by Brandon Witt
Out of the blue, an image of Wesley naked underneath him in his bed rose unbidden in his mind. He tried to shove it away, but it wouldn’t quite dissipate. “Have you, ah, had any luck refraining from sleeping with guys since you got here?”
Travis thought he saw a shadow pass over Wesley’s face, but then it was gone. Of course, considering it was nighttime, it might have only been an actual shadow.
“El Dorado has been fairly bleak on the available men front, like I’d hoped. Although there weren’t supposed to be any dates either.”
Travis wasn’t sure how to respond to that.
“Do you mind if I ask you a question now?”
“Nope. Go ahead.”
“Okay. You all right if it’s a hard-hitting one like you asked me?”
Travis shrugged. “Go for it. Ask whatever you want.” He wasn’t really sure he meant that.
For the next twenty to twenty-five steps, Wesley remained silent. Travis decided he wasn’t going to ask after all. Then suddenly Wesley stopped and turned toward him. “Why did you ask me out?”
He should have expected that one. It was the most obvious question for the man to be wondering. He could barely understand why himself; how was he supposed to answer it for Wesley?
“You know, I don’t have a good answer for you. I just know I haven’t been able to get you out of my mind. I wasn’t expecting to kiss you the other night.” Travis forced himself to keep going. It had taken Shannon years to get him to be able to talk about his feelings. It had never gotten to where it felt natural to him, but he’d learned how nonetheless. “I knew I was attracted to you, but I didn’t really want to admit it to myself. It had been so long. Then, in the barn….” His voice trailed off, despite his resolve to be blunt.
Wesley looked away from him, staring down at their shoes. “So the first guy you have feelings for and I turn out to be a big whore. I can only imagine what you must be thinking now.”
Travis had known they would have this conversation at some point, if conversations kept happening, but he hadn’t really seen it coming so soon. To his surprise, considering he’d never spoken to anyone besides Shannon about this before, it didn’t feel strange to admit it to Wesley at all. “I can’t say I understand the whole open thing like you said you and your ex had, but I’m not going to judge you on whoring around.” Yep, he was really going to say it. “For about a year in college, I was fucking guys left and right.”
Wesley looked up, his eyes wide, his jaw hanging open in shock. “You what?” Before Travis could reply, Wesley leaned forward questioningly. “Wait a minute. In college? I thought you and Shannon started dating in high school.”
“We did.” God, he really did hate telling this. “During our junior year, I started fucking guys behind Shannon’s back, during one of our breakups. We would fight and get back together a lot in those days. I’d always known I had some attraction to other guys, but I’d been able to pretty much ignore it. Until I didn’t. Later, after Shannon found out—” He let out a sardonic laugh. “—and after breaking up and getting back together again, she said as long as it was other guys, she thought she could handle it.”
“Wait.” Wesley flung out his hands. “What?”
“Looking back, it doesn’t make sense to me either. I think we were both just so desperate to make it work. We really loved each other.” Wesley looked like he was about to interrupt, but Travis spoke again before he could. “Long story short, that didn’t work either. It hurt her too much.”
Wesley considered him. “So you haven’t had sex with another man in over twenty years?”
Travis felt his cheeks flush, and he was glad it was dark out. “I’ve webcammed a couple of times in the past year or two. Not often. I feel like shit every time. I just had to get some… release or something.”
“Oh my God.” Wesley gaped at him. “You’re completely blowing my mind right now. I don’t even know what to do with any of this. I just never expected….” His expression changed suddenly, and his voice grew wary. “Did you feel like that after we kissed the other night?”
“Like what?”
He shrugged. “Like you did after you webcammed? Like shit.”
“No. Not like that. I’ve been confused and sort of a mess. Well, no ‘sort of’ about it. But no. It was nothing like that.”
The expression on Wesley’s face made it evident he didn’t entirely trust Travis’s words. “I’m not sure what to do with all this.”
Travis was certain Wesley was going to ask to go back to the truck, end the date, and for Travis to take him home. Panic flared in him at the thought. He shouldn’t have such a reaction. Hell, that should be the very thing he should hope for. Then it could all go back to how it was—no more confusion, no more drama.
Back to how it was. Shannon was gone. She wasn’t coming back, no matter how many starry nights he spent with the buffalo. So what was it he was wanting to go back to? Endless nights of loneliness? Jerking off to a webcam every few months, then feeling like a dirty old man the next day? Being half a man for his kids?
Travis reached out a hand and gripped Wesley’s shoulder, his hold firm but nonaggressive. “Please don’t freak out. I know I’m not good at this. I do wanna be here with you.”
Wesley continued to stare at him with narrowed eyes. “Why?”
Oh fuck. Travis glanced around, finding what he sought, glad it was still there. He motioned up the path, toward the edge of the pond. “There’s a bench up there. Wanna go there and sit for a bit?”
“Sure.” Even that Wesley made sound questionable.
Travis’s mind raced during the all-too-few steps it took to get to the iron-and-wood bench. How was he supposed to explain things he didn’t understand? How was he supposed to express feelings he couldn’t even name?
They sat, the bench small enough that, as they turned toward one another, their knees touched. Neither pulled away. So close to the pond and a few feet out of the tree line, the night seemed a little brighter. Stars, both overhead and reflected on the pond, illuminated them.
“Is this going to be too cold?” Travis noticed a small snowflake drift between them, and his gaze followed it momentarily. After a second, he refocused on Wesley.
“No. It’s cold, but I’m fine. Honestly I’m not really even noticing any of that right now.” Wesley made an unpleasant, scrunched-up face, then shook his head. “I know I’m not supposed to ask something like this, but I’m just gonna. So are you gay or bi? Like, what are you?”
The mist-like snowflakes could have turned to hail and Travis wouldn’t have felt them against the instant pounding of his heart. God, he hated that question. He’d asked himself that same thing a billion times. Every time he’d fucked a guy in college. Every time he’d gotten off with someone on the webcam. He could hear Shannon’s angry young voice asking the same thing.
Wesley kept talking before Travis could even begin to form an answer. “There’s no judgment on anything you might say. I just want to understand. I mean I’ve met plenty of straight guys who just wanna hook up with another guy from time to time, I guess. Is that what you’re looking for here, and you just didn’t know how to ask?”
The question fucking hurt Travis’s feelings. Was he becoming a goddamn girl now? Why hadn’t he practiced this conversation in advance? What the fuck was he thinking? Practice a conversation? He was becoming a girl.
“No. I’m not wanting that. As pathetic as this sounds, I’m not just trying to get off here. I can do that on the computer. I hate it. I feel more alone every time I do it.”
Wesley gave him a halfhearted smile. “Well, Travis, it would be a little different if you were doing it with a real person.”
“Is that why you said yes to tonight? You thought we’d just fuck or something?”
“No. Although I wouldn’t turn you down if that’s what you wanted.” Wesley shrugged. “I don’t really know why I said yes. You’re hot and I’ve had you stuck in my head since I met you that day you
brought Dunkyn that first time. I guess—”
“You think I’m hot?” Travis had to remind himself to shut his mouth, not to let his jaw continue to gape open. He wouldn’t have admitted it to anyone, not even Wendy, maybe not even Shannon’s grave, but he hadn’t been able to picture Wesley being even partially attracted to him. Though Wesley’s response to the kiss had suggested otherwise.
Wesley cocked his head questioningly at Travis. “Are you serious?”
Travis motioned down his body. “Yeah. You’re all fancy and shit, and I’m… this. I got this belly. I’m all hairy—” He stopped abruptly, realizing Wesley didn’t know about his hairy chest and stomach. God! He was forty-two, for crying out loud; why did he suddenly feel like he was back in junior high?
“All right, no more details like that right now, or I might undress you on this bench.” Wesley glanced up at the thickening clouds. “And if we’re gonna hook up, I don’t want it to be with shrinkage.”
And just like that, Travis’s cock came fully awake and aching in its smashed denim confines.
Luckily Wesley hadn’t seemed to notice. “And… and that’s what you focus on? That I think you’re hot?”
Travis couldn’t suppress his smile. He was smiling. Actually smiling. Huh. “Well, it’s nice to hear. I doubted you’d look twice at someone like me.”
“And that brings us back to you. Someone like you. So you’re saying that you didn’t ask me to dinner just for a hookup. That you, what? Have feelings for me? Are wanting a relationship? That you actually are gay now? That you’ve always been?”
Travis held up a hand. “Whoa! Too much. I don’t know, Wesley. I can’t answer all those because I don’t know.” God he wished he did. How this reminded him of that conversation with Shannon the first time she’d found out he’d fucked a guy. Except they’d had nearly four years together under their belt at that point.
“Sorry.” Wesley placed his hand over Travis’s, letting it hover momentarily, giving Travis a chance to pull away. He didn’t. “I’m not trying to get you to define everything. I know that’s maybe not fair. I’m just trying to understand.”
It was an active force of will to refrain from sighing at Wesley’s touch. Just the feel of Wesley’s warm hand touching his made Travis’s world tilt. It made him want to run screaming. Made him want to feel every bit of Wesley’s body on his.
This time the silence between them was filled with tension, but also anticipation. Wesley’s thumb started to make small circling motions over the back of Travis’s hand and wrist. They would look at each other and then look away after a moment or two.
The entire time, Travis’s heart threatened to beat right out of his chest.
“Wesley, I can’t tell you that I am straight or gay. Shannon said I was bi. Maybe I am. I know that I loved her… that I love her. That she was beautiful and that I didn’t want any other life than the one I had with her. I also know I really loved having sex with other guys. There were times in our marriage that it took all my power to block those feelings, but I did, or at least didn’t act on them, because I loved her.”
Travis looked away, eyes stinging, and stared out over the pond. He was thankful when Wesley gave him that time in silence, letting him sort through the emotions. What did he want? Why had he asked Wesley on a date? Why had Shannon been adamant in making him promise all those things?
After a minute or two—it felt like hours—Travis’s heart quieted. He knew what he wanted. He wanted Shannon. He wanted what he’d had with Shannon. He looked back to Wesley, encouraged by the patient, hopeful expression on the man’s face.
“I can’t answer all your questions, Wesley. I’m not sure of most of them myself. Here’s what I do know.” He paused, taking a deep breath and then exhaling slowly. He couldn’t believe what he was about to say. He took another breath, playing the words over in his mind. He waited for guilt. He waited for a sense that he was betraying his wife. Neither came. He took a third breath, and then he spoke. “I know that you’re the first person I’ve kissed since Shannon left. The first person I wanted to. You’re the first person I’ve been attracted to. The first person to make me feel… to make me feel—” He fluttered his hand in front of his chest. “—like this.”
Wesley’s lips curved into a crooked smile. His voice was soft, an edge of excitement discernable. “I feel it too.”
Travis nodded. “Okay.” He exhaled. “Good. So let’s just go with it?”
“Yeah.” Wesley paused, his second confirmation sounding more certain. “Yeah. Let’s do.”
“Okay.” Now Travis was grinning.
“So you gonna kiss me again?”
Chapter Seventeen
THE SHADOWS slithered over Mason’s bedroom wall. He pulled the covers up over his eyes, then quickly brought them back down, just enough so he could peer over the edge. It was better to see what they were doing. If he covered his eyes, they might make their way onto his bed.
Sometimes the gloomy visitors were nothing more than frolicking calves over meadows. Other times, he could make out Dunkyn and Dolan coming to visit him before he fell asleep. When they bounded over his walls, he would often giggle, although quietly. Aunt Wendy didn’t like it when he or Avery stayed awake past their bedtime.
His favorite times, though, were when the shadows merged together into a solitary silhouette. Though he couldn’t remember her, he knew it was his momma visiting him, watching over him. Mason recognized the long, flowing hair in the outline of her shape, even if he couldn’t see the color. He’d stared at her pictures so many times he’d know her anywhere.
It wasn’t his momma who moved over the walls tonight, though. It wasn’t the dogs or baby cows. Mason didn’t know what the shadows were, but he knew they’d get him if he wasn’t careful. If he closed his eyes too long. If he fell asleep.
He looked at the night-lights perched on the bedside tables. First he checked the blue dolphin, curved like a crescent moon. Someday he was going to swim with dolphins and maybe find a mermaid. Narrowing his eyes, he inspected the light quality. No flickering. Seemed okay. Before turning toward the other side, Mason looked back at the sinister shadows. They were still coasting along his walls, but no closer to him. Not yet. He pretended to look away, but instantly jerked his gaze back to the shadows. Yep, still where they had been. That was good.
Satisfied, he turned toward his favorite night-light, the frosted glass unicorn head. He’d begged his daddy for her. Daddy hadn’t wanted him to have another night-light. One was enough. He was a big boy. Avery didn’t have a night-light, and she was fine. Then, for his sixth birthday, the unicorn had been in one of his biggest packages. It was so big he had to lift it with both of his hands.
He hadn’t been scared of the dark for weeks and weeks and weeks.
Maybe he needed to ask Daddy and Aunt Wendy for a third night-light. The shadows had been coming more lately, ever since Dunkyn got sick a few weeks ago. He didn’t even care what the night-light looked like. Although he’d seen one shaped like a heart the last time they’d been at Walmart. It was pink. Surely that color would keep away the bad shadows. He’d pointed it out, but Avery had said it was for girls. Aunt Wendy had told her that boys and girl both have hearts. Hearts were what kept us alive, so the night-light could be for boys or girls.
Mason’s gaze zoomed away from the unicorn and found the slinking shadows just in time. He was pretty sure one had been right next to his bed. Maybe that’s what the shadows wanted. Maybe they could hear his heart beating so hard. Maybe his heart was calling to them. Even he could hear it. He couldn’t a few minutes ago, but he could now.
Maybe the shadows collected hearts.
Mason whimpered.
Maybe they ate them!
A slice of light cut into the room as his bedroom door suddenly creaked open. Mason yelped and pulled the covers fully over his head.
“Hey, buddy. You shouldn’t be awake. Are you okay?”
Mason nearly fell for it. He almost
uncovered his head.
He wouldn’t. They couldn’t trick him.
A heavy pressure pulled at the sheets from the corner of his bed, the weight pinning his toes as his mattress creaked. He bit his lip to keep from crying out. Maybe they’d leave.
Please leave. Just leave.
“Mason, what’s going on, my little man?”
The sheet was pulled off his face, and his daddy looked worriedly at him.
“Daddy?”
His daddy smiled gently. “Yeah, bud. It’s me.”
Mason sat up, letting the blanket fall to his waist. He yanked his left foot. His dad was sitting on his big toe. His foot slid out of its sock and was free. “Daddy!”
Big warm arms wrapped around Mason’s back as he crawled into his daddy’s lap.
Mason peered at the walls over the sleeves of his daddy’s fancy blue shirt. The shadows were still there. Still slithering, but slower. They’d stay away as long as he was safe in his dad’s lap. He rested his head on the muscled chest. Aunt Wendy had told him that he’d be as big as his daddy one day. She said Caleb and Avery were more like their mom, but he took after his dad. Mason liked the idea, but he didn’t believe it. There was no way he’d ever be as big as his dad. Daddy wore great big boots. He could hold Mason up in the air with one hand while holding Avery up with his other one. Daddy wrestled buffalo. No way he’d be as strong as his dad.
“Why are you awake, my man?” His dad’s big hand stroked over Mason’s spiky hair, the calluses rough and familiar against his scalp.
Mason didn’t answer.
“Shadows?”
Mason tried to figure out whether his dad sounded angry about the shadows. He didn’t think so. He nodded against his dad’s chest.
The big arms wrapped around a little tighter. “You’re okay, buddy. You’re safe.”
Sometimes, after Caleb read a bedtime story to Avery and him, Wendy would sing him to sleep. Avery never needed her to. Mason loved hearing Wendy sing, but this was better. Once in a while, Daddy would hum or rock back and forth a little, but most of the time, Daddy just held him still. Making everything safe.
