by Holly Bourne
“Amelie, that’s insane. I can’t imagine how hard you must’ve found that. I’m so, so proud.”
I didn’t want to let go of the hug. Every word he said was like medicine to me. He got it, he just got it.
Then the mac-and-cheese was ready, and we all sat with Jessa’s parents to eat it – laughing and reminiscing about the good old times, my smile hurting because it was so out of use. Jessa and I retired to her room to get ready. I dumped my bag on the camp bed she’d set up and dug around for a change of clothes.
“Vintage dress and a granny cardigan?” she asked, as I pulled just that out of the rucksack. “Man, you’ve changed.”
“Shut it, you.” I chucked my cardigan at her.
I took time with my appearance because I wanted to look nice for Alfie, because I was a horribly confused person. I couldn’t help it. I fought Jessa for mirror space and actually bothered to put on a bit of mascara. Jessa asked some questions about down south but I deflected them. I couldn’t tell her about Reese. Not before Alfie. It wasn’t fair. Anyways, she was more than happy just to fill me in on all the gossip I’d missed. She was definitely over Pippa, for certain this time. Harry and Charlotte at school had split up, and I gasped because they’d been together for ever. Ralph from the band we were watching that night was a mess because he’d found out his girlfriend had cheated. “We’re hoping he can hold it together.” Sixth form was going well but they missed me of course. “None of us as much as Alfie though,” she added, quietly.
“He’s…he’s been missing me?”
She turned away from applying eyeliner in the mirror. “Amelie, he’s been a bit of a mess, to be honest.”
“He has?”
“Yeah. He’s been weird and miserable since you left. Spends all his time in the Science labs. I hope you didn’t mind me bringing him along. I told him you wouldn’t.”
“I don’t. I’m glad.” I felt the familiar sting of lurking tears. “Oh, Jessa, I’ve been so stu—”
My phone buzzed.
Reese: So, what’s your plan for tonight, Little Miss Up North? I miss you xxxx
It was the first time he’d messaged me first in ages! And he said he missed me! And he’d put kisses on the end!
“Everything okay?” Jessa asked, as I sighed into my phone.
I smiled up at her. “Yeah, fine. Just a message from someone down there. Hang on.” I twisted, to block her from seeing my screen. I wondered if I should wait a while before replying. I mean, it was rare for Reese to message me first.
I should try and hold on to the power a bit more. Make him wait for it. I couldn’t do it though. I tapped out a reply straight away.
Amelie: I miss you too. Going to Leadmill tonight for a friend’s gig, remember? It’s so nice to be back. What you up to tonight? Xxx
A knock on the door. Alfie’s voice. “Are you done yet? Your mum’s talking about the horrors of your childbirth again.”
Jessa groaned, leaning over to open the door. “She will NEVER forgive me for that forceps delivery.”
I clutched my phone to my chest, just in case he could read my screen from two metres away. He’d changed into his usual gig attire: black jeans with a black T-shirt. It struck me how very different he was from Reese – with his hat, and carefully curated outfits, the way he held himself like he believed he should be allowed even more space, whereas Alfie always folded himself away.
“You look nice, Amelie.” I blushed, and Guilt jumped back out from her hiding place.
“Thank you.”
Jessa, sensing the tension, stood up and chucked a collection of make-up into her bag. “Come on, lads. We need to meet the others.”
I checked my phone as we were leaving, and I checked it on the bus. Everyone was so excited and happy to see me when we stepped off.
“GRANNY CARDIGAN IS BACK WHERE SHE BELONGS!” Kimmy yelled. I was enveloped in a group hug, which felt just wonderful, but also went on a bit long considering how much I wanted to check my phone.
WTF Confusion was back. I could see that Reese had read the message but there was no reply. The euphoria I had initially felt at receiving it was draining away fast, replaced with anxiety about why he hadn’t replied. Maybe I’d been too keen? Why didn’t I wait longer before I replied? I’d been needy again. He wasn’t going to miss me, now that I’d reminded him of how desperate I was. Why couldn’t I be cooler? Also, what about Alfie?
“Earth to Granny Cardigan!” Kimmy yelled. “We need to get in before seven if we don’t want to pay entrance. Ralph said they’ve put our names on the door.”
I shook my head to jog myself out of my spiral, and tried to focus on enjoying the present moment. I was back with my friends, people who truly loved me for who I was. We walked in a line past the Hallam campus, taking the piss out of each other, mainly Alfie, as was our custom. I kept my distance from him, feeling weird and scared about our upcoming conversation, trying to figure out how to tell him. I was running through possible lines that might lessen the emotional blow.
“I wasn’t expecting it, it just happened.”
“I do still love you, I always will…” No, that one wasn’t fair.
“Please forgive me.”
“I’m so, so sorry.”
“I think, if you’d met him, you’d like him.” And that one was a lie.
There was a small queue outside the Leadmill when we arrived, but we knew the guy on the door – Jonesy.
“Amelie!” he exclaimed, spotting me. “I’ve not seen you around here for ages.”
My tummy bubbled at being recognized and missed. “I’ve moved down south,” I explained. “I’m only back for one night, to watch the guys.”
“No way! That sucks. We have a folk night next month, and I was totally going to book you.”
I held out my hand for him to stamp. “Maybe I can come back up for it?” I suggested.
“Yeah, great idea!”
I turned to Jessa. “I could stay at yours again, right?”
She pulled a Well, duh face. “Of course you can. You need to visit MORE, I reckon. You’ve left it too long, it’s made things weird.”
I thought about how right she was, as we stepped into the club. I was up here and I felt better and more me and I should come back more. It was good for me. I started to imagine my life. How it would feel if I came up at least once a month. A happier existence began to stretch out in front of me – filled with good memories, waiting to be made.
But, of course, after that night, I wasn’t welcome at Jessa’s any more.
Nightclubs in daylight are a funny thing. It’s almost like they shouldn’t exist. They should appear only when night falls, like some kind of magical circus. In this spring sunshine, it’s hard to picture what the Leadmill’s like after the daytime dims. It’s hard to really imagine the shivering clusters of people queuing to get in, the music throbbing through the soles of your shoes, the giddy, fiesta feel of the smoking area. Today there are remnants of the night before everywhere – a puddle of sick dried on the pavement, smatterings of cigarette butts that haven’t been swept up yet, the odd, discarded half-drunk bottle of beer that someone didn’t quite finish before they got in. But even with all that, standing here, looking up at it right now, I can’t match this quiet building with the humming club it becomes each evening.
There’s nowhere to sit, so I stand – my arms wrapped around me to keep in my emotions. I managed to scrape myself off the shower floor and wrap myself in enough cardigan to stand the Sheffield wind, and then I walked straight here.
I’m not sure I can do this.
I’m not sure I can remember this particular night.
But something is telling me I need to.
The Leadmill was exactly how I remembered it, as I checked in my coat and scarf and stepped out onto the sticky dance floor. Even with it decked out for Christmas, fake trees hanging upside-down from the ceiling, it felt familiar. It even smelled the same. That stale, almost-sicky smell when a club hasn�
�t warmed itself up yet with the heat and stench of dancing bodies.
Jessa clapped me on the back.
“Still the same?” she asked, reading my mind.
I twisted around to smile at her. “Yes, thank god.”
She, Alfie and I went to the bar to order some lemonades, while Kimmy and the others went to chat to some sixth-formers. The bad thing about being known on the circuit was that everyone knew we were underage. So we never got served, and we always got chucked out at ten thirty. Every two minutes I was encased in a hug by an old acquaintance, shouting “HOW IS IT DOWN SOUTH?” and saying they’d missed me. It was lovely to see everyone but it was distracting me from the very pressing matter of summoning the courage to talk properly to Alfie. The dance floor slowly clogged up as people took up their spots to get a good view. Ralph’s band were pretty popular in Sheffield, though they hadn’t been able to break out to other cities yet.
I felt Alfie’s hand on my shoulder.
“Shall we go to our regular spot?” he asked me. “Why break with tradition?”
He steered us to the right-hand side of the stage, halfway back. Alfie had used actual physics one day to explain to me how sound travelled, and that therefore this was the best place to stand. Since then, every gig we’d been to, we’d manoeuvre ourselves there and feel smug about our superior knowledge of acoustics. People started jamming in behind us, trying to push us forward with the weight of their bodies, but we stood firm, occasionally letting some people in front. Someone bumped me, shoving me back into Alfie, and he grabbed hold of my shoulder to steady me.
“Watch it!” he yelled at the pusher-inner, who ignored him. Alfie turned to me, his hand still on my shoulder. He blushed. “Sorry,” he added.
“It’s fine. Thank you.”
We stared at one another, his hand not leaving my shoulder, my shoulder not wanting his hand to leave.
“We need to talk,” I spluttered out. “At some point tonight, it would be good to talk.”
Alfie smiled. “Yeah, of course. I was going to say the same thing.” His smile grew, his eyes glowed with happiness, confirming my suspicion that he thought this would be a happy conversation. Once again, my body had no idea how to react. Just the thought that it wasn’t over for him wobbled my love for Reese. Or maybe it just reignited my love for Alfie. I guess one of the biggest misconceptions about love is that you can only love one person at one time. Whereas I’m starting to think hearts can compartmentalize. That a heart can grow walls in itself, with chambers specially reserved for each person we fall in love with – making it possible to have feelings for one person without that impacting the feelings you have for another.
I didn’t know what to do. I felt like time had slowed, giving me extra time to figure out how I felt. I was going to break Alfie’s heart that night when I told him about Reese and how I’d broken our deal, and yet I really, really didn’t want to. I didn’t want to shatter the wall he’d built for me in his heart. The thought of Alfie knowing…of me taking out scissors and severing us from each other… Every instinct in my body told me it was the wrong thing to do.
We were plunged into darkness and the crowd started clapping before I had a chance to figure it out. Jessa, to my side, turned around and said, “They’re on.” I clapped and put my hands around my mouth to whoop.
Ralph, the apparently heartbroken lead singer, said, “A-one, a-two, a-one, two, three, GO!” and the stage was blasted with light as they opened on their most famous song “On A Lazy Afternoon”. Everyone went nuts. Well, as nuts as a crowd full of folk fans can go. I found my head nodding to the music, enjoying how tight they were, the depth of their sound, the gravelly quality of Ralph’s voice. They bled smoothly into the next song. Their set list was on point, they’d really honed it since I’d last seen them. I knew a few of the lyrics and I sang along, my face stretched into a smile, the music momentarily distracting me from the drama of my own life. If Ralph was upset, he wasn’t letting it ruin his performance. I felt Alfie reposition himself behind me, then I felt his hands tentatively weave themselves either side of my waist. I closed my eyes, savouring how it felt. Not stopping it, though I knew it was wrong. He rested his chin on my shoulder – how we always used to stand at gigs. It dug into my skin as he sang along too and I stood there and let it happen because I’m a bad person who truly deserves everything that happened next.
After six straight songs, Ralph took the mike off the stand, and signalled for the lights to go up.
“Now, we’re about to do one of our favourites,” he said. “‘Hounds of Love’.”
We all cheered, because their cover of that was truly perfect. I’d sung it with them so many times, walking home after a night out.
“Now, we actually want to do something a bit different tonight. A very dear friend is back with us this evening…” I realized at once they must mean me. And, yep, Ralph scanned the crowd with both hands above his eyes, found me, and winked. “Can we please bring the brilliant Amelie onto the stage.”
I started shaking my head.
“She’s shy, but she’s brilliant. Come on, everyone, clap her into it.”
Applause started. Jessa turned around again, grinning manically. “HA HA – SURPRISE!” she said.
“You cow!”
“If I’d told you, you’d just have got stage fright and ruined your trip. Go on, up you go.”
The clapping got louder. I started to feel a little bit ill, but, I’ll tell you what, my nerves weren’t as shot as usual. I think they were used to being wrung by then, by the complicated and uncertain business of being in love with Reese.
I twisted in Alfie’s arms. “Did you know about this?” I asked him.
He shook his head. “No. You know I would’ve told you.” He raised both eyebrows. “Up you go.”
My feet moved for me. I mouthed “You’re dead” at Ralph as he helped me onstage and hugged me hello. “Come on, it will be a laugh,” he said into my ear. “Anyway, you sing it better than me. You always have.”
Everyone cheered louder as I was handed the mike and given a stool to perch on. And, you know what? In that moment, I wasn’t nervous at all. I was staring out at a home crowd. I saw so many faces of people I knew, who cared about me, who understood me. Memories of all the gigs I’d done here before, in all the different growing-up incarnations of myself. My Sheffield friends knew me only as Amelie, the girl they’d watched grow as they grew too. Everything I said or did was filtered through thousands of shared past experiences, instead of down south, where nobody knew me, and my life felt like an audition I was failing.
I smiled, I heard the intro, I opened my mouth and I began to sing.
How I loved that song, especially the way Ralph had arranged it. It’s all about being scared to love someone, the fear that it will rip you apart like a pack of dogs. I felt so free and full as I sang to my old friends, in my old haunt – like the last four months hadn’t happened and I was still just simple Amelie, living her quiet little life in Sheffield, dreaming of one day being able to sing every day. On the last verse, Ralph joined in, harmonizing, and then, without needing to discuss it, we made eye contact, nodded, and both held out our mikes to let the crowd finish the last bit. Everyone joined in seamlessly, shouting along, making my tummy feel wonder at the existence of other good humans. I scanned the crowd and I found Jessa giving me a thumbs up. I found Alfie. His eyes were moist as we acknowledged each other and my smile grew wider. I put the mike back to my mouth to finish the final two lines in falsetto, still looking out at everyone and…
And…
And… …
There.
There you were, Reese.
Standing at the back of the crowd, the sorest of sore thumbs. Not where you were supposed to be – back in my new life, not replying to my message – but here, in the Leadmill, your hat jaunted at an angle, a smug grin on your face as you saw me notice you and I jolted with shock.
You were here.
Here.
<
br /> You had come.
The song finished. The applause was bountiful. Ralph held up my arm and made me fist-pump the air, while I stared out in stunned wonder.
Reese.
Reese was here.
In Sheffield?
My brain just kept hitting the reject button, unable to comprehend this complete unlikelihood. Ralph sped into their last song as I was lowered back onto the dance floor. I walked towards Reese and it felt like the sea was parting. I passed Jessa and Alfie, who had no idea that he’d arrived, or even that he existed. They both beamed at me. Alfie’s hand was held up, ready for a high five. I put my finger up, signalling One moment – though, honestly, I did not have any plan in my head about how to handle this situation in a way that didn’t scatter mess over everyone, and everything, but mostly myself. Alfie tilted his head in confusion and I gently pushed past him.
Reese just stood there – waiting, smiling, not coming towards me – letting me chase him for the final section of the journey. I shook my head in disbelief when I reached him.
“What are you doing here…?”
He broke me off by pulling me in for a kiss – the sort of kiss there’s no getting out of. There was no time left to work out the best way to tell Alfie, or the others, or to try and make this not the mess it was about to become. All I could do was surrender to his mouth, and try and make myself feel happy that he’d come all this way, despite the fact Alfie must be watching. He cupped my face in his hand and broke off to grin at me with all his teeth.
“God, I love you,” he said, before returning his lips to mine. And I was sucked back into our vortex. He came all the way here to see me! He MUST love me. How could I ever doubt him?
“Amelie? What the hell is going on?”
Alfie was at our side, the very picture of pain. Without missing a trick, Reese held out his hand, like we were all grown-ups at a business meeting. “Hi,” he shouted over the music, “you must be Alfie. I’m Reese, Amelie’s boyfriend from back home.”
