I end up at the bar with a woman celebrating her thirtieth birthday. She’s giving me serious fuck-me vibes. I’m considering another go in the storage room when Jimmy interrupts our conversation.
“The manager needs to see you in the back,” he says. “Sorry, darling.” He motions to Greg, the bartender. “Drinks on the house.” He points to her glass. Greg nods as he lines up four shot glasses.
“Maybe I’ll see you next week,” I tell the birthday girl. I stand and kiss her cheek.
“Yeah, for sure!” She’s beaming as I walk away. I gotta tell you, the rush I have just knowing she wants me. It’s addictive and so different than the way Sylvie felt about her job.
Women strip out of necessity; men do it for fun. I’m sure some women find pleasure in taking their clothes off money. I think they approach this career from another point of view. The guys at Trance work here because they like the way it makes them feel. Sylvie couldn’t get off that stage fast enough.
I follow Jimmy to his office. He sits down and tells me to close the door.
“Everything good, Jim?” I worry that he found out about Kari and me in the closet. Any sex act that takes place inside of the club is considered prostitution whether money exchanges hands or not. This doesn’t stop it from happening, but it could get me fired.
Jimmy cracks his knuckles and looks up at me, all serious. “We have a VIP here tonight, and she requested a private dance with you.”
This is why he’s tense.
“I told her you don’t do privates.”
My confidence is at one hundred right now. I’m sure I could wing, but honestly, I’m scared. I don’t know the rules. What is legal, what isn’t. It’s a lot of unnecessary stress.
“I felt like I should at least tell you her offer,” he says. “It’s a lot of money.”
My moral compass is pegged. “How much money?”
“Five hundred.”
Damn. That’s enough to make me drop my compass in the fucking toilet and flush. I give him a look like maybe I might do this. Fuck, am I saying I’ll do it? I’ve already made a little over four hundred; the private dance would put me at almost a grand for my first night.
Jimmy scratches his bald head. “There’s just one slight problem.”
My head falls back in frustration. “Of course, there is.”
“She’s one of Gio’s regulars.”
I love Giovanni, but I love Lulu more. “What did Gio say?”
“He said it’s up to you,” Jimmy sighs. “I don’t like drama, so if you think Gio’s gonna have issues with this, I’d advise you to pass.”
I know Giovanni. He would never admit he cared about me poaching one of his regulars. He has too much pride.
“I’ll pass.”
Jimmy nods. “You’re a good man, Sway.” He stands and shakes my hand. “Next week, I’ll give you two solos.”
“Thanks, Jim. I appreciate it.”
As we walk out of his office, he asks me about Lulu.
“Your daughter is four, right?”
“Yeah, she’ll be five in a few weeks.”
“Can she ride a bike?” Jimmy stops and picks up an empty water bottle.
“No, not yet.” I don’t tell him she doesn’t have a bike because I can’t afford to buy her one.
Jim nods and tosses the water bottle in the trash.
“You have a good babysitter?”
I think of Sylvie. She’s the only person I trust with my daughter. “The best.”
Jim stops before we walk into the main room.
“She’s okay with the hours and everything.”
“Yep.”
“Good, because I’d hate to lose you.” Jim pats my shoulder one time, then goes back to his office.
This is the first time a boss has ever said that to me, on my first day no less. I think I found my calling.
Lulu is walking ahead of me on the street. She knows to drop back when the sidewalk gets crowded. People look at me like I’m crazy to let a five-year-old walk down Valencia Street on her own. It’s healthy for Lulu to feel independent. She isn’t one of those kids that hides behind her parent’s leg when someone says hi. Lulu is polite, she says please and thank you, and even orders her own food in restaurants.
Plus, she’s wearing bright pink rain boots and a Ninja Turtle backpack—she’s easy to spot. I splurged on her birthday. It was the first time I’ve had the money to buy her whatever she wanted. We threw a little party. The guys stopped by with presents, and Jimmy gave her a bike. She hasn’t ridden it yet, not until I get her a helmet. I’m all about safety when it comes to my kid. I don’t care how corny that sounds.
When we get to Mitchell’s, I lift her up so she can see the ice cream barrels behind the glass.
“You can get anything you want.” There was a time I couldn’t even afford toilet paper, let alone a luxury like ice cream.
Her eyes dance at the possibilities. “Anything?”
“Anything, baby.”
The woman behind the glass smiles as Lulu contemplates her options.
“Is there coffee in mocha almond fudge?” she questions.
The woman laughs.
“Daddy says kids can’t have coffee,” Lulu explains.
“But he did say you could have anything you want.” The woman winks at me.
Usually, a woman in her mid-thirties throwing me a friendly wink wouldn’t be a big deal. Since I started dancing, every female I encounter seems to have a secret agenda. That goes for inside the club and out.
“She’s right, Lulu. Choose whatever flavor you want.”
I pull out my wallet and pluck a ten from the stack. I wonder what I did to earn this bill. Was it an innocent tip for carrying a woman’s drink back to her table, or something involving whipped cream on stage?
I can’t tell since I started exchanging my dirty money at the check cashing place. For a small fee, Money Fast will swap baby oil covered dollars for clean bills. Bank employees aren’t as eager to touch money that may have been stuck to my sweaty balls.
I give the woman the ten, feeling confident about the bill’s cleanliness. When she hands back my change, her fingers brush my palm.
“You don’t see anything you want?” She eye fucks me.
I pluck a napkin from the dispenser and shove it in my pocket. “No, I’m on a diet.”
There’s something about women flirting with me in front of my daughter that pisses me off. It’s disrespectful to look at me like you want to lick ice cream off my stomach while I’m holding hands with my little girl. This is a constant complaint I share with Sylvie. She just laughs and says welcome to my world. Women have been dealing with disrespectful pricks for centuries. Hell, I might even be guilty of it myself. How many times have I watched Sylvie breastfeed Reese and wish it was my lips wrapped around her nipple? That hasn’t happened in a long time, at least two months. We’re so in the friend’s zone I don’t even find her that attractive anymore.
On the walk home, Sylvie sends me a text. She’s in Dolores Park with Reese and wants us to join them.
“Want to meet Sylvie at the park?” The question is rhetorical. Lulu loves Sylvie.
“Yes!” She cheers and picks up her pace.
I met Sylvie about a year after Leeyan left. Lulu was just starting shitting in a toilet, and I had a great job at UPS. I was starting to get my groove back. Giovanni deemed it time for me to get back in the ocean, so he took me to a strip club. Not the best place to meet women or so I thought. Sylvie was headlining that night, and she blew my mind. Giovanni knew her from working the club scene; he introduced us after the show. We hit it off immediately.
By hitting it off, I mean I hit that the first night. I wasn’t ready for anything other than sex. I don’t think Sylvie was either, at least not with me. We had some good times; then she ghosted me. Maybe I ghosted her. The details are fuzzy now. One day we were hooking up, and then she changed her status on Facebook to 'in a relationship', and I moved to the friend zone.
We walk into the park and I spot Sylvie pushing Reese in a baby swing. She’s wearing a white lace top over a pair of black leggings and cowboy boots. I hate that I think this—but her bohemian mom vibe is sexy as hell.
Okay, she’s sort of attractive.
Even though I check out her tits every now and then, it doesn’t mean I want to hook up with her. We had our fun, and now it’s over. We’re friends with no benefits whatsoever.
Lulu runs down the hill and crashes into Sylvie’s legs. Her face lights up as she lifts my daughter into her arms.
Lulu has short wavy hair, like mine, and Leeyan’s fair skin and brown eyes. But as far as the people watching know, Sylvie could be Lulu’s mother.
Lulu rarely talks about Leeyan anymore. There was a time when she asked a thousand questions a day. She mainly wanted to know where she was and why she didn’t live with us. I explained that Leeyan’s job is in another part of the world. She’s stationed in Germany. She could’ve taken a job in the states, but that isn’t her style. If Leeyan does something, she does it all the way.
“Hey, Sylvie.” I kiss her cheek as she pulls Reese out of the swing. He’s a quiet baby. He rarely cries or complains, mainly because he’s always eating. Reese just turned eight months old and weighs more now than Lulu did at two.
“What’s up, big guy?” I hold his hand and give him a baby high-five.
“Looks like you had ice cream.” Sylvie balances Reese on her hip as she pulls a baby wipe from her bag.
“Daddy let me have anything I want,” Lulu shares. “I got mocha almond fudge.”
“Hey, that’s my favorite!”
“I know,” Lulu giggles as Sylvie cleans her face.
Lulu loves Sylvie too much for me to fuck this up. Whenever evil thoughts creep in my head about Sylvie and me and sex, I just think of my daughter. Works like a charm.
Sylvie puts Reese in the stroller, and we walk along the path, watching Lulu run from structure to structure.
“So, how much money have you saved?” Sylvie’s tone is slightly condescending. She knows I’ve splurged a little.
“I needed those headshots and the business cards,” I clarify, again. “And Lulu wanted the boots. I didn’t want to say no. I’ve had to tell her no too many times. It felt good to say yes.”
“I get it; believe me, I do.”
“I feel a but coming.” Usually, I’d add a sexual innuendo, but I skip it this time.
“But, make sure you stay focused on the end game. You said you would dance for six months then reevaluate.”
“That’s still my plan.”
ELI requires a deposit to hold your kid’s spot, but they waived it when I told them Lulu’s mom was in the army. Leeyan’s abandonment is benefiting us even if she doesn’t know it.
Between headshots, rent, and food, I haven’t saved much. I still have two months before the registration deadline. Now that Rico has me in his portfolio, I can book private events. Hopefully, that will bring in more money.
“Have you ever thought about asking Leeyan for help?” Sylvie knows that is a sore subject, which is why she changes to her sweet voice. “She is Lulu’s mother.”
“No,” I sneer. “I’d rather work the private rooms on gay night than ask her for a dime.”
I’ve been dancing for six weeks, and I still haven’t worked up the courage to do a private. I’ve developed a small following at the club. Women are starting to know my name. I could make a lot more money if I did privates, but something is holding me back. The thought of rubbing my dick on a woman I don’t know freaks me out. I’ve had my share of lap dances, most from Sylvie. Even though she did it for money, you feel something. Desire or disgust. There are feelings involved. I don’t want to mess with feelings right now. What is the women in unattractive or old? I can’t do a private dance for someone’s grandma.
Sylvie sits on an empty bench and pulls a blanket over a now sleeping Reese. “When was the last time Lulu spoke to her?”
“Not since my computer died. It was a lot easier for Leeyan to Skype than call,” I explain.
“So, she just doesn’t try?” Sylvie looks at me in disbelief. She’s a good mom, one that would never leave her kid. She doesn’t understand how Leeyan could just walk away.
Neither do I.
“With my schedule and the time change, it hasn’t worked out.” The truth is, I haven’t heard from Leeyan in months. That isn’t because of me. Her name hasn’t popped up in my inbox since Christmas.
“You should make time.” Sylvie waves at Lulu before she disappears into the tunnel slide. We watch her reappear at the bottom with a huge grin on her face.
It isn’t like Lulu is missing something in her life. She’s a happy kid. Leeyan makes everything complicated.
“She hasn’t asked about her ever since you.” I stop when Sylvie looks at me. Her eyes are sad like I’m saying something she doesn’t want to hear.
“Lulu likes you.”
“I know. I love her so much.” She pats my hand and looks up at me. There’s something in her voice. Sadness. Regret. I want to hit stop on this conversation and switch channels.
“But I’m not her mom, Theo. Leeyan is going to come back one day. Lulu needs to know her real mother.”
The way she says real hurts my chest. Like she’s a fake mother to Lulu. Sylvie is the only woman in her life. The only “mom” she’s ever known.
I never think about Leeyan’s return; what it means for Lulu and me. Will she move back into our apartment? Will she want to? We didn’t break up. She just left, and I stayed here to raise our daughter. Does she still love me? Do I love her?
“I don’t want to blur things between us. I like what we have right now.” She slowly pulls her hand from mine and checks on Reese.
“Friends can’t hold hands?” I say and realize it sounds like I’m flirting. Am I?
“No, they can’t.”
I don’t push, and she doesn’t bend, so I let it go. We need each other in a way nobody else can provide. She’s the only woman in my life, and I’m the only stable man in hers. Neither one of us can afford to fuck this up.
“What would you do if Leeyan showed up tomorrow?” I feel her looking at me. Waiting to judge my reaction. “You still love her, don’t you?”
I haven’t thought about love and Leeyan in the same sentence for years.
“No,” I say instinctively. “I don’t know.”
“Which one is it? You don’t love her or…”
“I’m not sure how I feel or what I’d do if she came back. Technically, it’s still her apartment.”
I’m full of shit. I know exactly how I feel about Leeyan. I loved her so much that I hate her.
We were that couple. The one that fought and made up six times a night. I lived in this crappy house in the Sunset District when we met. There were four of us officially, but so many people crashed there it was hard to keep up. My room was in the basement. It had no windows or heat, but I had my own bathroom. I painted a huge calendar on the wall, a countdown to the day she left for boot camp. It was tragically romantic. Having an expiration date on our relationship didn’t stop us from fighting, breaking up, even cheating.
There was a girl she dated before me. They still hooked up after we started going out. Leeyan didn’t think I knew, but I saw pictures of them together. It was easier to pretend I believed the lie when she told me they were hanging out at Gwen’s binge watching Orange is the New Black on Netflix. Yeah, sure.
We were on borrowed time. She was going off to war, possibly. Who was I to stop her from enjoying her last months of freedom? It was my choice. She never asked me to be faithful, and I never assumed she would be. We played this game until Leeyan found out she was pregnant. That day changed both of our lives.
“Why are you asking about Leeyan?”
Sylvie turns away. I watch her scan for Lulu.
“I spoke to Aaron last night.” She fidgets with a string on the end of her shirt. Fidgeting is Sylvie�
��s tell. She does it when she’s nervous or embarrassed. “He asked to see Reese this weekend.”
I don’t let Sylvie know how much I despise Aaron because I don’t want her to feel like she can’t talk to me. I keep my opinions to myself, most of the time.
“That’s cool, I guess.” I shrug. “Did you make plans to meet up?”
“Sort of. I told him I was babysitting and he asked if he could come by your place. I just want to make sure it’s okay with you.” The last thing I want is that fuckwad in my house. “I’d feel more comfortable seeing him at your place,” Sylvie admits. “It would mean a lot to me.”
She rubs her hand on my knee. I know she’s working me, I don’t care. I want to say yes because saying yes feels better than saying no.
“It’s cool.”
“Thank you, Theo.” She sits back and removes her hand. “Even if Aaron and I aren’t together anymore, he’ll always be in my life because of Reese.”
So this is what sparked the Leeyan conversation.
I watch Lulu climb the structure like a little monkey. I wonder how different her life would be if Leeyan were here. Would she be happier? Or would her world get turned upside down; the way mine did when I was a kid, and my old man would pop up out of the blue.
“It’s getting cold; we should go.” Sylvie stands and checks on Reese. The wind kicks up, and her loose blouse flattens against the curves. “Are you checking me out?”
Yes.
“No,” I huff and look away.
She lifts the lock on the stroller with her foot. “You had your chance, and you blew it.”
I’m kind of surprised she’s bringing up our thing. Mainly because it wasn’t a thing.
“There was nothing to blow.” I smile at her the way I do when I’m flirting with a mark on stage.
“There was plenty to blow, Sway.” She says my name with a lot of attitude.
I laugh at her sexual innuendo. “It was bad timing.”
“I thought the timing was perfect,” she says softly. “Until it wasn’t.” She pushes the stroller along the sandy path and yells for Lulu.
My daughter runs over and takes Sylvie’s hand. She looks back and reaches for me. “Come on, Daddy.”
Got Mine (Men of Trance Book 1) Page 4
