“I don’t have to. I don’t want to. You’re the one who’s making me go to school, I’d be happy to stay here, I can—”
“You can’t.” He was using that tone that left no room for argument and though she was tempted to fight him, she wouldn’t. “You’re going to go to school, be with other people your own age. You’re going to date and you’re—”
She resisted then, a violent push he contained with his arms like steel bands around her. “Don’t fight. Be a good girl for me, Tinker Bell.”
She wouldn’t push any more, but she sat rigid on his lap, her breath coming as hard and fast as if she were brawling with him. “You’re going to be with someone who isn’t me. Someone who’s not so perverted and controlling.”
“You want me to be with someone who’s vanilla?”
He tried to contain the snort-laugh at her incredulity, but it spilled out anyway, his hard body vibrating against hers.
“You might like it. You might love it. You don’t know.”
She wouldn’t, she knew she wouldn’t. She hadn’t. Gavin had been a good lover, she thought, and never had he lit her up from the inside like Jasper did. Never had she felt as safe, as protected, contained, as loved as she had in the past two months of being Jasper’s.
“Or even someone else kinky who’s not as demanding as I am. Who’s not going to chain you to the bed, who’s not going to have a say over what you eat, what you wear. Who’s not going to stuff your pussy and your ass full while you eat dinner.”
He had just named some of her favorite things. Why in hell would she want to not have those things?
“Look, Keyne.” His hard swallow piqued her interest. Jasper wasn’t so often uncertain—she counted on him to not be—but he seemed that way now. “I know I haven’t always done the greatest job with you. When you came here, I had no idea what the fuck I was doing and I’m not confident I’ve gotten much wiser. You were my ward, my responsibility. I was your guardian. I was supposed to put your best interests first. I suspect I haven’t always done that because I wanted you so badly. So badly I convinced myself what I wanted was also best for you, that you like being mine when maybe that’s the only option you had so it seemed like a good choice.”
How could he possibly say such a thing? He’d given her so many choices. She could’ve gone to Miami, she could’ve entered foster care, she could’ve talked Sasha’s parents or Gabby’s parents into letting her stay there until the school year was out. Not only was he wrong, but he was making her feel like she’d been powerless when all he’d ever done was make her feel powerful.
“I want to be with you, Keyne. I want to make you mine. I’ll do it in whatever way you want me to, but before I do, I want to know I’ve given you every opportunity to find happiness in whatever form it takes for you, whether that be under my control or not. I don’t want you waking up when you’re thirty and wondering how the hell you got stuck with this ancient sadistic control freak and wishing for more out of life. I want to give you everything, even if that doesn’t include me.”
She burrowed her head into his chest because she didn’t want to hear anymore. Technically he was a sadistic control freak, but why was he making that sound like a bad thing? They’d talked about kink-shaming, and he’d drilled it into her head that there was nothing wrong with her, nothing wrong with him. That as long as everyone involved was consenting and educated, kink wasn’t something to feel bad about. Something to keep private because being ashamed and knowing people would give you shit for how you got off weren’t the same thing, but never should she feel bad about the things she wanted.
Why was he trying to make this sound like a bad choice? Like she’d made a poor decision. His logic, or really lack thereof, was infuriating and she wanted to claw at him but all he’d do would be to hold her arms behind her back and force her to listen anyhow. So she clutched at his shirt and tried not to cry the confused tears threatening to spill down her cheeks.
“So while you’re at school, we’re not going to do this. You can call me whenever you need me, I’ll be here for you, I promise. But you have to make a good faith effort to be a normal college kid. Be a little reckless, a little irresponsible. And if you want to come back to me when you have that diploma in your hands, when you’ve lived for a few years, I will gladly, gladly, take back anything you’re willing to give me.”
***
For a moment, he was convinced his soliloquy had worked, that she understood. That she’d give in if only by telling herself she’d do it because he’d asked her to and she wanted to obey her master in all things. A neat trick, that. As much as he’d like to, he couldn’t control her thoughts and if she wanted to be a sneaky thing and mindfuck herself that way, there was nothing he could do about it. He wasn’t sure if he’d be pleased or exasperated by that. Probably both.
“I’m not hungry anymore.”
He closed his eyes and huffed a short sigh into her hair. He should’ve waited until after they were finished, but he couldn’t. It had been eating him alive. “You’re going to finish your dinner.”
She made a soft sound of protest, but when he unwound his arm from around her and slid another bite of fish onto the fork and put it to her lips, she took it in her mouth, chewed and swallowed obediently.
When she’d had every bite, he led her back to her room and when she’d slipped her shoes off and he’d emptied her body of his toys, her control crumbled. She keened, her anguish bone deep and jarring. Maybe he’d made the wrong choice. Again.
She threw things at him, mostly shoes, and he was sure he’d have bruises on his arms from blocking the stilettos and wedges she sent flying through the air. She wasn’t quite as good at throwing objects as she was at throwing a punch, but she wasn’t bad either.
“I hate you, Jasper. I hate you. You promised and I hate you. You said you would keep me and you lied. You’re throwing me away. Well, I don’t need you. If you don’t need me, I don’t need you. How does it feel?”
She stripped off her dress and stood there naked and then she did the most surprising thing of all. She unhooked her bracelet from around her slim wrist and threw it on the floor. He couldn’t remember the last time that thin chain hadn’t graced her wrist. Maybe since he’d given it to her. And now she’d taken it off.
Keyne screamed herself hoarse, threw things until her shelves were empty and cried until she didn’t have any tears left. He stood there and took it, feeling like he deserved it, and like he’d failed her. He couldn’t give in no matter how badly he wanted to. Leaving this way might make it easier for her. In a massive blowout of rage and hate instead of hand-wringing want and sadness.
When she gave in and sat on the floor, curled in on herself until all he could see of her was her pale skin peeking through her wild copper hair, he went to her.
“Do you want to sleep in here tonight or do you want to sleep with me?”
She shuddered under his hand and he could feel the tautness in her muscles. They were practically vibrating with indecision and he wished in silence, Stay with me, please. Please, Keyne, I want you to stay.
***
She wanted so badly to tell him to fuck off. To tell him to go sleep in his big, empty bed all alone, but that would be cutting off her nose to spite her face. If she could have one more night with Jasper, she’d take it no matter how she got it. “I want to sleep with you.”
In answer, he picked her up and walked down the hall to his room, depositing her in the bathroom where he instructed her to get ready. She went through her routine of washing her face, brushing her teeth and hair like an automaton. Is that what he wanted from her? To be able to turn her feelings for him on and off so easily? Did he only want to be loved when it was convenient for him? She wrenched the towel on the holder and flung it toward the wall, brushing past Jasper who’d stripped down to what he wore to bed.
She had half a mind to leave, to
go back to her room, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. But nor could she bring herself to ask for what she really wanted. So she’d ask for it in a way that wouldn’t mean she’d have to suffer the pitying look on his face when he said no. Grasping the fluffy duvet in her hands, she pulled it down in a neat corner, and then crawled up to pull her cuff out and leave it in plain sight.
Jasper could ignore her silent request if he wanted to, but she hoped with all her heart he wouldn’t. She curled up and arranged her legs so that her meaning was clear, and then lay there in silence, listening to the familiar sounds of Jasper washing up and then his soft footfalls on the carpet, as if he thought there was a chance she’d fallen asleep.
Her throat hurt and her body ached, but the buzz of anxiety was better than caffeine at keeping her awake despite her bodily exhaustion. When he reached the bed, he paused and she held her breath, sending a silent prayer to she didn’t know who. The familiar sound of Jasper blowing a frustrated breath out his nose made her ears perk, and then, blessedly, he was touching her. Picking up her foot, cradling it in his hands as he wrapped his cuff around her ankle in a gesture that never failed to stir something inside of her. She never wanted it to fail.
Control, discipline, safety, love. That’s what it said to her, and even though she was so angry she wanted to punch him, she still needed that from him and was grateful when he gave it to her.
Even more grateful when he climbed onto the bed and straddled her. It was possible he’d set himself down on the far side of her and hold her until she went to sleep, but he didn’t. He held his big body above her, and after what felt like a very long time, brushed his knuckles over her cheek.
Before they went to sleep, he had her. Had her in every way she knew of, and though she should have turned him away, she couldn’t. Instead, she savored it. Every kiss, every bite, every thrust, every mark he put on her skin. Even though she was exhausted when they were done, she tried to stay awake to relish every last minute before he broke his promises and gave her away.
Chapter Twenty-four
August
She couldn’t ignore the looks Jasper got as he helped her move her things into the dorm. Or the pointing and the whispers.
Is that her dad? Is that her brother? They don’t look anything alike. Is that her boyfriend? He looks way too old for her, though. Whoever he is, he’s super hot.
Not one of them suggested he was her master. She was glad for it. They wouldn’t understand at best, might be horrified at worst, but part of her wanted to shake her head in pity and look down at them. Silly girls. I belong to him. No one will ever love you the way he loves me. Even if he’s pushing me away.
The moving didn’t take long. She hadn’t packed a lot, figured she would be going home whenever she could and she didn’t want to get settled. What was the point? She’d do her time here as if it were prison instead of the most carefree four years of her life and be done with it, run back to her home with Jasper as soon as she could. Work on convincing him in the meantime that this was silly. No, not silly. Ludicrous.
It wouldn’t work. Jasper was always so smug and self-righteous. Ninety-eight percent of the time she loved that about him, but this fell into the two percent she did not. Her rage about being summarily dismissed was white hot and blinding.
Jasper helped her make her bed, put away the books she’d brought, unpack her clothes, and set up her computer. When they were done, she stood by the window in her single room, part of a three-bedroom suite, arms crossed in front of her.
Jasper stood by the door, his eyes trained on her wrist where her bracelet used to be. Let him think she’d discarded it as he was putting her aside. Really it was tucked safely in her pocket where it would sit while she waited, aching to put it back on. Would as soon as the door was shut behind him but she wouldn’t give him the satisfaction or the comfort of knowing that. She wanted him to hurt as he’d hurt her. Immature, perhaps, but no more so than the tantrum she’d thrown last night.
If he wanted to treat her like a child who didn’t know her own mind, she sure as hell could act like one.
“There’s a dinner I have to go to soon. You can go now.”
“I can stay until you get back if you want.”
The tension on his face said this was hard for him, too. Good. It ought to be. “Don’t. Didn’t you want me to be a normal college kid? How am I supposed to find some dickwad named Chaz to fuck tonight if you’re waiting in my room?”
Jasper cringed, his nostrils flaring as he blew a breath out his nose. She’d hit a nerve. “That’s well within your rights, although I wish you wouldn’t, for several reasons.”
Oh, god, he was going to list them, wasn’t he? He was.
“First, because I was rough with you last night and if you were still at home, I’d take it easy on you for a couple of days before I went at you again. Second, because I don’t think you’d be happy with anonymous sex. You like intimacy. You need to trust the person you’re with. That’s not a bad thing, it’s just how you’re wired.
“Third, the likelihood of some random college guy knowing what he’s doing is low. I’ve deprived you before, but being denied an orgasm for my pleasure and not getting off because a kid is too stupid to know how are two completely different animals. The former gets you frustrated, but also horny and soaking wet, knowing you’re making me happy. Also knowing when I do give in, your orgasm is going to be out of this world. The latter I think would piss you off. Fourth—”
She glared at him, hands on her hips. “How many of these are there?”
Half his face bunched up in thought and he ticked them off on his fingers. “I’m half done, three more.”
Her shoulder slumped and she rolled her eyes but she circled a finger in the air, a gesture for him to get the fuck on with this, please.
“Fourth, it’s not safe. We talked about this. If you’re going to go home with someone, take a picture of his license and text it to me with where you’re going to be. Fifth, this Chaz sounds like a stand-up guy, looking for a relationship. It’d be poor form to drag him home for a quick revenge fuck. Sixth . . .”
He rubbed his hands over his face, so hard it must’ve hurt the craggy angles of his features. Jasper took a few step toward her, made eye contact to ask permission. When she didn’t refuse him, he stepped in close and nudged her chin up with his thumb. “Sixth . . . I love you, Keyne. It would hurt me to think of you with someone else so soon. I want you to give this a real shot, please. And then at the end, if you still want what I have to offer, I’ll give it to you. Everything. Cross my heart. As angry as you are with me right now, and you have every right to be, don’t make decisions you’re going to regret later to spite me, please. I’m not giving you an order, I can’t anymore. I’m asking you as a favor. Please.”
Well, those were five pretty decent reasons not to fuck some random guy tonight. Number five was some bullshit. But to hear Jasper asking her, pleading with her, it poked at her sore heart. She couldn’t say no to him. Not like she’d ever been very good at that on the rare occasions when he actually asked her for something.
“Fine.” He dropped his hand and took her in his arms, holding her close so she could feel his heartbeat as well as hear it. She hugged him back, her eyes watering because she didn’t know when the next time she’d be allowed to do this would be. “If you’re allowed to ask me a favor, can I ask you one?”
“Of course, Tinker Bell. Anything.”
She pulled back to look into his eyes, taking a hard swallow, knowing this was a big ask. What would she do if he said no? She supposed she could always go find Chaz and blow his goddamn mind, although hopefully it wouldn’t come to that.
“While I’m gone, would you . . . would you not be with anybody else?”
“How do you mean?” By the slowness of his speech, he already knew what she meant, but he was going to make her say it.
“I don’t want you to have sex with anyone else. Or play with anyone else. Or date anyone.”
“One night for four years? You drive a hard bargain, you know that?”
She nodded. It was true she was asking a lot, and her world slowed down as she waited for his answer. She could pick the minute marks off her clock in the second it took him to decide: he loves me, he loves me not. He loves me—
“I won’t. You have my word.”
He loves me.
She buried her face in his chest and held him tight, the hard muscles of his body firm in her grip. She was going to be so, so lonely without Jasper. And adrift. Why couldn’t he have given her more notice about this crazy ridiculous scheme of his? But that would’ve meant less time with him, less of all the things she loved. An agonizing peeling of the Jasper bandage that had covered her hurts and frustrations for so long. He’d ripped it away and now that she stood here raw, she realized maybe the wounds were more healed than she thought. Pretending to be functional was a possibility at least. She’d make him proud of her.
He petted her hair and she melted. She’d miss the comfort of his body. And the sex. And everything. But she could do this. Had to do this if she wanted him back and that’s what she wanted more than anything.
“I should go. Don’t want to be late for dinner and get stuck at the weird table.” She’d get stuck there soon enough. The orphan no one knew how to talk to.
“Okay. You can call me if you need me.”
“Okay.”
She let him go and watched as he walked toward the door, the broad span of his shoulders taking up too much room in the small space. He didn’t belong here, but for the next four years she did. “Hey, Jasper?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you.”
She didn’t say it often, couldn’t remember in fact the last time she’d said it. Or come to think of it, if she’d ever said it. It always felt superfluous. Like he must know every look she gave him, every word she said, every movement of her body ached with devotion, adoration, passion. She loved him so much with every cell of her body that sometimes she thought she’d be crushed by the weight of it and gladly. Why say the words when they both knew it was true?
His Custody Page 23
