I wait for him to say what name they'd chosen for a girl, but instead he lowers his head and stares at the table. Though I'm scared, I say, "Did you agree on a girl's name?"
Without looking up, he nods, then after a long pause says, "Kate."
My body feels like I've been electrocuted. "Kate? Really?"
He looks up, his eyes sad, and nods again. "I guess maybe that's why she used it as her alias when she ran away. It... surprised me, when I heard that name from you on Thursday."
His wife had given herself a new name, one they'd picked out together for a baby they hadn't been able to conceive. Yes, that would have been surprising. Why had Donna used that name? Would we ever know?
We sit silent for at least a minute, then a dreamy half-smile creeps over his face and he leans closer before saying softly, "I'd never had sex without protection before and it was incredible. Terrifying, but so incredible. I fell in love all over again that night."
I don't know what to say to this, and something in my face must tell him he's gone too far with the details because he leans back and says, "Well. Sorry. It's one of my favorite memories of our years together but maybe not the best one to share with you." He shakes his head. "Sorry. Sometimes I forget I'm not talking to the Donna I know." He gives me an attempt at a smile. "It's just, you guys look a lot alike."
I smile back. "True. Except for the clothes." I'm wearing the jeans and gray sweater I was wearing the day I met Jake, but Ryan told me when we met at the mall that he'd never seen those clothes before. Donna must have picked them up before leaving for Toronto.
He clears his throat. "I do like what you wear now, though. You look different. Happier." He puts his hand over mine. "Are you happy at all? I know everything's messed up, but... even a little bit?"
I have to think about this, and he sits waiting, although his eyes show his anxious hope, until I say, "You know, weirdly, I kind of am. Or at least not sad. Maybe the ECT worked this time and I won't get depressed again."
"It's always a possibility," he says. "And then we can--"
"Ryan, there you are!" Claire's shrill voice pierces the relaxed atmosphere of Starbucks like a wire clay cutter sliding effortlessly into Jake's sculpture. "I've been searching the city for you."
Ryan mutters, "Hell. Should have gone somewhere else."
Then she's upon us. "I'm glad I thought to come check here for you. I was hoping we could go shopping. There are so many great stores here that we don't have in Ottawa."
Ryan glances at me. "Feel like a little shopping?"
"Oh," Claire says before I can answer.
Ryan and I both look at her, and she says, "No, of course that's fine. I was thinking I'd get to spend a little alone time with my son but that's quite all right. We'll get that driving back to Ottawa, won't we? Since Donna's staying here."
Claire has such a way of dropping tiny little daggers into the conversation, almost unnoticed except for the stinging pain they cause their target. It'd be impressive if so many of them weren't aimed at me.
"Yup, we'll get it driving home," Ryan says. "So of course it's fine if we all go shopping."
"I was afraid you might have been shopping already and wouldn't want to go," Claire says. "What have you been up to?"
"Brunch," I say. "Then chatting."
"For hours? What on earth about?"
I'm about to point out that I have lost fifteen years of my life so it'd take more than a few hours to get even just the pieces that involve Ryan filled in, but fortunately he steps in before me, with a much less confrontational response. "I was telling her all my secrets."
She smiles at him. "Oh, Ryan, you have no secrets. A big open book, that's you."
He gives a forced laugh. "That's what I like people to think." To me, he says, "All those secrets I shared with you today, nobody knows them. Guard them with your life, okay?"
I know what he's trying to tell me, and I'm thrilled that his mother doesn't know he cheated on me. No doubt she'd be certain it was all my fault. I smile and pretend to lock my lips shut.
He smiles back, and his mother says, "What secrets did you share?"
He raises his eyebrows at her. "If I told you, they wouldn't be secrets, would they? Nothing big, Mom, just... stuff."
"But--"
She's obviously not going to let it go so I say, "Deep dark secrets. Like his favorite candy, and where he buys his socks."
Ryan laughs, then gives me a mock glare. "Don't give them away!"
I clap a hand over my mouth in fake shock and he gives my other hand a squeeze.
"So, shopping," Claire says, sounding like she's not keen on the... would we call this 'flirtation' between Ryan and me? I think so. I am flirting with my husband. And he is certainly flirting back. "The stores are only open another two hours or so. Are we all going?"
I would rather go home to my new apartment and paint a wall so I can watch it dry than hang out with Claire. "I'll leave you guys to it," I say. "It's been a busy day and I could use a little time alone."
Claire gives me a big sweet utterly fake smile. "Of course, dear. You get your rest. Ryan, are you ready to go?"
He nods, but looks to me instead of getting up. "Did you have any more questions you need answered right now?"
In front of his mother? I think quickly then say, "Yes, about Bubbly Words."
Claire says, "What, dear?" but Ryan knows what I mean. "The game? What about it? I can't help you play, I never tried it."
"It's not that." I explain the existence of the secret area in the game. "I have no idea how to get into it though. Do you?"
He shakes his head, and I search his face but don't feel like he's lying. "I never touched it and Donna definitely didn't mention that."
"You'll get to see all of your secrets if you figure it out," Claire says. "Then Ryan can see yours like he's told you all of his."
My eyes meet Ryan's, and I know he doesn't want to read how Donna really felt about his affair. I'm not sure I do either, but learning more can only improve the chances of my memories coming back. "If I find out where Donna buys her socks, I'll let you know."
He winks and we all get up and head out. On the sidewalk, he gives my shoulder a squeeze. "Have a good evening. We'll be heading back to Ottawa after breakfast tomorrow, so how's about you and I have breakfast and then Mom and I will make the drive?"
He's been very clear with who's going to be where, and I like it. "Sounds good. Why don't I talk to my friend Hannah about where we should go and let you know first thing in the morning?"
There's a slyness to his smile that suggests he knows I'm trying to make sure Claire can't find us. Knows, and likes it. "Works for me."
He pulls me closer into a half hug, and I wrap my arm around his waist and squeeze him back.
Claire looks like she smells something bad.
Another question hits me. "Ryan, I emailed Ethan on Thursday but he hasn't written back. Any idea how responsive he usually is?"
Ryan pulls away from me. "Did you put his name in the subject line?"
"Nope. Should I have?"
"His school gets a lot of junk mail so their spam filter is really picky. Try his name. Okay, Mom, let's go."
She nods, looking distracted, and they leave and I walk toward the subway thinking through all I've learned today. What a crazy and saddening life Donna had. Do I want any part of it?
I can see how I might someday want Ryan. But I certainly don't envy Donna her mother-in-law.
I've only gone a few feet when Claire calls, "Donna!"
I turn back to see her heading toward me with Ryan in tow. He looks tense and unhappy, but puts on a smile when he sees me looking at him.
"Donna, dear, Ryan forgot to tell you." She pats his arm. "Poor boy, so much on his mind. But I remembered as we were walking away so I reminded him. Tell her, honey."
Ryan clears his throat. "If you put the words 'monkey butler' in the subject line of your email, it'll get to Ethan right away. He's got it set up some
how to make sure those words get through."
I blink. "Monkey butler?"
He shrugs. "Don't ask me why, but that's the phrase. Sorry, I should have said so before. I didn't think of it."
He looks so sorry, like he thinks I'll be furious. I'm not, though. He certainly does have quite a bit on his mind, what with his wife disappearing and all that, so I just smile and say, "I'll try it. Thanks."
We say our goodbyes again and go our separate ways, but doubts hit me as soon as we part and I spend the whole trip home wondering why he didn't tell me this right away. Busy mind or not, I can't really believe he forgot the code phrase when I mentioned my email not being answered. It's pretty memorable. Did he not want to say the words in front of Claire in case she used them to email my brother? But no, Claire already knew about it.
Or could it be that Ryan was considering not helping me get in touch with the only person who can help me remember my childhood?
But why?
Chapter Eighteen
"So do you remember it all yet? You and him and your perfect marriage?"
"Of course I do, Jake. That's why I'm sitting here in Toronto with you guys while he drives back to Ottawa."
Hannah chuckles and Jake says, "No need to be obnoxious. Your mother-in-law has that one covered."
"Jake!"
I smile at Hannah. "Actually, he's right. And he doesn't know the half of it." I tell them about the various cracks she delivered then say, "And she called him five times while we had breakfast this morning, with five equally stupid excuses."
"Like what?"
"Was he sure the hotel checkout was at eleven? Did he think she should wear her black sweater or would that be too warm for the drive? Would he like her to pick him up a bagel so he could eat it in the car?"
"But you were at that amazing waffle place. He hardly needed more food."
I laugh. "She wanted him to admit where we were so she could come and pick on me some more. And it was amazing, so thanks for the recommendation."
Not just the food had been great, frankly. With the secret, the saga of Colleen, he'd obviously been trying to hide before out in the open we were able to talk more freely. He told me all about our daily lives together back in Ottawa, and I liked what I heard, and I also liked the feel of his strong arms around me and his lips against my forehead when we said goodbye. He'd promised to come see me the next weekend, without Claire, and I'm surprised at how much I miss him already.
"No problem." Hannah smiles at me. "So, is he cute?"
Jake snorts.
"What?" Hannah and I say in near-unison.
"I'm right here."
"Why does that matter? We're talking about her husband. He's obviously got great taste in jewelry." She taps my right hand where my wedding rings are. "I want to know if he's cute too."
Jake rolls his eyes but Hannah ignores him and looks at me expectantly.
"Well," I say slowly, not sure how to describe him in front of Jake, "he's tall. And blond with blue eyes."
"Taller than Jake?"
"By an inch or two," I say, and Jake mutters something about high-heeled shoes.
Hannah looks shocked. "He wears heels?"
I elbow Jake. "Of course not. When we met him he was wearing a suit so of course he had on dress shoes. Typical businessman stuff. For the weekend it was pants and loafers with button-down shirts. No jeans, at least not when I saw him."
"Stuffy jerk," Jake mumbles but Hannah gives me a dreamy smile. "I love men who dress up a little even on the weekend. It's so nice to see one out of ripped jeans and dirty t-shirts."
We all look at Jake's knee peering from the rip in his jeans and Hannah and I laugh.
Jake doesn't. "So he dresses well, big deal. He's a jerk, though."
"You hardly know him," I say, stung. "You saw him once. So what do you know?"
"What do you know," he snaps back, "really? He's telling you what supposedly happened but you have no way to know for sure. He could be making it all up."
This could be true, but what sane man would make up an affair? "I don't think so. And anyhow, I'll talk to my brother tonight and find out more."
After I got home the previous afternoon, I'd emailed Ethan again using the 'monkey butler' code phrase. He answered within an hour, saying he could talk to me via Skype the next night at nine my time if I wanted. Once I used the ever-helpful Google to figure out what Skype was and asked Hannah if she could lend me a headset, I wrote Ethan back and said that'd be great. Hannah had come over to deliver the headset and see my apartment and chat about how my life had changed since I saw her last weekend, and Jake had apparently come over to bitch about Ryan.
"I wonder what your brother will say," Jake says now. "He'll probably tell you the truth. I just hope you listen."
I drop back against the couch and glare at Jake. "Why are you so against Ryan?"
"Why are you so for him?" He shakes his head. "You forgot all about him. Maybe it's for a reason, Kate. Maybe he's bad for you."
*****
"Of course he's not bad for you," Ethan says in response to my tentative questioning. "Ryan's a great guy."
"Really? Why do you say that?"
Ethan pauses, and I say, "Are you making that weird face where you raise one eyebrow and kind of crumple the other one?"
"I don't have a mirror by my desk, but probably."
I laugh. "I love your confused face. I'm glad you still make it."
"As long as you keep confusing me I'll keep making it. But Ryan's good for you. From everything I've seen, you're good for each other."
Ethan sounds like a man now, but he also still sounds like my baby brother. I'm glad. At last, someone I recognize.
The start of the call was awkward, understandably so since I'm not really the sister he knew and unexpectedly so because he didn't realize Donna had been depressed and so my email explaining I'd lost my memory to ECT had stunned him. We were both shocked she hadn't told him, but I told him everything I could and after a few minutes we became comfortable with each other. He's filled me in on his life for the last fifteen years, assured me I helped my mother in her last days and that I'd seen Dad only a few days before his heart attack killed him, and told me that my wedding was lovely except when Claire burst out sobbing in the middle of the ceremony. Ryan and I apparently ignored her and she stopped fairly quickly. Ethan's assurance that he'd have stopped her himself if she'd gone on much longer made me laugh.
The one thing he hasn't been able to tell me is why I've lost the particular years I have.
"When you were seventeen, you went to England for a school exchange program. You were gone that whole school year. When you came back, you'd grown up an awful lot, which isn't much of a surprise since it must have been weird being there alone. You and the parents weren't as close after. Not all that much fighting or anything, just... distant. But you were nicer to me and didn't abuse me nearly as much, so that was a nice change."
I laugh. "I remember you abusing me, not the other way around. Tiny sharp Lego pieces hidden in my carpet, that stupid rubber snake of yours showing up in my dresser drawers and under my pillow..."
"Ah, but your memory's not reliable, sister dear. So clearly mine is the correct story."
"Not hardly, brother dear. But whatever. What else is up with you?"
We talk a bit longer, then he says, "Sadly, I should go to bed. It's nearly four in the morning here."
"Ethan! You should have told me."
"I usually stay up until three or so. No problem. It was good talking to you, Donna. Kate."
"You can call me Donna. It's my name, after all."
I remember Jake calling me Spartacus and a twinge of sadness hits me. I'd thought I could keep being friends with Jake once I found my old life again, but with Ryan in that life it looks like that won't happen.
"Kadonna?"
"Whatever floats your boat, monkey butler."
I'd asked why that was the code phrase, and Ethan had said, as if it
were painfully obvious, "Because it would be so cool to have a monkey butler."
My brother has grown older but hasn't grown up.
Good.
"Thank you, Kadonna. So. I have an idea. I have a week's vacation in two months. I was planning to bum around France but now I'm thinking it might be good to come back and see you. What do you think?"
"I think that'd be amazing."
"All right then. I'll book the flight. Can I stay with you and Ryan in-- Oh. Um. Can I stay with someone somewhere?"
I have to laugh. "Wherever I'm living at that point, I'll find somewhere for you to stay."
"Sounds good. Have a good evening, Kadonna."
"Sleep tight, monkey butler."
I'm about to end the call when I realize what I didn't ask. "Ethan!"
"Yup?"
It's a long shot but I have to check. "I have this game on my iPhone called Bubbly Words. There's apparently a secret area in it someplace. I don't suppose I ever told you how to get into it?"
"Sorry, but no. But I do know that you were doing lots of reading about personal privacy and security and all that. You told me about it when I was there last year, told me until I could take no more, to be honest. You'd just found out about storing really important things in various places with different codes. Maybe you did that."
This is more information than I've had so far but I don't quite get it. "Different codes? How?"
"You gave me the example of putting a visible fingerprint on the top edge of a picture frame, which wouldn't mean anything to anyone else but would tell you that you needed to check the top shelf in your closet where you keep your gloves. In there, you'd find a business card with random numbers which would lead you to a file in your computer with a date that corresponded to those numbers, and in that file would be something that sent you elsewhere, and eventually you'd find whatever was hidden."
I picture the Bruce Williams numbers on my business card. "Seems complicated."
Toronto Collection Volume 2 (Toronto Series #6-9) Page 33
