Deeper Than Need: A Secrets & Shadows Novel

by Shiloh Walker

  “Knowing you?” A grimace twisted Noah’s face. “I’d say you weren’t. At some point in your life, Adam, you got to jerk your brain out of your pants and start growing up.”

  Coming from almost anybody else, that might have pissed Adam off. Coming from Noah? It was just a fact. They’d both walked the same road, and after last night Adam suspected Noah wasn’t wrong.

  Layla, for fuck’s sake. The woman would eat her own young if she thought it would make her happy. Instead, she just abandoned her own young, because having the boy was inconvenient.

  “Yeah.” Adam nodded and reached for the coffee that Noah had ordered for him. It had cooled down, but it didn’t matter. Hot, cold, the coffee here was borderline tolerable at best. “I had one of those nights, you know? Haven’t been sleeping well and by the time I got out of there…” He shrugged. “It was a bad night.”

  “Yeah. I can sympathize.”

  The note in Noah’s voice caught Adam’s attention. “Hell. I’m being an ass. Talking about the bad night I had. I heard about what happened.” The messy knot of shame inside him expanded, and if he could have kicked his own ass he would have. “Are you okay?”

  Noah’s eyes were clear, but the shadows around them told a story. The other man hadn’t gotten much sleep, either.

  “Oh, I’m just peachy,” Noah muttered, leaning forward and folding his hands around his coffee cup.

  “You think it’s Lana.”

  Noah flicked a look at him. “Right now, I’m trying not to think anything.” Then he closed his eyes. “Hell. That’s a lie. Yeah. Part of me thinks it’s her. If not her … then David. Somehow, whoever we found down there had something to do with what happened that night. I know it.”

  “No.” Adam shook his head. “You don’t. You want there to be some sort of connection, because you need it. You never stopped looking for closure, and it makes sense. But you don’t know it.”

  Noah lifted his head and pinned Adam with a hard, flat stare. His eyes glittered like broken glass. “Yes. I do. I feel it.”

  Uncertain of how to address that, Adam decided not to. Hard to tell the man not to build his hopes up when Adam felt the same way, really. Grabbing six sugar packets from the bowl, he ripped them open and dumped the contents into his coffee. The diner served the strongest coffee in town, the strongest—and the worst. He suspected it could eat the liner from your stomach.

  Noah eyed him as he added some creamer. “I don’t know how you can drink it that way.”

  “It’s this way or not at all.” Adam took another drink and decided he could almost handle it now. “Listen … I know how much you want answers. Lots of other people are looking for them, too, but nobody needs them as much as you do, except for Lana’s dad. Speaking of which…” He blew out a breath. “Has anybody told Jimmy yet?”

  “I’m going out there today.” Noah shifted his focus to the window and stared outside. “I called the nursing home and asked them if they could maybe hold the paper until I got up there. Jimmy doesn’t much leave his room anymore. I didn’t want him reading about it until I had a chance to talk to him.”

  Adam nodded. “Probably for the best. You want company?”

  “No.” He traced one of the silvery veins in the old Formica tabletop. “It will be better if it’s just me right now. Besides, Jeb is going to have a fit if anybody says anything to him anyway. Jimmy will be on the phone the minute I leave and we both know it. If it’s just me, Jeb will rant for a little while and then he’ll be done. If you’re out there, well, he uses any excuse he can to give you grief, so if you’re not there…” Noah shrugged.

  Adam chuckled. “He’s still holding a grudge.”

  “You had sex with his wife.”

  “They were separated.”

  “You had sex with his wife on the back of his squad car. In broad daylight.”

  “Well, in my defense, the car was parked behind his house. Not my fault somebody came nosing around back there.” He shrugged. “But yeah. I definitely did have sex with his wife on the back of his squad car. Maybe if the bastard had given her any attention at all, she wouldn’t have been so desperate to look for it elsewhere.”

  “You realize that’s not an excuse to sleep with a married woman.”

  “I don’t need an excuse.” He eyed Noah without blinking. The two of them had a lot in common. Both of them were alcoholics, both sober for quite a while, although Adam had been dry a little bit longer than Noah.

  At twenty-five, Adam had been the one behind the wheel when a semitruck slammed into the car he’d been driving. That night, that one night … he’d been sober. He’d lived. His parents hadn’t. The driver of the truck hadn’t lived, either … and it was a good thing, because Adam would have killed the son of a bitch.

  The one thing Adam’s parents had wanted was to see him sober up.

  So that was the one thing he promised as their caskets were lowered into the ground on a snowy December morning. He’d get sober. He’d stay sober.

  He was still sober, although they’d been gone quite a while. He just chose to drown his sorrows in other fashions, preferably between the thighs of a woman. Although she didn’t have to spread her thighs. She could bend over a table and he could push into her while she kept her legs together … that worked. If she wanted to go down on him in the office of the bar and grill he’d inherited from his folks, he didn’t mind.

  He’d traded one vice for another, but it was the best he could do. He had to lose himself somehow.

  Maybe Noah dealt with his demons better, but then again, Noah had always been the better man.

  “Does any of this make you happy?” Noah asked.

  Adam looked away. “I don’t need to be happy. I just need to get out of my head, man.” Happy wasn’t ever going to happen. He’d lost his shot at that years ago, and any chance he’d had at earning it back he’d ruined. Time and again. Some people just didn’t deserve it, he figured. He was one of them. “Besides, this isn’t about me. You’re the one who had to face his own personal version of hell the other day. Are you okay?”

  A sad smile crossed Noah’s mouth and he shook his head. “My version of hell? Adam, I was living that day in and day out up until I finally made myself deal with reality. What happened the other day was rough, yeah. But it wasn’t hell. Hell is never knowing. It was harder on Trinity than it was on me.”

  “Trinity?”

  Noah scraped his nail over a faded coffee stain. “The lady who bought the old house. You heard how it happened, right?”

  Adam ran his tongue around his teeth. “To be honest, not really. I heard all sorts of rumors, but I don’t listen to rumors.”

  “There’s a pantry off the kitchen.” Noah’s voice was low and steady and his gaze rested on the table.

  Adam had the feeling he was seeing everything play out all over again.

  “We were keeping it blocked off—a bench in front of the door. The floor was sagging in the middle. Teddy and his crew … Tucker Flooring … they were supposed to be out that day to start repairing the floors. That was going to be the first big overhaul because it was a hazard. That no-good jackass.” Heated temper burned under Noah’s voice, the kind that had been on a steady boil for a good long while.

  Adam suspected that Teddy might want to steer clear of Noah until the man had gotten that temper under control. “I take it he went and did something crazy with the money Belinda won down at the casino.”

  “Vegas.” A snarl escaped Noah and his hand curled into a fist, one so tight his knuckles went white. “They went to damn Vegas to get married and Teddy didn’t bother making sure he had a crew lined up to take care of that job they were set to do. Jackass. I ought to pound his face in.”

  “Careful, Preach,” Adam advised. “You’ll be sorry if you do.”

  Noah lifted his head and met Adam’s eyes. “No, Adam. I won’t. The kid went in there. He pushed the bench out of the way—the thing probably weighs twenty pounds, but he pushed it out o
f the way and was laying in the pantry, just as happy as you can be, working on one of these little ABC workbooks his mama bought him. Not worried about a thing. He had been quiet for all of ten minutes and Trinity went looking for him. He’s four years old, Adam. He was in that room where there was a body tucked maybe seven feet under him. Can you imagine what it would have done to him to see that?”

  Adam leaned back in his seat and covered his face with his hands. “Aw, fuck.”

  “That pretty much sums it up.” Noah’s voice continued to vibrate with rage. “She went in there to get him, stayed off that bad spot. I was right there, man. Right there. She gets the boy out, but he’d forgotten his book. He darts back there—he’s so fast, slippery as an eel. I couldn’t stop him. She threw herself in front of him to keep him off that spot and the floor just…”

  Adam opened his eyes.

  Noah was staring at nothing, his expression stony, eyes hard as flint.

  “I couldn’t catch her. She was down there that fast. The boards just disintegrated. Who knows how long they’d been rotting like that? The only thing I was worried about was her being hurt. She’s lying down there, mad as hell because she’s got a hole in her floor. That’s what she said.… there’s a hole … in my floor.” Noah turned his head and met Adam’s eyes. “Then she went white as a ghost. Then I looked and saw it.”

  Adam didn’t ask.

  The horror that echoed in Noah’s eyes wasn’t anything that needed to be explained.

  “It could have been that kid,” Noah said quietly. “I don’t even want to close my eyes half the time because I keep seeing it. I can’t stop from thinking … it could have been Micah trapped down there. So don’t tell me that I don’t want to pound Teddy’s damn face in. I want to do just that.”

  Adam blew out a breath. “Well. When he gets back in town after those two idiots blow most of the money, I’ll help you chase him down.”

  “Thanks.” A faint grin lit Noah’s face. “You’re a real pal.”

  CHAPTER SIX

  Hands glided over her.

  Work-roughened hands … it was amazing how much different they felt from the smooth, manicured hands she was used to.

  I’m dreaming, Trinity thought.

  The hazed realization worked free just as somebody pressed a kiss to her shoulder. A hard chest brushed over hers and she shivered as the light dusting of hair teased her nipples.

  Oh, yeah.

  She was dreaming.

  And if she opened her eyes, it would all fall apart. But she had to see.

  Open your eyes.

  Noah.

  His voice.

  She groaned, reaching up for him and curling her hands around his shoulders. I don’t want to. She didn’t say the words, but it didn’t seem to matter. He understood.

  You won’t wake up. Not yet. Not till we’re ready.

  She sighed, not entirely ready to trust that, but she wanted to see him.

  Slowly, she lifted her lashes and the hunger burning inside her raged into a wildfire as that beautiful face of his filled her vision. She was touching him, not even realizing it. Scratching stubble abraded her palm and she groaned as his mouth came down, brushing a soft, gentle kiss across her lips.

  I need to touch you.

  The words echoed inside her, through her, wrapping around her, although he didn’t speak.

  I need you to touch me.

  His hands closed around her waist, and the simple, pure bliss of his hand cupping her breast left her reeling. His thumb and forefinger worried her nipple while his eyes bored into hers. It’s not enough.

  No. She bit her lip and then bared her soul. I don’t know what will be enough. I need you inside me. Make love to me.

  The dream shifted and re-formed. His hands caught hers and his hips settled in the cradle of hers.

  Noah!

  He was inside her, rocking deep, deep, deep—

  The climax exploded through her, shattered her, twisted her inside out—

  She came awake on a moan as the climax continued to ripple through her. Shuddering on the bed, she curled one hand into a fist, gripping the sheet tightly as she clenched her thighs together.

  This is insane.

  She could feel the erratic rhythm of her heart and she felt like she’d been running a race, instead of sleeping.

  And she’d just climaxed. In her sleep. Because of a dream.

  She’d had some seriously hot dreams before, but nothing like this. Hell, in all the years she’d been with her ex he hadn’t ever set her body to burning like this. This went so deep. It was deeper than need, deeper than desire, deeper than anything she’d ever felt.

  Crazy, all of it. Noah had never so much as kissed her.

  She swallowed, thinking about what might happen if he ever did.

  She just might explode.

  “Mama! Mama!”

  Or maybe not … Trinity opened her eyes and braced herself just in time. A second later, Micah landed on the bed, bouncing and wiggling around. The boy was like the Energizer Bunny on speed, only so much more endearing, as he bent down and put his face on a level with hers.

  “Morning, baby.”

  He grinned at her. “Do we get to go home yet?”

  “Home,” she murmured, reaching up to touch his face. He didn’t even understand just what had happened yesterday. Sighing, she traced her finger down his cheek and tapped his nose, keeping the fear she felt hidden behind a mask. She was so tired of wearing a mask all the time.

  But she couldn’t let him see how afraid she was. How frustrated she was. How weary.

  “Well, big guy,” she said, thinking her answer through as she rolled onto her back. “I just don’t know yet. They need to figure out what happened over there.”

  “They found bones. Joey told me.”

  Wonderful. She swallowed and closed her eyes.

  That was so … not accurate. She thought maybe she could have handled seeing bones. That macabre, awful body, though, the greying flesh that barely even looked real. The face, locked in that bizarre death mask. Bits of bone visible.

  No. That was far worse than just bones.

  “They did find something down there,” she finally said, turning her head to look at Micah. She managed, just barely, to keep her frustration with Joey leashed. Joey was Ali’s oldest—nine years old, a little mischievous, but he seemed like a great kid—and he had been running around the neighborhood last night. He’d overheard it from somebody, and he’d said something to Micah. Just kids being kids.

  Trinity had bigger concerns to worry about, she knew. As long as Micah wasn’t freaked out about it, she wasn’t going to be.

  Sitting up, she studied Micah’s face. “Well, Joey is sort of right. There was a body down there. I think whoever the person was, they’d been dead a long, long time.”

  “How did he die?” Micah asked, his voice hushed and soft.

  “Baby, I don’t know.” She passed a hand down his soft hair. It stuck up in odd spikes all over the place and it wouldn’t lay down until they made it lay down with lots of water and coaxing. Pulling him into her lap, she rested her chin on his crown and breathed in the soft, warm scent of him. He smelled like little boy—sweaty little boy who’d already been running around and playing hard. “We may never know the answer to that.”

  “Why not? They find that stuff out on TV. I sawed it on a show at Mrs. Magruder’s once.”

  Trinity made a face. Mrs. Magruder had been his sitter a few times back before they’d left New York. Trinity had asked the woman not to let him watch anything scary or inappropriate. Obviously, Mrs. Magruder had a different idea of what was inappropriate for a four-year-old. “Micah, what you see on TV isn’t real. I’ve told you that. Sometimes, you just don’t get the answers you want with things. This could be one of them.”

  “Was it an old person?”

  She closed her eyes. “I don’t know.”

  “’Cuz it was just bones?”

  “Yeah.” />
  “Why was it just bones?”

  A hysterical laugh rose in her throat, but she swallowed it back. This is part of being a parent. Dealing with all the questions. Even the very hard ones, she told herself. The good news? After this, she could handle anything. Even the birds and bees talk in a few years would be a piece of cake.

  “Baby, after a person dies, sooner or later, that’s just what happens. It’s perfectly normal.”

  “I don’t want to be just bones.”

  “Oh, baby.” She hugged him to her. “You don’t need to worry about that. You’re not going to die for a long, long time. Okay?”

  His arms slid around her neck and he clutched at her. “Okay.”

  She pressed her lips to his temple, blinking until the burning left her eyes. The heartache was one thing she hadn’t been prepared for when she became a mom. Her dad had tried to warn her. She had to give him that. A child will make you happier than you’ve ever been … and can hurt you more than you will ever know.

  It hadn’t made sense until the very first time it happened.

  A few moments passed before Micah’s death grip on her neck eased and then he leaned back. Brushing his hair back, she smiled down at him, wanting to reassure him but not certain how to do it. She was always fumbling with this mom thing. She might get it right when he was fifty. “You okay, big guy? It’s kind of scary, I know.”

  He jerked a shoulder in a shrug and looked away. “I’m not scared.” His lip poked out a little. “I mean, bones don’t hurt people, right? They’re all gone, right? Whoever he was … he’s gone?”

  “Right. We don’t know if it was a man or woman, but whoever the person was, the police took the body so they can try and figure out what happened, and who it was. But baby … you have to remember, who it was, it was just a person. You’ve got bones inside you. Bones aren’t scary. They’re kind of awesome. They make you walk and stand up and climb.” She gave him a brave smile. If he could be brave, she’d do the same thing. “So bones aren’t anything to be afraid of, okay?”