by Claire Adams
He didn’t seem to be showing signs of either. He was acting like everything was…normal. I was not sure what to make of that. Was it normal to him? Wouldn’t that be so wrong?
“We’ve got enough canoes for two to each boat. Most of them are already down by the harbor. Do you two feel confident enough to do this on your own?”
“I don’t know if we’re really strong enough,” Carla started. She’s incorrigible.
“We’ll be fine,” I said with my teeth grit in her direction. She smiled. I am so going to kick her ass.
“Okay then, just grab which one you want and when we take off, we’ll all follow each other. We’ll have some time to explore Bumpkin Island before lunch. It’s a great place, if you’ve never been there.”
“Okay, thanks.” He smiled again.
God, he’s so beautiful. I watched him walk away to go greet the rest of the canoe party and I actually forgot Carla was there until she said, “Whoa…he’s hot! I wish I was screwing a priest.”
“Carla!” I tried to act shocked, but I had to smile. She’s too much, but no one can ever accuse her of not speaking her mind. I wished I was more like her, sometimes. Most of the time, actually. “Come on, let’s get a boat.”
As we walked down towards the edge of the water she said, “He’s good.”
“What do you mean?”
“I got no indication the two of you had sex from him. He’s good. I wonder how many other women he’s seduced.” She let that hang in the air. I’d had the same thought, but I didn’t want to say it aloud. That might make it real.
We picked out one of the canoes and dragged it off to the side. I was on the side facing up the hill and I could see Jace. He was talking to the hot woman in the cut-offs. She had a radiant smile as she looked at his face.
She kept touching him on the arm as they talked, and whatever he was saying must have been hilarious because she kept tossing her head back and laughing out loud. Or maybe she was just flirting and liked to toss her long, dark hair. She would be a brunette. It was further proof that I’d just been a fluke because he was drunk and I wasn’t his usual type.
I felt the twinge of jealousy in the pit of my stomach, although I knew in my heart that was just one more sin to add to the trail I was leaving of them lately.
“Hey! I’m talking to you,” I heard Carla say.
“I’m sorry. What did you say?”
She shook her head. “Baby girl, we all fall in love with our first. You won’t ever forget him and you might even be a little bit in love with him forever, but it doesn’t mean he’s the right one for you. He’s super-hot and I’d do him, but, baby girl, you’ve got a conscience like no one else I know. It would eat you alive. Get over him and find a real man that you can be with and not feel bad about, okay?”
I nodded, feeling a lump in my throat. I knew she was right, not that he’s not a “real” man, he is…most definitely. But, I know what she meant. He’s not available and he never will be.
I didn’t really even know him. What I did know wasn’t good. He was worse than a guy who cheats on his wife or girlfriend. He cheated on God. He took vows and he broke them at least once. I should walk away quickly, lesson learned.
I glanced back over to where he and the pretty woman were getting their boat ready to go into the water. If I knew he was so bad for me, then why did my chest fill with want and need every time I looked at him? Hopefully, Carla was right and it’s just because he was my first. That infatuation would have to fade with time…wouldn’t it?
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
JACE
After I made sure the rest of our group all had their canoes and each boat had at least one person in it who knew what they were doing, I put ours into the water and stepped in. Then, I reached out my hand and helped Lily step in.
As I did that my eyes caught Daphne’s. She was watching us. I made sure not to let go so quickly that Lily fell down again, but I didn’t hold onto her too long. I wondered what was going on behind Daphne’s blue eyes. Was she wondering if I slept with Lily, too? I wondered if I cared because I had to be careful, or because I didn’t want Daphne to think I wanted someone else.
“Okay, so do you want to paddle, too, or—” Lily jerked the paddle from my hand with a snort.
“Are you insinuating I’m not capable of paddling? Do you remember summer camp, sophomore year?”
I smiled. I did remember it. That was one of my favorite summers ever. We were sophomores in high school and we’d been dating for about six months at that time. That was a church trip, too. We canoed and hiked and had a campfire every night. It was a great time. It was the first time I told Lily that I loved her, too.
It was kind of a serious topic to get into right then, so trying to lighten the mood I said, “I remember. I remember that I brought two whole bags of marshmallows and you burnt them all to a crisp.”
Laughing at the memory, she said, “That’s the only way to eat a marshmallow! Those white squishy things are disgusting. But when you make them all black and crunchy…mmm, like heaven. They melt in your mouth.”
I rolled my eyes. “I like the puffy white goodness,” I told her.
“Do you remember that little cave we found?”
“Yeah,” I said, softly. “We carved our names into the wall.” She was purposely trying to take me back to the feelings I had for her. I wondered why.
“It was where you first told me you loved me.”
I nodded. “Yeah, I was so nervous about that. I wanted to tell you for weeks, but I was scared to death you would think that I was rushing things and I’d scare you away.”
As I recalled those times, the feelings I had for her seemed to be rushing back. Was that what she was looking for? Obviously, I didn’t still love her, but I could remember the feel and the taste of her lips the first time we kissed…and how badly I wanted to make love to her, even though it went against everything I believed in at that time.
I couldn’t help but wonder how I went from an idealistic young man that was so strong in his faith that he could turn down temptation to the point of losing his girlfriend who also happened to be his best friend…to a priest who had sex with a stranger. And now, looking at Lily, I was wondering what it might be like to have sex with her. Jesus, I’m a mess.
“It didn’t scare me,” she said. “I wanted to hear it, so bad. I already knew I loved you. You were hard to get over, Jace.”
She looked sad, and I got that old familiar rush of feelings I used to get each time I told her that I wouldn’t compromise my beliefs and have sex with her. “I’m sorry, Lily. I truly am. I’m sorry that I hurt you. I was so confused back then. I felt the calling, but I also felt so much for you. It was a daily struggle, trust me.”
She sucked in a deep breath and said, “You know what? Let’s not talk about that today. It’s so pretty out here. Let’s stick to remembering the good times…like that time we went swimming at midnight in the Charles River?”
That one was like a zinger, straight to the libido that was already stretched almost to its limits. I really thought she was doing it on purpose. “Yeah, that was another unforgettable trip. If I recall, one of us went skinny dipping that night.”
“It would have been two of us, if one of us hadn’t been so stubborn.”
I grinned. “It was damned tempting…which was exactly what you were going for.”
She stopped paddling and leaned in close to my face. For a second, I thought she might kiss me. I had to wonder why I was just sitting there, waiting for it. She didn’t kiss me, but she was definitely flirting as she said,
“You’re right; I was like Eve trying to tempt Adam into taking a bite of the apple. I wanted you so badly… I would have done just about anything to get you to make love to me.”
My blood felt like it had been heated to the boiling point. My heart was hammering against the inside wall of my chest. I could feel sweat accumulating across my brow, and things that shouldn’t be rising, were nearing h
alf-mast. I could barely breathe until she finally sat back in her seat and began paddling again.
I wanted to close my eyes and pray. I needed some kind of guidance here, and I needed so much more strength if I was going to keep resisting temptation. I wondered if this was a test. Is the Lord testing my faith? Have I already failed in my carnal thoughts alone?
I had repented over sleeping with Daphne, but my thoughts had remained impure since that night and God knows what those are, even if no one else does. I’d dreamt of Daphne every night, and I thought about her at least twenty times a day. Not even Lily ever had that kind of effect on me.
I glanced around at the people who had come out for the trip. They all looked up to me, they respected me, and they expected me to be who I was supposed to be. They expected me to be pure enough to lead them, but instead, I was leading at least one of them, astray.
Ryan was right about one thing: I always tried to be what others wanted me to be. I always felt like I was failing miserably, too.
My eyes found Daphne. She and her friend were talking and laughing as they paddled. Something about her tugged at me deep in my soul. It wasn’t sex…or at least it wasn’t “just” sex. There was something in her eyes that reminded me of myself. That lost part of my soul that was aching to belong, but suspecting that I never would.
“Hey! Did you hear me?” Lily was looking at me strangely.
“No, I’m sorry. I was going over next Sunday’s sermon in my head.” I’d have to do one about fidelity so that I wasn’t both lying and having sex. Oh hell, I’d already been lying…about having sex. What a freaking mess. “What did you say?” Focus, Jace!
“Just that I missed those times we used to have. I miss my best friend. I haven’t had one since that I was able to talk to and had so much fun with.”
I smiled. “I feel the same way.” That part was true. She was my friend, and we did have a great time together. “The hardest part about losing you was losing that closeness we always just seemed to have right from the beginning.”
She put her hand on my arm in a “friendly” gesture…and then she stroked my skin with her thumb and said, “I’d really like to have some of those good times again.” That touch crossed the line between friendly and flirty.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
DAPHNE
“Who do you think she is?” I couldn’t stop watching Jace with that woman. It was like rubber-necking a wreck on the freeway.
Carla rolled her eyes. “I thought you were going to forget about him.”
“I will…tomorrow. Who do you think she is? Maybe she’s his sister.” I was actually hoping that wasn’t true. That would just be gross.
Carla laughed at that. “Now you’re just trying to fool yourself. Come on, you know she’s not acting at all ‘sisterly.’”
Right. I knew that.
“No, but he’s not acting ‘fatherly,’ either. Look at them, laughing like two kids. She’s still touching him with every other word, too. Jeez, this is a church trip, get a grip!”
“It’s a good thing you look good in green, girl.”
“I’m not jealous.”
“Yes, you are. Let it go, baby girl. You’re going to get hurt.”
“I’m letting it go. I’m just curious about the company my priest is keeping, that’s all.”
“You’re a terrible liar.”
I looked back at Jace. She’s right. I am lying through my teeth. I’m so jealous of the woman with Jace I can hardly see straight.
God, I have to get over him. If he’s seducing women, it’ll come out and there will be a scandal. I don’t want to be a part of that. That’s the last thing I need. I need to put distance between myself and him before that happens… And before my heart explodes because right now, it feels like it’s going to.
“Oh my God! Daph! We’re going to hit the rocks!” Carla screamed at me, and I looked over my shoulder. There was a clump of big rocks that I hadn’t even seen. I’d been too busy mooning over Jace. Is this my punishment? I’m going to die in the Boston Harbor so God can judge me to my face?
I got a grip at last and said, “Quick! Paddle left, Carla!” She started paddling frantically, and so did I. Our screams had drawn the attention of the rest of the canoers and I saw Jace paddling furiously towards us. He’d taken the paddle away from his girl and looked frantic.
“We’re going to hit them!” Carla yelled.
“Let go of your paddles and hang on,” I told her.
“What about you?”
“Just do it!” Carla put her paddle down and grabbed onto the seat with two hands. My plan was to use my paddle to push off against the rocks and keep us from hitting them. It was a decent plan…I thought.
My paddle made contact and for just a second I thought it was going to work…right up until the paddle skimmed across the top of the stone and the boat slammed into the rocks anyways. As I was sailing through the air, I was praying that I’d at least miss the rocks.
Luckily, God was listening. I hit the water with a huge splash. My life jacket made it kind of like hitting a wall, though, and I bobbed and weaved along the surface, getting caught up in the current right away. I heard Carla yelling my name and I heard another splash, but I was too busy trying to find something to grab onto to pay much attention to it. I didn’t know that Jace had jumped in the water after me until I felt his strong arms circle my waist from behind.
“I got you, Daphne. Don’t struggle, okay?” His lips were close to my ear—and believe it or not, even in the midst of the chaos and the chilly water, I was turned on. I had to wonder what kind of spell this man had me under. If he kissed me right there, I wouldn’t protest.
“I’m going to move my legs,” he told me. His breath was warm and it almost felt like he was touching my ear with his lips on purpose. “Move yours with me, okay?”
I couldn’t speak. God, I’m a mess. I want him to kiss me right here…right before we drown. I nodded. He moved his legs, and I moved mine. As they brushed against each other under the water, it reminded me of that night and the way our legs met each time he thrust forward and buried himself inside of me. I shuddered and God help me, I pushed my body back into him a little bit tighter. I loved the way his body felt against mine. I’d been craving it.
It took a while, but we made it to the boats finally. Carla was practically hysterical. “Jeez, you just about gave me a heart attack! What if you had hit those rocks when you flew out? You could have been killed!”
She had tears in her eyes. It took a lot to get Carla that upset. I felt bad. “I’m okay, Carla. I’m sorry I scared you.”
“You’re damned right you scared me!” She realized she’d just cussed in front of a priest and looked at Jace. “Sorry, Father.”
He smiled. “It’s okay; you’re entitled to be worried about your friend.”
“Are you okay, Jace?” the woman in his boat spoke up. I’d almost forgotten about her.
“I’m good, Lily.”
“Can I help you in?” She just wanted to touch him again. I don’t like her.
“You know what? Since Daphne and I are both soaking wet, we should just take the same boat. The water will pool up in the bottom and there’s no sense in the two of you getting all wet, too. I’m not certain how many sets of extra clothes the volunteers collected to bring.”
I looked at Carla. She was trying to suppress a smile. I gave her a warning look. Then, I looked at the woman in Jace’s boat. She wasn’t smiling. That made me smile. I’m a terrible person. She was thinking Jace wanted to be with me. I was hoping for the same.
“That sounds like a smart idea,” Carla said. She stood up and while Jace held onto the other boat, she stepped into it.
He looked at his “friend” then and said, “We’ll see you ladies on the other side.”
She smiled, but it looked forced. Carla started paddling. She was still grinning. For a girl who told me I should give up on the priest, she sure was happy to give us room to be together
. Jace helped me up into the canoe and then I grabbed his arm and helped pull him in, as well.
For a few seconds, we just sat there looking at each other. Finally I said, “Thank you for saving me.” My teeth were chattering together. I was cold, but I was also nervous.
Jace grinned. “You’re welcome. I’m sure you would have been okay. It’s hard to move around in these life jackets sometimes, but they’ll keep you bobbing down the harbor all day.”
“I appreciate it anyways,” I said, picking up the oars. “I didn’t really want to bob down the harbor all day.” He was giving me a strange look. I realized he was looking at the oars in my hands.
“I don’t think so.” He was grinning.
“You don’t think so, what?” He didn’t want me to row the boat. Man, you make one mistake...
“I’ll row, thanks. Not that I don’t trust you…”
I laughed. “Seriously?” He didn’t answer me with words. Instead, he reached over and plucked the oars out of my hands with a grin and began to row.
After a bit, just to break the awkward silence I said, “I’m sorry you got all soaking wet.”
“It’s really okay, Daphne. The church has a big wicker basket full of donated clothes that they told me we take to all of our functions, just in case. We can grab some of those and hang these up to dry while we have lunch. It’ll be fine.”
I was right on the verge of asking him about his friend. Thankfully, I caught myself. That would have been way too familiar. We had a one-night stand that really, really, never should have happened. I have to stop this and get him out of my head.
I shivered again as I watched him rowing the boat in his wet t-shirt and jeans. The t-shirt clung to his chest and abs, and his biceps flexed and tensed as he rowed us to shore and I was reminded of the way they’d tensed and flexed when he held himself up over me and…
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
JACE
“Jace!” Lily was waving at me from shore as we rowed in. Daphne’s friend Carla was standing next to her and looking at Lily like she was crazy. Lily was waving like she hadn’t seen me in weeks. It had literally only been minutes. I guessed that’s why she was getting the look from Carla.
