Ethan grimaces. "I guess so. Does he have any idea where the baby ended up?"
"I asked him every way I could think of and he said no every time. Donna wouldn't tell him much. She didn't want to talk about it, didn't even want to think about it. She was terrified, though, that she'd come home one day and find her on the doorstep."
Shaking his head, my brother says, "I had no idea. All those times I saw her, and I had no idea she was dealing with all that. She must have been torn right down the middle over it all."
Torn into her and me. "Ethan. You're so right. Torn down the middle. We are two people. I'm who she would have been if the whole mess hadn't happened."
He leans back in his chair and looks at me. "You're not Donna, that's for sure."
I blink, surprised and a little hurt. "Why do you say that?"
"I haven't had such an open conversation with Donna in... ever. She always had her walls up, making sure she didn't say too much. I thought she was just like that with me, but now I doubt it. But you, you'll talk to me. Tell me things. To be honest, it's kind of refreshing."
I nod, glad he doesn't hate me for taking his sister away. "I've heard that from Ryan and other people, that I'm more open."
"Donna was hiding, all the time." He looks at me sadly. "Can't have been much of a life."
Nope. No wonder she ran away from it.
We sit quietly for a long moment, both considering the pain and fear Donna must have lived in, then he says, "Anything else? Does he know when she was born? Or her name?"
"Her birthday is February twenty-seventh, not even a week before the last ECT treatment. She'd have been..." My throat tightens and I have to clear it before I finish the sentence. "She turned fourteen this year."
Ethan blinks hard, and I look away to give him time to recover and also to make sure he doesn't make me start crying. I can not imagine how agonizing that day must have been for Donna. Every day, frankly, but the date the child she gave up was born?
"She must have been thinking so hard about the baby," Ethan says quietly. "Right before the treatment. Could that be why..."
I shrug. "I'll ask my therapist but I can kind of see it. If she was thinking about it, and that definitely seems likely to me, maybe those memories got disconnected by the treatment."
He frowns. "Disconnected?"
I explain how the memories, according to Doctor Ferraro, are still stored but I've lost the key to get at them, and he says, "Makes sense, I guess. And the name? Did he know?"
When I asked that question Ryan paused for a painfully long time, and it hit me that it might have been Kate. Could she really have planned to reuse the name she gave her first child for the one she wanted to have with Ryan? But no. I have to clear my throat again. "It's Grace." I open my wallet and show him the fortune his sister carried around. "There's one like this in Donna's desk drawer too."
"Live with grace," he reads from the paper. "She couldn't live with her but she couldn't let her go either. Kate, you're breaking my heart. My poor sister."
"I know. It's no wonder she ran away, is it? How did she survive it?"
"Brick walls everywhere. Keeping everyone out. I have to admit, while I'm horrified for Donna I do feel for Ryan too. It can't have been easy finding out your wife kept something like that from you."
I'm not sure how to respond to this. I did push Ryan on his reaction and he admitted that he'd been furious for a while but claimed he'd eventually been able to understand and accept it. I couldn't see how, frankly, and I told him so, which led to him saying he'd done his best. But not long after, Donna had gone downhill like a race car with no brakes, dropping so deep into depression that even ECT hadn't brought her out. So his best hadn't been good enough, his attempt at forgiving Donna hadn't gone far enough. And he knew it.
"I think," I say, "that it changed everything for them. Forever."
"And you two?" He studies me. "Has it changed things for you?"
The tears I've been fighting all evening rise again. "I don't know. I'm beyond angry that he didn't tell me before. It might have brought everything back for me. But then again, it didn't bring it back, and now that I know how dreadful everything was for them both I can see why he kept it to himself and why he didn't want to see me. I'm a reminder of what went wrong, what he did wrong. When he sees me, he sees how far Donna ran to get away from him."
"So, that's it? You're getting divorced?"
I sniff. "I don't know. I guess so." Though a throat tight with tears, I say, "But I love him. I don't remember any of the bad times and I love him. But he'll always remember them so I guess..." I have to bite my lip to keep myself under control.
He gives my hand an awkward pat. "Too bad the ECT didn't erase his memories too, eh?"
"Yeah. Too bad."
Chapter Thirty-Five
I wake up the next morning filled with a sense of purpose. Ryan kept the baby a secret from me because he thought that would be better. He and I had agreed not to tell the people at my company about my amnesia for the same reason. But he'd been wrong, and maybe we were wrong too. I don't want to hide any more. No more secrets.
I shower and put on a business-like black skirt of Donna's and a pink sweater I bought with Hannah and twist up my now mostly blonde hair, then put on a bit of makeup and stare at myself in the mirror. Do I look like a CEO? I suppose I must, since I am one.
I arrive at MMC at around eleven, and the receptionist looks up then gives a startled squeak. "Ms. Merrill! I didn't expect you. Did I?"
I smile at her. "No, don't worry. I'd like to meet with everyone, though. Is that possible?"
"Of course. A few people are out with clients, though. Should I call them back?"
I start to say not to bother, then reconsider. It might be good to have everyone together at once. "Do you know, is there a time today when everyone will be in?"
She turns to her computer and does some fast clicking and typing, then says, "I see everyone free in the Toronto office at two o'clock, and most people in Vancouver and Ottawa. Do you want them involved too? We could conference them in. Would that work for you?"
"Certainly. Could you make sure the Toronto ones know to be here? The ones who are out at the moment, I mean?"
She looks at me quizzically. "Once I add the appointment to the system, they'll know right away. It sends alerts to their phones."
"Right, of course." I make myself smile. "That's one of the things we need to discuss at the meeting." The fact that I know nothing about how this company works.
She's still confused, and understandably so, but she's a professional so she gives me a calm smile and says, "I'll add it right now and we'll see you at two."
"Thanks," I say, and head out wondering what I'll do with myself for three hours. I called this morning to make an appointment with Doctor Ferraro but she's booked solid today so I won't see her until Monday. I could go home but there's not really anything to do there either.
In the end, I walk the city. I've grown to love Toronto in my time here and yet there are so many areas I haven't seen. I cruise around, watching the people and buildings I pass and trying to get my head around everything I've learned, until I find myself outside a private school as the students pour out and head for lunch at the nearby fast food joints.
Three girls pass me. A tall blonde, a short red-head, and one with a vibrant purple streak in her long dark hair. "I'm fifteen, for God's sake," the purple-haired one says dramatically as they go by. "Why can't my mother see I'm grown up and get out of my way?"
Dizziness sweeps me and I have to sit on a bench before I collapse. Fifteen. Grace is only a year younger than these girls, who do in fact look grown up. Of course they're not, but they've got women's bodies now. Women's bodies, but still girls' minds. Exactly how Donna was when she conceived Grace.
Grace. It's even possible that one of the other two girls is Grace. Highly unlikely, of course, but it could be. My daughter might have just walked past me and I'd never know.
How did Donna live with that, all those years? How did Ryan live with it once he knew his wife had a child?
I sit on the bench watching until the students have dispersed, then pull out my phone. There has to be a way to make Bubbly Words let me in. There just has to. I need answers.
Once I type in the number code again, the game cheerfully greets Donna then sits there unresponsive. I've tried everything I can think of in the days since I made it this far but I can find no way to get further. Bubbly Words is blocking me. It's in my way just like the purple-haired girl's mother.
I glare at the phone as if it'll recognize my anger and cough up its secrets. It doesn't cough, of course, but as I study the letters I see G and R close together. Could it be...
I find and tap G-R-A-C-E, my fingers trembling.
"Touch screen and edges in pattern," the game says.
I'm a step further but still not close enough. What does it mean by edges? I give the top of the screen a tap, earning myself the disapproving beep I got before when it didn't like the numbers I entered. The right and left sides get the same result, then the program kicks me out. I go back in, tapping the Bruce Williams numbers and Grace's name, and it doesn't beep when I press the bottom edge. It does, though, when I touch the top again.
There must be a code. But what? I have no idea how many taps are involved, and it would take forever to try every combination.
But still, I've made progress. I walk a few blocks away so I can have lunch at a coffee shop that isn't packed to the eyeballs with teenagers, and begin a systematic test of the screen. It's incredibly slow, since after three errors the program kicks me out and I need to enter the numbers and Grace again, but I keep trying and eventually have the first four steps written on a napkin which I then transcribe into my phone. Down, right, down, right. I'll keep going later.
I will find the way to unlock Bubbly Words.
A chill sweeps me. What if I get in and there's nothing there? Or worse, a 'hello there, snoop' message?
I push this aside. First of all, it's my only hope. Second, the security's awfully tight for there to be nothing there. And third, since Ryan really doesn't seem to know anything about it there'd be no need for her to set up a mocking message in case he broke in.
No. There's something there. Something important. And I will find it.
*****
At two o'clock, I stand in the elegantly simple conference room in front of about fifteen people who all look more professional than I feel. Of course, the purple-haired girl on the street looked more professional than I feel at the moment. My employees are sitting calmly but I can see confusion and concern in their faces, and I have my doubts that I'll be saying anything to relieve those feelings.
The receptionist, whose name I still don't know, says, "Vancouver, are you there?"
"We are indeed. Hello, Donna."
"Hello and good morning," I say, glad I looked up the time difference to Vancouver so I'd know it's still morning there.
"Ottawa's here too," another man says. "But it's afternoon here, of course."
We all chuckle and I say, "Yes, of course."
Then I can't think of what to say next.
It seemed like such a good idea to tell them the truth. But now, as I look at the people I employ and imagine the others sitting in their distant offices, I wonder whether hearing 'your boss doesn't remember anything about the business that pays your salary' is a good thing to do to them. Should all truths be shared?
"Donna?"
I turn to the receptionist and make myself smile. "Yes. Let's do this. Okay, folks. I need something from you. Tell me, each site, where you think I've been the last few weeks. Vancouver, let's start with you."
The Toronto group is silent and looks confused. I can't see Vancouver, of course, but they pause for several seconds and I imagine them elbowing each other to make someone else be the spokesperson. Eventually a woman says, "In Ottawa, we presume."
"Doing what?"
"I would assume working with a few clients and supervising everything else."
"Okay, thanks." I scan the room. "Toronto?"
Toronto has a different story, I can tell, but they also don't have Vancouver's advantage of being able to confer without me seeing them. They glance at each other, then a short skinny man in a strangely shiny suit says, "We were informed that you were unavailable."
I look at him. "Informed by whom, and unavailable why?"
He doesn't look away but I can tell he's uncomfortable. Still, he stays strong and holds my gaze, and I'm proud of my other self for hiring such tough people. "Informed by Nadine in Ottawa, and unavailable because you were working intensively with a client there."
"I see. Ottawa? Nadine, are you there?"
A cool voice says, "I am."
"Someone else, not Nadine. What story were you given?"
Once a man tells me they thought I was in Toronto with a client, I say, "All right. Clearly some things have been kept from you. I apologize for that. But I think it's time to fix it."
"Donna, I'm not sure this is a good idea," Nadine says.
Toronto looks confused and I'm sure Vancouver's much the same. Ottawa's probably staring at Nadine wondering what she knows that they don't. Well, they'll find out in a second. "Nadine, I have faith in these people," I say, and realize that I really do. With what Ryan's told me abut how well they work and how well-respected the firm is, I'm sure they can handle this. "I am telling them the truth."
Nadine doesn't speak. Apparently what I say goes.
I clear my throat. "All right. I have recently undergone a..." Hell. Do they know Donna was depressed? Almost certainly not, if she hadn't even told her own brother about her condition. Maybe I don't want to give them every last detail. They don't need them. "A medical procedure. I won't give specifics since they don't matter. What does matter is this." I take a deep breath and say it. "I have lost my memories of the last fifteen years."
I'm watching the faces of my Toronto staff and I'm amazed that not a single one shows any reaction. A few people blink but that's it, and they might have had to blink anyhow. They're used to hearing strange news and processing it before responding and they're proving how well trained they are. How well Donna trained them.
"I see," the Vancouver woman says. "As I'm sure you can understand, we're all a little shocked."
"Yes, trust me, I felt the same way."
They all chuckle, and I do too. It is kind of funny, after all. Awful, but vaguely funny too.
A woman sitting in front of me says, "No memories at all?"
"One day I was in high school, the next I was--" Waking up in Jake's bed. I'll just keep that part to myself. "In Toronto and hopelessly confused."
"Wow," she says softly.
Nobody speaks until the short skinny man says, "I must say, I'm surprised you're sharing this with us. What do you expect us to do?"
"Yes," I say. "That's the question, isn't it? Here's the thing. I am proud of this company. I've read some of our files, seen the details of the many people we've helped, and while I can't remember it I know it could never have happened without all of you. I guess I'm telling you because it doesn't seem right to keep such a big secret to myself."
"And also because you'll almost certainly end up saying something that doesn't make sense at some point."
I smile at him. "Well, that too. But mostly the first one."
He smiles back, a stiff little smile but still the first I've had from him. He seems to be a leader, because the others relax when he smiles.
The man from Ottawa says, "Do you plan to keep MMC running?"
I hadn't been sure until right now, but being here in the company Donna built from nothing makes it impossible for me to tear it apart. "I do. I will obviously not be taking on any clients myself at this time, but I would very much like to see the company continue to grow."
"Now, it is possible that your memories will return, isn't it?"
It's the Vancouver woman. "Naturally I'm
under medical care, and they do think there's hope. As time goes on, though, well... that hope does diminish. However, we're not giving up yet."
The skinny man clears his throat. "If this isn't too forward, I'd be happy to walk you through our systems and our most prominent clients' files. You're able to remember new material, right?"
"Most definitely," I say, touched. "And I appreciate the offer and I'm delighted to accept. I do seem to still have some of my procedural skills intact so it may be that I could work directly with clients again. In the meantime, though, I'll be leaving that up to all of you."
Nadine says, "Donna, the same offer applies here. I of course have your files for your personal clients. They've been handed off but it could be that seeing them will awaken your memories."
If learning about Grace didn't do it I can't imagine that some client files will, but it's still sweet so I say, "Thank you. I will call you privately to set up a time for that."
"Sounds good," she says, then there's a silence.
I feel I should be the one to break it. "I can imagine this is hard to hear. Trust me, it was hard to say. If anyone has any questions or concerns, please feel free to bring them up now or email them to me." I'm sure I have an email account, and no doubt someone here can show me how to get into it. I don't want to let Donna's business crumble. It would be better if she were here to run it, but I'll have to do.
Someone, not in Toronto, who hadn't spoken yet says, "I assume we're not sharing this information with clients?"
The Toronto staff share glances of 'well, duh' and I say, "I think not. Honesty is a great policy but there's honesty and then there's self-destruction. Let's stay on the right side of that line, shall we?"
Toronto shares smiles this time and she says, "Understood."
A thought occurs to me. "If anyone feels unable to stay with the company under these conditions, please let me or Nadine know and we'll arrange a termination settlement." An inappropriate giggle hits me. "Of course, Nadine, if you can't stay, then you'd better let--"
"I am going nowhere," her calm voice says. "I've been with you five years and I've really only just got you trained."
Toronto Collection Volume 2 (Toronto Series #6-9) Page 43
