He stopped dead in his tracks and spun around to face her. “What did ye say?”
“Ye heard me,” she said firmly as she stood a bit taller and thrust her chin upward. “Don’t ye dare walk out that door! Ye are goin’ to stay and talk to me, like ye promised!”
He worked his jaw back and forth and he weighed his options. “I’ll stay, if ye promise no’ to say that again.”
“Say what?” she said, growing exasperated with him.
“That ’tis me right to kiss ye or do what I want with ye!”
Aggie blew out a frustrated breath. “Ye are such a confoundin’ man!” She took a deep, fortifying breath before going forward. “Did ye, or did ye no’, the day after we were wed, tell me joinin’ with me was no’ yer right to take, but mine to give?”
He stood taller, his brow furrowed, his confusion plainly evident. “Aye, I did.”
“Well then, why do ye get angry every time I give ye the right?”
Several long moments passed by. She could see that he was trying to work out what she had just asked him.
He tilted his head slightly and raised one brow. He tried to speak, stopped, started again, still, he was unable to find the words.
Aggie crossed her hands over her waist as profound sadness crept in. “I’ve given ye the right on three separate occasions, Frederick, but now, I think I understand the way of it. Ye do no’ find me appealin’. I ken ye say me scars and stutter and me past do no’ matter, but I think they do. Ye just canna admit to it.”
Should it hurt this much, she wondered?
“Aggie.” Frederick took a tentative step toward her.
“Do no’ worry it, Frederick. I canna blame ye fer no’ wantin’ me,” she turned away and went back to the chair by the desk. Part of her wanted to yell at him to go away so that she could cry the night away alone. She did not want him to see her tears or her pain. ‘Twasn’t his fault he could not see past the scars or the fact that more than a sennight ago, her father had tried to have him killed. Who in his right mind would want the daughter of Mermadak McLaren?
The other part of her wanted him to stay and wrap his arms around her and tell her all would be well. But that would be nothing more than a lie and not even she was desperate enough to accept lies.
At one time, he had considered her a blessing. But now? More of a curse she reckoned. Even if he could not look past everything that was wrong with her, she still had much to be thankful to him for.
“Honestly, I d-do no’ blame ye, Frederick.” That was the truth. “I have so much to be thankful to ye fer,” she said as she played with the belt of the robe. “Ye see, ye’ve given me much more than pretty dresses and slippers and such.”
Frederick knelt beside her. “Aggie.”
She cut him off for she truly did not want to hear any apologies, nor did she want his pity or false promises. “Please, Frederick, let me say what I need to say. Ye’ve given me much more than pretty things. Ye’ve given me back me life.”
Without speaking, he took his chair, bringing it so that their knees touched. “Aggie, ye be right. I do have an affliction, but it isn’t the kind ye be thinkin’.”
She looked up at him with a furrowed brow.
“Ye see, lass, I do find ye exceedingly beautiful and verra desirable. And I couldna let ye ken that because I didna want ye thinkin’ me a lecher or a base and disgustin’ man.”
Aggie blinked away a tear, her confusion deepening.
“I couldna let ye help me to bathe, Aggie, fer ye have an effect on me person, and one I could no’ let ye be aware of.
She was afraid to ask him what he meant, so she remained silently confused.
Frederick sensed her apprehension as well as her confusion. “Aggie, I do find ye desirable and beautiful.”
She swallowed back a tear. “Ye mean, like a husband would find his wife?”
He smiled and brushed away a tear with his thumb. “Aye. Like a man does a woman. I’ve only been tryin’ to keep it from ye because of all ye’d gone through.”
“Ye mean because Eduard Bowie had raped me.” She had never said those words out loud before, hadn’t even thought of it that way. She’d used terms such as he had hurt her, taken her innocence, or attacked her. But until today, she’d never said it so bluntly or truthfully. He had raped her. That was the plain, simple truth. Aye, the hurt and taking her innocence were a part of it, but those terms alone did not exactly encompass the totality of it.
“He took so much more than just my innocence that day, Frederick,” she said pointedly. “He took—nay,” she said with a shake of her head. “Because he raped me, stole away me childhood, me innocence and sense of safety, I ended up givin’ him more than ten years of me life. I gave him power over me. I allowed him to destroy me faith, take away all me dreams.” Clarity dawned as she sat taller in her chair. “I’d always felt my destiny had been set that day, that I was no’ worth the dirt any man trod upon. But ye, ye’ve shown me no’ only that no’ all men are the same, but that I be worth much more.” She gave his hands a gentle squeeze. “I do no’ want to give him one more moment of me life, Frederick. Aye, I be a wee frightened, but no’ paralyzed with it.”
Frederick smiled warmly at her. “’Tis good to hear.”
Aggie cleared her throat, wanting to turn back to something he had said earlier. “So, ye do find me desirable?”
“Aye,” he answered, his voice low and husky.
“And ye do no’ lie when ye say ye think me beautiful?” she said suspiciously.
“Nay, I tell ye the truth. ’Tis why I had ye put on the robe.”
Frederick chuckled when she quirked an eyebrow and tilted her head. “Aggie, when I saw ye come out wearin’ that lavender chemise, I—” he paused, looking for the right words to explain. “Ye see, when a man sees his wife lookin’ all allurin’ and soft and beautiful, well, it has an effect on his person. ’Tis why I leave before ye wake each morn’. I have to go douse meself in the loch to purge the lustful feelin’s I have fer ye. ’Tis why I have to keep me distance.”
“I do no’ understand,” she said. “What kind of effect?” While she thought she understood what he referred to, she felt it best not to assume certain things. Lord knew they’d had enough arguments over the past months over misconstrued words.
He cleared his throat. “Well, I,” he cleared his throat again. “’Tis an arousin’ effect.”
A deep crimson blush blossomed from her neck to the top of her head and her lips formed a silent oh.
“Now do ye understand?” he asked. “’Tis no’ that I do no’ want ye, lass. Nothin’ could be further from the truth. ’Tis just that I’ve been doin’ me best to keep me hands to meself and no’ act like a lecher or—”
Aggie had heard enough. Now that she knew the truth behind him keeping his distance, there was no need for further explanation. She leaned forward and without request, she pressed her lips to his.
Thirty-Nine
THOUGH FREDERICK SHOULD not have been so stunned at her plunging headlong into a kiss—for she had been surprising him in one form or another since the day he met her—it had caught him momentarily off guard.
He had to stifle a chuckle at her lack of expertise in the art of kissing for her lips had landed lopsidedly on his. And when she threw her arms around his neck, she came very close to falling off her chair. But all in all, he would have to give praise for her enthusiasm and effort.
It wasn’t the way he had imagined their first kiss would be. He surmised that most first kisses rarely happened or went according to plan. He’d not complain though, instead, he would allow her to take the lead, letting her lips explore his, at least for a little while. If he pressed or went too far too soon, he might scare the life right out of her.
AGGIE DIDN’T MOVE, just kept pressing her lips against his with her arms draped happily around his neck. Though she sat at an odd angle, her bottom on the edge of her seat, her torso stretched as far as it would go, she was enjoying
the way it felt to finally learn what kissing him might feel like. She found it pleasing, but not necessarily as thrilling as Rose had made kisses sound.
Several long moments passed by and Frederick had not moved a muscle. Mayhap she wasn’t doing this correctly for he wasn’t responding as she thought he might. She added a wee more pressure and tried to hug his neck more tightly. Nothing. He simply sat there, unmoving.
She withdrew slightly, opened her eyes and looked into his. “Be I no’ doin’ this correctly?” she asked. “Do ye find it arousin’?” she asked innocently.
Frederick bit the inside of his cheek, then his tongue, to keep from laughing outright at her innocent inquiry. If he began laughing now, she might be so mortified that she’d want to stop. “’Tis pleasin’,” he answered as honestly as he could. Though it wasn’t an earth shattering kiss, he still took great delight in her attempts.
She twisted her lip and studied him closely for a moment. Surmising he was mayhap not being completely honest, she let loose his neck. “I’ve no’ experience with kisses,” she said honestly. “I want ye to find them more than just pleasin’.”
Frederick reached for her hand and pulled her to his lap. Taking his good, unbroken hand, he caressed her cheek with a thumb. “Fer yer first attempt, ’twas quite nice,” he said playfully. “I think with the right amount of practice, ye’ll get verra good at it.”
Aggie rather liked the sound of that and told him so.
Frederick threw his head back and laughed. “Well then, when would ye like to practice? One day a week? Two?”
He sounded so sincere that she believed he meant it. Biting her bottom lip, she shook her head. “Ye and yer men practice every day. I think we should too. If yer up for such a task.”
“We’ll practice,” he said as he gently pressed his lips to hers. “As often,” he kissed her again. “As ye’d like.”
A twinge of excitement pulsed through her veins as a thousand questions began to arise. What if I want ye to kiss me a dozen times a day? Two dozen? A hundred? Would ye grow tired of it? Her courage to ask faltered when his lips touched hers.
Softly at first, tenderly, almost reverently. He held her cheek with his good hand, caressing it with his thumb. Aggie would never have believed it possible for a person to melt in the arms of another, but that was how she felt. As though her entire body had turned to the consistency of butter left in the sun.
That warm sensation spread and began to grow to something entirely different as his kiss deepened. And when he leaned her back to rest in the crook of his arm, ’twas all she could do to remember to breathe and not swoon.
Aye, this was more like the exciting and thrilling sensations Rose had spoken of. Soon, her fingers itched with wanting to touch him. Tenderly, he took her hand in his and pressed it against his chest. She could feel his heart pounding, as if it begged to be set free. ’Twas then that she realized her own heart was beating in much the same fashion.
Letting herself go was far easier than she had imagined it would be. With subdued exhilaration, she readily, nearly gleefully, accepted his kisses. Aggie heard an odd sound, muffled, far away. It sounded like someone quite out of breath. Soon, she realized it was her own ragged breathing, barely audible over the blood rushing in her ears.
Frederick pulled away and looked at her. “Are ye well, wife?”
Nodding her head vigorously, she pulled his lips back to hers. She felt him smile for a moment before giving her that which she wanted most. More of his kisses.
They stayed like that, with Aggie wrapped in his arms and taking great delight in this new journey she and her husband were embarking on. But after a time, he brought her to sit upright again. “Me hand,” he said with a nod toward it.
“Och!” Aggie exclaimed. “I be so sorry!” She scurried from the chair as if he’d just caught fire.
Frederick laughed. “Lass, ’tis alright. It just aches from time to time. I was only wantin’ to switch ye to the other arm for a bit.”
Her face burned red as her lips formed that most seductive “oh”. “Are ye certain? I do no’ want to harm ye.”
Half tempted to tell her the only way she’d harm him was to stop, he simply smiled. “I be certain. Unless yer done with the lesson,” he said with a raised brow.
Would he think her a woman of loose moral character if she told him nay? Somehow, she doubted he would, but still, a woman had to be careful.
“Aggie?” he said as he stood up and walked to her. “Remember, we can talk about anythin’.” Before she could remind him he didn’t always keep his word to be patient, he pressed a finger to her lips. “I promise to hold me temper and listen.”
“I like the kisses,” she said softly.
“And?”
“I like them verra much.”
He smiled and tucked the loose strand of hair behind her ear. “And?”
“Well,” she began but her mouth suddenly felt quite dry. She licked her upper lip and began again. “Are ye certain I can ask ye anythin’? And ye’ll no’ laugh or think me a fool? Or worse yet, a harlot or woman with loose morals?”
He shook his head slowly, the warm smile turning a wee mischievous. “I promise, I’ll no’ laugh, no get mad, and no’ think ill of ye.”
“Well, I like the kisses.”
“Ye said that, lass.”
“Verra much,” she was working up the courage to say what was on her mind.
“Ye said that, too.”
“They make me feel all … warm and tingly.”
His warm smile turned to something akin to pride. “That is good to hear.”
“Well, ye mentioned somethin’ earlier and I be curious of somethin’,” she licked her lips again.
He remained quiet and patiently waited for her to get to the heart of the matter.
She cleared her throat once. “Well, do ye like the kisses?”
“Aye, verra much,” he said in a low, husky voice.
Aggie found she rather liked how deep and gravely it sounded. She shifted her weight from one foot to the other, the question burning to be asked.
“Aggie, I fear we’ll be here all the night long before ye get to what yer wantin’ to ask but are afraid to.”
She let loose a breath, mustered her courage and blurted out her question. “Are ye … ye ken. Aroused?”
He wasn’t even remotely prepared for that question and nearly fell over stunned. How was he supposed to answer that question?
“And, I was wonderin’ somethin’ else,” she began, growing more serious. “Do women get aroused too, from kissin’? Because I’m no’ sure, but I do ken that somethin’ is happenin’ to me. Me insides feel all warm and tingly. And I find I do no’ want ye to stop kissin’ me. I also wonder how many kissin’ lessons we’ll have before we get to the joinin’ lessons.”
FREDERICK STOOD DUMBFOUNDED in front of his wee wife. Joinin’ lessons. He had expected it would take months before she was ready for that kind of physical relationship with him. Words escaped him.
Aggie took his silence to mean he was not happy with her question. She burned red from head to toe. “I knew it! Ye think me a woman of loose morals!” She turned away and buried her face in her hands.
Frederick placed a hand on her shoulder and turned her around. “Nay, lass, that is no’ what I think. Ye just surprised me is all. I thought fer certain ye’d want to wait before we did any, well, any of that.”
“Ye mean because Eduard—”
He couldn’t bear to hear her repeat those words again. He pressed a finger to her lips before she could finish. “Aye, because of that.”
Aggie had to admire his thoughtfulness, and in truth, she was grateful for it. He had been nothing but patient with her for months. Save for those times when miscommunication on both their parts caused problems. She took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I thank ye kindly fer that, Frederick. But I do no’ want to give anymore of me life to bad things or ugly memories. The more I’m with ye, the fewer
ugly things I remember or think about.”
Frederick kissed her forehead and pulled her into his chest. “And ye think that by joinin’, ye’ll ferget everythin’ else?”
She gave a slight shake of her head. “I do no’ think I’ll ever ferget it all. But I’d like to ferget as much of it as I can.”
He kissed the top of her head while he gave thought to her line of thinking. “So, even though I lose me temper at times, and do no’ always listen, I still be givin’ ye good things to think about?”
Aggie pulled away and looked up at him. “Aye, ye do.”
He felt some measure of pride and satisfaction knowing that he was accomplishing some of the things he had set out to do long ago. He had gained her trust, enough so that she was ready for joinin’ lessons. He laughed inwardly at her choice of phrase. Still, he worried that if they rushed into things, it might cause more harm than good. Deciding they could at least make the attempt, he kissed her forehead again.
“Aggie, I be verra glad that ye trust me,” he began.
“I do! I feel verra safe with ye,” she told him.
“That is good to know, lass. I want ye to feel safe with me.” He’d rather die than hurt her or cause her one moment of regret or fear.
“Let’s start with the kissin’ and see where it leads,” he suggested as he pulled her to sit on the settee at the end of the bed. “If I do anythin’, anythin’ at all that ye do no’ like or does no’ feel good, ye need to tell me. Can I have yer promise that ye’ll do that?”
Nodding her head, she smoothed out the robe, uncertain what she should do now.
Frederick pulled her to his lap, tenderly touched her cheek with his good hand and pressed his lips to hers. Any doubt or worry she may have had moments ago fell to the side.
AS THEY SAT on the settee, Frederick allowed Aggie the lead. Though ’twas quite difficult for him to maintain any semblance of control, he knew he must in order for her to feel safe. He continued plying her with tender kisses until she urged him on by wrapping her arms around his neck. Soon, she was back on his lap, and caressing his face with her fingertips.
Frederick's Queen: The Clan Graham Series Page 40
