Frederick could understand how she might have reached the conclusion that God had not been there for her. “Aggie, God might not always be found in the problem.”
Her brow creased further and she cast him another look that questioned his intelligence.
“God does no’ cause the problems but He can help see ye through those tryin’ times.”
“Tryin’ times?” she asked incredulously. “Ye call all that I’ve been through these past ten years ‘tryin’ times’? What, pray tell, would ye call the end of days? Just a wee bump in the road?”
He took a deep breath and searched for the right words. “Aggie, sometimes we are made to go through things for reasons we canna understand. Mayhap ye were meant to go through all ye did so that ye could help someone else who might be goin’ through the same thing. Or mayhap, there be a lesson to be learned. I dunna ken. But I do know that God has not fersaken ye or Ailrig. His grace can be found all around ye.”
Aggie lifted her chin and shook her head. “His grace? All around me? Here?” she asked as she stretched her arms out.
“Aye,” he told her calmly.
“Show me,” she challenged.
“I’m lookin’ at it now.”
Confusion fell across her face. “What?”
“Ye are God’s grace. And so is Ailrig.”
“Ye be daft.”
“Nay,” he smiled wanly. “Aggie, I ken it be difficult to understand. But I believe that ye and young Ailrig be all the proof I need that God is good. He put ye into me life. Now, I canna imagine me life without ye or Ailrig. I thought I would never have a chance at bein’ a husband or a father. I thought I’d never have the chance to be the chief of me own clan. And now, here ye be. I could never have had those things, Aggie, were it no’ fer God givin’ ye to me. And that is how I look at ye, as a gift from God. A blessin’. And I see His grace in yer face every time I see ye smile.”
TEARS POOLED IN her eyes and quietly slid down her cheeks. She had never thought herself anything important to anyone, at least not since her mum. It had been a good number of years, too many years, of feeling unimportant and without value. She had been convinced for some time now that she was unworthy of God’s love or anyone else’s.
Frederick had spoken from his heart, truthfully and honestly. She could see it in his eyes that he meant every word he said to her. The sincerity, the honesty was plainly evident in those big hazel eyes of his. He did not look at her as a burden or simply as a means to an end. He looked at her as a blessing, one sent directly from God.
She had prayed, had prayed often, several times a day for many years for a way out of the dark, ugly place she had roamed. Though she hadn’t been specific in her prayer, hadn’t prayed for a kind husband or a knight in shining armor to come steal her away to beautiful lands, she had prayed for rescue.
And she hadn’t prayed to be special to anyone. Hadn’t prayed for anything but surviving the ordeals and everyday life with her father. She had prayed for Ailrig and Rose to be safe. She had even prayed for the sweet release of death. But not once had she ever prayed for a man like Frederick Mackintosh.
“Aggie, the day ye came to Rowan Graham’s keep, do ye remember that day?”
Och! How could she forget it? She had been terrified when they had first arrived. The Graham keep was a brilliant and beautiful place and she had been in awe of everything. But it had been her father’s behavior that day that had left her humiliated and ashamed. And when Frederick had offered for her hand, she had been as terrified of him as she was confused. Aggie gave a slight nod of her head, unable to find her voice. His kind words had left her head spinning and her heart pounding in her chest.
“Do ye ken how I came into the stables to help ye with her da’s horse?”
Aye, she recollected. Ye nearly scared me out of me own skin!
“I remember it. I also remember the moments before that. I had been in the kirk for more than two hours. I’d been prayin’ ye see. Prayin’ fer a wife and bairns and a way to become chief of me own clan someday. A voice had been talkin’ in me head fer weeks, tellin’ me I needed a wife. Frederick, ye need a wife. I tried to ignore it. Tried to drink the voice away. Nothin’ worked. So I decided ’twas God’s way of tellin’ me I needed to change me drinkin’ and skirt-chasin’ ways.” Gently, he placed his palms on her shoulders and smiled down at her. “Ye see, Aggie, ye were the answer to me prayers.”
He decided to leave out the part of how he had prayed for a vivacious, curvaceous, spirited wife who looked eerily similar to Lady Arline Graham. God may not have given him the wife he had prayed for, but He had given him the wife he needed.
Her voice caught in her throat. “Ye believe me to be the answer to yer prayers?” she asked.
“Aye, Aggie. Ye be the answer to many prayers. Ye may no’ have prayed fer a man like me, but I hope that someday ye can look upon me as a blessin’.”
A blessing? He was far more than a blessing. He was her salvation.
Twenty-Nine
WITH GREAT CARE and tenderness, Aggie tended to her son around the clock. When Frederick would insist she rest, she would climb into the big bed and sleep next to her son. He could not argue with her on this, for there was no hope in him winning. During those rare moments when Aggie would sleep, Frederick or Rose would watch over the boy.
Aggie’s biggest worry those first few days was that Ailrig would fall into a sleep that he would not wake from. The pain in his arm and ribs was intense enough that it aided in keeping the boy awake.
Once she saw that the head wound was not so grievous as she first feared, she finally allowed him to sleep, albeit for short intervals. After the fifth day, she began to administer teas and draughts that helped ease the pain.
Frederick hadn’t left the bedchamber since his brother and Findal had drug him out of the gathering room that horrible afternoon. It was, he supposed, for the best that he stayed as far away from Mermadak and the rest of the clan as possible. Aggie and Ailrig needed him here, in their bedchamber, not in the dungeon.
Frederick believed it was an act of divine intervention that stopped Ailrig from developing a fever. A week had passed since the incident and Ailrig was getting along splendidly considering the circumstances.
On the eighth day, Ailrig woke complaining of hunger and boredom. “Me arm doesna hurt as bad as it did, Aggie,” he told her. “I want to go out of doors and watch Ian and the men train.”
Aggie smiled down at him. “Ye must think I hurt m-me head as well, me wee little man, if ye think I’ll b-be allowin’ ye out of doors any time soon.”
“But, Aggie,” he began to protest.
Frederick cleared his throat to gain the boy’s attention. Raising a brow, he said, “Ailrig, she be yer mum now. Show her some respect, laddie. Elst I’ll have ye cleanin’ privies as soon as yer arm heals.”
Properly chastised, Ailrig looked regretful. “I fergot,” Ailrig said.
“I imagine ’twill take some getting’ used to,” Frederick reassured him. “Do no’ fash yerself over much Ailrig. Just keep in mind that we be yer parents now.”
Per Aggie’s request, Mrs. McCurdy sent broth and bread up with Rose, who swept into the room with a wide smile. Either she smiled because she was glad to see Ailrig doing so well, or Ian had something to do with it. Aggie had a sneaky suspicion that it was a combination of both and she could well understand Rose’s need to smile. If Rose felt for Ian the same way Aggie felt for Frederick, well, smiling only made sense.
Since that day a week ago, when Frederick had called her a blessing, Aggie had felt a lightness in her heart that she could not ever remember feeling. She no longer felt as though she carried the weight of the world on her shoulders. She no longer felt inadequate, undeserving, or ugly. Instead, she felt special and while perhaps not a stunning beauty like Lady Arline or even Rose, she did feel a bit more bonny than she had ever felt before.
And with Ailrig clearly on the mend, she felt as though the broken pieces
of her life were being put back together. Ailrig could call her mum and no one would take notice or think she was anything but his adopted mother. No one need know the truth and it was good enough for Aggie.
Days ago, she and Frederick had discussed whether or not they should tell the boy the truth. After many hours, they had decided mayhap now was not the best time. When he was older and could better understand what had happened, they would revisit the topic. For now, the true facts of his lineage would remain secret.
IAN AND FINDAL had set out days ago to find out the truth behind Ailrig’s accident. It hadn’t been easy to learn who it was who had stolen Aggie’s dress, cut it and put it on the pig. While both men had owned their own personal suspicions, they needed proof. Proof that was not so easy to obtain.
For days, they had stayed hidden in the shadows, eavesdropping on conversations, following those individuals they suspected were behind the incident. In the end, it had been Eggar Wardwin who had come to them with a confession of sorts.
“I swear to ye, had I known she was goin’ to do such a thing ahead of time, I would have stopped her,” Eggar said as he stood near the area where the men trained. Ian and Findal could easily see that it hadn’t been easy for the man to come and tell them the truth. “Ye see, Clair fancies herself the chatelaine o’ the keep,” he said solemnly. “And ye can thank Mermadak fer that!” he quickly added.
“So, ’twas Clair who put the dress on the pig?” Ian asked. He had met Clair on numerous occasions and thought her nothing more than a haughty woman who, for whatever reason, thought herself better than anyone else in the clan. He could not imagine her getting anywhere near the pigs, let alone dressing one.
“Nay, she didna do that part. But she did the rest,” he said as he shook his head in dismay. “She be the one who stole the dress and cut it. And ’twas by her order that Donnel put it on the pig. She also made the sign.”
The three men fell silent for a time, each mulling over the events of that day. But where Ian and Findal were angry, Eggar seemed sincerely heartbroken. “I do no’ ken why she be the way she be. She was no’ like this when I first married her, ye ken? She was a quiet lass then. She wasna this mean or scornful,” he shook his head again and looked at his feet as if they had the answer. “I think ’tis all the babes she lost that turned her so … so mean and hateful.”
Findal raised a brow. “How many?” he asked.
“Five,” Eggar said. “All within days of learnin’ she was carryin’. Broke me heart to see her so upset. After the fifth one, she let me ken very clearly that she’d no’ be givin’ me any bairns.” He let the inference hang in the air for a time. “That was six years ago.”
Ian and Findal cast knowing glances at one another. Each man’s train of thought was the same; no wonder Eggar looked so sad all the time. He hasna been with his wife for six years. They each wondered silently if Eggar had taken a mistress.
Eggar soon answered the question. “I’ve no’ touched another woman. I made Clair a promise long ago to be faithful,” he said, looking into the eyes of each man. “It hasna been easy, that I’ll give ye. I’d be lyin’ if I said I was no’ ever tempted. I guess I stay with her out of guilt. I feel like it be me fault that she suffered so.”
Ian could understand how Eggar might come to feel that way. Still, they could not ignore what Clair had done. Many women lost babes and they didn’t turn into cruel, heartless wenches. “I ken ye feel sorry fer yer wife, Eggar,” Ian began carefully.
Eggar sighed and nodded his head. “Aye, I do feel sorry fer Clair. But that is no excuse fer what she did. The problem will be with Mermadak.”
Ian and Findal looked curiously at one another before turning back to Eggar. “How do ye mean,” Findal asked.
“Well, ye see, Mermadak has taken a strong likin’ to Clair. He lets her do whatever she pleases. In his eyes, the woman can do no wrong. And fer the life of me, I canna figure it out. Aggie be one of the kindest women that I’ve ever known and Mermadak’s own flesh and blood. But he treats dogs better than he treats Aggie, and he treats Clair as if she were the bloody Queen of Scots!”
Ian and Findal exchanged a look that said things mayhap made more sense now. Mayhap Clair and Mermadak were lovers.
Eggar caught the look that passed between the two men. “Aye, I thought the same meself on more than one occasion, lads. But I do no’ believe she be Mermadak’s lover. There be somethin’ else goin’ on there, but I dunnae what it is. But I am certain she’s no’ warmin’ the McLaren’s bed.”
“How can ye be so certain?” Ian asked.
“I’ve caught them together many a time. I’ve heard the way they speak to one another. ’Tis more like he looks at her as the daughter he wanted Aggie to be. But I dunnae why! Clair is a haughty, selfish woman who would rather lie abed all the day long than do any honest work. Aggie? Why I’ve seen her do the work of five men and no’ give one complaint. Clair? She complains about everythin’ except the McLaren. She often tells me he’s just a misunderstood auld man. Lovers? Nay,” he gave a shake of his head and swiped dust from his trews. “Nay, no’ lovers. But somethin’ else altogether.”
Ian thought on it for a time. It was quite possible that Eggar was correct. He thought back to the day that Mermadak voiced the fact that he was sorely disappointed in the fact that Frederick was not a brutal bastard. Mayhap, the auld man was insane and in his mind, anyone kind or considerate was not deserving of his respect or attention. He would have to discuss it with Frederick.
“So what I be tellin’ ye is that the McLaren willna do anythin’ to punish Clair. Or Donnel, or anyone else who was involved that day. I be terribly sorry, but he’ll no’ do anythin’ about it save fer tellin’ them to try harder next time to kill either Aggie or Ailrig,” Eggar said.
Ian and Findal shuddered to think that there would even be a next time.
“Ye truly think what was done to Ailrig was on purpose?” Ian asked, his expression pained and worried.
Eggar sighed. “I dunnae. Me heart wants to believe me wife is no’ capable of such a thing, but me good sense says no’ to put anythin’ past her,” he said. “I promise ye lads, that I’ll keep a close watch on her and if I get wind of any more stunts or plans to hurt Aggie or Ailrig, I’ll tell ye.”
Ian found no comfort in the man’s promise. Not that he believed Eggar didn’t mean what he said, but because he knew Clair’s kind all too well. There was nothing you could put past the woman. He kept his opinion to himself and thanked Eggar for coming to him.
After Eggar left, Ian turned to Findal. “Me thinks we’ll need more men here, to help protect Aggie and Ailrig and Frederick will no’ be likin’ what we have to tell him.”
Findal nodded his head in agreement. “Nay, he will no’. And if we all be busy trying to keep Aggie and Ailrig from gettin’ hurt, we’ll no have the time to rebuild this keep or this clan.”
“Well, we best go explain the way of it to Frederick. Hopefully, he’ll have a good idea who to call on for help.”
Thirty
“M-MUST YE LEAVE?” Aggie asked solemnly. She did not like the idea of her husband being gone for a few hours let alone days. Her newly found courage began to fade away.
Frederick smiled as he gently took her face in his palms. “Lass, I’ll be gone no more than three days. We will no’ be far, but we must go huntin’ if we want to survive this winter.”
Aggie would gladly give up all meat for the next ten years and eat porridge for each meal if it meant her husband did not have to leave. What if something happened and he did not return? What if, while he was gone, her father tried to hurt her or Ailrig?
“But Ailrig is n-no’ f-fully recovered yet, Frederick. What if he t-takes a turn for the worse?” she pleaded.
“It has been three weeks since Ailrig was injured,” Frederick reminded her. “If he was goin’ to take a turn for the worse, I think he’d have taken that turn by now. He’s healin’ nicely, thanks to ye.”
“
Ye d-dunna k-ken that!” she argued. “Ye n-never k-ken with these things.”
Frederick took note that her stutter had worsened. It seemed that when she was happy, content and feeling safe, the stutter all but disappeared. But when she was upset or worried, it would return. “Aggie,” Frederick said as he pulled her into his chest. “I promise, I’ll be back. And I be leaving Findal and Rognall, and three other men behind, to watch over ye. If I didna think it safe to leave ye, I would no’ be goin’.”
Ye could leave one thousand men to watch over us. I still wouldna feel safe without ye here, she thought to herself.
“If ’twill make ye feel better, ye can have Ailrig sleep in here with ye,” he offered.
“I’ll no’ feel better until ye return,” she told him as she wrapped her arms around his waist.
Frederick chuckled slightly. “I imagine I’ll be feelin’ the same, my queen.”
Aggie thought to offer him a kiss as a means of tempting him to stay, but quickly discarded the idea. The last time she had offered, they had argued and she didn’t want him angry with her when he left.
Aye, it had been a month since he had told her that she was the answer to his prayers and he had yet to kiss her even once and she was very reluctant to broach the subject of kisses. They slept in the same bed each night, but Frederick slept as though there were an invisible stone wall that trailed down the middle of the bed.
There had been a few times she had scooted close to him with the hope that he would, at the very least, drape an arm around her waist or accidentally let his lips touch hers. But nay. The moment she got within an inch of him, he rolled over and faced the other way. Mayhap she should start going to the kirk with him each day and start praying for an answer to his distance.
Frederick's Queen: The Clan Graham Series Page 32
