by Brandon Witt
Maybe if Coach Benn hadn’t arrived and pulled them apart….
Wendy had been unusually silent as she listened to Principal Eslinger explain the two-day suspension. Caleb couldn’t look at his aunt when the principal relayed what had started the fight.
He cringed as the principal spoke anew the claim Dustin had made about his dad. Caleb hadn’t repeated what had been said. Maybe Dustin or the other boys had.
Wendy didn’t offer an explanation or apology. Nor had she reprimanded him while they were in the office.
After they walked out the front doors of the school, Wendy stopped him with a gentle touch on the shoulder halfway down the sidewalk. “Are you okay?”
He couldn’t look at her. He just nodded.
He was anything but okay. His face felt like it had been beaten with a brick, and his tooth throbbed. His mind kept shuffling the puzzle pieces, trying to make them form a different picture.
“Wanna tell me about it?”
He shook his head.
Wendy swiped a lock of his damned red hair off his forehead. “Tell me later?”
He hesitated.
“Caleb.” Her voice had a warning edge to it. One she typically reserved only for Avery and his father.
He nodded.
“Good. I don’t think fighting is ever an answer, but I know you, and I don’t blame you for defending your father. I wish I’d been there to help. Maybe hold him down for ya.” She turned and started back down the sidewalk.
God, he loved her. “Wendy?”
She paused and looked back at him.
“Did you bring Dolan with you?”
She smiled a knowing smile, her long earrings sparkling in the January sun. “Well of course I did.”
SURE ENOUGH, as they approached Wendy’s car, he could see his dog pounding his front paws against the passenger window, trying to get to Caleb. He couldn’t help but grin at the way Dolan’s extra long tongue smashed into the window in his exuberance.
Suddenly he realized he didn’t have to worry about what to say to Ashley for another three whole days.
Chapter Nineteen
TRAVIS CHECKED his cell a little after one. He had three messages and already felt a little guilty. When he’d left Cedar County Feed at eleven, he told Jason and Krissy he’d be back within an hour.
He should have known better. He’d promised himself he was simply going to stop by Cheryl’s, say hi, steal a quick kiss if Wesley was between appointments—if there were other people in there, he’d make up some excuse about needing to buy dog shampoo for Dunkyn and be on his way. Turned out, Wesley had a two-hour free window.
A quick kiss became an out-to-lunch sign, a locked front door, and a round of sex in the back examination room…, which then became two rounds of sex.
Dunkyn ate two rawhide bones while he waited. He was starting to like Cheryl’s.
The F-350 was pulling out of the veterinary clinic’s parking lot when the first of the messages sounded in Travis’s ear.
The high school, Caleb expelled for fighting, please call back.
Travis pulled the truck over to the side of the road. His insides grew cold.
Krissy was the second message, letting him know the school had called CCF but didn’t give any details. She also wanted to know if he would like Jason to pick him up anything from Simone’s, and to please call back quickly and say he wanted her to order from Pogo’s Pizza. She and her growing baby simply couldn’t handle another cheeseburger.
Even in Travis’s growing dread, he bristled at his new receptionist’s use of that fucking acronym. He might as well give up and change the sign on top of the building.
The last message was Wendy. She’d picked Caleb up from school and had talked to the principal. Travis didn’t need to rush home, Caleb was fine and already out with Dolan taking care of the cattle. And she didn’t want him to freak out, things would be fine, but Caleb knew.
He knew.
Somehow his son knew.
Blind panic filled him for a moment. He could go back. Undo it all.
No one would have to know.
He glanced in his rearview mirror, the clinic still visible in the distance.
If he hadn’t wanted people to know, the random visits to the clinic probably should have been more subtle.
Did you all see Travis Bennett’s truck outside Cheryl’s the other day? Yeah, it was weird. Just that truck and the yellow Miata in the lot. Yep, the one with the fag rainbow sticker on the back. There was an out-to-lunch sign on the door. For hours! What do you think was going on in there?
God, he’d been an idiot. Idiot. He was acting like a seventeen-year-old idiot, thinking with his dick and letting the stupid, giddy feelings short-circuit his brain. It had been one thing when he and Shannon had been in high school. He hadn’t been forty-two, hadn’t been a father of three—and she’d at least been a girl.
And now Caleb knew and got kicked out of school for fighting. Hmm, wonder what that was about?
Maybe it wasn’t too late. He could explain things away. He and Wesley could end things.
Or do a better job of hiding it.
Or….
He found Cheryl’s in the mirror once more. He didn’t want to end it. He’d actually been talking to Wendy about telling the kids, though the thought made him sick. His stomach churned at the idea of having that talk with the kids. He’d thought the sex talk a few years ago with Caleb had been painful. That was nothing compared to this.
So, he’d tell the kids a little sooner than he’d planned. Hell, Caleb already knew, and he was the one Travis was most worried about anyway. Problem solved.
Right, problem solved. Travis might be acting like a teenager, but he wasn’t stupid.
“SO, IS he gonna be our new mommy?”
Travis gaped at Avery. She hadn’t said anything for the entire conversation, which was unheard of. She just sat rebraiding her My Little Ponys’ tails, then handed them to Mason to tie a ribbon on the ends.
For his part, Mason had stared wide-eyed at Travis as he spoke about caring about Dr. Ryan. “Caring about”—that’s what he and Wendy had decided would be the best way to explain it to the kids. She’d tried to get him to say love. That he loved Dr. Ryan.
Considering he hadn’t even told Wesley that yet, he thought it best to avoid the L-word. The thought made him want to reconsider the possibility of going back, finding a way to undo it all.
Wendy leaned toward the girl, still keeping one hand on Caleb’s knee, where he sat beside her on the living room couch. “No, honey, even when two men lo—” She looked toward Travis, then back to the girl. “Even when two men care about each other, neither one of them becomes a mommy.”
Avery considered her aunt’s words. “Is he moving in here?”
“No, Avery. Nothing’s changing.” As Travis spoke to his daughter, he was watching Caleb. He didn’t miss the skeptical expression that crossed his son’s face. He waited for Caleb to say something. Caleb didn’t. He hadn’t said anything the entire time.
Actually, the only one who had said much at all had been Wendy.
By the time Travis had been able to force himself to man up and go home, Wendy had supper nearly ready. They’d eaten and the kids talked about their day, which meant Avery told about everything that happened to her, reducing Mason to his typical sidekick status. She’d made a couple of comments about Caleb looking strange with his broken front tooth, which she quickly stopped after Wendy threatened no dessert.
For his part, Mason seemed nearly as anxious as his father and brother. His typical, easygoing, calm demeanor was unable to disguise the tenseness he felt. He kept looking at Travis, then Caleb, then back once more.
Travis had hoped to feel some relief at telling his children about Wesley.
He didn’t.
The longer he paced the living room, the sicker he felt. He couldn’t help but feel that more than anything, he was just being confusing. What were Avery and Mason supposed to do wit
h the information that he cared for Wesley? So what? Like Avery had unintentionally alluded, maybe it would mean something if he was announcing that he and Wesley were getting married, or that they were dating, or something. What were first graders supposed to do with their father saying he cared about someone? Big deal.
This was why he hadn’t wanted to tell them yet. It was too soon. It didn’t make any sense to them.
Yeah, that was why he hadn’t wanted to tell them.
Suddenly, he made up his mind. As he spoke, Travis kept his attention focused on the twins; he didn’t want to see Caleb’s reaction. “Dr. Ry—Wesley will be here sometimes. You’ll be seeing him a lot more.” He hadn’t talked that over with Wesley. Of course, Wesley didn’t even know about the events that had happened at Caleb’s school earlier in the day.
Travis had gotten a text an hour or so ago and hadn’t responded.
“Wesley will be coming to dinner?”
At her words, Mason looked toward his sister, then back up at his dad.
If only this were about dinner. “Yes, Avery, Wesley will be coming to dinner.”
Wendy’s eyebrows rose expectantly when Travis didn’t offer any more explanation.
He could tell it was taking all her willpower to refrain from rolling her eyes.
She lost the battle, giving an exasperated look at her brother before focusing again on Avery. “Wesley will probably hang out at our house sometimes too. Maybe we can all watch movies together. Play some board games or something.”
Avery’s hopeful tone brightened. “Will he play with me with my dollhouse?”
Wendy grinned, a laugh behind her words. “Yes. I’m certain Wesley would enjoy playing with you and your dollhouse.”
Travis continued to focus away from Caleb. He definitely didn’t want to see his reaction to that.
What else was he supposed to say to his six-year-olds? What else could he say? He addressed the twins. “It’s getting close to bedtime. How about you both get in your pajamas and I’ll read you a story?”
Avery’s eyes went large. “Caleb reads us our bedtime story.”
Ouch.
Caleb didn’t look at him. “I’ll still read you the story, Avery. Go get into your pajamas.”
On their way out of the living room, Mason looked back toward his dad. “Will you tuck us in?”
“Of course, little man.”
AFTER TEETH were brushed, big brother story time enjoyed, blankets tucked in, and good-night kisses kissed, Travis found himself out in the barn with Caleb and the dogs.
The early January night was bitter. It hadn’t snowed in a few days, and the top layer was more a crackling layer of ice than the wet, heavy flakes it had originally been. Even the tree branches were covered in sparkling layers of ice. The clouds that settled in when the snow had fallen continued to linger, blocking out the stars just as they had shadowed the sun.
Travis pulled the barn door shut after Dunkyn waddled through. “Turn up the heat for a bit, okay?”
Without responding, Caleb crossed the barn floor and adjusted the thermostat behind the ladder to the loft. It had been installed a couple of years before, another kickback from the feedstore. It had alleviated the nightly check of the chickens’ water supply.
Keeping the lights dimmed, Travis walked over to the trough forming the barrier to the lean-to. He pushed away the memory of Wesley leaning against it as they’d kissed the first time. It felt strange to think of it when his son stood so close.
He’d hoped things would be more natural between them when they were alone. Though they were never overly talkative, the silence between them was always comfortable and almost soothing at times. Both men were content to simply be together and work with the animals, few words needed between them.
He balked internally at the thought as he looked over to where Caleb sat on a small bale of hay, dutifully scratching Dolan’s belly as he lay with his front legs pawing the air. Travis had just thought of Caleb as a man. Huh. When had that happened?
Long ago, probably. Way before the fine hairs on his son’s lip made the announcement. Caleb had been equal part man and father to the twins by the time he’d been ten. When Travis hadn’t been.
The boy had grown up overnight, losing his constant chattery ways the same night he lost his mother.
Travis continued to stare, transfixed by his son, seeing him in a new light though no revelation had occurred, at least none of Caleb’s making.
The boy had slept on the floor in the twins’ room for weeks after Shannon’s death. Avery and Mason had still been sharing a room at that time. In the few moments Travis had been able to focus on anything besides his own torment, the sight of Caleb’s thin form keeping watch over his brother and sister had cut through him even deeper.
Heartache over what his children had lost.
Anger at what they would have to face.
Worthlessness at his inability to be strong for them.
On one of his more lucid days, shortly after Wendy moved in, he’d taken Caleb to the breeder where Shannon had purchased Dunkyn and let him pick out a puppy.
As he watched his son lavish distracted attention on the dog, Travis thought it might have been the best decision he’d made in the past four years. As mentally limited as he might be, Dolan had saved Caleb in ways Travis would never have been able to.
Travis flinched when he realized Caleb was looking at him, watching him as he stared.
“What did you want, Dad?”
He wasn’t sure if the lack of emotion in Caleb’s words was good or not. At least he didn’t sound angry or disgusted.
He didn’t sound like anything.
What did he want? “I just wanted to tell you….”
Caleb waited, expression expectant.
“Oh, Caleb, I don’t know what I’m supposed to say.” He closed the distance between them and motioned toward the other hay bale next to Caleb. “May I sit?”
His son shrugged, turning his attention back to his dog. “Sure.”
Travis sat, feeling a thousand years old. Transitioning from feeling like a seventeen-year-old to Methuselah in a day wasn’t pleasant. Guilt weighted him down.
Guilt? Why exactly did he feel guilty? He wasn’t religious, after all. He wasn’t worried about heaven or hell. He definitely wasn’t concerned about some rules the God who’d taken Shannon away may or may not have babbled eons ago.
Still, there were more reasons outside of church walls that dictated why two men weren’t supposed to be with each other.
He wasn’t some horned-up kid in college any longer.
“I’m so sorry I caused this today.”
Caleb turned and looked at him in time to notice Travis’s motion toward his bruised face. He shrugged again. “No big deal. Dustin Jackson is a jerk. Way before Dr. Ryan moved to town.”
The name sounded vaguely familiar to Travis. Another wash of guilt flooded over him. From Caleb’s tone, there was no doubt that Travis should be much more familiar with the other boy’s name.
Before he could figure out a way to begin to remedy that situation, Caleb spoke, keeping his attention firmly trained on Dolan. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Travis opened his mouth to speak but then stopped, uncertain of what Caleb meant and not wanting to say too much. Better safe than sorry. “Tell you about what?”
“Why didn’t you tell me you liked guys?” Caleb said, still working hard to keep from looking at Travis’s face.
Oh God. How was he supposed to answer that? How much were you supposed to share with your teenage son? What damage could he do?
“Bud, I didn’t think it would be an issue.”
Caleb looked at him then, an accusing glint in his eyes. It wasn’t an expression Travis was used to seeing on his son. “You didn’t think it would be an issue with me, or you just didn’t think I’d find out?”
This was horrible. He’d rather change Cedar County Feed’s name than have this conversation. “I didn’t think
it would matter. I didn’t plan on there ever being another guy in my life like that.”
Caleb sat up straight, Dolan suddenly forgotten. “There are other guys?”
Fuck. “Not for years. Not since your mom and I got married.”
A horrified expression covered Caleb’s face. “You had a boyfriend before Mom?”
Dolan propped his front legs up on the hay bale, shoving his nose in the crook of Caleb’s arm. He went unnoticed.
“Boyfriend? No, I’ve never had a boyfriend. That’s not what we did. That’s not what I meant.”
Travis would have given anything for Caleb to look horrified again. That had been so much better than the expression he traded it for. “Ah, Dad! Gross. I so don’t want to know this.”
Travis held out his hands, whether in an act of surrender or pleading for mercy, he wasn’t sure. “Caleb, I’m doing a horrible job at this. I’m sorry. I don’t know how to explain it to you.”
Caleb’s face darkened. “Did Mom know?”
Again, what was the right answer, what would hurt Caleb the least? He wished Shannon were here; she’d know how to handle this. Maybe he should have asked Wendy to join him.
“Yeah. She knew.”
Caleb continued to stare at him. Travis felt sure he’d never forget the expression pasted on his son’s face.
“Caleb, I loved your mom. I still love your mom. I’ve never stopped and I never will. And she loved me. I couldn’t have asked for a better wife.” His throat closed, and he had to take a moment to speak again. “I miss her every second I’m awake. Hell, every second, period. Even when I’m sleeping.”
The expression on Caleb’s face changed.
He wasn’t able to identify it until he realized what Caleb was staring at. Travis wiped the tear off his cheek.
They stared at each other.
Travis couldn’t read the thoughts behind his son’s eyes, but he prayed Caleb could see how desperately Travis loved him.
