From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Tue, Jan 8, 2019 at 8:17 PM
To: Twain Estates
Subject: Business Opportunity
To the estate of Mark Twain:
I do not doubt that you have heard of my store and me in the Mark Twain circuit recently. If your head has been in the literary sand for the past two months, then I have included the news article regarding my bookstore and its specialty in Mark Twain literature. Without getting too deep into the bookstore (it is all included in the article), I will cut to the chase, as I imagine you are extremely busy and have very little time to read letters from strangers.
I have a proposition for you. Though I have sold many of my books, I still have an enormous number of Tom Sawyer books that have not yet been purchased. This is no reflection of the unpopularity of my store, but perhaps these incredible pieces of history could be even more valuable with the stroke of your pen.
Would you help me in this endeavor by putting your pen to them, increasing their value and making them pieces of history and collector’s items? My idea is this: If you were to come down to Philadelphia, I would put you up in the Best Western (a fine hotel near the art museum), or alternatively you may stay with me in my apartment. I will create a workstation in the back office of the bookstore where you may sign your name and stamp “Official Mark Twain Collector’s Item, Authenticated by the Estate of Mark Twain.” I will purchase the stamp.
Thoughts? If you agree to this, you will collect 10 percent of the profits sold on each book. Regardless of copyright date, I will value each book at no less than one hundred dollars, which means that for each book sold you will walk away with at least ten dollars. We have about eight hundred of these books, so you could stand to make, at the worst, $8,000!
Please consider this and respond as soon as possible.
Thank you for your time, and happy New Year!
Best,
Fawn Birchill, Owner, The Curious Cat Book Emporium (a The Adventures of Tom Sawyer specialist store)
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BOOK SIGNING!
Starting in February, the Curious Cat Book Emporium, located in beautiful West Philadelphia, will give the Philadelphia community a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to meet the estate of Mark Twain. Books signed by the estate will be sold through February, but the time in which you can meet the estate member(s) is limited; therefore, you may purchase tickets in advance by calling the number below. Tickets will be going fast, so ACT NOW!!
Ticket Price: $15 for a five-minute Meet the Author’s Estate on February 8 and 9. (Tickets are nonrefundable under any circumstance.)
Book Price Range: $100 and up
Store Hours (Extended through February): 8 a.m.–8 p.m.
Event Hours: 6 p.m.–9 p.m.
Coffee/snacks provided for purchase
From: Sam Asimov
Sent: Wed, Jan 9, 2019 at 8:17 AM
To: Fawn Birchill, Staff
Re: Sales Numbers
Hi Fawn,
What about starting a blog about your store? It will drive interest, and it might give people a chance to see another side of you, the store, and Butterscotch that they don’t normally see. Thoughts?
Sam
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Wed, Jan 9, 2019 at 9:58 AM
To: Staff
Re: Sales Numbers
Dear Sam,
Though Angela has already won the gift certificate, I do like this idea as well. Can you please help me set that up? I know very little about blogging, but it might be a good way in which to drive interest, like you said. How is the Parrot going? Have you started?
Thank you for your suggestions,
Fawn, Owner
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Wed, Jan 9, 2019 at 9:59 PM
To: Staff
Subject: Gala Event
Dear Staff,
Upon closing the store tonight, I discovered that someone had put a poster on our door advertising Mark’s gala event. Surely I know it wasn’t one of you, but please let me know which one of our turncoat customers did this so that I can reprimand them. Or perhaps maybe Mark snuck over when we weren’t looking and put it up? On second thought, I believe that to be more likely.
And let me just ask: How did he get sponsorship from phillysmallbiz.com and every nonprofit in the city? This nobody, who appeared out of the woodwork, seems to have connections like the mob. Watch your backs, everyone.
Sincerely,
Fawn, Owner
PHILLY LOVE FINDER
Butterscotch,
Would you be interested in a date?
Mr-Pants
PHILLY LOVE FINDER
Mr-Pants,
What would a date consist of in your book? I will admit that it’s been a long time since I’ve been on what anyone would define as a date.
Also, is that scrap metal in the back of that pickup truck in your photo?
What does your alias mean? Does the hyphen suggest that you are without pants, or is that just because Philly Love Finder does not allow one to use periods in one’s username? I haven’t tried myself.
Butterscotch
PHILLY LOVE FINDER
Butterscotch,
How about Afghan? It’s very savory. Lots of spinach, rice, and tender meat. It’s some of my favorite food in the entire world. What do you think? Feeling adventurous?
And yeah—that’s my art project in the making. I use scrap metal and whatever various crap I can get my hands on.
Mr-Pants
PHILLY LOVE FINDER
Mr-Pants,
I have never had Afghan food before, but the way you describe it, it sounds lovely. When and where?
You make art out of scrap metal!!?? I would just LOVE to see that!
You did not answer my question about the pants.
Butterscotch
Jan 11, 2019
If anything happens to me and anyone (particularly family) comes across my journal and decides to violate my privacy, I encourage and urge you to stop reading at this moment. Do not continue. Shut the book. Perhaps burn it? I would be eternally grateful. It’s not that I have many great secrets or that you will come across a horrible truth that you hadn’t known about me. In fact, my life is both dull and full: two qualities that ensure an incredibly boring journal.
I am extremely disappointed in my Christmas gifts, but that is par for the course once you hit your fifties and stop consorting with family on a regular basis. Having a life tends to lead one to this fate.
I think my Christmases may have been better had I been given a brother and not a sister. Men tend to give money as gifts, are far less apologetic, and waste very little time in stores hunting for the right thing only to settle on the dreadful 50 percent off bin with the fluffy hats and the self-help books.
It would have also been nice to have a brother because ever since I was a little girl, I have wanted to be a Caddy to someone. I have always loved the character from The Sound and the Fury, though I don’t believe it was Faulkner’s aim to create a female character that young girls could look up to. It was less what Caddy did and more her absence that interested me, as well as her brothers’ fascination with her and her untouchable beauty—untouchable mostly because it was so hard to see. She is in the book so little, although the entire story revolves around her. Her brothers are absolute worshippers of her whether they like it or not, and worship they do, mostly because she is absent! And here I am: the absent daughter whom nobody knows is gone. I have always been the capable older sister, while Florence floundered through life like a rag doll, yelping and crying at the first sign of trouble. Once, my family accidentally left me behind on a camping trip. I wandered through the woods and pretended I was a beaver before they found me a few hours later, chewing on a stump. That was me: self-sufficient Fawn. You see, it didn’t take long for me to adapt to my new environment, not unlike the character Buck in The Call of the Wild. Truth be told, I was rather disappointed when they found m
e.
After the holidays, life is as dull as ever. The world turns gray, and people stop being nice to each other because there are no more gifts to open. No more surprises. Some people need the promise of a reward.
The issue with Mark and the Grumpy Mug is escalating. The other day he invited me to his gala, as if he really wants me there! And that holiday card that he had all his employees sign. He must be doing rather poorly to kiss butt as much as he does. I have no intention of ever setting foot in that awful place, but I will say that when I walk by and glance in from across the street, there are many people there. However, I know it is only because they sell coffee and beer—a clever trick all the same, and so I say touché. I know my Folgers probably won’t stand a chance against his organic, fair trade, arabica hippie sludge, but I suppose it’s better than nothing. If I charge a dollar a cup, I’ll be bringing in more money, and it won’t cost me nearly a thing since it will be stuff from my kitchen that I already own. I’ll just have to buy some sugar and powdered creamer. Everyone knows it’s the smarter choice since it lasts longer.
The Mark Twain event is the thing—the way I vanquish him, once and for all. I can sell as much coffee as I would like or make a multitude of posters, but what will really wreck him is if my event is a success. I will advertise, and I will garner such interest that by the night of my event, he will be shaking in his Converse shoes and I will finally have the money I need to fix or replace my heating system. (Due to the space heaters, my electric bill has risen significantly.)
In other news, Butterscotch has been ripping out his fur. I have been finding little tufts of hair throughout the store. Sometimes I wish cats were taken seriously enough that we could hire licensed therapists for them.
It snowed today! A little late since now no one is in the mood to shop—only to return unwanted gifts. By the way, I plan to try and exchange the awful socks at Target. As much as I hate the socks, every time I return a gift from my family I feel as if I’m giving up a piece of them, and it makes me sad. As I stand in line, I have to keep telling myself that it’s really nothing personal and that they are just bad at picking out gifts. They can’t help it. And to be honest, I’m always so busy with my business that I make it impossible for them to know what to get me. So there, that makes me feel better. Off to Target!
PHILLY LOVE FINDER
Dear Mr-Pants,
I am so looking forward to dinner! So that you will recognize me, I will be wearing a purple dress and a blue silk scarf with small golden chariots on it. Though . . . I may wear a black skirt and a green silk blouse with the blue scarf. Either way I will have the silk scarf. It was a gift from Paris, so I think it makes me appear quite worldly. You be the judge!
See you then.
Sincerely,
Butterscotch
PHILLY LOVE FINDER
Dear Mr-Pants,
Did you fall ill? We were supposed to meet at the restaurant at six, but you were nowhere to be found! I figured you were running a little late, so I went inside out of the cold and waited on that velvet bench by the door for twenty minutes, but you still never showed up. Meanwhile the door kept opening as more people arrived, and each time I suffered a horrible blast of air with which my silk scarf could not contend. There was one instance when I thought it was you, for a tall man in a black coat hurried in as if he was late (and he resembled you, strongly). He stopped, looked down at me where I was sitting, and let out a horrid chuckle before turning red in the face, pulling out his cell phone, and walking out the door. Surely that couldn’t have been you because you would have said something upon recognizing the silk scarf. Perhaps an apology for being so late? I believe this man had the wrong restaurant, for there are two side by side on this street—a worry I had until I verified the name of it (I had it written on a piece of paper).
At seven, just as I was about to leave, a handsome man came in and, looking quite sad, sat down on the bench beside me. I asked him what was the trouble, and he said he had recently broken up with his girlfriend and needed to go out on the town. I offered to be his informal date for the night—an offer he accepted—so we spent the evening laughing, talking, and having a wonderful time. He looks a bit like Hugh Jackman but more toned down in looks and so comes across as a bit ragged at first, though his obvious aristocratic persona came out the moment he smiled. Needless to say, I was quite happy with last night and don’t mind at all that you didn’t show, for I had a wonderful time. Hope you are all right and not in a ditch somewhere.
Butterscotch
From: Mark Nilsen
Sent: Sat, Jan 12, 2019 at 7:56 AM
To: Fawn Birchill
Subject: 50 Percent Sale Sign
Hi Fawn,
One of my employees walked by this morning on their way in and saw that you or someone who works for you pulled one of our 50 percent off sale signs from the trash and repurposed it. Can you please take it down?
Best,
Mark
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Sat, Jan 12, 2019 at 8:08 AM
To: Mark Nilsen
Re: 50 Percent Sale Sign
Dear Mark,
Well, the sign was in the dumpster, undestroyed, available for anyone to use. I’ll have you know that to appease to your sensibilities, I had my employee cross out where it says GRUMPY MUG BOOKSTOP.
Hope that satisfies you.
Best,
Fawn
From: Mark Nilsen
Sent: Sat, Jan 12, 2019 at 8:18 AM
To: Fawn Birchill
Re: 50 Percent Sale Sign
Hi Fawn,
No, sorry, but that doesn’t satisfy me. It’s still my property, and I would like you not to use it and to also no longer pick through our trash. I don’t want to have to call the police.
Best,
Mark
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Sat, Jan 12, 2019 at 8:20 AM
To: Mark Nilsen
Re: 50 Percent Sale Sign
Mark,
It doesn’t say your store name anymore, so I don’t see the issue or the need to call the cops. I don’t believe going through the garbage is a crime, but I’d be happy to challenge that with you in person.
Fawn
From: Mark Nilsen
Sent: Sat, Jan 12, 2019 at 8:34 AM
To: Fawn Birchill
Re: 50 Percent Sale Sign
Hi Fawn,
In order to have accessed my garbage bin, you would have had to trespass onto my property, which is a crime and something I could call the cops over.
Best,
Mark
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Sat, Jan 12, 2019 at 8:50 AM
To: Mark Nilsen
Re: 50 Percent Sale Sign
Dear Mark,
You win. The sign has come down, so you can call off the dogs. Perhaps next time you should shred your old signage if you are so afraid of people reusing it.
Fawn
From: Mark Nilsen
Sent: Sat, Jan 12, 2019 at 10:45 PM
To: Fawn Birchill
Subject: Cops
Hi Fawn,
Someone called the cops on our store this evening due to a noise complaint. Do you know anything about this?
Best,
Mark
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Sat, Jan 12, 2019 at 11:09 PM
To: Mark Nilsen
Re: Cops
Dear Mark,
I believe it was my downstairs tenant, who is very old and needs sleep. I hope you know that I would at least walk over and ask in person before doing such a thing. I believe the only reason she called the cops on your admittedly boisterous event was because she has a very difficult time getting around, and calling is more convenient.
Best wishes,
Fawn
From: Fawn Windsor
Sent: Sun, Jan 13, 2019 at 8:17 AM
To: Gregory Harris
Subject: Winter romance
Dear Gregor
y,
I don’t want to pry into your love life, but I feel as if I must divulge mine to you. I went on a blind date last night to find, much to my surprise, that it was a celebrity! Now, I won’t reveal to you who he is because it might very well end, but he took me to the finest restaurant in London and then afterward we walked along the Thames together, not quite hand in hand but close! And when we parted, I gave him a kiss!
It’s quite possible nothing will happen with this, and I know if not for my illustrious status we probably would have never met, but it is something I will look back on fondly. Are you still single? Do you go on many dates? The dating world can be very difficult—especially when one is busy. You might not think someone like me can be very busy, but lately I have willingly taken on more work around the estate (mostly due to extreme boredom), and I find there is so little time for myself these days! Work is truly the thing that keeps my mind from running out of control, because otherwise I find myself sitting around this grand estate wondering what exactly I’m even doing here anymore. Think about it, Gregory! I am only here because I was born into it, because I was told that this was the life I was supposed to lead. No one ever took Fawn Windsor aside and asked her what she wanted. Of course, what child wouldn’t want sprawling acres, teams of horses, and being waited on hand and foot? So of course, I understand why they never bothered to ask.
Once, to quell my boredom, I tried my hand at writing romance novels, but it was a miserable failure. I lack the imagination to conjure up romance out of thin air, and I refuse to use my own whirlwind romances, as they are ever so personal. And so, I feed the horses and help Pierre outfit them with new shoes. I brush them and exercise them. Last fall I even painted one of the barns! I just love getting dirty once in a while with the peasants—it makes me feel so alive!
Here I am going on. I just wanted to say hullo and keep you updated on the romantic whirlwind that is my life!
How did you like Turks and Caicos? What I wouldn’t give to lie on a sandy beach right now, but alas, I promised Pierre I would help him with the horses this week. Perhaps the week after . . .
Much love,
Fawn Windsor
From: Gregory Harris
Sent: Mon, Jan 14, 2019 at 1:12 AM
Confessions of a Curious Bookseller Page 12
