by Kim Bowman
“We could pass off as your cousins, something. We have nowhere else to go.” Didn’t he understand ¯ we had no one else. No one.
“I don’t know. I’ll think about it. I don’t even know whether I have a farm left anymore.”
“What will you do then?”
“Rebuild. Start over if I can. That land is mine.”
“We could help you. We’ve done farm work our whole lives.”
“Olivia—”
I knew I was being selfish, unreasonable. “Just please consider it.”
He dimmed the light, not responding.
We were awakened early the next morning by a messenger lad who delivered a telegram into Grayson’s hands.
“What? What is it?” I crowded Grayson, trying to read the message, but he was too tall and the room too small for me to see over his shoulder¯or even around it.
“Matthew Lofton will be arriving on the train at twelve o’clock to meet your sister’s arrival and take care of all necessary arrangements. He wishes us to meet him.” His mouth pursed, drawing down and I wondered what he thought of the order.
“Is that a good idea?” I admit I didn’t know Matthew well, was a little bit intimidated by him.
“He’ll be able to see to you and Amelia’s return.”
“But what about our uncle? He may try to take Amelia from me!” I shouted the words and the child looked at me with widened eyes. I hadn’t meant to frighten her. “What about after? How will I support us? My uncle won’t let anyone hire me, I know he won’t!”
“Olivia. What do expect me to do? I can’t take you with me everywhere I go! Hell, and I don’t even know where I will ultimately go. Where do you and Amelia fit in? Tell me!” He wrapped his fingers around my forearms and shook me minutely. “Let’s just get through the day, meet Lofton. See what he has to say. No more about going with me, you hear?”
Of course I heard. Did he think I was deaf? If he felt that strongly about it, I would think of some other way for me and Amelia. We didn’t need him.
“Fine. I’ll think of something.” I mumbled the words, trying to dislodge his hands. “Please remove your hands.”
“Anything you say.” His tone mocked me, and he gave a sarcastic little bow as he complied. I wanted to kick him then. “Get dressed, fix your hair. We’ll go for breakfast then go meet his train.”
“Yes, sir!” I was really beginning to hate it when he gave me orders. He was not my husband ¯ who was he to dictate my actions? He shot me a look filled with exasperation; it was all I could do not to laugh in triumph.
The hours until twelve noon went by all too quickly. I was filled with a strange nervousness. What if it wasn’t just Matthew Lofton who arrived on that train?
All this ate at my insides and I ate little more than the toast of my breakfast. Amelia was still mostly silent, grieving over her friend. I had little words to comfort her, knowing only that time would lessen the worst of her hurt. Grayson, I simply ignored unless absolutely necessary.
What had happened to the woman who only four days ago had declared she didn’t need this man? Where was she hiding?
I would show him. I had decided to take Amelia¯and Rachel if she decided to go ¯ back to Maryland, back to our father’s farm. If it was completely gone we would start anew. Build a new house, just a small one. I knew we hadn’t any money, but I figured we could work something out. I didn’t need Grayson, and I was going to show him that.
“Eat.” He scooted my plate closer and nodded. “It might be awhile until lunch.”
“I’m not that hungry.” I tilted my nose slightly in the air.
“Too bad. Don’t waste it.” What was wrong with the man? He had become snappish ever since two nights ago when I kissed him.
“You eat it.” I pushed the plate of bacon and hash towards him. He shrugged and did as I said. The man sure loved food. It was surprising he wasn’t carrying spare flesh around his middle, the way he ate.
“Don’t mind if I do.”
Amelia hadn’t eaten much either, and the girl pushed her plate toward the man as well. “Here, Gray. I can’t eat it.”
“You sure?” His eyes were tender when he looked at her and for a moment jealousy congealed in my stomach. It soon passed, being replaced by the clammy feeling of guilt. Was I such a selfish person that I begrudged a twelve-year-old his attention?
We finished the rest of the meal in silence then stood to leave. Grayson placed a hand on my back, much as he’d done before. This time though, I stiffened my spine, wanting to let him know I didn’t want him touching me again. If he intended to leave us in Matthew’s company ¯ he was not free to touch my person again. He stood up straighter himself before firmly grasping my elbow, leading me from the restaurant.
“We’ll talk later.” His words were low and soft, all the more exhilarating for their softness.
“I don’t know what about. You’ve made your feelings abundantly clear.” I gave a little sniff. I lowered my voice. “And in case you've forgotten ¯ I am not, in fact, your wife.”
He jerked his head to stare at me, a strange light in his green eyes. I trembled, looked away.
As we stepped onto the sidewalk outside, I ensured that a good eighteen inches of space remained between me and the dratted man. Determination filled me ¯ I was, as of that morning, completely independent. While certainly grateful for all he had done for my sister and me, a woman had her pride and must learn to take charge of her own destiny, her own life. It was high time I did just that.
Chapter Eleven
The train was eighteen minutes late. Eighteen long, interminable minutes we stood waiting on the platform. I didn’t want Matthew to arrive; he was someone who knew me and could judge my behavior.
I didn’t know Matthew that well, least of all enough to tell how he’d view my actions. As the train pulled into the station I backed into the crowd, trying to hide myself as much as possible. It was an instinctive reaction ¯ I didn’t know how to judge my actions, so how was someone else to do so?
“This man is a Federal, no?” Grayson whispered in my ear, his hand tightened around my elbow and drew me close to his chest. “Don’t mention how we met, understand?”
I nodded just as Matthew stepped off the train, his slight limp only noticeable because I knew it was there. His countenance was even more forbidding than usual and I attributed it to his brother’s death. They had been close and he had my most heartfelt sympathies.
There was an awkward silence as we stood there on the platform. Matthew had always made me nervous, him being such an intense man. Now it was so much worse. I watched as he gave Amelia a small nod, which she returned. He then turned to Grayson and introduced himself, which Grayson returned. He held a hand out to Grayson, a dark swarthy hand, and Grayson shook it while I mentally cataloged the similarities between the two.
Both were dark, tanned from the years in the sun. Grayson’s hair was touched by the faintest of silvering but the rest was just as dark as the younger man’s. But they shared more than just superficial likenesses. Both held themselves erect but not proud, as if they were carrying a heavy load. Matthew was slightly shorter and leaner in build than Grayson, but their eyes were equally old.
We collected Matthew’s lone bag before returning to our hotel. The room, small before Matthew’s arrival, was even more cramped now. Amelia and I settled as sedately as possible on the thin mattress while Grayson leaned against the window sill. Matthew took the chair and sat facing Grayson; they were taking each other’s measure ¯ I just knew it.
“What time will Rachel get here tomorrow?” Amelia asked, her hand twisting the thin quilt into a wrinkled mass at her end of the bed.
“Around ten a.m.”
“What happened? I mean, if you don’t mind talking about it?” I stammered the questions, my curiosity getting the better of me. I mentally cursed my insensitive, impertinent tongue.
“Someone knocked over a lamp. The entire building went up. My aunt and uncle su
ccumbed to the smoke, as did two of their children. My brother managed to get their youngest, a boy, out. He went back for the other children and the roof came down upon him. There was nothing anyone could do.” He spoke the words as if by rote, detached, and I wondered if that was his personality or was the grief making it seem unreal. I was just thankful that my sister was alive, that she hadn’t died along with her husband.
He looked at me and my breath caught at the desolate sheen in his blue eyes. They must have been close, been comrades as children. His suffering struck me and I realized how selfish I had been, wanting Grayson to stay with me. What Grayson must be feeling, not knowing the fate of his younger sibling!
I left the remainder of the conversation unattended, so caught up in my own thoughts, my own guilt. It wasn’t until the man stood to leave to find his own lodgings that I realized I hadn’t paid any attention and had missed what was said. I didn’t let on though. I nodded my farewell, and expressed my condolences. But when he left I quickly sunk into the chair.
I didn’t have anything to say to Grayson or Amelia, and they seemed to sense it for both left me alone. Grayson set about polishing his boots, while Amelia read some more in her book. I sat thinking for several long moments until Grayson stood abruptly and came to tower over me. I stared up at him, brow furrowed.
“Amelia, you are not to leave this room under any circumstances¯understand?” He barely waited for my sister’s nod before pulling me from the chair. I protested but he paid little attention to my wants. He pulled me into the hall and pulled the door shut firmly behind us.
“Where are we going?” I tried to free my hand from his but he merely tightened his grip.
“For a walk. I can’t stomach it anymore.”
“What?” His movements were determined; he marched me down the hall, his now spotless boots echoing triumphant on the rough-hewn wooden floor. We were on the second landing, our room just off the right and he dragged me down the stairs. I tried to grab the rail, determined to at least get an explanation out of him.
He ignored my attempt and all I gained from it was a splinter as long as my smallest finger jammed into my palm. It was all I could do to keep from cursing aloud at the pain. A small yelp did escape and he threw me an impatient glance. He waited until we had reached the street before easing up some on my arm. I knew I would most likely have a bruise around my wrist where his hand still vised.
“Let me go!” I hissed the words, anger lending them poison. I tried to keep my voice down but a man in a brown coat must have heard me. He maneuvered his body directly into our path, forcing Grayson to stop.
“Sir. May I ask what you are doing to the young lady?” The man’s voice held the accent that was common to the northeast coast and I knew he was not native to this state.
“No, you may not ask. It’s none of your business.” Grayson’s words were much more drawn out and marked him clearly for where he was from. I hoped it wasn’t enough to betray him as an enemy soldier. “My wife and I will be on our way. If you’ll excuse us.”
He had barely stopped to speak to the man, dragging me as he was. I held my breath, waiting for my would-be rescuer to say something else to my pretend husband. But nothing came forth. A man had the right, after all, to do whatever he wanted with his wife. Even beat her. And Grayson had named me thus. But where was he taking me?
I decided to quit resisting; to follow Grayson and see what he was intending. It surprised me to find myself back along the banks of the White River, the place where we had held our carefree picnic just yesterday.
“What is wrong with you?” I finally managed to free my arm from the man, and I rubbed it. He didn’t even apologize for his roughness, and I wondered if he even cared.
“That room was too small.”
I knew that, I felt the same way. But that didn’t explain why he had dragged me so insistently down the street. He sank down on the damp grass and I knew his britches would be covered in the brown and red mud and green smears. He didn’t seem to care, just motioned for me to sit beside him.
I refused. I didn’t want my new dress stained so soon after buying it. Towering over him, I glared at the man, waiting for him to explain that cryptic remark and why he had dragged me out here. It was cool out and I shivered.
He rubbed his chin and I noticed he hadn’t shaved this morning. I shivered again, but not from the cold; I remembered how those whiskers felt against my lips.
“I’m going with you,” he said.
“You are? Why? I thought you had to find Fischer.”
“Lofton can’t be expected to take care of you and Amelia as well as your other sister. Not his place. They’ll provide for your sister if she wishes. Her being a widow and all.”
“But what about Fischer?” I thought he had made his decision. Was returning to Tennessee to find the boy.
“I’ll search for the boy after I get you and Amelia settled somewhere. Lofton seems to think your uncle won’t let you be. Now I don’t know if you all should come to Cookeville with me. Don’t know what’s left of the town, if it’s been hit or nothing. Don’t think it has, but who knows?” His shrug belied the heaviness around his mouth and eyes. I could see that he was worried, and I couldn’t blame him. I longed for my own father’s farm in Maryland. “We can take it as it goes, get you settled somewhere.”
“We’d really appreciate it.” Tame sentiments for what I was asking of him. But how did I tell him, what did I tell him? My resolve to show him how I could stand on my own merits was wavering. But what did he want, and why did I want to be with him? What were my feelings for this taciturn and oft-times bothersome man? “What will we do once we get down to Lofton’s? If my uncle sees you or the General he’ll order Jenkins to arrest you. They’ll hang you without a trial.”
“We’ll keep to Lofton’s place. The funeral will be private. Your uncle won’t be there. Figured you would want to be with your sister, at a time like this and all.” His voice was low and I struggled to hear him over the drafting winds and the quacking of the ducks.
“Yes. But I don’t want you found, either.” I knelt then, not wanting the few others enjoying the river bank to hear what I was saying. I rested my hand and forearm against his knee and leaned in to him to catch his words. “Who knows what they’d do if they found out about you.”
“Don’t worry about me. Lofton said your uncle couldn’t give a complete description. But if they see you, that could be a problem. Seems your uncle’s been spewin’ threats. Says if he finds you…” He pulled my arm from his knee and ran his long fingers along the light vein showing under the skin. This time his hand was gentle, reverent even. “I won’t let that happen.”
“I’m not afraid of him; I’ve dealt with him before.” It was true, my only fears now were that he would catch Grayson and order him killed or would demand Amelia be returned to his custody as he was her closest living male relative. I would not let either possibility happen. Would do anything to prevent it. “I just don’t want him to…to take Amelia.”
“I won’t let that happen, I’ll see to it you two are safe. Somewhere.” He looped his other arm around my waist and we sat there watching the ducks and their young. They were so happy, the ducklings waddling in a line behind their parents.
“Where do you think your brother is?”
“Don’t know.” He looked away for a moment, before turning back to me. “Last I heard he was at Alton prison, over Illinois way. Then a couple of men saw him down around Lexington. Was making my way there.”
“So how did you get across the river? How’d you get hurt?”
“Was caught around St. Louis by federal officers. They were transporting me north, jumped over the side of the boat.” His word held a lot of understatement, and I sensed that the story was much more than what he had given. But I let it pass, not demanding explanation.
“And your men, what of them?” He had said they had volunteered; it would be a shame if they were arrested after they had been dischar
ged.
“I was the diversion. It was my fault we were there. As far as I know they managed to escape.” It was one more thing that must have weighed heavily on his mind. He must feel responsible for the men, wherever the may be. I felt Grayson took his responsibilities seriously.
“I’m sure they did. Maybe they have found your brother by now.”
“Hmm. Maybe.” His arm was behind me and his body provided protection from the cool April winds. I was happy to sit right where I was. He remained quiet for a while, and I watched his hair as the winds flirted with it. “Are you sure you want to go with me? It won’t be an easy journey and I don’t know what I’ll find when I get there.”
“We have nowhere else. I am sure we will be fine.” Of course I wasn’t sure, I wasn’t sure of anything. But what choice did I have? I could not face my uncle, or the town in which he figured so prominently. “I would like that very much. We’ll try not to be too big of a burden.”
“And your other sister? What of her?”
“Rachel? I do not know. I don’t see her staying so near to my uncle. But won’t Gideon’s family have some say now?”
“Most likely. But I am sure the man would understand her feelings. Can he adequately protect her from your uncle? Is he a powerful man?”
“He certainly makes no quarter for my uncle, but he holds much less influence. I don’t know.” I confess I had spent little time considering Rachel’s future and now I felt ashamed at my callous selfishness. “I do not know what she’ll do. Whatever she does, we do, I want to thank you. For all you’ve done for us.”
Awkwardness twisted my tongue and my words came out stilted and broken. He didn’t seem to notice, only pulled me even closer to him. I looked about, ensuring no one had taken notice. It wasn’t long before he stood, assisting me to rise as he did so.
