by Marie Medina
“And this is dignified to you? Put me down!”
A firm hand on his ass silenced Vane.
“Not happening. If you call for help, people will come running and then even more folks will see you being manhandled by your mate.”
Vane stopped struggling. It was the first time Arion had referred to himself that way. “I’ll walk. Just put me down.” Any moment now, his cock was going to be pressing against Arion’s chest. He’d been too weak to become aroused yesterday, but today he’d definitely felt a few stirrings.
Arion’s hand slid lightly over his ass. “I have your word?”
“Yes.”
Arion set him on his feet and sighed. “Pity. I was enjoying our little game.” He offered his arm to Vane, an odd look on his face. He wasn’t exactly smiling, but he didn’t appear displeased. His eyes looked a bit dreamy, as if his mind was drifting to something else.
“You said this wasn’t a game. That you wouldn’t toy with me.”
“That’s true. But I can be … very playful. I was too shy and wary all those years ago for you to discover that.” Arion took Vane’s arm pointedly. “But now we have lots of time.”
“You don’t have to help me. I’m much steadier,” Vane said as they walked down the hall.
“I didn’t expect you to object to me touching you like this. I imagined you’d welcome every touch, but maybe I was flattering myself.”
“That’s not what I’m objecting to. I just meant you don’t have to.” Vane grasped the railing as they went down the back stairs, his head swimming a moment.
“Yes, I do. You’ve been in bed too long.” Arion sighed. “I wish I’d just carried you. Can’t have you bossing me around when it’s so obvious I know what’s best for you.”
Vane kept silent as they passed through a busier part of the castle. Everyone watched them while trying very hard to look busy. When they arrived at a cart parked by the west side of the castle, Arion helped him up into the seat and then grinned at him. “Nothing to say?”
Vane shrugged. He hadn’t wanted to continue their conversation where people could overhear, but he didn’t feel like discussing that either. “Just getting used to you. I’ve had a very different idea of you in my head for so long.”
Arion got into the driver’s seat and took the reins. Once they were away from the castle, he said, “Have you thought of me so often that it’s hard to get used to the man I’ve grown into?”
“I thought of you every single day. Probably idealized you. Maybe even changed you a bit in my mind. It has been a long time.”
“Hmmm.”
When Arion said nothing further, Vane asked, “What? You don’t believe me?”
“No. I believe you. Most every day I’ve tried not to think of you.” He guided the horses over the curvy dirt path that would take them to Locke’s cabin. “Just remember that you aren’t the only one with reason to fear more pain.”
Vane truly hadn’t ever thought of it that way. He’d always imagined Arion would keep away out of anger, not fear of pain. He didn’t say anything else, and they moved through the woods in silence. It felt like those twenty years still separated them, even though they were close enough to touch each other.
Chapter Five
Arion stood at the long table washing his dishes in the water basin. He’d struggled the entire day to get Vane to talk to him. While Arion didn’t want to go back to the fighting they’d been doing before, he felt as if something had changed as they set out for the cabin. The spot was beautiful, and the cabin itself was cozy. It seemed the perfect spot for two people to be alone and reconnect. But Vane hardly looked at him. Arion dried his dishes and checked the water bucket. Slinging it over one arm and hefting the basin with both hands, Arion walked over to the door and stopped. There were two private bedrooms, but the rest of the cabin consisted of one large room. Vane sat by the fire on the southern side of the cabin, while the kitchen and eating area were on the other side. Arion couldn’t stand the silence any longer.
“Would you open the door for me? I need to dump this dirty water and draw some more from the well,” Arion said.
Vane got up without saying a word and opened the door for him. Arion exited and turned to say something, but Vane had already closed the door. Arion sighed and dumped the water, leaving the basin by the cabin. He drew water from the well and filled the bucket again. After opening the door and setting the bucket inside, he went back for the basin and then closed the door behind him. He put the basin back in its place on the long table against the far wall and dipped out a cup of water for Vane.
“Here.” Arion held it out to him.
“I’m fine.”
“You told me how much vampires need water. Drink it.”
Vane looked up at him. “I have a castle full of servants. You shouldn’t have to be doing any of this.”
“Drink and we’ll talk about it.”
Vane sighed and took the water, downing it right away.
Arion set the cup aside and pulled a chair up close to the one Vane sat in. “And now you need blood.”
“I’m not an infant who has to be on a certain feeding schedule.”
Frustrated, Arion took out the small blade he’d put in his boot. With a flick of his wrist, he sliced his palm. Holding it up to Vane, he said, “You can’t just let me bleed. Heal it at least.”
Vane snatched his hand and lapped up the blood pooled there, healing the wound quickly. His eyes went red as he bit Arion’s wrist and drank deep. Arion had imagined he might get used to the sensation, but it grew more sensual each time. He understood how humans and vampires alike could become addicted, and above all he saw more clearly why most fated mates found it hard to reject the mate bond. Once he’d healed that wound, Vane released Arion and looked away.
Arion said, “What are you thinking right now? You changed when I told you I’d been just as scared of being hurt again as you’d been. I thought that would give us more common ground. Did you really think it was all so one-sided? All the anger and pride were mine while you alone were left with pain and grief?”
Vane finally looked over at him. “I never imagined you’d be afraid to return. Just assumed you hated me.”
“Hate? No, I never hated you.” Arion sat back in his chair. “But I thought for damn sure you’d get over me. Forget me. You could have anyone you wanted. Didn’t you take lovers?”
“No, but I have been with one person since we last saw each other.”
Arion waited, but Vane didn’t say more. He sat there wringing his hands and staring down as if he expected some sort of retaliation.
“Vane, it wasn’t cheating. I left you, remember? We were never truly even together. You look as if you think I’m going to strike you. One person in two decades? That’s nothing.”
“I’ve always been ashamed of it. Never told anyone.”
He didn’t care what Vane had done over the years, but it seemed as if the vampire needed to get this off his chest. “Will telling me make you feel better?”
“I don’t know.”
“Then try. You can see I’m not angry.”
Vane looked up and eventually focused on Arion. “I was visiting the king. A servant came in while I was bathing. His name was Hart, and apparently he’d noticed that I seemed lonely. That’s what he said anyway as he undressed and got into the water with me. It had been ten years since you’d left, and I couldn’t help the way I reacted when he kissed me. It felt so good to be touched, to touch him. He stayed with me all night.”
“You shared pleasure with a partner who sounds like he was very willing. Why are you ashamed? You owed me nothing.”
“I felt disloyal to you despite your rejection of the mate bond, but that’s not the only thing. When he left me at dawn, he kissed me and said he hoped that our night had helped me forget.”
Why would that bother Vane? “But that seems like a very kind thing to say.”
“I made love to him countless times, and he knew I was thinking of anoth
er. I felt like a monster.”
“But it was consensual. And I’m sure it was good for him. He made it clear from the start why he’d come to you. And that’s the most important part—he came to you. He initiated your night together.” Arion sat forward. “I’d count it as a beautiful memory. I wasn’t there, but seems to me he wished to comfort you. Or perhaps just to share the night with you. Some people can have those kinds of sexual encounters and be fine with them.”
“I’ve struggled with it for years. I feel like I used him.”
“Doesn’t sound like he felt used. Not at all.”
Vane eyed him. “You’ve really been with no one?”
“Not beyond a kiss or a few touches. I met women I liked and began courtships, but I could never commit. To a relationship or to sex.” Arion shifted in his seat again. “I have looked at men differently. Never been with one, though. Or even kissed one besides you.”
“But why?”
“Why? Do you not believe that I’m simply not that interested in sex? Nothing against it, but my own hand serves well enough every now and then.”
Vane’s jaw twitched as he studied Arion. “Every now and then?”
“Once a month maybe. When I’m feeling a bit wound up.”
“Oh.”
Arion decided to clear the air instead of dancing around the issue. “To answer the question you won’t ask, if things go well, there will be sex. If I start to feel more than friendship for you, I’ll want to express it physically.”
“Express it physically? You sound like you’re explaining sex to a child.”
“Fine then. If we can get past all of this bullshit, I’ll throw you down on the bed and fuck you until you scream my name a dozen times.”
Vane went still. “Excuse me?”
Arion stood up and went over to Vane, kneeling before his chair. “You heard me. I’m a grown man. I don’t need to have had a string of lovers to know how to take you. You know you’d be completely at my mercy if I carried you to bed right now.”
Vane swallowed, gripping the arms of the chair tightly. “How did we get from seeing what happens, as you put it, to you doing that to me?”
“It’s obvious what I said worried you. I just want it to be clear that our relationship wouldn’t be a chaste one. I’ve no problem with being with a man. Not anymore.” Arion shook his head. “Vane, I was twenty years old and had just lost my mother. I was a wide-eyed boy exploring the world. A boy who’d never been able to make a girl come, to be honest. Do you not see how exotic and worldly you were to me? I was terrified.”
“You were no boy. You were a strong, beautiful man.”
“I felt awkward around you. You move so gracefully. Still do, even weak as you are.”
“I’m not that weak right now.” Vane gestured to Arion’s chair. “Please, don’t keep kneeling on the floor like that.”
Arion stood and stoked the small fire a bit before sitting down. They sat for a while, and then Vane broke the silence. “Did Ash tell you what happened after you left?”
“He certainly alluded to you having some kind of breakdown. I didn’t push for details because it seemed to make him sad. Make him worry. He was already stressed enough.”
“No, I meant the bandits and everything.”
Arion nodded. “He said you sent them to the mines. Had the rapist castrated.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “And you made some sort of speech. Held a special session with the trial master or something.”
“Yes, that was a kind of local reform. The laws themselves are clear enough, but we tried to change things at lower levels. The magistrates and people like that. I wanted people to see action, see that I was never going to be like the lord before me. My steward back then made a point of referring to my actions with you as too rash and highhanded. He never really said anything about you being my mate again. He was … rather formal. Probably thought it wasn’t his place.”
Arion nodded as he took all of this in. “Your steward now seems nice.”
“He is. I’d be lost without him. And his fiancée.”
Glad to have Vane talking so freely, he asked, “And your speech?”
“Jana’s idea. Encouraged by my steward. She requested a meeting, and at first I refused. I missed you. And I didn’t want to see her. I felt guilty that she’d been hurt in my castle, a place where she should’ve been very safe, and I was angry about what her accusation had done.” He met Arion’s gaze. “I was constantly thinking about all of the things you’d said, and it made me a bit bitter.”
“I understand. I expected it might happen.”
“She asked a second time, and I agreed. She showed so much remorse and wanted to make it right. We waited a few more days.” Vane pointed to his face. “She had one bruise that took a while to fade, and she wanted people to listen to her words, not gawk.”
“It went well?”
“Yes. I think people felt better hearing me be so honest and admit a mistake. I rambled a little—honestly, she was far more eloquent than I was. Probably because she just said what she felt while I’d been agonizing over what to say. Some still said harsh things about both of us now and then, but it did some good.”
“I’m glad.”
“She told me about you agreeing to see her before you left. I almost couldn’t believe it. That was extremely gracious of you.”
“I almost didn’t go. But I’m glad I did. It didn’t change things, but rejecting the family’s apology wouldn’t have done anyone any good.” Arion looked out the window and sighed. “Forgiveness is always the better way.”
“Locke said I needed to give you a chance to forgive me.”
“I heard.”
“He didn’t know, of course, that you’d already forgiven me all those years ago. I never told anyone because I thought they’d try to get me to break my promise.”
Arion tilted his head. “And?”
“I’m still struggling with that. I really was such a coward. Too scared of what others would think. Too scared to put my faith in you even though I’d spent days praising you for being a good man. And too scared to face you in the dungeon. You were right. So right. I left you there to stew in worry and fear. I was selfish. You forgiving me right away sent me into shock, I think. Looking back, I don’t know how I survived.”
“And I meant it. I did forgive you right away. I knew you were in an odd position. If you’ll trust me now, it need never be a problem again.”
“How can you say that?”
Arion threw his hands up. “How can you sit there dwelling on the past? While we can’t erase the pain, we’ve established that I forgave you. And you’ve forgiven me. Let’s move on.”
“But move on to what? Are you here to accept the mate bond or just see what it’s like to be with me?”
“I’m here to save your life. Why can’t it be that simple? If more comes, then it comes.”
“How can it come if we don’t settle things?”
Arion laughed. “Vane, do you know how many conversations we’re likely to have about those few days together? About what happened? About how it affected us both? If we have to wait for all that, I’ll die before we’ve settled things.”
Vane gripped the chair arms so tightly that he broke one. “Then what are you saying? Just tell me what you want!” He loosened his grip and let the broken arm clatter to the floor.
Arion thought of all the things he could say. He imagined sweeping Vane into his arms and taking him to bed. He imagined kissing him and then walking away. He thought of taking Vane into his arms and simply holding him. The vampire looked close to tears, and letting them flow might help them both. It would feel good to comfort Vane, and he almost did it.
Instead of doing any of those things, he held his hand out to Vane. When Vane wouldn’t take it, Arion reached out and grabbed his hand. “I swear this by the blood of my people. Not sure people really do that anymore, but I’ve got to get you to believe me somehow. I’m here to save your life because I d
on’t want you to die. I don’t even want to think about what it would’ve been like if a vampire had come to find me to inform me of your death. I’m here right now. Twenty years ago, you thought a few days would be enough to move past what happened. Get back to that mindset. Quit being a martyr and acting like the past can’t be overcome. Your lack of faith in me then was part of the problem. Constantly doubting me now is the same thing.” He released Vane’s hand. “There. That’s my grand speech. Your turn.”
Vane picked up the broken chair arm and twirled the wood in his hands. He licked his lips and said, “I have no idea how to reply to that. At least, not in a way that won’t involve begging and making a fool of myself.”
“Really? And what would you be begging for?”
“I’d rather not say just yet.”
Arion stood up. “Think on it then. I’m going for a walk. I won’t go far so call if you need anything.” He gestured to the arm. “And I can probably fix that tomorrow.”
Vane blinked at that but said nothing, as if he feared now to doubt anything Arion said. He set the arm on the little table to the left of the fire.
Arion gave a smile that he hoped was reassuring. “I’m serious. I have excellent hearing. Call out if you need something.”
“I think the true danger has passed. I’m sure I’ll be fine.”
Again Arion thought of kissing Vane, this time to reassure him. But he wanted the moment to be just right. That first kiss would tell him all he needed to know about whether or not he and Vane really had a future as lovers. Arion left the cabin and shut the door quietly. As he walked away and started up a little hill, he looked to the heavens. The twin suns were still too high for any stars to be visible, but looking to the stars for guidance was something Sigmund had taught him about. Arion realized he wanted answers about what the future held just as much as Vane did.
****
Vane took a deep breath when they reached the pond and let it out slowly as he enjoyed the warmth of the suns on his skin. It had been three days, and he felt like a new man. He even thought he might’ve regained some of the weight he’d lost. He glanced over at Arion, who’d grown quiet the last few minutes. They didn’t exactly bicker, but they did have several little arguments every day, most of them about one of them being too self-conscious or sensitive about something. Despite that, having Arion with him made everything better, even though nothing had happened between them beyond them both being affected when Vane bit him. He longed to hold Arion close afterwards each time, but he didn’t want to pressure the lycan. It was enough that he was here and open to the possibility of them staying together.
