Like the lifting fog leaving behind a crystalline world, the consequences of clearing her conscience and speaking her truth were entirely in the eyes of the beholder. That was a risk she had taken on her birthday, and now she needed to heal their relationship. Mom had always told her it was not the fall others would remember but how one stood back up with conviction.
She left the house, oddly at peace. As she pulled into the driveway, her mom stepped outside and motioned for her to come in. You can do this. As Jordan came closer, it was obvious her mom’s eyes were red, but she smiled and gave Jordan a strong, heartfelt hug. Jordan gingerly stepped inside, almost feeling like a little girl again. Her mother immediately motioned toward the living room.
“No coffee today, Mom?”
“Afraid not. Instead, I’ve got water and tissues.”
Jordan had a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach. Had Darrell already contacted her?
****
Gwyneth was happy to sit. Her roiling stomach and anxiety were about to get the best of her. No matter what, she had to do this. She had to make it right.
“Honey, we haven’t been close over the years, and I’m sorry.” Tears brimmed in her eyes. “I’m also to blame for pushing us apart.”
“No, Mom. It’s not your fault.”
Gwyneth put up her hand. “Hear me out. And you know it’s going to be a long story. First, I need to tell you I love you and ask for your forgiveness.”
“Mom—”
“You’re not the only one who’s held back. There are things I never said to you the day you came out to me. Now, it’s my turn to be truthful because I haven’t been for the longest time. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, and I am so sorry.” She sniffled. “Yes, I only wanted the best for you, but I took a rigid approach that in the end made things worse. Your grades throughout school were always so high. You could have had any career, yet you were determined to be a chef.” She brushed Jordan’s cheek and gave a little smile, but her lips quivered. “When Karen died, I came down hard on you. You were falling off the deep end, and nothing seemed to be working with the psychologist. In fact, I was downright angry with you. The Culinary Institute was within your reach, and I didn’t understand how you could not get over Karen and go on with life.”
Jordan’s eyes widened, giving Gwyneth pause, but she had to go on. “Yes, even back then, I suspected. My heart broke too, but I didn’t want to see you hurt. I knew there wouldn’t be much of a life for you in Oakville. When you faltered, your dream of becoming a CIA chef and snagging a job in New York City became my dream, and I pushed you. Hard. I’m sorry. It was wrong, and I made a mistake.”
Jordan started to say something when Gwyneth gently put her fingers up to her mouth. “So, I pushed because I also wanted you to go somewhere that you’d be able to live your life and I’d see you often. A place where you had space and time to grow comfortable with who you are.” Tears now filled Gwyneth’s eyes. “And a time for me to grow comfortable with you.” She wiped her eyes, and her voice shook. “That year when you failed at CIA and came home, I just about lost it. I never shared my feelings with anyone, which only drove a wedge further between us.”
Jordan sighed. “I guess that’s something we share in common. A stubborn will to do things alone without help.”
Gwyneth smiled weakly before she broke down. Her entire body shook. Jordan tried to console her, but she sobbed hard. The roles were now reversed as Jordan carefully smoothed her mother’s hair and whispered that everything would be all right.
When Gwyneth calmed, she pushed back from Jordan’s shoulder. “I have to finish this.”
Jordan gave her a kiss and nodded.
“So, I was a basket case by the time you brought the idea of transferring to Spain. Part of me was worried I’d lose you, but by that point, you seemed better. You had a plan and laid it out perfectly. I had to let you go. When your performance and grades were stellar, I was happy but I never thought you would stay in Spain for fifteen years.”
“I’m sorry I only came home a couple of times. And I wasn’t exactly the doting daughter when you visited. I didn’t want you to know about my real life. Scheduling work to get out of being with you was done partially out of fear and partially subconsciously. I guess I’ve always used work as an excuse.”
Tears threatened to roll down Gwyneth’s cheek again. “Well, I have a shameful confession. Several actually. I never wanted to see you hurt. At the same time, I also lacked the courage to face the opinions of others. But that’s not the most shameful part of what I’ve done.” Her voice broke, and she pulled completely away from Jordan. “I hope you can forgive me for this.”
“Of course, Mom. We’ve both made mistakes.”
“Well, this one takes the cake.” She bit her lip as the tears released. “As you became more successful, I didn’t want anything to spoil your moment to shine. I could tell things weren’t perfect, but you seemed happier in Spain than here. So, when Susan first brought it to me. I just didn’t want to follow through. I—”
“Mom, I’m confused. Who is Susan and what did she bring you?”
Gwyneth took a deep breath and looked at Jordan. She knew the fear in her eyes showed, but she had to face her demons. “Susan Browne, Karen’s mom.”
Jordan’s mouth dropped, and Gwyneth saw a mixture of anxiety, surprise, and indignation in her eyes.
Gwyneth wet her lips and moved on. “When Susan was sick, she asked me to visit her. She was in home hospice care and didn’t have long. She gave me Karen’s diary and a letter.”
****
A million feelings washed over Jordan instantaneously, and she felt dizzy. The secret was like a knife plunged into her heart. When she finally got a grip, the waves had diminished, but a tinge of anger remained. After realizing she was holding her breath, she took in a gulp of air and let it out. She had to let the anger go. After all, she had done far worse. She owed it to her mother to listen and forgive.
“What was in them? Do you still have them?”
With a shaky hand, Gwyneth held out the letter. Jordan wiped tears away with a tissue and squinted at the neat but tiny handwriting.
Dear Jordan,
This is a long time coming but time is not on my side. I never really caught on that you were more to my daughter than her best friend. I’m sorry. I was blind.
Moving away never did completely heal our hearts over the tragedy. After my husband’s death, I found some unpacked moving boxes. They contained Karen’s things. Something was calling to me to open those boxes, and when I did, I found Karen’s diary.
As I read her detailed account of her love for you and the future plans and dreams you both shared, I was overcome with many emotions. None of which was anger at you or her.
It’s hard to lose your only child, and I can’t imagine how you felt. My love for her would never have wavered regardless of who she was or who she loved. And my feelings toward you would not have changed. She was such a precious daughter and so full of life whenever she was around you. And now, I know why. She wrote about your physical relationship, but none of it was dirty. It was woven with an emotional warmth that you were the only person for her, and how you made her happy.
This diary isn’t one of sadness. It’s one of joy. Take it and read it. I hope it will give you some closure to this tragedy as it did with me.
With much love,
Susan Browne
Jordan’s nose and eyes were dripping. She wouldn’t look at her mother when Gwyneth passed her the diary.
“Why did you keep this from me?”
“Honey, I’m so sorry. It was ten years ago. I agonized over giving you the diary because you were doing so well. You’d just been named Executive Chef in Madrid. I didn’t want to open old wounds. And the woman, Luciana, I didn’t want to upset your relationship, and—”
“Well, that wasn’t a perfect relationship.” Jordan let out a bitter huff. “She turned out to be a little cheating bitch.” Jordan wanted to snap her mom’s head o
ff and chew her out good, but the logical side of her brain was screaming at her. Relax. You’ve lied too. Give her a break.
“Honey, I worried your senior year of high school that you would commit suicide.” Jordan’s head pivoted. Her mom squeezed her hand. “I didn’t want to throw you back into that chaos. When you came home to open the restaurant, you seemed to have everything together. Well, except you were glued to work.”
“Yep, I always did use school or work as a drug to ease my pain.” And you always read me better than I thought.
“I meant it when I wished you and Emmy happiness. She’s good for you. There is a light that shines in your eyes that hasn’t been there since back when you were young. And there’s playful mischief in your smile that I haven’t seen since your time with Karen. As for my selfishness of worrying about others’ opinions, I let that go several years back, but I was too scared and didn’t know what to say. That’s my sin. Not coming to you and speaking the truth. I was on the verge of telling you when you decided to”—Gwyneth chuckled, her tone playful—“shock everyone into reality at your birthday.” She clasped Jordan’s hand. “You’re my only daughter. Please forgive me.”
Jordan squeezed her eyes closed and pinched the bridge of her nose. She took in deep breaths. As she released each one, she shook slightly trying to keep her emotions from exploding.
“Honey, say something. Yell at me if you want, but please say something.”
Jordan clenched her jaw. She willed herself to continue. “I forgive you, and I forgive myself.” She swallowed hard and opened her eyes. “Today seems a big day for bearing our souls.” Her heart pounded, and tears welled up. “There’s more to the accident than you know. I saw Karen die, but I couldn’t help her.” She turned away and placed her hand over her eyes and nose to stifle the cries, but nothing could stop the awful heart-wrenching sound.
“Oh, honey.”
Jordan rested in her mother’s arms and finally told the story of the terrible day on the river. They clung to each other for what seemed like an eternity. The physical comfort relayed the love they had so many times not vocalized.
****
Instead of going home right away, Jordan drove to the mountain lookout. This time she sat on the hood of her SUV. There was little wind. The fog was gone, and the sun beat down warming the cold terrain.
She had always been fearful of bigoted people causing possible harm to herself and her business. Now, she realized her worst fear had always been worry of losing the love of her family and friends. With her greatest fear behind her, she could move on.
Tomorrow, Emmy would leave for Scotland. She trusted and loved her but wished the timing was better. Jumping down, she picked up a stick and threw it out over the cliff. She’d come here to reflect and enjoy the beauty, and she hoped with all her heart that Emmy would stay with her and share the magic of these mountains.
Chapter Twenty-seven
They were both exhausted from the events. What a week. While Emmy was in the shower, Jordan left a short note before setting out to the grocery store. She wanted to fix Emmy a special breakfast before driving her to Dulles International Airport. She also needed some time alone to clear her head.
Strolling down the aisles, Jordan selected fresh vegetables for her favorite quiche recipe. While debating on buying ingredients for cinnamon rolls, she had an odd feeling and turned around. An older woman cradling a baby and a young woman were scrutinizing her with deep frowns.
The older woman spoke first. “You should be ashamed of yourself bringing sin down on your family. Poor Gerry. I don’t care if that English woman influenced you or not. You should have the backbone and the faith in God to do the right thing. You didn’t, and I have no sympathy for you. You’re a disgusting lesbian, and you’ll never amount to anything. Repent, or you’ll never get out of Hades.”
The young woman spat more venomous words. “You’re not a Christian. You’re an abomination. Have you even read the bible?”
The words stunned Jordan. As hurt and fear surged through her, somehow she replied with steadiness. “Ladies, you should reexamine your faith. God and Jesus taught love. Religious freedom guarantees you the right to practice your faith. It does not give you the right to impose your beliefs on me or anyone else. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to check out.”
The women blocked Jordan’s moves and spat out more hatred. Another woman pushing a cart filled to the brim arrived with two young teenage girls. This woman said, “Excuse me but isn’t your granddaughter born out of wedlock?”
Jordan noticed the irate woman with the baby flinch. “That has nothing to do with this. Josh was in the army. They were going to get married, but he’s in Afghanistan now. They’re normal people. She is—”
“You’re a hypocrite. You should go home and think about ways to improve your life instead of knocking down others. You have no right to judge someone else.”
“I am a Christian who cares about values—”
The woman with the two teenagers cut her off in a loud, clear voice. “I want my family to be around people who are decent, honest, and fair. Who they choose to love does not define them nor does it make them evil. You, on the other hand, are a narrow-minded, self-righteous, blow horn!”
The irate woman’s shrill response bordered on screaming. “I can’t believe you are setting such a poor example in front of your children. She”—the woman pointed at Jordan while clinching the baby—“is not decent. Her sinful fornication—”
The woman abandoned the cart and stepped into the hateful woman’s face. Her voice remained loud and clear. “What two consenting adults do in their bedroom is none of anyone’s business. Jordan is an amazing person who doesn’t deserve your hate. Hate is a sin. I suggest you go home and pray for God to put love back into your heart.”
The woman gasped. “What in sweet Jesus is this world coming to?”
“Their senses,” the kind woman replied. The two surly women huffed and stormed off.
Jordan smiled at the woman’s snappy retort. “Thank you for the support. It’s not every day that a stranger comes to the aid of others.”
She smiled. “It’s been a long time, Jordan. I’m Allison from high school days. These are my daughters Kate and Suzie.”
The girls politely stepped forward and shook Jordan’s hand. “Pleased to meet you.”
“Allison from library club?”
“Yep. You haven’t changed much. I’ve lost a lot of weight and changed my hair color.”
“You look great.”
Allison grinned. “Thanks. I got married after college, and we moved to upstate New York for my husband’s job. We’ve been back about a month and haven’t settled in yet.”
Jordan’s grin broadened. “You helped me with English, and I helped you with chemistry and math.”
“That’s right. You also came to my defense a lot when I was bullied because of my weight. Thank you. You made a big difference in my life, and I do think you are an amazing person. And speaking of amazing, the reviews of your restaurant say the food is spectacular. We are planning on going soon. Of course, it’s going to screw up my exercise routine, but life’s short. I think I can handle some cheating every now and then with an occasional dessert.”
“Join us anytime. Your first family meal will be on me.”
“Oh my, that’s gracious of you, but my son and husband could likely eat enough to cost you a small fortune.”
“Please, I insist.” Emmy pulled out a card and scribbled a note with her cell and her signature on the back. “This will take care of the bill if I’m not around.”
After exchanging phone numbers, they parted, and Jordan made her way to the busy checkout. The cashier began ringing up the groceries but made a mistake. As they stood waiting for a manager to arrive and fix the problem, Jordan saw the tattoo down her right forearm. In bold black letters it said, “Let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth” ending with “1 John 3:18” in smaller pr
int.
Jordan’s attention broke when an elderly woman came up. The white-haired woman wore a necklace with a large crucifix. Jordan said a silent prayer, Lord, please let me get out of this store without anymore drama.
When Jordan looked back, the cashier said, “Don’t let those bible-thumping hypocrites get under your skin. You know there are lots of good people around here. Lots of good Christians. Not everyone may understand or agree but there’s no need for those ugly words. Sorry, I’m not smiling. My husband just left me for a nineteen-year-old.”
Jordan’s mouth dropped and she mumbled, “I’m so sorry.”
The cashier began ringing up the groceries again after the register problem was fixed. But she continued to talk. “I’m sure he was screwing around with her long before then. She was our babysitter. Now that’s sick. A married man twice her age using her for his own selfish gain. He messed up everyone’s life because he lacks courage, dignity, and common sense to do the right thing.”
Jordan couldn’t believe how long the loud woman rattled on without seeming to care who heard. People from other lanes were looking in their direction. When the cashier was about to finish ringing up the last of Jordan’s groceries, she began again. “The congregation hardly said anything about him. A few were involved in a rumor that I ignored my husband and deserved it. Can you imagine if that had been me cheating? They would have strung me up on the nearest tree. So, I’m going to a new church.” As the transaction was completed, the cashier slammed her cash drawer and grabbed Jordan’s hand while giving her the receipt. Her eyes were a mixture of anger and sadness. “I love God, but people who pretend they are the judge and jury need to shut their mouths and fix their own damn lives. So, brush it off.” She pointed her finger to stress the next statement. “If you love her and she’s worth it, hold your ground and don’t let them drag you into their game.”
The tiny old woman behind Jordan finally spoke. “Sounds like good advice to me.” Jordan nodded and fortunately there were no more comments.
Falling for Love Page 20
