by P. Jameson
Fuck. She was going to be sick. The idea of hurting him felt like acid on her insides.
“Lex, this isn’t a good idea.” His smile faded. “Not right now. I—“
“I know. I know it all. I’m a distraction. I’m not submissive. You don’t have time for this. You want me to surrender all power. You want to play by rules I can’t hope to abide by. I know. But…” He cradled her face, gently sweeping his thumb across her blushed cheek. “I’m yours,” he whispered, his voice breaking with emotion. “And I desperately want you to be mine. I want to hold you through the night and wake up kissing you. I want to share hopes and secrets and dreams.” His smile returned, carefully, and it rubbed her heart so raw it must be bleeding. “I want so many strings that no one can ever separate us. We… we don’t have to be alone anymore.”
Why did his declaration scare her so fucking much? Why was she rooted to her spot, unable to move, and terrified that if she didn’t, there would never be another chance?
She wanted to cling to the hope in his eyes. To believe this could work. But he saw what she couldn’t hide. The hesitation. The uncertainty. The fear.
He pulled away, trying to cover his hurt by looking anywhere but at her. Slowly, as if someone had pressed the slo-mo button on her life, she watched him walk to the couch and pick up his baseball cap.
His voice came out strained. “I’m going to stay in my own cabin until after the challenge. You’re right, you need to focus. But… think about what I said. Okay? And… if you don’t want the same thing, I’ll leave you alone.” He let out a sad laugh as he stalked to the door. “You have my word, you won’t need to cross an ocean to get away from me.”
When he was gone, Avan sank to the floor and let every emotion she’d bottled up beat her to a pulp inside. When morning came, she still didn’t have an answer. But one thing was for sure: meeting Lexar had changed the course of her life. For better or for worse.
Chapter Nine
Shit. Shit.
He’d come on too strong. He laid all his cards out for her to see. Everything. But it was too soon. He’d seen it in her eyes, the fight or flight instinct rising.
He was a danger. Or rather what he suggested was dangerous. A relationship of meaning. She fought it as hard as she fought any opponent.
After settling into his new place—which wasn’t hard since he’d only packed a couple night’s worth of stuff—he went for a run to clear his head. Shifting and letting his animal take over for a while was exactly what he needed. As he ran through the night forest, the brisk air ruffled his fur. It was slightly warmer here compared to Ravendale land. A human wouldn’t notice, but his wolf detected the change.
His wolf made sense of a lot of things. In fact, what Lexar thought was a problem, was all very cut and dry according to the animal.
It was simple. Tandy being a shade left the wolf floundering. Tandy denying him—not that he blamed her, she didn’t hold the same customs as he did—left him desolate, aching. With Avan, he’d simply found the ache that matched his. Together, they’d cancel everything out. Their souls would heal.
They’d never be intended mates. But they would be intentional mates.
If she accepted him.
The days dragged by, and the nights even more so. Lexar spent them tossing and turning, wondering if his new alpha was thinking about him. Did thoughts of him keep her up all night?
His days were spent with her, as her personal guard, which made the nights even harder when they came. But even though they’d been near each other, there was very little talking. He was giving her space. Like she needed.
Today was the day she’d fight Raden. Five days since he’d declared his intentions and to Lexar, it felt more like five months. Five years, if it was nighttime.
He knocked on her cabin door and waited for her to answer. Her disheveled look gave him a teeny ounce of satisfaction.
“Sleep well?” he asked softly, following her inside.
“Like a baby,” she smirked.
“Liar.”
He watched every move as she started a kettle for tea.
“How about you? Do you like your cabin?”
“Fucking love it.”
The side of her mouth eased up. She was so damn beautiful.
“Liar.”
He sat in silence while she made them each a steaming cup. Lexar wasn’t much for tea, but he’d drink stone soup if she made it for him.
Avan settled on the stool beside him. She was close enough he could feel the heat from her body. He wanted to touch her in some way. Hold her hand. Wrap his arm around her waist. But they’d gone from no boundaries to federal penitentiary practically overnight.
He gripped his mug harder instead.
“So… you wanna know why I have rules?”
Her sudden serious topic of conversation threw him. They hadn’t spoken of anything other than pack stuff since the night he left.
“Sure.”
“Ozarka is fucked up. You know this. Jax is the only alpha I’ve ever known. Many of my people don’t remember a time he wasn’t wielding his power.”
She spoke calmly, as if she was telling a bedtime story.
“He did things that were so very… wrong. But not only that, he let others do them too. Don’t get me wrong, there are good people here, but there are plenty who aren’t. Even worse, there are people who don’t know what they’re doing is wrong. Males have been told it’s their right to take something that isn’t theirs. Females have been told it’s their obligation to fulfill physical needs. It’s worse for those who aren’t mated.”
A slow chill worked its way up Lexar’s spine.
“There’s hardly a personal freedom that hasn’t been trampled on in this place.” She shook her head, staring into her cup, running her finger along the rim. “When I was young… and even into my adulthood…” She hesitated, then found his eyes. “People took things from me. Things I didn’t want to give. You understand?”
Lexar’s wolf roared inside. He wanted justice. He’d hunt them all down and rip off their nuts and make them eat them. No one would escape him. Fucking bastards.
He felt himself nod. Didn’t trust himself to speak.
Avan continued. “But I learned how to say no. And when they didn’t listen, well… I learned how to fight back. I made them listen. Made it where I’d never be ignored. For a long time, I needed complete control of any situation that had to do with my body. So I made my rules, and I stuck by them, and they never failed me.” Her gaze flicked back to him. “Until now.”
Lexar fumed. “Who did this to you?”
Avan frowned. “That’s not the point—“
“Who?” he barked.
Slowly, she stood so they were face to face. Her hand came up to rest on his cheek, and her touch was like rain from the heavens on a parched day. “Who they are doesn’t matter because I ripped their fucking throats out,” she said with all the ferocity of a fly. She wasn’t riled in the least. While he was barely holding in his fury. “Now, I need you to listen to what I’m saying. My rules don’t work now because they’re keeping me from what I want.”
Lexar’s mouth went dry. He stared into her eyes, searching for any clue to her feelings. “What… what is it you want, alpha?”
Her face turned utterly vulnerable. “I don’t know,” she whispered, her voice reedy. “I just know that I want to be happy. And I’m not right now.” She pressed her forehead to his, and he knew how much the confession cost her. She was independent. Responsible for her own well-being and happiness. Admitting she wanted more was like admitting personal failure.
He could sense her rapid heartbeat, she was so close. If he inhaled when she exhaled, they’d breathe the same air.
“I want to believe the things you said. I want to believe that we can work. But when I think about it, really think about it, I don’t see a way. How, Lex? How do we make this work? Our dominant wolves, a possibility of more challenges, a pack that is broken nearly beyond
repair, traitors within the ranks… there’s just so much shit. How can I believe that the one bright spot in my vision won’t burn out?” She squeezed her eyes closed. “How do I hold on to you?”
Lexar reached for her hand, threading their fingers together. He looked at them. His dark ones curled around her light ones. Nothing had ever looked so right. Connected. It was how they were supposed to be. If they could just stay connected, this would work.
They’d have to work for it. Actively seek the bond. He’d have to give where she wouldn’t—couldn’t—and she’d have to do the same, but if they both wanted this bad enough… nothing could fucking stop them. That’s what Cael and Besh taught him.
“If you want something bad enough, you fight for it,” he said, carefully. “That’s why you’re being challenged for your position, and it’s why you accept the challenge. It’s the same with anything else. We will make this work because we want it to, and we’ll fucking fight for it, Avan. We’ll protect it. Nurture it. We aren’t the first of our kind to have an unconventional relationship. And we sure as hell won’t be the last. But… you have to want it, baby.”
She swallowed, and he could smell her tears even though not a drop of liquid fell. Her nails dug into the back of his neck. Her struggle was internal. She was battling herself, and there wasn’t a damn thing he could do to help her. He wanted to kiss her until she fucking broke. Until she couldn’t see any other choice but him. But, no. This decision had to be her own.
“I do,” she squeezed out, all the breath leaving her at once. Like the invisible bands suffocating her were busted open with those two simple words, allowing her to breathe easy.
His hands slid to her hips, bringing her closer. His thumb slipped under the hem of her tiny shirt, relishing the softness of her skin over hard muscle.
Avan nodded, her eyes swimming with emotion. “I do.” Lexar’s heart fucking beat for that expression on her face. Everyone else could have her tough-as-shit stone-faced front. He’d take this softer side. It would be his alone. Their secret.
Lexar buried his face in her neck, inhaling her scent. Mine. The relief he felt was nearly overwhelming. Tears poked at the back of his eyes, and he had to bite his tongue to keep them from bursting free.
Her hands cradled his head as he nuzzled her neck, slowly dragging his lips across her skin.
“I want you to break me,” she whispered, desperation lacing her words. “Take me over. Love me with your body, without the handcuffs and rules and... fuck, everything. Rip it all away so it’s just us. I need that. I want to be different when you’re done. Irreversibly changed.”
Lexar lifted his head to find her lips. He pried her mouth open with his, kissing his promise to her. He would do exactly what she wanted. He’d make her his, and then there would be no turning back for either of them.
He stood abruptly, lifting her into his arms. Her eyes objected, instinctively wanting to deny him this, but he flashed her a challenging look, and she nodded. It was her turn to submit.
In the bedroom, he set her down and carefully began stripping off her clothes. First, her tiny excuse for a shirt. The fucking thing barely contained her generous breasts. When they bobbed free, he took a second to stop and stare.
Fuck. Just… fuck.
Last time he hadn’t been able to touch them, and he was too out of his mind with lust to remember how fuck-me amazing they were.
Lexar curled his hand around her throat, gently massaging the side with his thumb before sweeping downward over her collarbone, between the two pink tipped mounds to the waistband of her pants.
He wouldn’t touch those jewels until she was completely bared to him. He wanted to invade her, overwhelm her, and to do that, he needed complete access to her body. Nothing between them.
He yanked her pants down, hard, earning a gasp of surprise. She hadn’t seen this side of him. He’d submitted to damn near everything last time.
“Step,” he commanded, and she obeyed, kicking free of her pants and the tiny lace underwear that accompanied them.
Lexar stood, taking in the sight of her. He was rock hard and aching already, but this was going to happen slowly. He was taming a wild beast. He was domesticating an alpha. He was claiming her, and he had to make sure she was with him every step of the way.
He touched the tip of his finger to her belly button and drew a line around her waist as he circled her. A predator, testing his prey.
“I have a few rules of my own,” he murmured.
“What rules?” she bit out.
At her back, he removed his own shirt, and popped the button on his jeans, lowering the zipper to relieve the pressure on his cock.
“First,” he murmured into her ear while pressing his body against her naked back. “If something feels good, you moan. The louder you moan, the better I reward you.”
His hungry hands found her lower belly and stroked down, absently brushing over the scrap of hair there.
She gasped.
“Moan, I said.”
She whimpered.
“We’ll work on that one. Rule number two: when I’m inside you, Avan, fucking you, you look me in the eyes. You don’t close them. You don’t look away. I want to see everything. Every joy and insecurity. Every ounce of pleasure I give you. Every doubt you have. It belongs to me in that moment, and you will give it to me. Understand?”
Her breath rushed in and out, but she nodded. He nipped her ear, wanting a firmer commitment.
“Yes,” she rushed out.
“Rule number three,” he said, stepping back around. He lowered himself to his knees before her. Her eyes followed him down, hungry and curious. “I want a mating ceremony.”
Avan frowned. “But…”
“We fight for this. We make it official, and we never ever let anyone take it away.” He swallowed hard. “We make it forever.”
She blinked, as if trying to clarify his words. “But the mating ceremony can’t be undone. There would be no going back. Ever.”
Lexar stood to his feet so she wouldn’t mistake his next words. “That’s exactly why I want it. All-in or nothing, baby. We fight for us.”
She set her jaw, determination making her stand a bit taller. “We fight for us,” she said, nodding. “And we win that motherfucker. Win it hard.”
Chapter Ten
Avan felt the greatest burden lift from her shoulders as Lexar’s mouth crashed into hers. He tackled her to the bed, and she moaned at the luxurious weight of his body pressing down on her.
“That’s my girl,” he murmured, dancing his hands along her ribs and finding her swollen breast. She gave him another moan as his large hand covered her flesh and squeezed. “So good. That’s so good, baby.”
She agreed. His touch was like fire and ice at the same time. Home, and an adventure. Relief, and torture. Dear god, she’d missed out these past five days. She could have had this the entire time.
Lexar bent his head to her chest, running his nose in a circle around her nipple. His tongue darted out to lick the hard nub, and she let out a helpless sound.
“Hmm,” he groaned. “You taste like candy. Should I suck it, alpha?” He grazed it with the tip of his finger and her hips spasmed as a result. Mother. Fucker. “Should I take it between my lips and suck it hard, like a sweet piece of candy. Until you mewl like a baby kitten? Huh?”
Shit. No one had ever talked to her like this before. It was exhilarating. And if he didn’t do something soon, she was going to burst.
“Yes! God. Fuck. Yes.”
She looked down in time to see his wicked smile before his luscious full lips closed around her. He sucked and tapped with his tongue until her breath became chops of oxygen. A misshapen rhythm she didn’t even want to fix. Delicious pressure built between her legs. She sawed them together for a bit of relief.
All this, and he’d only just touched one breast. Fucking hell, she was done for.
Lexar lifted his head. “My baby need more? Let’s see.” He spread he
r thighs with one hand. His touch was gentle as he moved closer to her center, testing her arousal. The slide of his fingers made her aware of just how wet she was. “Fuck,” he said, the teasing tone gone from his voice. “I can’t…”
And before she could guess at what he was going to do, he grabbed her thighs, pulled her to the edge of the bed, and then sank his face between her legs. The first lick of his tongue was glorious, drawing a desperate moan from the back of her throat. The second one sent her so close to the edge, she reached for his head to stop any further movement. Then he latched on with his whole mouth.
“Shit. Lex,” she panted. But the lick suck combination was more than she could take, and she toppled over the ledge, screaming his name.
His mouth left her while she was still floating on an orgasm, and the next thing she knew, he was standing between her legs, his dark cock poised at her entrance.
“I need to take you hard first,” he murmured, his gaze zeroed in on her core. “Then soft. Gotta mark you. Claim you. Mine. All fucking mine.” His wolf was close, and doing all the talking. Her own animal chuffed, practically lifting her tail for him. Damn, this was so right.
Lexar spread her legs wide, pushing in hard. She gasped at the beautiful invasion, and he paused only a second to allow her body to adjust. Then he thrust, his hips meeting hers in a furious rhythm.
As the pressure built, Avan’s eyes drifted closed on a rapturous moan.
“Eyes,” Lexar barked, thrusting harder. She’d broken rule number two. And damn, he was sexy as hell when he was dominating her. Made her want to break more rules.
She opened her eyes to stare into his golden ones. They were hot as a brand with their determination to please her… and their demand that she comply.
Mine. Her wolf was desperate to claim him. My man, my wolf. Mine. Mine. Mine…
“Mine… mine… mine…” she whimpered. With every push of his body against hers, she became more delirious with pleasure.
His gaze traveled down to her bouncing chest. His jaw clenched tight, causing the vein in his neck to bulge. Avan reached up to pinch her nipples between her fingers.
