I believe a good start would be adding a coffee stand to our arsenal. It will be at no extra cost to us, as I have a large jug of Folgers that has been sitting on my refrigerator for god knows how long and plenty of plastic cups from a picnic a couple of years ago. Please let me know what you can contribute from your own homes, and that way it won’t end up costing us anything extra!
Also, many thanks to whoever filled up the bowls of food for the alley cats. If you do so and notice the bag is getting low, please let me know and I’ll run out and buy more.
Fawn, Owner
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Sat, Dec 29, 2018 at 8:18 AM
To: Mark Nilsen
Subject: Garbage
Dear Mark,
Today I walked outside to discover a trash bag in front of our building with old food and other questionable and rancid substances within. I went through it (with rubber gloves) and found, much to my surprise, that it was from your store due to the many receipts inside. Congratulations, by the way—it looks like your hippie customers are big spenders indeed. Either they have excellent jobs or (more likely) they are running up their credit cards—an unsustainable act to be certain, so it would be unwise to rely on their business for much longer if that’s the case.
Is this because of the feces incident? I want to let you know that I did not place the feces in front of your store. I wouldn’t put the act past one of my dangerously loyal employees, however, and if that was the case then I apologize. Please note that I can be fined for having trash (a health hazard) in front of my place of business.
Yours in business,
Fawn Birchill, The Curious Cat Book Emporium (a The Adventures of Tom Sawyer specialist store)
P.S. I can’t help but notice that the events you are holding in your store, quite late at night, seem to be rather boisterous for a weeknight. Often the events wake me on the rare occasions that I am actually able to go to sleep. Might it be possible for you to ask them to not be so loud, as it is a predominantly residential block?
From: Mark Nilsen
Sent: Sat, Dec 29, 2018 at 4:23 PM
To: Fawn Birchill
Re: Garbage
Hi Fawn,
The sanitation workers must have failed to pick that one up. It was also a windy day, so it’s possible it just blew out of the truck while it was going down the street. I’m sorry it landed on your property. I can’t believe I have to say this, but in the future please don’t go through our garbage.
Thanks,
Mark
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Thu, Jan 3, 2019 at 8:14 AM
To: Staff
Subject: Holiday Party
Dear Staff,
For those of you who showed up to the party, thank you. Thank you to Kyle and Aiden, who both stayed for most of the party, and to Angela, who showed up for an hour, drank most of the wine, and left. I purchased a lot of pizza and a fair number of libations for this party, so I would appreciate it if you could take some of it home after work tomorrow. Sam, I don’t know where you were (you told me that you would be there), but you truly missed out on a lovely wintry evening full of mirth and merriment. We even played a few quick rounds of charades where I impersonated a snake by dancing like one of those belly dancers. No one got it! What fun!
Happy holidays!
Fawn, Owner
January 3, 2019
My store is falling apart, and I don’t know what to do. Last night I came downstairs to the heater making loud banging noises. I turned it off and tried to turn it back on, but now it won’t turn on.
I dragged my two space heaters up from the basement. One I gave to Jane, asking that she does not so much as walk by it, as it is such a fire hazard. No doubt she’s already forgotten what it is. I am imagining her pushing it out of her way and innocently turning it toward the wall or her curtains. Needless to say, I don’t plan on sleeping tonight. For now the other space heater is keeping me warm, but I do not know what I’ll do when the store opens. Space heaters and books do not mix.
To make matters worse, Mark is having one of his events again. He clearly did not tell his customers to keep it down, as they are loud as ever.
Luckily for me, I found a bot
tle of wine in my cabinet that I didn’t know I had. I am drinking it now. I hope it will calm me.
It isn’t always this way, but there are days, and they are becoming more frequent, when I ask myself why I’m still doing this. I don’t know sometimes. I don’t know.
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Fri, Jan 4, 2019 at 6:05 AM
To: Angela Washington
Subject: Posting
Angela,
It has been over a week since my posting, and I haven’t heard anything from a single person. Perhaps we did it wrong? And I know things take time, but this is ridiculous. Do you think it is my picture? It is the only one I have of myself that is decent, but now that I think about it, that hat with the bird on it makes me look like a kook. Would you help me tweak a few things? I’ll pay you extra.
Fawn, Owner
P.S. Please do not tell the boys.
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Fri, Jan 4, 2019 at 7:45 AM
To: Staff
Subject: Space Heaters
Dear Staff,
Please do not move the space heaters. I have positioned them specifically so they will not burn the building down. This morning I came downstairs to find one of them turned off (thankfully!) but facing the Tom Sawyer books. Need I point out that is not a viable way of getting rid of them?
Thank you for your cooperation,
Fawn, Owner
From: Kyle Krazinsky
Sent: Fri, Jan 4, 2019 at 8:02 AM
To: Fawn Birchill, Staff
Re: Space Heaters
Hey Fawn,
Maybe you’re sleepwalking? We definitely didn’t touch it.
Kyle
Confessions of a Curious Bookseller Page 10
